Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of Brandon Q. White and him alone. They do not reflect the views of his employer, or any professional or legal organization with which he is affiliated.
What’s up fam, I hope all is well.
I want to talk about a very serious relationship topic what I am tentatively calling the doctrine of moral inferiority. This idea was inspired by conversations I have had with Black women but I believe the principles transcend gender and culture. I am going to explain the doctrine, how I think it works in practice, and conclude with a special note for my sisters.
What’s up fam
This piece is going to be a mix of various things that have been on my mind.
1. If you haven’t noticed yet, the flurry of news surrounding Haiti relief is done. This is where the real work begins because character is what we do when no one is looking. So here we go, no more moving facebook updates, editorial cartoons, or grand speeches by political leaders. Now that no one is looking is the perfect opportunity to give more of your self. So let’s chill with the “We will never forget” slogans because if you remember and don’t do anything, what’s the point?
2. So it appears that the Dems have decided to finally commit to using reconciliation to finish health care reform. Senate Majority Leader Reid put forth a goal of having this done in 60 days and I hope and pray Democrats get this done because it is simply unconscionable for a country flush with so much wealth to have so many people go without adequate healthcare.
3. I wanted to share a quote that has had me thinking, “The greatest hindrance to living is expectancy, which depends upon the morrow and wastes to-day.”
-Lucius Annaeus Seneca
“On the Shortness of Life”
translated by John W. Basore, Loeb Classical Library
London: William Heinemann, 1932
In response to this quote, what expectations do you have of yourself and others? How do you think these expectations have helped or hindered? What informs these expectations? Do you really carpe diem or are you one of those people who go through the week like a zombie expecting to truly live when get off work on Friday?
4. I haven’t heard anything about the guy that flew his plane into the IRS building. See now if the guy was Muslim, it would be front page every day for at least two weeks. What I don’t want is more finger pointing based on race, what I want is appropriate and proportional responses based on behavior, not race.
5. Black History month is almost over and before we move on, I just want to thank all the Black people whose efforts and names will never make it into a history book or a PBS Black History month program. I represent am 27 years of Black History but I also stand on the shoulders of giants and so many elders have pulled me aside to show guidance and encouragement. Black History did not end with Civil Rights but it will be if we don’t have a burning desire to make the world better for our kids and grand kids. How much more would those coming after us resent us for being so selfish for not fighting as if all is well.
Stay up fam,
Brandon Q.
p.s. I really wish I could write more fam. Law school and life make it difficult to write the more in depth pieces I used to do more often. My apologies.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. -I Corinthians 3:14
As DC thaws out of the winterness, Valentine’s Day is on the horizon. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I wanted to break down what I have often heard to be the definitive idea of love and that is I Corinthians 3:14.
Love is patient
In the world of and email, status updates, and keeping up with the Jones’ broadly speaking, patience is often viewed with a healthy dose of skepticism and a hint of foolishness. What does patience mean though? What good is patience if it is done in bad faith? Can you be patient once good intentions turn away from love and towards proving a point? There are three qualifiers I add to this idea of patience to make sure it is proper and these are positive, persistent, and conscious.
By positive, I mean the quality of the thoughts of the person you are waiting on. Do you think highly of them or do you have resentful thoughts about why you are waiting in the first place? The resentment will spoil all of the anticipated benefits of patience. This doesn’t mean that some days will be blue, it just means that while resentful thoughts will come, you never let them stay for extended periods of time.
By persistence, I am referring to situations where there is not an agreed upon time where the patience will no longer be needed. Situations like this are doubly difficult because you will find yourself wanting to do something to break the patience. It is times like this where you build character. Anything worth its salt is worth waiting for. I have found that focusing on being a better person is a great way to transform the emotional energy that patience can exact.
As to conscious, being patient is almost always about learning something about your self and the other person and probably vice versa. So when the patient stage is over, your lessons learned will be the yardstick by which the patience will be deemed successful. I have found writing to be extremely helpful in helping me understand the lessons I need to learn from patient periods. Being conscious is not just being aware of what you are doing but why are you doing it, making sure to appreciate the complexity and gravity of the situation that has you patient in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »
I entered the Washington Post’s America’s Next Great Pundit contest a couple of weeks ago. I did not make the list of top 10 finalists, so the country will have to keep reading here to my punditry for a least the next little while.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed writing this opinion piece on gentrification. Take a look.
One Love. One II.
Are newly opened Starbucks, pedestrians with designer sunglasses, and big box retailers symbols of revitalization or the death of a neighborhood? Culturally speaking, it’s a funeral.
Neighborhoods become cool because of their history. History trumps gang wars, drug havens, and panhandlers when it comes to earning the “up and coming” title. Think Harlem. Its history as the Mecca of early 20th century black creativity made it a cool place to live despite the effects of its crack epidemic.
The model for capitalizing on the cool is simple: 1) buy a house, 2) renovate it, and 3) quadruple the price. This ensures that new, more attractive people will move in and manifest the coolness. The problem is that when black and Latino people are displaced, so are their memories, values, and relationships.
Revitalization brings us shiny new stores and unfamiliar neighbors. Unfortunately, new stores don’t mean new friends for our sons to play football with or our daughters to jump rope with. They also don’t mean new friends for our veterans to play dominoes with at the VFW.
What’s left are neighborhoods without souls. Gentrification has a way of inducing schizophrenia upon a place. A block that was once filled with locally-owned, locally-supported, complimentary businesses is now stuffed with unrelated chains fighting for attention. Cohesive cultural scenes become disjointed commercial conglomerates. Aimless neighborhood development does give at least one gift: bad traffic.
Neighborhoods can be made safer and redeveloped without economic displacement. This happens when capital investments are targeted toward strengthening communities rather than supplanting them.
We need less overpriced lattes and more family-owned restaurants. We need fewer high-rise, low-quality condominiums and more streets where everyone knows everyone else’s names. We must build on the genuine relationships that made our neighborhoods what they are, not break them apart and auction them to the highest bidder. Now is the time to double down on building America up in ways that celebrate the rich histories of every corner, of every neighborhood, everywhere.
Just wanted to take time out to congratulate my partner in crime and best friend Garlin Gilchrist II as he prepares to get married in Charleston, SC this Saturday. I have known and witnessed G grow into a man who sets his priorities in order and executes with integrity and precision.
For those that don’t know, G and I founded the SuperSpade about three years ago and our blog has opened up so many doors of opportunity (both professionally and personally) as I am sure his lovely soon-to-be wife enjoyed learning about G through the words he was willing to put on record for the world to see. (Action: Winking at Ellen)
Most of the folks that read this blog have met G or I at some event or googled some very specific item that brought you here. And while I haven’t thought about this before, The SuperSpade and all the people we have blessed is the product of an enduring friendship. G, I am proud of you brother and I wish you nothing but happiness, growth, and a fulfilling marriage.
It’s the first of a two-part series on the topic. Here’s an excerpt:
The responsible man is always accountable in everything he engages in. The responsible man has a sense of accountability that actively denies hypocrisy wherever it tries to creep in. The responsible man is healthily consistent in his worldview, while be sensitive and introspective enough to realize that he may need to update his view from time to time.
Rising Oak does a lot of great work around the country empowering communities and organizations that focus on strengthening the quality of the lives of Black boys.
Most interestingly, comparing these results with U.S. demographic statistics shows that the percentage of African Americans in each U.S. state is a predominant factor determining increase in call activity and therefore participation in the event, which instead was not necessarily influenced by the state’s proximity to Washington, D.C. or its political leaning.
In the midst of this economic downturn, it only makes sense that people take refuge in education. This is especially the thinking of minorities and disadvantaged people, and rightfully so. “Education,” they say, “is a great equalizer.”
Make no mistake: you have more security being educated than you do being under-educated. That being said, we may need a little more nuance in our thinking about the whole “get educated to get employed” approach that most of us take to education. As my mentor & friend Calvin Mackie often says, “if it only makes dollars, then it doesn’t make sense.”
In this time where cornerstone companies like GM are entering bankruptcy and promising to come out “leaner” (read: they’re going to fire/lay off/buy out a lot of people), we have to protect ourselves. The harsh truth is that even good people are being let go.
What can we do?
Here are some things we can all do to survive & thrive in this economy:
Add as much value as you can. At your job, do what you can to over-achieve. This goes without saying typically, but it’s especially important now. This is good because a record of over-achievement will serve your career well.
Keep your resume up to date.
Even if you’re not looking for work, re-visit your resume every 6 months. Have you had interesting projects or achievements on the job? Have you attended trainings or acquired some type of certification? Promotion? Adding these things as they happen ensures that you’re never unprepared. Consider creating a profile on LinkedIn. (For an example, look at my profile).
Build transferable skills outside of your day job. Try to read, practice, volunteer and/or consult in areas of interest or expertise you have outside of your primary work. If there are things that you enjoy or are good at or want to learn that could have monetary value, grow these skills. After you’ve done some work on them, add them to your resume.
Network to net work.
The people you know can and will help you get the work you need and want. The old saying is “network or not work,” but I like this more positive, proactive version. We all know people that know people that are [at least] tangentially connected to whatever you want to pursue professionally. What we fail to realize is that they are often more than willing to talk with us, offer advice, and help us take our next step in our careers.
I’m sure many of you have tips we all can benefit from to help us find and keep jobs in this day and age. Please share them.
Abandonment destroys the future of everything it touches: people, families, cities, states, countries. There is perhaps no city in our country that is living an abandonment fantasy nightmare more than Detroit, MI.
In light of this, GLUE (Great Lakes Urban Exchange) did a project where they asked Detroiters of all ages, shapes and sizes what it would take to keep them in the city called I Will Stay If…
The project asked people to complete the sentence “I will stay [in Detroit] if…” What a simple, elegant, brilliant concept. Some of the answers were very interesting.
This has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of days of bad news about GM and negatively framed analysis on the future of Detroit, of Michigan, and of the entire Midwest. For example, my fiancée & I heard an NPR BBC broadcast Monday night that had someone from Detroit’s Capuchin Soup Kitchen (incidentally, a place I worked in 2001) talking about how Detroit resembled a 3rd world country. His arguments were too ridiculous to repeat. Suffice it to say that this guy was not a good advocate neither for the disadvantaged nor the city.
As someone who, frankly, is a prototypical example of Southeastern Michigan brain drain, this troubles me. Not only does my home need people like me to stay & not leave in the first place, or come back home] we also need present ourselves in a positive way and share our vision for a future brighter than the present.
Finishing the “I Will Stay If…” sentence is a great way of beginning that.
Great article from CNN I read about last week regarding how I think church should be. Read the article below, with my commentary to follow.
(CNN) — The pastor of a non-denominational church in Argyle, Texas, passed around the collection plate to his congregants earlier this year — and asked them to take money from it.
Donations at the Cross Timbers Community Church had slumped because of the economic downturn. Pastor Toby Slough thought that his congregants had to be hurting, too. His gesture, instead, was met with an unexpected response: The church had its highest offering ever.
It was a eureka moment for Slough: Give away money to those who need it, knowing his church members will help fill the need. “In these economic times, we can’t be so into church business that we forget what our business is, and that is to help people,” Slough told CNN television affiliate KDAF in Dallas-Forth Worth, Texas.
In the past two months, the 9-year-old church has done just that: handed out a half-million dollars to members and non-members who are struggling.
“We’ve taken $200,000 and spread it out to organizations — four local, two missions that are feeding and clothing people in these tough times,” Slough said. “We’ve paid utility bills for members of our church that are unemployed or under-employed.”
His favorite giveaway came three weeks ago. The church gave 1,400 families $50 each and told them to hand it out to someone else. One of the recipients was Katie Lewis. “I’ve been alone so long. Just to be thought of and to be remembered, to be welcomed — it’s amazing,” she said, crying. Church members are pleasantly surprised. “You don’t hear about a church giving money away,” Amy Sullivan said. Slough said he is not concerned if people try to take advantage of the church’s generosity.
The church has now formed a group to look into the best ways to give out money. And, Slough said, it plans on doing so as long as there is a need in the community
What makes this story incredibly hype is that far too many churches berate their members to give to the building fund, church anniversary fund, or join the VIP or the $1,000 line. People are hurting and if I recall correctly, the purpose of giving to church is to maintain or expand the church ministry along with having enough resources in the store house for God’s children. This storehouse concept is all but lost in many of the churches I know and the fact that it made CNN, speaks to how relatively rare this kind of generosity is. I wish more churches went this route because if we are not helping people in their time of need, we as the church risk losing relevance.
What really makes me mad is what I call the “At least culture” (ALC) that in my opinion is seriously undermining the social fabric of this country. To be sure, I define ALC as the misplaced comfort people place in being in a better situation than those less fortunate. The most obvious place where this idea manifests is our bank accounts where quite simply, too many people, regardless of their income find too much solace in being able to say,
Well at least I have a house,
Well at least I have a car,
Well at least I can provide for my kids,
Well at least I have college/graduate degree.
The list could go on but the point is that while few people actually talk like this in the open, I think many more think like this as a way to manage expectations of themselves. I hope the current economic crisis has allowed some people to appreciate that objects and money can come as easily as they can go. Moreover, our idea of status and having a good name is also just as delicate. Proverbs 22:1 states, “A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, Favor is better than silver and gold.” What I love about this passage is that when you put it in perspective, it makes the obsession with “at least” in its proper place. How do you feel about your name? Do you walk in favor?
About forty years ago, Psychologist Walter Mischel from Stanford conducted this experiment with four-year olds testing their ability to demonstrate self-control. The experiment called for the child to be alone in the room with a marshmallow on a plate with the promise of an additional marshmallow if they can wait for 15 minutes. On the other hand, the child would forfeit the additional marshmallow if they rang a bell. (This post is inspired by a great article in The New Yorker by Jonah Lehrer.)
Most of the kids participating could wait about three minutes, while some waited the entire fifteen minutes and some as soon as the researcher left the room. So here is the kicker, Mischel decides to follow up with the children that participated in the experiment some forty years later to see how they are doing and
“Once Mischel began analyzing the results, he noticed that low delayers, the children who rang the bell quickly, seemed more likely to have behavioral problems, both in school and at home. They got lower S.A.T. scores. They struggled in stressful situations, often had trouble paying attention, and found it difficult to maintain friendships. The child who could wait fifteen minutes had an S.A.T. score that was, on average, two hundred and ten points higher than that of the kid who could wait only thirty seconds.”Read the rest of this entry »
I generally disdain the Cult of the Celebrity. It frustrates me when the unqualified, unverified, and unquestioned present weak arguments and empty claims that are accepted as facts given from experts. While I also reject the Cult of Expertise, I’d take that one over celebrity.
He addressed the graduating class of UPenn on Monday, the school he graduated from 10 years ago. At first, I saw this as a classic case of the Cult of the Celebrity:
Why exactly is this guy giving this address.
Is he really that interesting/compelling/appropriate?
I bet I’d give a better speech than him
While I will definitely not concede the third point, I was pleasantly surprised with the address he delivered. So much so in fact, that I’d like to share it with all of you.
My key takeaway from the speech was:
Now, I don’t assume that the truth is commonly found. Like its bedfellows of democracy and justice, I believe it is quite rare to find. It is born through process. It is gained through questioning. It is found in listening. It’s about accepting that complex problems require complicated solutions.
Enjoy this, and share it.
One Love. One II.
P.S. Now, back to my hating on the Cult of the Celebrity.
Take This Hammer is a 1963 documentary film that shows author/activist James Baldwin’s fact-finding mission to San Francisco that same year. His purpose was to answer the question: is the Negro in San Francisco, CA any better off than the Negro in Birmingham, AL? He concluded that:
There is no moral distance between the facts of life in San Francisco and the facts of life in Birmingham.
Baldwin presents an extraordinary social critique of America North & South, white liberalism, and the angst of Black teenagers. What’s exceptional are some of the specific barometers he uses to judge young Black people’s view on their future.
Will there ever be a Black President?
There is one exchange where he asks a group of young men if there will ever be a Negro President in this country. They flatly tell him “No, never.” Baldwin retorts with solidly nuanced optimism: “Yes, there will be a Negro President, but this country will be different from the one that exists now.”
Obviously, we have a Black President now. That begs the question: was Baldwin right? Is this a different country than it was in 1963? Yes in many ways, and no in many others.
The failure of Christianity
Near the end of the film, Baldwin opines on the almost comical hypocrisy of American [white] Christianity. Baldwin asserts that:
…these churches are absolutely meaningless and almost blasphemous…more social club than spiritual institution…the Christian church in this country has never, as far as i know, been Christian.
Baldwin is himself a Christian, but he sees and hears the spiritual frustrations of Black youth. One young man told him that the best way for Black people to organize [for revolution] was by “coming together as Muslims.” What does that mean? That spirituality & religion as forces of identification, pride, and community were as important then as they are today. It also speaks to the fluidity of religion, to people’s desire to find a spiritual persuasion that speaks to their needs. Baldwin’s critique on American Christianity shows that many young, militant Black folks rejected a faith they saw as hypocritical and weak. Today’s Christianity is still fighting this battle.
On “liberalism”
Baldwin shares an intellectual pedigree with Steve Biko with his disdain of “liberals” (in this context, they both mean White liberals). In the film, Baldwin has a lot to say about this:
Everywhere I’ve been in this country, white people think race relations are excellent.
Liberals are looking for an alleviation, a protection of their own consciousness.
Liberals can’t be fake and be heroic too.
White people think of themselves as missionaries…but we don’t want you to do it for the Negro, we want you to do it for you.
His critique is not of liberalism, but of dishonest, half-hearted activism. Activism and organizing are based upon trust, and Baldwin did not trust white liberal activists in many cases.
This tension still exists in some circles today. Most interestingly, it creates a chasm between those arguing over whether the shortest path to equality and freedom in this country is through racial reconciliation or class-based economic struggle. Baldwin, Biko, myself, and others saw this as a false choice, but it creates a very real debate for many activists and thinkers.
Where do we go from here?
Baldwin in the film is neither overly optimistic nor terribly pessimistic. He does offer some thoughts that give insight into his thoughts on the future:
Buildings without foundations will inevitably come down.
I can be fooled, but my kids won’t be…either we will correct what’s wrong, it will be corrected for us.
This is something that’s been hitting close to home with me in recent years. The aspirations and assumptions of one generation are often realized, debunked, and adjusted by the next. Baldwin speaks specifically about ideas such as the “fakeness” of the American dream (i.e. having a garage) and what is actually meant when politicians & developers say “redevelopment” (to Baldwin, that means “remove the Negro”).
As my generation of activists, thinkers, leaders, and citizens chart our course through this dynamic social landscape, we can learn a lot from those that came before us. However, learn means neither repeat nor ignore. Instead, it means absorbing the knowledge and experiences, examining the current context for similarities and differences, applying what we’ve absorbed where appropriate, and innovating where necessary.
Last week I signed a letterto the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) and the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) calling each out for stopping the acceptance of PAC & lobbyist money for one day — the day President Obama comes to fund-raise for them.
Why this is a problem
Private money perverts politics. It destroys electoral integrity by weighting the outcome in favor of moneyed interests. The DSCC & DCCC are perfectly fine with this. President Obama is not. I’m not either.
Campaigns & elections should be publicly financed. Our taxes pay the salaries of elected officials already, so why don’t we pay for their selection too? That way, things won’t get too out of control (we won’t waste money), and we’ll be more likely to hold people accountable (because we literally paid for them to be there).
Join me, several other prominentBlack & progressivebloggers, and 2,400+ other people in signing this letter and stopping this madness.
This post is part of: A day of blogging for justice: Standing up against the police pre-trial electrocution of black children, women and men by taser.
Tasers are instruments of torture.
Torture talk has been all over the news recently. The unfortunate [yet understandable] focus of the conversation is on torture in a military & international context.
This causes us to overlook the torture and murder of citizens here at home, victims of racial profiling, police brutality, and excessive use of lethal force by law enforcement.
This issue is not new, but the instruments of this type of torture are ever-evolving. While military torture involves tools like the waterboard, our domestic version uses the taser.
Torture mentality has perverted our entire system
What happens at the top always impacts the bottom. Lawless leadership leads to lawless practices on the ground. When the Bush Administration OK’d torture, low-level interrogators became torturers. On the local level, when police chiefs embrace tasers as “non-lethal” alternatives to guns, people get killed unnecessarily.
Leadership complicit in torture and murder must be held accountable at all levels.Further, we need to preemptively demand that our leaders craft policies that prevent death, not enable it.
Our wars here at home on petty criminals and the disenfranchised should not be ones that result in capital murder.
What you can do
Contact your local police chief and ask whether officers are carrying tasers. Look up their contact information by searching for their zip code on USACOPS. If they’re using tasers not, thank him or her. If they are carrying, do the following:
Ask: Is the entire force armed with tasers?
If not, which units have them?
Ask: Do officers carry both tasers and guns?
Ask what the motivation is for this policy.
Ask: What’s the usage protocol for tasers? This will answer the question “when should tasers be used in place of guns?”
Suggest: Stop carrying tasers
Direct them to our site documenting taser abuses in the US. Let them know that you’ll feel safer if police enagaged in non-lethal ways whenever possible. You know that the officers are well-trained and highly professional, and you just want them to do the best they can without taking lives.
Simply asking these questions will cause leadership to reflect on their policy. Reflection is the first step to change.
“Eighty-five percent of consumers have this intention to save energy, but only three percent do. What the hell is this massive gap between intention and action all about?” (Thomas Scaramellino, founder of Efficiency 2.0)
Today is Earth Day. This year needs to be Earth Year. This decade needs to be Earth Decade. This life needs to be Earth Life.
Why isn’t it?
Maybe it’s because the way we encourage people to get “green” is broken. Counter-productive. Wrong. The next time you see the promo during 24 that points you at a Fox website about how to get “green”, think twice.
Our approach to increasing environmental awareness is so devoid of nuance that what it gains in accesibility it sacrifices in effectiveness. Hearing “green” tips without context is like taking showers without water: nothing gets cleaner.
Yes, we all need to use real towels instead of paper ones. Yes, we all need to turn off the bathroom light when not in the bathroom. But we need more. We need better. We need smarter.
Take time next month to figure out what your environmental impact actually is. There are lots of ways to do this:
Everyone can see what their personal environmental impact is by answering the question: What’s my Carbon Footprint?
Consumers can use GoodGuide to find out the environmental impact of the things you buy.
Businesses can use Earthster to find out the environmental impact of their supply chains.
By taking stock of your environmental impact, you can then focus your efforts to reduce it in the most productive way. Better information opens the window to understanding. Understanding opens the door to action. Action opens the floodgates of change and progress.
In the car today, I had my attention split between driving, talking on the phone and listening to the BBC World Edition on NPR. On the show, they were discussing that how Britains (I could be wrong) have a more difficult time accepting immigrants into their culture because at least as far as recent history is concerned, Britain is a self-contained country by which those who live their have a distinct view of what being Britain truly entails. This state of affairs was contrasted with America where everyone, minus Native Americans are immigrants, can legitimately claim and believe to be truly American.
The part that jarred me is when an interviewer asks a Britain why its more difficult for Britains to accept immigrants (I should note that there appeard to be a tacit understanding that they were really talking about people of color) and a woman responded dryly, “It’s not about race, it’s about space.” For years now, I have considered how conflicts over land and resources become painted in race/culture specifiic terms in order for the powers that be to misdirect their true intentions. But I think the woman’s response more accurately depicts my thoughts and here is why.
Taken literally and figuratively, what keeps racism thriving is a perpetual denial of accepting “others” into your space. Literally, this “space” can be interpreted by where you live, where your kids go to school, where you hang out, etc. No less important is the figurative sense which can be interpreted via who you do/don’t allow to have access to your emotional space. There are a range of things people do with this void. Some fill this void with stereotypes that can serve as barriers to the type of humanity that God envisioned; Love your brother as yourself. Others are aware of their void and take steps to fill it with love and understanding. In the end, I suppose the takeaway from this post is that you should be mindful of how you filter who gets in your space and the morals and values that under gird these filters. It is impossible to allow poor morals to inform who gets into your space and not think these same values are expressed when you try to enter into another person’s space.
Asia McGowan, a beautiful, talented, and warm-hearted twenty year-old woman was murdered by a deranged lunatic that murdered her at Henry Ford Community College in Dearborn, a suburb of Detroit. Anthony Powell, 28 shot Asia, 20 at point blank range and after doing so, committed suicide….like a punk. But Brandon, you don’t understand what he was going through. He killed an innocent woman!!! Apparently, Powell posted some crazy youtube videos where he scorned Black women, discussed suicide, and decried atheists. No one quite knows for sure yet, but according to some youtube comments, (and I wouldn’t be surprised) Powell had a crush on Asia and left scathing comments on her videos.
In her last video, Asia addressed people leaving hateful comments on her videos, which were all innocent, funny, and not worth any hate, whatsoever.
So to everybody, and especially my nieces and nephews, be careful with whom you friend and converse with online. No one needs to know where you are at every second of the day. No one needs to see you do the latest dance, however innocent it may be. I know free speech is important but it is too easy with advances in technology to track and possibly do harm to someone. Just think about twitter, “I am at the coffee shop,” or “I am in history 101.” Please be careful and be wary of people who spew hate at you. Asia, was terribly young and had a bright future ahead of her so I ask you Lord, please provide solace and peace for Asia’s family and friends in their time of loss. Don’t let the day end without a warm heart and clear conscience.
Today, I was at my mother’s preparing my plate for Easter dinner. I ask my mom if she made the green beans with ham because I stopped eating pork… years ago. My sisters, whom I love dearly, jokingly tell me that the green beans are safe because mom made them with turkey, not ham. Another family meal, another dish I can’t eat…the innocent jokes continue. But as you well know, health care is no laughing matter.
My experience was probably similar to many of my peers across the country today and that’s unfortunate because this concern (for some, an obsession) with leading a healthy lifestyle belies the new reality in American healthcare; being healthy is the new healthcare. Think about it, insurance companies only want to insure people who are healthy and God forbid, you have any preconditions. The costs of healthcare is simply out of control. More and more, we hear about people who are drowned in medical costs, even when they have health insurance.
So if you have a son or daughter coming of age (early twenties – early thirties) and you give them grief about eating healthy, cut them some slack… for real. The reality is that provided you are healthy, managing your health insurance can be nerve racking, especially when many young professionals are forced to do consulting, stay mobile, and manage the immense debt stemming from undergraduate and graduate school.
Now when you take that stress and add a baby into the mix and the stress levels go through the roof because even if you have a job, you know that a mild emergency can lead to financial ruin. And businesses know that people will be compelled to stay in a job for the sake of medical benefits for their kids. And when you find out your deductible and co pays are going up, complaining is impossible when so many millions of Americans are not covered at all.
We need universal health care like crazy…period. We are living in a world where if you really want health insurance, you need to insure your health. So while it may cost more to eat healthier or join a gym, you really can’t afford not to.
If the answer is “none,” go talk to a Black person older than 60. Maybe you “didn’t have time” last month, or you “already know everything,” but chances are that neither was/is the case. Learning history, though, is like starting to exercise: better late than never. Get moving.
If the answer is “a little,” I’m happy for you, but I challenge you to take time during the rest of the year to continually educate yourself on Black History and Black people’s contributions to this nation and our planet.
If the answer is “a lot,” then you did your people proud. There’s no sense in having a month to focus on something if you don’t focus on it. I challenge you to now teach some of that history to someone else.
It’s 1245 on Saturday afternoon. My fiancee and I are driving on I-405 in suburban Seattle, on our way home after my physical therapy, conversing like usual. Then…
The Inauguration of Barack Obama was an historic, life-changing, captivating experience for nearly everyone who refers to themselves as a citizen of this country or an inhabitant of this planet. Unfortunately, a seat in history’s theater was denied to myself and hundreds of others that wanted to watch the ushering in of an epoch of a renewed American spirit. Amidst the tears of joy, achievement, and progress, existed tears of pain and missed opportunity. Alongside the jubilation, frustration. With triumph, tribulation.
I write here to tell my story of the Inauguration. It may differ from most others that have been written, but all accounts are important. I especially want to thank the angels that were in the crowd to help Ellen and I on Inauguration Day. Warning: this post is very long.
Barack Obama warned us that some would try to make this big election be about small things. My warning is that we don’t let this big opportunity only lead to small change.
Big Opportunity
More than 137 million voters cast ballots this election, up 14% from 2004. 63.7 million (56%) of those people voted for Barack Obama, giving him more votes than any candidate in the history of US Presidential Election history. That is what you call a mandate.
Being the candidate with more supporters than any other President has ever had, Obama has been given a chance to serve more people than anyone could imagine. He can impact the finances of millions of people. He can improve the health of hundreds of millions of people. He can increase the moral standing of a nation in the eyes of billions of people. What a great opportunity to carry out public service and set the tone for the spirit of shared service & shared sacrifice that he so eloquently espouses.
Big Change
To whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48)
The level of support and passion surrounding Barack Obama says more about the people supporting him than about Obama himself. It says that Obama is an inspirational figure, but that was evident before he started running for President. More importantly, it says that people are hungry. Hungry for change. Hungry for a new approach. Hungry for something to do. This is why Obama always talks about this election not being about him, but instead being about us.
With everybody so hungry, the onus is on the Obama team to give us something to eat. I don’t want a snack. I want a full, seven course meal. Legions of people do not organize for incremental change. Armies form to march forth into bold victory.
Now is our chance to make real, fundamental change in very progressive ways. This change will not happen because Barack Obama is a progressive. It can & will happen if we push our government, our newly-elected President, and, most importantly, ourselves to work towards the new kind of politics that Barack Obama helped us to believe was possible.
Let’s be bold. Let’s ask for a lot out of this administration. Let’s make Barack Obama a successful President by ensuring that he keeps his promise to start making big changes to the way America works. We helped him make history on November 4th. Let’s keep making history for the next 4 years.
One Love. One II.
P.S. Homework assignment: Everyone under 30 should talk to someone over 60 about what this election means to them.
YES! Magazine released today their 12 Ways You Can Safeguard the Vote tool. It contains links to lots of great resources, and tips for what you can do before, on, and after Election Day to make sure that your vote is properly counted.
Check Your Registration. Make sure there are no errors, mistakes, or discrepancies which would prevent you from being able to vote.
Vote Now. Vote early, in person or by mail, if you can in your state. Check if you can using Know How To Vote.
Learn how to vote. Read your voter pamphlet to understand how your paper ballot works, and if voting using an electronic machine, get a clear demonstration first.
Identify State & Local election officials. Get their names and numbers because these are the people to call if there are problems.
Vote as early as possible on Election Day to avoid long lines & hassle.
If you have ID, bring it with you. If you have a cell phone, bring that too.
Avoid straight-party voting. Vote for each race individually, to make sure your votes each count exactly as you want them to.
Observe, Document, Report. If you or anyone else that you see has issues voting, take good notes & inform the authorities using resources such as 866-OUR-VOTE.
They save the most important pieces of advice for last. These are the steps we can take to make all future elections exercises in democracy, not insanity.
Call your candidate. Encourage them to challenge results you don’t trust. Sign up to help.
Call your election officials. Hold them accountable to their responsibility to ensure clean elections
On Monday, I was interviewed as part of a small series on Politics and Technology by Jeffrey Powers of Geekazine. We talked at length about early voting, why it’s such a big issue this election, what are the types of good & bad things that we can do with early voting data, and ways that people can find out early voting information with tools like Know How To Vote.
I’m looking forward to talking with Jeff again about Politics and Technology soon.
According to Jealous, the NAACP National Office sent 3 of its staff people to do two things:
Ensure fairness in the distribution of aid
Ensure the sins of Katrina are not repeated
They’ve got their work cut out for them, and Jealous actually told us something else disturbing about the lead-up to the storm:
Some poor communities complained to the NAACP that they were not adequately warned of the storm, its seriousness, or the voluntary/mandatory evacuations. This is because the warnings happened almost exclusively on TV, and these people had no TV.
People with questions in the state and out of state can call the NAACP Command Center, which is at their Texas State Conference, at (512) 322-9547.It is a travesty that the NAACP’s Command Center is set up before FEMA’s.
Making sure peoplve vote
While Jealous is working to make sure that folks in the wake of Ike get proper aid and electrical power, he and the NAACP are working hard to make sure that those folks’ electoral power is also fully restored and available. The rights of voters in Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina was a major issue, and I actually marched in support of the re-enfranchisement of those voters.
In what Jealous called “a sign of things to come,” he announced Upload 2 Uplift, a website that gives people the ability to do 2 things:
Register themselves to vote online, or print out registration forms that they can mail in
Register their friends and contacts to vote
#2 is very important, and it’s this “social voter registration” capability that really sets this tool apart from other online voter registration tools. Many people know they have friends that are not registered to vote. If you know that person’s email address, you can give them a very simple way to register quickly online. Additionally, the system will send people reminders by email and/or text message to let them know when to vote and where to vote, if they want it too. Pretty cool.
A great start
This was a good meeting for Jealous, and he demonstrated a new way of thinking about the NAACP and about advocacy & civic engagement. By including Black bloggers in his first press conference, Ben Jealous showed that blogging and other forms of new and online media will be an important part of the NAACP’s strategy going forward. By creating its first real online tool, the NAACP shows that technology and the Internet will be important parts of their strategy going forward. I am looking forward to see what they do with this momentum.
I’m just as excited as the next activist to see so many people engaging in the electoral process this year. People are phone-banking, canvasing, knocking on doors, calling their congress members, etc. All of this volunteerism is beautiful, an expression what passionate political participation by an informed and interested citizenry should look like in a democracy.
What’s not to like?
Well, there is actually one big thing not to like: Very, very little of this is sustainable. That’s right. 95% of this enthusiasm and participation will likely die the day after election day, with the other 5% dying the day after inauguration day.
Republicans don’t like Community Organizers. Rudy Giuliani and Sarah Palin ridiculed them specifically in their speeches last Wednesday at the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, MN. This modern crop of Republicans has demonstrated how much they hate grassroots organizing in many ways with their hatred or unionization, their damnation of dissenters inside and outside of the government, and their willingness to ignore the rights, thoughts, and actions of the people of foreign nations that they decide to invadedestroyoccupy “help”.
While these positions on their own are outrageous and not in line with the ideals of the America that Republicans claim to love so much, it is consistent with another thread of modern-day Republican rhetoric and practice: racism.
For every generation leading up to [and including] the current one, the only foray for Black people to better their lives collectively has been through community organizing. When I say community organizing, I don’t just mean the highly visible ones like Malcolm & Martin, I mean the invisible ones that most of us will never hear or speak of that sacrifice their time, treasure, and talents so that people’s day-to-day lives are better and that their voices are heard. This is the path that nearly all Black politicians have taken to attain the capital needed to even run for office, let alone win. For one to minimize the work of organizers is to minimize the thoughts, actions, and efforts of all minorities and underrepresented groups who wish to uplift themselves individually and as a whole.
I am responding to James’ article this week where he lauds Obama’s recent policy reversal on supporting off-shore drilling, essentially claiming that when it comes to comprehensive energy policy reform, there is no magic bullet and we need to embrace all solutions and not the solution. And Obama gave red meat to conservatives by explaining that he would support offshore drilling as part of an overall package in part because “we shouldn’t allow the Perfect to be the enemy of the Good.” Read the rest of this entry »
As you may remember, I have been writing for a couple of months now at a site called Social Media for Social Change. The creator of that site, Michelle Riggen-Ransom, is moderating a panel at the upcoming 2009 SXSW Interactive conference called Social Media for Social Change, and, if accepted, I will be a panelist.
Here is a description of the panel:
Exploring ways non-profits and businesses are using social media to drive social change. From forums sharing life-changing information to online communities loaning money to entrepreneurs in Africa: social media tools and applications are powerful and growing. Find out what folks just like you are doing to change the world.
I’ll be talking about the online activism work that myself and others have been doing, specifically how The SuperSpade and other members of blacknetaction are impacting the offline world through our online efforts.
Here’s the comment I left on the panel description page:
This is an important topic, as technology is moving beyond the realm of mere entertainment and utility. Realizing that we can use the social media tools we love and create to not only make money but to make life better in a truly holistic sense is the key to the growth and sustainability of our industry.
What I Need You to Do: VOTE!!!
In order to make the panel happen and have the dialogue occur on a large, public platform, we need you to go vote for it. Here’s how to do that:
Where it says Your Vote, click 5 stars, which means that you find this panel “Amazing – This justifies a trip to SXSW.“
Please vote before voting closes on August 29th. Vote early and vote often! If you’re feeling extra generous, sign up and leave a comment with your thoughts on the topic. Then, take a look at some of the other extremely interesting panels.
Today, The SuperSpade is teaming up with Black bloggers across the country for “A Day of Blogging for Justice – Against – Extra – Judicial Electrocution – Tasers.” This project is being headed up by African American Political Pundit and Francis Holland, who have created Electrocuted While Black for “tracking and reporting on pre-trial, extra-judicial death penalty, because it’s 21st century lynching, by another name.”
More from the website, “We are blogging today against police and other security entities across America, Canada and around the world involved in Extra-Judicial Electrocution by Tasers. African American political Pundit has called it a campaign against “on the spot pre-trial electrocution” of members of the public (many who are of African descent).”
The sick thing about the use of tasers is that it is often portrayed as a less severe form of punishment because proponents say, “Well, at least I am not using a gun.” This belies the fact that you can die from being tasered such as how “17-year-old Darryl Wayne Turner died: He had cardiac arrest after a Charlotte-Mecklenburg police officer shot him with a Taser gun.
And I know that it is very strategic for blogs to insert pictures or use videos to help illustrate their points. However, the downside of this strategy is that things are not “real” unless someone can supply visual evidence. So when I think about tasers, I automatically revert to one of my favorite books, “The Invisible Man.” In the opening scene, our nameless protagonist gives a speech in front of the city’s leading White men accepting a scholarship and after the speech, he is pressured to fight with other Black boys in a ring blindfolded. After being pummeled, the White men put a couple coins and dollars on a rug and force the boys to fight over the money. Little to the boy’s knowledge, there is an electric current running through the rug and in excruciating detail, the protagonist describes the pain of being electrocuted.
Again, being tasered is a small but significant part of being Black in America. Our stories must be told by us because according to an African Proverb, “Until the Lions have Their Historians, Tales of the Hunted will Always Glorify the Hunter.”
I think CNN did a better job tonight. They showed the challenges both sides face. They showed the average black man and his struggle. Although I think they still did not focus on answers, and it was more of the same as yesterday, this was more powerful and effective. Here are my quick hit thoughts… Read the rest of this entry »
Artists are important to movements.Their creativity gives movements vibrancy. Their notoriety gives movements visibility. Their passion makes movements inspiring.
The myth of the post-racial society is becoming more and more pervasive. The problem is that it is itself based on a conservative, racist mode of thinking about race in America that equates progress with individuals. Using this as a measuring stick, makes it possible for the Fox News’ of the world to attack individuals and Black folks collectively.
If instead we saw that progress can only be meaningfully defined as collective improvement, we would focus on solving the root causes that lead to individuals making the choices that look stereotypical. Who knows, maybe CNN will go at it like that? I doubt it.
…besides hip-hop, Barack Obama and professional sports?
Welcome to a Primetime Pity Party
If you were like me, you watched “Black in America” on CNN tonight; which lead me to the question that is the title of this post. While I applaud CNN for shedding light on the numerous ails of the black community, I could tell it was not geared towards African Americans or else the discussion would have been much different. Read the rest of this entry »
What’s up fam, this week James Dickson ripped into The New York Times (NYT) for their not publishing an article on the conflict in Iraq penned by Senator John McCain. For context, McCain’s piece was a defense of his supporting the conflict in Iraq and it was a response to an article written by Senator Barack Obama that was published the week before.
James said,
Rather than the nation ignoring McCain’s piece, as it almost certainly would have, the NYT has made it the first must-read political tract of 2008. Rather than bypass the piece when it would’ve run in the NYT, I instead read the piece — which, admittedly, was the typical “BUT THE DEMOCRATS ARE WORSE!!!1″ Republican attack line — on CNN.com, a site that, if it has lower circulation than NYT, isn’t by much.
I actually disagree that McCain’s piece is now a must-read political tract. This type of analogy is is akin to people buying NWA’s music solely because it was banned. And not for nothing, Obama is a really good writer and it is painfully obvious that he wrote his article while it appears that McCain’s article was written by the Communications staff and quite frankly, it read like it went through the campaign filter about ten times before they sent it to the NYT.
James himself admitted that McCain’s piece was lackluster which begs the question, why does the NYT editors have to publish bad journalism? Regardless, James went on to point out that decisions like the one made by NYT serve to highlight the growing prominence of the blogosphere and the decline of mainstream media. I think this claim is a bit overblown because the vast majority of political blogs react to articles in the mainstream media via commentary/analysis. (like we are doing right now)
The larger issue is that McCain is losing in the marketplace of ideas and by that I mean that his ability to paint an inspiring vision of a better America is similar to the article he submitted to the NYT; lackluster. And while the notion of fair and balanced news analysis is seductive, it is fleeting, which is why you can get more in-depth analysis by reading Black on Black Thought.
The SuperSpade is partnering with Color of Change, Brave New Films, MoveOn.org, and now rapper Nas to outline just how racist Fox News is and how this racism has been used to stir up fear, uncertainty, and doubt about Barack Obama.
We encourage everyone to sign this petition that Color of Change created to show your support for shining light on the many, many, many examples of racism at Fox. Over 620,000 people have signed on already.
The petition itself will be delivered to Fox News HQ by Color of Change, Nas, and other supporters on Wednesday, 23 July 2008. Make sure you sign it to be a part of this action!
Also, listen to this Nas song from his latest album that talks specifically about Fox News.
The one and only Brandon Q. White is holding down The SuperSpade at the Netroots Nation conference in Austin, TX this weekend. The conference is an annual meeting of the minds of progressive activists who’s primary work is being done via the Internet.
Most importantly, Brandon will be leading a panel discussion today designed by the two of us called Black Blogging Beyond Obama. The goals of the panel are to discuss what the importance and position of Black online activism is and should be when we broaden our scope beyond election-focused efforts. Here’s a summary:
Black bloggers voice will be paid close attention given Obama’s candidacy and while the increased attention and addition of new voices are welcome; our collective voice is just as pertinent for issues unrelated to Obama’s campaign. As such, what steps should we be taking now to make sure that this message is not lost on each other and the larger blogosphere/media infrastructure?
I know B will knock it out of the park today and this weekend, raising the level of thought in Black political discourse to ever-increasing heights.
Guess what? Gas is expensive. Expensive gas impacts almost everything in Americans’ day-to-day lives by making almost everything we do or consume more costly. One of the large contributors to the high cost of fuel is speculation, which in simple terms means to buy something you have no purpose for other than to make money off of its unstable price.
Well, the argument against excessive speculation, especially on commodities like oil, has brought together groups of citizens, organizations, and companies that often times are at odds with one another. The Stop Oil Speculation Now effort has caused many to join in a call for smarter, more responsible government regulation and an end to one of the major drivers if high gas prices.
The tag line for The SuperSpade is Black Thought at the Highest Level. So it is in the spirit of elevating Black political discourse that we launch a unique new series called Black on Black Thought, a collaboration between us and James Dickson, a Black libertarian conservative blogger who is the author of The Young and the Conservative at The Washington Times.
With Black on Black Thought, twice weekly we’ll explore various topics with James presenting a conservative perspective at his site and us presenting a progressive perspective here. To date Black conservative and Black progressive have never been juxtaposed in this way. Showcasing the diversity existent in Black political thought is not only a timely experiment in ideological exploration, but it is a necessary conversation that lays the foundation for Black political pride and Black political power.
We look forward to your participation in this journey with us.
I wrote a letter to my Dad in honor of Father’s Day and I wanted the whole world to know how I feel about him.
Dad,
This Father’s Day, I wanted to share with you my thoughts on the evolution of our relationship and your impact on my life. A long, long time ago you, mom told you that she was pregnant and the baby was yours. I am sure like most men, your emotions ranged from fear to confusion to joy. In the end though, you manned up and never looked back. And when people ask me about my parents and why they are not married or your role in my life, I am always quick to let people know that there has never been a time when you were not in my life.
Always generous, gracious, and funny, I have adopted many of your mannerisms and I want you to see your bestqualities amplified within me. Your being proud of me is a driving force in how I carry myself and strive to be a better person. I remember the picture of us that we took at that scholarship dinner in Southfield and I know you are not big on taking pictures, but this one is my favorite.
My earliest memory of you is the joy I felt at the sound of you jingling your keys as you walked toward the door on Biltmore. Between the familiar scent of Old Spice and a big hug, I was on cloud nine. Growing up, I don’t think I ever made a big deal about why you never married mom. Looking back though, our relationship would probably not be as unique if you and Mom got married because over the years, I have developed an ability to keep our relationship sacred regardless of what was happening between you and mom or whatever other drama was happening in my life.
And when I did cut up, you were always there to not only discipline, but to let me know everything would be alright. One memory that stands out was the week I lost my virginity. I felt horrible because I thought I let you down and there would be nothing I could do to regain your respect or favor. That Saturday, you and I went to a Men’s Prayer breakfast at Cobo Hall and I don’t remember who was speaking but I remember experiencing the Spirit of Peace.
On the way home, driving down Jefferson, I told you what happened between sobs and tears, telling you that I was sorry and I didn’t want to let you down. When I looked up, I saw tears coming down your eyes and I never saw you cry before. When we got home, we talked…and we shared like we never had and before you left, you told me you loved me and proud that I told you what happened and you gave me a huge hug and $20. To this day, I don’t see what I did to deserve any money whatsoever but it was your way of letting me know that our relationship was strong and everything would be alright. I will never forget that experience Dad, thank you.
As I got older, we developed a passion for playing pool that would become our pastime where all is well with the world. Most days we play, there is next to no conversation but the silent bonding that takes place over pool is so great that I can’t really put it into words. I just hope my kids will want to play pool too!
Always there, you were instrumental in making sure I had opportunities that really shaped my life for the better. I was the only guy on the block with a skateboard and when I made drum sticks out of pant hangars, you bought me a drum set. You taught me to play tennis even helped me get lessons. The only reason I carry handkerchiefs is because of you. If I was hungry, there was no where you wouldn’t take me and Wendy’s was the frequent destination. When I told you about my trip to England, I expected you to say no but much to my surprise you said yes and to this day, I am still grateful for your sacrifice.
I am eternally grateful for your guidance, friendship, and your love. When I thought about Tim Russert’s passing away, I was painfully reminded of how precious life is. Dad, I love you and I cherish our relationship and I am so proud to call you Pops!
Happy Father’s Day
Love,
Brandon Q. White
P.S. Don’t tell Mom this, but even though I know I look more like her, I have always wanted someone to tell me, “You look just like your Dad.”
The price of gas is comfortably over $4 and is not expected to come down soon. We are at the point where you need to buy gas cap locks to keep people from siphoning off your gas. People are breaking even just to go to work and this is even more pressing for places like Metro-Detroit where you don’t have a reliable and efficient mass transit infrastructure. However, the MS M focus on the price of gas ignores a more sinister problem; hunger. The price of gas is probably more important than Obama getting the nomination as Fred Pearce from the Yale Environment reports,
“food prices have been soaring this year, causing more misery for the world’s poor than any credit crunch. The geopolitical shockwaves have spread round the world, with food riots in Haiti, strikes over rice shortages in Bangladesh, tortilla wars in Mexico, and protests over bread prices in Egypt.”Read the rest of this entry »
Today, I found myself watching “Tribal Odyssey” on the Discovery Channel for a couple of hours. What struck me is how the children had skills at an early age. They were trained on how to fight, the festivals and how to provide for each other. I started to wonder, “What skills are we passing to the next generation?” Read the rest of this entry »
I did something revolutionary today by deciding to not talk on the phone all day with that the caveat that I did talk to my sister whose birthday was March 28. I love you sis and know that I love you and I am your biggest cheerleader!
Nevertheless, the impetus behind my silence his was that the Michigan Policy Summit is happening May 10th and April is going to be an extremely busy month for me. So before I faded to black, I wanted to take a day to center myself. I should also mention that my cell phone is my work and business phone so I am literally on the phone from sun up to sun down between meetings.
I hadn’t realized how much I don’t listen to myself until today. I felt like I have been trying to get through to myself but I was so busy dealing with work that I didn’t click over to talk to me. I feel very much at peace with the world right now as I listen to Jamming by Bob Marley with the sweet smell of candles filling the room. Hopefully, I am the last person to catch on to this but if I am not, be intentional about taking time to listen to you. I will have to find a way to make this a regular part of my routine because the unchecked mental voicemails I had were overflowing.
A recent Gallup poll came out that showed 28% of Clinton supporters would support McCain over Obama while 19% of Obama supporters would support McCain over Clinton. I want Obama to win in November but even if he doesn’t, it will be really good to see the latent racism raise its ugly head because like Nas said,
Worst enemies want to be my best friends
Best friends want to be enemies, like that’s what’s in
But I don’t give a f*&$, walk inside the lion’s den
Symbolically, I think the lion’s den represents the electoral underbelly of America’s republic. A progressive vision of American society will require those of us that share these values to systematically vie for power and upset the corporatracy that is literally suffocating the dreams and hopes of the disenfranchised (politically and economically) all over the world.
2)2. Today, I was in the car listening to Rick Ross and my phone rang so I turned off the radio. The call was from a guy who works for Al Gore that told me Gore was unable to speak at the Michigan Policy Summit happening May 10th. We had a good conversation and after hanging up, what did I do? You guessed it; I started rocking out, rapping lyrics to songs that I barely know the lyrics to. I love being Black.
3)3. I really wish these Democratic superdelegates would stop complaining about Clinton’s tactics and her narrow path to victory and just endorse Obama so Democrats can begin to focus on defeating McCain.
4)4. Check this out, “The Pentagon on Wednesday said an eruption of violence in southern Iraq, where US-backed government forces were battling Shiite militias, was a “by-product of the success of the surge.” I don’t need any snarky follow up because the absurdity is astounding. I do wish however that we could somehow package the pain of the families of the more than 4,000 dead Americans and the scores more of Iraqi civilians in a way that every American could for one hour experience the individual and collective toll of war.
5)5. Take time to tell someone in your life that you care about them. Life is short and you never know when that last conversation is going to happen so cherish all the time with your loved ones.
I missed my SuperSpade family!!! I have been without laptop due to my hard drive crashing but nevertheless, I have been crazy busy planning the Michigan Policy Summit and if any of you are Michiganders, go to the site and come out May 10th to form a policy action agenda around clean energy, health care, and education along with 800 progressive activists.
More to come on that but I did want to let folks know I was going to be at the Take Back America conference this weekend in DC. If any of you are going to be there, holla at me!!!
Just know that I am pregnant with posts so stay tuned while I give birth these posts. How is everybody doing?
What’s up fam, I found this great article in Salon.com that discussed how we can all save energy by running appliances that run all night. Though this was not mentioned in the article, I did think about my slight obsession with making sure all of my gadgets are fully charged because I am on the road so much. I posted the article in its entirety, enjoy.
Cut up to 10 percent of your electric bill simply by turning off “vampire” appliances that run all night. Read the rest of this entry »
My life is beginning to take on some semblance of normalcy, so I am back in the saddle. I recently returned from the Dominican Republic, so I am rejuvinated. I will write about that experience in a later post and put pictures up.
While I was on holiday, I was able to do something I had not been able to do as much, and that is read for pleasure. I finally was able to read a book Garlin got for me last Christmas called “The Tipping Point” by Malcolm Gladwell. In it, he lays out a pretty convincing argument for environment over genetics. Read the rest of this entry »
I would like to thank you for your advice and the support as I embarked on this new adventure. The wedding went extremely well, the vows came out better than I thought and we have enough stories to last us a lifetime. I wish I had enough time to tell you about the reception. But I am sure as I get the pictures up, I will post some for your viewing enjoyment. Special thanks to all of those who were able to attend.
Now we are on the verge of another New Year and I cannot help but be excited. 2008 is going to be a big year. Some of my friends have already gotten their catch-phrases and mottos for 2008.
So, ya boy is getting married in three days and I need to write my vows. Me and My ol’ lady are saying some words to each other before we give it the standard heave ho. As such, I need to write something sweet.
However, I have always been of the opinion that you should promise to do or not do certain things when you write your own vows. So I figured the blogosphere is far better than my one head and a stack of R-n-B cds. Thus I am asking for your assistance. What do you think I should promise to do for my future wife that is not a rehash of the standard vows? In the words of the late Ike Turner, I need to put some stank on it.
Any suggestions would be much appreciated. I am also open to any advice the vets have for a young whipper snapper going through this life changing event. And dont worry, I will chronicle all of the changes of married life for posterity. Because at 24 1/2, this should be quite the adventure.
“In this world you will have trouble, but rejoice, I have overcome the world.”
-John 16:33
”The crown of life will go to those who endure to the end”
-James 1:12
A couple of weeks ago, I was in Madison, WI as a guest speaker for a group of African-American sixth grade males. I was asked to speak about my experiences in law school and undergrad, things black men face and how to overcome them.
At the end of the hour long discussion, I wrote on the board “Steve’s Seven Pillars of Success.” At the very top of my list was Stamina and Discipline. As I reflected on this, I realized that most of life is about how much you can take before life breaks you. Read the rest of this entry »
I would submit to you that our personal path to financial freedom actually has less to do with how much we make but how we spend what we have. The need to constantly upgrade can wipe out any financial gain we may realize from additional income. So my question to the family is this; what are the services/goods that you refuse to pay a lot of money for, regardless of how much you make? Another way to think about this question is to think about the things that will probably never be upgraded in your life, regardless of income. My goal is to help us collectively understand how we can better live below our means.
As you prepare to wrap up the year, I want to alert everyone to a very important event regarding drug sentencing. On December 11, the U.S. Sentencing Commission plans to hold a public meeting where they are expected to vote on whether to make the new, lower crack cocaine guideline retroactive.
On May 1, 2007, the U.S. Sentencing Commission proposed an amendment to the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines to reduce the sentencing ranges for crack cocaine offenses by two levels. The amendment went into effect on November 1, 2007, and will affect 70 percent of crack cocaine cases sentenced in federal courts, reducing sentences by an average of 15 months.
I was watching Austin Powers 2 the other day, and for the first time, I was struck by the way he was so depressed when he lost his mojo. He was so defeated.
Poor Austin Powers got me thinking about the times when we have lost our mojo. We all have periods in life where, we just are not quite ourselves. Our equilibrium is off, our internal compass no longer points due north. It is a period where we have lost a grip on the essence of ourselves. Our swagger is on the ropes. In sports, they call it a slump. Normally, this occurs in times of uncertainty, growing pains, transition or when we experience some kind of set back. Read the rest of this entry »
I hope your holiday season is well underway. I recently heard a ridiculous story about some houseguests from hell. A coworker of mine related to me that she had some of her boyfriend’s friends come stay with them during Thanksgiving. Well, the visit started off on the wrong foot. First, they stumbled into her house, drunk, at 3AM-after walking into the wrong house first. Then, they violated the one house rule my coworker had, which was keeping their bedroom clean. And to add insult to injury, they ate all of the leftovers, single-handedly after Thanksgiving.
I was in awe of the sheer audacity and lack of respect these people showed this woman, upon first time meeting her. And it got me thinking that some people are habitual line-steppers. Read the rest of this entry »
As folks scramble to prepare for the holidays, I want to put you up on a financial management website called Mint.com
If you are like me, you are very detailed when it comes to keeping track of your money and this is a tool that might help. If you are paranoid about sharing financial info, this is not for you but if you can get over that initial fear, the website will help you categorize all of your expenses and make nice graphs to help you really understand where your money goes. More than that though, the site provides analysis on your spending trends and tips on how you can save money. Check it out, let me know what you think.
”I once was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet…”
-Ancient Proverb
“But love your enemies and do good…and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for He is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.”
-Luke 6:35
I know everyone thinks they know how the tradition of Thanksgiving began in America, with the Pilgrims breaking bread with the Native Americans. I watched the Mayflower like everyone else. However, no one ever explained to me why we pick a random day in November to be thankful. And what exactly are we being thankful for?
“Do not wear yourself out to become rich; have the wisdom to show restraint”
-Proverbs 23:4
“One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth.”
-Proverbs 13:7
“Havin’ money aint everything, not having it is”-Kanye West
I have spoken of this many times, but it is a topic that has turned up many times as of late. So I am taking that as a sign that I should revisit this topic. And topic has to do with money and our relation to it. Read the rest of this entry »
I love the winter. In Milwaukee, the winters are legendary. I was recently talking to one of my friends about the two Michigan winters I did not have a winter coat. All winter I wore hoodies and thermals underneath my fall windbreaker. That experience made me tough. I definitely learned to layer up.
But aside from that, winter always represented something more. It represented the ability to transform. Read the rest of this entry »
The other day, I was thinking about growing up and the things I grew up with. In grade school, my brothers and I were a part of this group for young balck males called the Youth Leadership Academy. Every year we used to have this oratorical contest where each grade level would compete for the title of Best Orator. Every year someone would perform this piece and it had a profound effect on me. So I wanted to share this with you. It is the Marva Collins creed. Enjoy. Read the rest of this entry »
Lately, I have been surrounded by engineers. For some reason, I have always gravitated towards scientific types, fascinated by how they manipulate and push the bounds of science and math. However, I believe that I am fascinated by the fact that they actually create and design things. I guess for that same reason I like hanging out with musicians and people who can draw. They create nothing and turn it into something. People who are always creating have this energy that is magnetic. So it got me to thinking, where am I creative and have I fully tapped into my creative potential?
I have a speaking engagement tomorrow at the Communities Learning to Invest and Mobilize for Business rally in Milwaukee. I will be the Keynote speaker, so I am busy prepping and going over my notes. However, I will be sure to post the text of the speech tomorrow for everyone to see. So, if you are in desperate motivation NOW, either hit me up or hit the archives. .
Until we have federal legislation in place regarding these hate crimes, as African Americans we need to band together to show our “Economic Power” by refusing to spend ANY money that day from fast food restaurants to gas.
There are calls for these sorts of actions all the time, and they are usually motivated by positive intentions: solidarity, taking a stand, being deliberate with your economic power. We see them on all sorts of issues, from gas prices to impeachment. These are all good things, but I question their effectiveness. For one, this sort of action can only successful if it is extremely specific and if it is sustained.
I have worn glasses all my life. I have been nearsighted for as long as I remember. I thought I was ”fly” when I received my first pair of glasses, they made me look smart. They were huge with fuschia marble frames. When they got scratched on the playground, I still rocked them joints-even though I could not see a thing. Looking back, I looked like a clown, but in the fifth grade I did not know any better.
What is the unforgivable sin for a black man? One would think calling a black woman out of her name, but apparently hip-hop and Isaiah Thomas have taken the sting out of that one. It used to be taboo to participate in interracial dating, but even that has lost its bite.
Actually, it is something a lot less politically charged than that or is it? It took me 24 years to figure it out, but the unforgivable sin for a black man is…to be unemployed. I did not realize it, now I am faced with the looming prospect of unemployment upon completing my post-graduate studies. And as the song says, I am living under pressure.
Up until this point, I have tried to be a pretty responsible guy. I have done my best to be the Dream of Dr. King and what not. But apparently, I did not realize how quickly that accounts for nothing when you do not have a J-O-B.
Have you ever noticed how much doubt, unbelief and insecurity is present in the world? I am amazed at how many people speak words of defeat and limitation, not knowing that they are creating their reality.
Why is it so hard to believe? Why is it so difficult to accept who we are? I was watching “30 years of Hip-Hop” on Vh1 and one point they constantly stressed was in the beginning, Hip hop was about authenticity and what you could bring to the table. I started to wonder what percentage of the population are truly comfortable in their own skin? I look around me and see that not many people are happy just being themselves.
How did this begin? Where did we learn that it was not ok to be who we are, with all of our perfect imperfections? I think it begins at school with peer pressure to be like the group. Then we enter the workforce and become assimilated to the culture of the company. Those who are good at it reap tremendous rewards, but those who do not risk being pariahs.
But as Jesus said, “what doth it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul.” To me, this means not just your spirit, but your uniqueness or sense of identity. It is a tightrope that we all walk each day.
However, we must become comfortable with ourselves if we are ever to accomplish our purpose. We must embrace our originality. If we cannot break away from crowd and see who we really are, we will never have the conviction to do what is right or take a stand. The way to acceptance of self is to understand that even our flaws have a purpose and that we are works in progress. Be patient and follow your heart. Sometimes what is right for the crowd is not right for you.
Be the original you were called to be. Birds of a feather flock together, but the eagles don’t fly with the doves (c) Tracy Morgan.
“And [God] delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked: For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds.”
-2 Peter 2:7-8
Everyday, I face a decision: either stick my head in the sand like an ostrich or be aware of what is going on around me. Why is this such a difficult decision. If I bury my head in the sand (i.e. work, routine), then I am in control. I am the King of My Comfort Zone. In this realm, I am King Comfort. And King Comfort is extremely selfish. However, if I choose awareness, I choose to be challenged, and on some level, see things I do not like. I choose to feel. And sometimes, feeling is frustrating.
The World’s Gone Mad…
Lately, this decision has become more immediate. Personally, the injustice in the world seems especially intense. From the Jena 6 to the Genarlow Wilson case, to the War, to the extremely poor race relations, to the woman who was tortured-our justice system has become a mockery. We are more concerned about the death of some dogs than our brothers and sisters. Our government has become mockery because it seems like it has silently and not so subtly declared war on its citizens.
The question I have really been dealing with is whether things have gotten worse or are things just the same. Throughout history, when law was born, so was injustice. I used to thing that the days were getting darker, but I am beginning to believe that it is just a re-run of the same fight, good v. evil. And each generation has had their own battle to fight to maintain and restore justice on the earth.
Righteous Lot
In the book of Genesis, Abraham’s nephew Lot followed Abraham out of Mesopotamia. When God had blessed them to where the land could not contain them, they parted ways. Lot settled by the city of Sodom. Sodom was extremely wicked, to the point where God could not find ten righteous people in the city. Lot lived in the city, but he did not condone their lifestyle. The new testament said that his soul was vexed. Lot was so righteous that the inhabitants were sick of him. So God decided to save Lot and his family and destroy the city (Genesis 19).
How many of you have been vexed by the injustice that you have seen? The next question is what have you done about it? Or have you been too “busy”? Busy is how most of the atrocities that take place occur. In the Book of Ezekiel, God calls us “watchmen.” What do watchmen do? They are aware and they sound the alarm when something happens that should not be happening. How have you been doing as a watchman?
I am not saying that it is your job to try to whistleblow on every injustice in the world. However, do not turn a blind eye to the suffering and injustice in the world, that way you know you are supposed to do something to make this world a better place. We can always do more, but do something small, repeatedly over time, is better than not doing anything at all. People are hurting, the world is hurting. I have been challenged in my spirit to do a better job. The least I can do is speak up.
That is the entire mission of The Superspade and that is what we work for. To not only be aware and speak up but to put our action, time and resources behind our beliefs. We and our readers are people of conviction and action. So, do not lose heart. I have not lost hope. All this madness that surrounds us is a call to action and a call to battle. We must fight until either peace is restored or the world comes to an end. That is the mentality of a warrior, it is all our nothin’. But it will not come easy.
We must do our part. And if we allow ourselves to get uncomfortable, God said we will be comforted. But you cannot comfort someone who is already comfortable. I just had to get that off my chest, because I am disgusted with what has been going on in this country and the world on all fronts. So, sign a petition, educate yourself and those around you, work your governmental system, discuss the issues. Just do something.
For the Love of God, we are WATCHMEN. And if you are already involved, push it to the limit and don’t give up.
Anyone who's been there wouldn't find this surprising. The places that are the focus of redevelopment areas are the ones that either Black folks never resided in in the first place or that poorer Black folks have been priced out of residing in now. Oh, the wonderful world of gentrification.
Why would they want to do that? Probably because instead of being better than the Republicans, some members would secretly rather be just like the Republicans, at least in the way they handle the political process. What these members fail to realize is that it’s pretty hard to find Washington Republicans that have Black folks’ best interests at heart, and even harder to find a major US Corporation that has Black folks’ best interests at heart.
I want to alert folks who live in Michigan that there is an opportunity for you to get down to Jena, LA to support the Jena 6 as Mychal Bell is sentenced. Thankfully, Arielle Tours Charters have offered to take people down to Jena.
The bus leaves September 19th at midnight (from Oak Park) to return on September 21st at 5pm. If there was ever a reason you needed to use your sick time, this is it. The cost for the trip (which includes lodging) is only $168!!!! This is when you think to yourself, “They are only charging $168?” You read that right and for folks that have money but can’t make it, please sponsor someone else to go. I know folks are diligent in signing petitions but this experience will be a special moment because at our core, this miscarriage of justice infected us with outrage the moment we were first introduced to this story.
Don’t ask, just do.
For more information for the Michigan trip, click here
Stay up fam,
Brandon Q.
p.s. For folks that live elsewhere, I would encourage you to find out if there are local organizations that would be willing to organize buses for folks to get to Jena. And if no one steps up to the plate, YOU step up.
Hey! Hey! Hey! I know it has been a while, and I been kind of spotty on posting, but I am back. The kid has been going through some life changes, but I am back on my horse and ready to ride.
In my time off, I have come to cherish the quiet time I have. I have written before on the necessity of silence/quiet time and the benefits. However, I think the subject deserves a little more refinement and discussion.
The Jena 6 got a bit of a break today. Mychal Bell, the kid who was to get 22 years, has now gotten one of the charges dropped against him. That means that instead of facing up to 22 years, he'll now only face up to 15.
This is significant not only because it is practically historic when someone is not excited in Texas, but because it brings attention to what the Governor refers to as “…Texas law that allows capital murder defendants to be tried simultaneously…” What he’s talking about is Texas’ “Law of Parties,” which imposes the death penalty on any person involved in a crime where a murder occurs.
So what now? Use this link to send a message to Governor Perry, the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles, and other members of the Texas legislature to ease/eliminate the use of the Law of Parties going forward.
While we’re on the subject, I wish this guy could have gotten clemency too.
The Jena 6 are a group of young Black men that could use some lobbyists, lawyers, advocates in the Justice Department, something. If you get sentenced to 22 years for a schoolyard fight by a jury of your peers consisting on no one that looks like you, it is obvious that something or someone is out to get you for some reason. What therefore must be made equally obvious is that there are people that are out to help you as well.
The Jena 6 need your help. Please take a look at the petition here.
Imagine this: A boy and a girl are locked together, bodies sweaty, hips pressed forcefully in concert, he is behind her with a look of absolute concentration, and she braces herself, holding her ankles while he thrusts harder, faster…sex between eager teens? No silly, it’s dancing!
We’re all grownups here, so let’s talk honestly about this. We’ve heard of “freak dancing”, we know that it has to do with bodies grinding into each other in what many term as “sexually suggestive”. This isn’t just about the latest craze in dance; this is about when behavior crosses over into actual sex acts.
What’s up fam? Yes, Garlin II is still alive and well . Though I’ve been on a bit of an unofficial sabbatical, I am back with some great news.
The SuperSpade is launching a new feature called “Our Next Generation,” which will be written by our friend Sakara R.. I am both pleased and excited to have her contribute her writing to the site on a regular basis. Here is how she describes the series:
This feature is part of an ongoing project called Snapshots of America’s Black Youth. It will be a series of articles about what is going on with our youth in the Seattle area and abroad.
Enjoy the series and thanks for the continued support. As always, much love to B for holdin’ everything down.
“The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work, his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which one is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he is always doing both.” –James Michner
“Take the work seriously, never yourself”
As summer comes to an end and school begins, it is a time of transition. If you work, it probably does not make much of a difference. Whatever category you find yourself in, it is no doubt a time of transition. And if you are like me, the rest of the year will be especially busy. In the midst of all these changes, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, frustrated and a little unfocused. Your joy may begin to chill with the weather. One thing I am learning is that life is often more responsibility than fun. And that can be a little depressing.
Like you, I have been busy with the end of the summer winding down and getting ready to transition into the next phase of my life. Personally, I am in a state of limbo and uncertainty.
What to do, What to do…
At first, I was a little nervous. As human beings, we are conditioned to seek security, stability. However, nothing ever changes in the face of stability. The world is constantly in flux. Things do not work out the way we planned. Que Sera. It is unsettling. In the face of all this change, it is easy to get frustrated.
However, I came to realize that life is an adventure. And there is very little to hold on to. Knowing this, it is easy for us to feel powerless. However, it is a waste of time, energy and resources to do so. We need to calm down.
Stress Kills
Stress is linked to so many different health problems. People are so busy, they barely have time to be still and regroup. And when they are not moving, their mind is. You must find a way to quiet yourself and relax. You must make that time, because it will not just present itself. Sitting still and relaxing will help you refocus and adjust to life’s punches.
And adjusting is so key. Things will not work out exactly most of the time, but you can still reach your objective. When you feel the feelings of powerlessness arise, redirect that energy into something productive.
Given the post I just wrote about saving our girls, this post broke my heart. I pulled this from BronzeTrinity. Read all of this post!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Austin, TX – August, 5 2007- Fresh off a battle with Black Entertainment Television, Gina McCauley isn’t slowing down on her blog, What About Our Daughters? McCauley is outraged over Al Sharpton’s planned ” Day of Outrage” scheduled for August 7, 2007, also sponsored by the BloggingWhileBrown Blog. Her next targets are Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, the NAACP and other African American elites who have been noticeably silent about what may be one of the most horrific crimes committed against a Black woman in recent history, she’s talking about the June 18th gang rape of a 35-year- old woman that took place in Dunbar Village, a housing project in West Palm Beach, Florida. Read the rest of this entry »
When I was in Chicago for the YearlyKos Convention, I took the bus to the convention site. On Thursday I took the bus and a young girl, no older than 11, boarded the bus. She had thick braids, an attitude, and pimples on her face. There were no places for her to sit so she had to stand. Read the rest of this entry »
“When they said I could be anyone I wanted to be, I was foolish enough to believe them.”
This month, the Weekly Dream is two years old. And I must say it has been a blessing and an honor to have been able to share my thoughts from week to week with you and read your comments. Lately, I have been thinking about the purpose of dreams. What purpose do they serve?
I am notoriously private with things that I should normally share with my family. Readers of The SuperSpade know that I end every post with “Stay up fam.” So as my family, I am happy to announce that I will be representing The SuperSpade in Chicago at the 2007 Yearlykos Convention, an annual gathering of progressive members of the Netroots that view blogs as a tool for changing the status quo. Moreover, I am part of the Chicago 17, a group of young, diverse, and progressive bloggers that normally wouldn’t have been able to participate in the convention. (I am a full time organizer…enough said)
I am very grateful to the donors that made it possible for me to go, (hat tip to Kid Oakland and the whole team!) and I speak for Garlin and Steve when I say we are forever in debt to you as your insightful comments (on the site or on the phone) continue to enrich the depth and breadth of The SuperSpade. If you will be in Chicago, make sure you drop me a line.
“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”
-2 Cor. 6:14
”For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart to follow after other gods: and his heart was not sincere with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father.”
-1 Kings 11:4
I was blessed to have grown up in a godly household. I was thoroughly instructed in the way of the Lord and the Scriptures at an early age. However, we often do not act according to what we know. I was no different. Read the rest of this entry »
Earlier this week I had a little back up in my tub’s drain and when I went to take a shower, my feet became submerged in a puddle. Not a good look! So I turned off the shower to let the tub drain and I proceeded to lather and get SuperSpade fresh. After I finished lathering, I turned the shower back on, rinsed, and got out. While I was drying off, I was ashamed at how much water I waste by taking showers everyday.
As I try to be more environmentally aware of my actions, I know that water is fast becoming a scarce resource. Before I leave this earth, there will more than likely be military conflicts between countries over access to water unless we really get serious about conservation. A while back, I wrote about the growing and troubling nexus between the environment and national security.
Most troublesome though is that there are millions of people in this world that will never be able to take a shower in the way that the West is accustomed to. My shower experience made that sad reality visceral and stark. Sometimes it is easy to forget how privileged we are in America and my shower experience helped me empathize with those less fortunate on a deeper level.
From now on, I am going to take “dry showers.” Give it a try and let me know what you think. If I am way behind the curve on this, that’s cool too.
Recently, I learned that there is a tremendous difference in being healthy and living a healthy lifestyle and being fit. As I looked around in the various activities I am involved in, I wondered why some individuals did not look like they could do the things they do. Like the guy who plavs basketball every day at lunch, but still has a potbelly.
“They say Jay, how you get so fly? By not being afraid to fall out the sky…”
-Jay-Z, Beach Chair
This morning I was watching MTV and I saw clips of the next Making the Band 4 episode. For those unfamiliar with the show, Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs has this competition for whatever type of band he wants to put together and MTV tapes the competition as Puff has them complete various tasks. This season he is putting together a male R&B group. And for whatever reason, Puff says in the clip “Count the number of beds, and count the number of people, somebody is going home. It’s every man for himself.” For some reason, it struck a chord with me.
Normally, I hate reality shows, but I am drawn to the ones where there is something at stake and there are eliminations. Why? Because on those shows you watch people get taken out of their comfort zones and see who they really are.
The Supreme Court just struck a major blow for K-12 districts to conduct voluntary school integration plans. The opinion can be summed up by Roberts when he wrote, “The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race.” Apparently, using race to bring people together is just as bad as using race to keep people apart. You can learn alot about how America by reading Supreme Court decisions. Nevertheless, the justices claim that they are not over turning Brown v. Board but that is essentially what happened. But this is less of a crisis than it is a call for action.Read the rest of this entry »
“If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.”
I recently found myself trying to get into golf and I must admit it is really an addictive game. As I was taking my first lesson in years last week, I was amazed at how precise the game is. The smallest flaw in form could be the difference between a beautiful shot and a slice. Another thing about golf is that it is just as important where you end as where you begin. We were constantly taking aim, taking practice swings and checking our ending form in order to make sure that we were developing good form.
Hope is a very delicate feeling that if damaged, can cause irreparable damage. Bush and the RNC’s strong arm tactics scuttled the hope of many minority voters as tried to vote in hopes of seeing real change. The one thing that people hate more than a bad situation is being denied the choice for something better. That is why we here at The SuperSpade are teaming up with our good friends from Color of Change to oppose the nomination of Hans von Spakovsky to the Federal Election Commission. This man helped engineer the “felon” voter purge in Florida that disenfranchised thousands of Black people. The last thing we need are guys like Spakovsky having positions of great influence where he can dash the hopes of more people of color. The dangers of more conservative lunacy is like living in a real-life nightmare.
Father’s Day has just passed and hopefully you took the time to appreciate the father in your life, whomever it may be. As I have written before, Father’s Day is an interesting holiday to me. I am not a father, but I think the relationship between a father and a child is a unique one and it tends to be a more complicated one than the mother and child dynamic.
As I was driving around the city last week, enjoying the excellent weather, for the first time I noticed that there were women and children everywhere, but you rarely saw the fathers or men. I am not talking about young men, but grown men. And I not only asked where are all the fathers, but where are all the men period?
After reading Garlin’s fantastic post on the Black Middle Class, I was inspired to think of ways that we can maintain an engaged and active middle class. This idea is not original, but I think the answer comes from actively wanting less. Read the rest of this entry »
In an interview with Prensa Latina that focused primarily on Michael Moore, Cuban-American activist Andres Gomez made an interesting observation about Black america:
We can say that the black caucus is mostly liberal, although there is a strong black middle class that does not respond to the interests of the black poor and divides that minority.
“Show me you love me and you won’t have to say a word”-Charlie Wilson
Well every one, we are knee-deep into the Wedding Season. That means love is in the air and Cupid is mighty busy. The tension and the desire is palpable. In the midst of listening to “Here and Now” for the one hundredth time, I cannot help but wonder if we spend too much time looking for love? Read the rest of this entry »
”When you play with skill, good things will happen”-Jay-Z
This week was my first week clerking at my firm. And already, this summer is far different than last summer. Last year this time, I knew less than nothing. I could not tell the forest from the trees and I did not have much confidence in what I was doing until the end of the summer.
This year is different. Because I proved myself last summer and I built a rapport in my office, I am getting better projects and it is really enjoyable. Now, I am finally getting the opportunity to look at the big picture and I am amazed at how much there is to know and learn.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”
-1 Cor. 13:11
“You cannot put a grown head on a child’s body.”
The last couple of weeks this particular verse has been on my mind. As my peers and I are undergoing tremendous changes and new responsibilities, maturity is something that I keep coming back to. I remember when I was seven and my father told me I was the man of the house and what that meant to me. I knew I was held to a different standard because I had responsibility. I could not afford to be careless or to set a bad example for my siblings. I could no longer comport myself as a child. Read the rest of this entry »
Welcome back to the Black Male Friendship series! For those that are newto this series, it is my take on the current state of Black male friendships and how I think they should be improved. Today, we are going to talk about getting beyond superficial conversations that prevent real friendship from being fostered. Read the rest of this entry »
My guess is that most readers of this site either have been or are currently involved in mentoring programs. For this work, I thank you and want to encourage you to keep going. In my own experiences, the vast majority of my mentoring experiences have been sparked by my friends saying, “Brandon, can you help out?” I would say yes and things would go along smoothly.
However, I have decided that I am going to do something different and take a much more active role in seeking out mentoring programs. There is a site, www.mentormichigan.org that has a pretty comprehensive directory of mentoring programs in Michigan. Regardless of where you live though, I encourage everyone reading this post to get out of their comfort zone and seek out mentoring opportunities.
As you know, Mother’s Day is right around the corner and the malls and restaurants are filled with last minute shoppers trying to do something special for the woman who brought them into this world. This week, since I finished my exams, I was laying in my bed and flipping through channels when I landed on The Learning Channel. It must have been baby week or something because every show was about pregnancy and how families adjust to childbirth. It was so real. I knew, but did not fully appreciate what it really takes to be a mother.
There was a consistent theme I notice throughout all the shows and stories I watched that day, and that was motherhood is all about pain and sacrifice. I was looking at all these women and the discomfort on their face was palpable. Lord have mercy! It made me realize that the road to motherhood is one birthed in pain. After they give birth to you, the pregnancy wreaks havoc on the body. Not to mention that babies have some of the strangest sleeping habits I have ever seen. One of my good friends has a baby and it is like he never sleeps. She sleeps when he sleeps, and when he is up, she is up. And the sacrifice goes on. Man, when I saw that, I just wanted to say “Mama, I am sorry if I kept you up.” Because I know I would go crazy having such erratic sleeping behaviors. But I digress.
Many reading this title will think I am writing an oxymoron, but I am not. Steve sent me an article highlighting the growing numbers of men who are entering the no-sex zone.
According to Dr. Ian Kerner, a noted sex therapist and author of the forthcoming Sex Detox: A Relationship Rejuvenation Program for Everyone, research suggests that millions of otherwise-sane men have, at one time, chosen to take a break from sex—and, in many cases, masturbation and the consumption of sexual images in any form—in search of something deeper, safer or less complicated. Read the rest of this entry »
I came across a great article today which found that “After an eight-month, barbershop-based intervention, men with high blood pressure were much more likely to start receiving treatment and to get their blood pressure under control than their peers given standard care, Dr. Paul L. Hess of the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas and colleagues found.” Read the rest of this entry »
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: a time to keep silence and a time to speak.”
-Ecclesiastes 3:7
“If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to control the whole body.”
-James 3:2
”Every man possesses a simple superpower: silence. Too few flex it on the regular basis.”
In the past, I have spoken in passing about slience, creating a quiet space, finding peace within yourself. However, today I want to talk about holding your tongue. Or more clearly, knowing when to speak and when to listen. On one level, I admire those individuals who are the “strong, silent type.” I have friends who are almost Zen-like in their ability to hold their peace and not say anything, just be “in the cut.” You never know if they are paying attention or watching everything. You do not know what they are thinking or how they really feel about you. And this type of silence lends to them a certain air of mystery, confidence, allure and magnetism.
However, on the other end, I have friends who are the life of the party. They enter the room and the atmosphere changes. They hit a room like they are campaigning for office and by the end of the night they have networked, connected and built rapport with every person in the room. Their allure is being able to come out of their shell and share themselves.
Due to sickness, exams and other general natural disasters, there will be no Weekly Dream this week. However, feel free to search the archives for a review .
Sometimes we lighten it up here at The SuperSpade. Today, we will delve into the wonderful world of hygiene help for the guys. In the first post on hygiene we touched on the importance of wet wipes, clipping hang nails, among other items. So as summer approaches and global warming makes this year the hottest ever, let’s get back to basics. This list is intended for everyone from the Scruff McGruffs to the metrosexuals. And as always, ladies please help us out if you have any suggestions. Read the rest of this entry »
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
-John 14:27
“Find heaven in yourself and God”
-Ghetto Heaven, Common
A few days before the Virginia Tech tragedy, I was having a conversation with my neighbors about the local crime in the city. In my astonishment I asked, “Where do you have to go to get some peace? The moon?” To which my neighbor responded, “You better look at yourself, that is the only place you are going to find it.” For some reason, that stuck with me.
Let’s face it, the world is crazy. And if you did not know that before the Virginia Tech shootings, that incident right there should prove it to you. And something we often forget is that people are hurting and lonely. We may be hurting and lonely and do not even realize it. So I asked myself, “Where do people find peace?”
As someone who grew up in the church, I was raised on the belief that, “Spirits ride on the wings of music.” The basis of this logic is that a singer/musician has the potential to either edify or weaken your spirit and that no one is immune to these effects. The logic ends with the axiom that if we are not careful to what we listen to, we leave our spirits vulnerable to attack. (Not to mention that Lucifer was the angel responsible for worship and music) Read the rest of this entry »
“The Most difficult thing to do in life is to make a decision”
“A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
-James 1:8
Growing up, my father always told me that as a leader and a man, all that I could do was to make the best decision I could with the information I had.Throughout my childhood, there was tremendous pressure to make a decision and stick to it.Compound that with living with Garlin Gilchrist II, the most decisive person I know, I learned how to troop it out whether I was right or wrong.
But lately, I have noticed how indecisive we are as human beings.At first, I was a little annoyed and frustrated because dealing with indecisiveness slows down the process when time is of the essence.Everyone can relate to the agony of having to wait for someone who cannot make up their mind.
If you cannot tell, I have a passion for relationship stuff. Why? Perhaps I am disturbed by the dysfunction I see every day. Or it may be because I am disgusted with American society’s approach to love, friendships and relationships. It could be because 90%of the disconnect between people are not that important at the end of the day. Whatever it is, I am intrigued by the challenge of trying to make sense of it all.
What has been on my mind lately is how complacent people can be in their relationships. It is disgusting. When they are single, they go to the gym, shower regularly, make sure they are tight. Then, once they have someone and they been together for awhile, they let their standards slip. They stop doing those things to keep the passion alive and to keep the other person interested. They settle into what I call the “Comfort Spiral.”
I wanted to follow up on my series, Hearing From God. In Part I of the series, we touched on how Pharaoh’s heart was hardened as God showed His glory through the plagues via Moses’ successful efforts at convincing Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. Read the rest of this entry »
I listen to National Public Radio (NPR)…a lot. They have new show called The Story that is simply amazing.The aim of the story is to put the news in the context of how it affects real people not having their story filtered by the experts.
Question of the Week: Is your life filled with symbols or essence?
I am fascinated by symbols. We are surrounded by symbols. By symbols we know where to go, what to do in certain situations and alerts us to consequences based on certain actions. For instance, have you ever been to a restaurant or a gas station that did not have a sign for the men and women’s bathroom? I watched several people stand bewildered in front of two doors in a restaurant because the bathroom doors were unmarked.
Symbols also cue us as to how to interact with others in society. If you see someone dressed as a police officer, in a police car, you assume he is a police officer. It might not even occur to you that he could be an actor. Read the rest of this entry »
“And the counsel of Ahithophel, which he counseled in those days, was as if a man had enquired at the oracle of God: so was all the counsel of Ahithophel both with David and with Absalom.”-2 Samuel 16:23
“Where there is no good advice, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety”-Proverbs 11:14
Growing up, the old folks used to say “opinions are like butt holes, everybody has one.” In the corporate world, they say that free advice is sometimes the most costly. Or to paraphrase, free advice is free because it is not worth very much. Now I would not go that far. Some advice is invaluable. However, I am constantly surprised at how often people take advice without checking their sources. And then these same people wonder why they keep running in place. Read the rest of this entry »
So today, while I was reading the Bible (I am on a mission to read it from Genesis to Revelation) I was reading the account of God using Moses and Aaron to convince the Egyptian Pharaoh to release their Israelites from captivity. Even though this story is familiar, it struck a new chord today that I want to share with you. The entire count of I am referencing is found in Exodus 1 through Exodus 13. Read the rest of this entry »
“How can two walk together unless they be agreed?”
On my open thread two weeks back, Garlin asked me to write about what to do when what is best for you is not necessarily what is best for the relationship. Now, this is a very interesting and sensitive subject that can be approached from different angles.
For people who may have just recently joined our site, we present an opportunity to get a taste of things we’ve talked about in the past. We’re going to start doing this once per month.
Question of the Week: What are you insecure about?
Every birthday, I take some time to myself to reflect on the past year. I think about what I have learned and what I need to learn in order to make the best use of my time on earth. This year, it was kind of difficult to gain clarity in my thoughts because it seemed like I was fighting one battle after another, adjusting from one change to the next.
Indeed, this year is one of tremendous change and change tends to cause anxiety. And anxiety allows your insecurities to come to the surface. Pretty soon, you are paralyzed and ineffective. Once I realized this, I understood my task: to examine and conquer the areas I am insecure about.
Channeling Your Swag
Last week, the movie 300 came out. It is a dramatization of the Battle of Thermoplyae between the Persians and the Spartans. The Spartans were fantastically outnumbered, outclassed, and ill-equipped, but they confidently strode into battle and fought to the last man. What struck me was the resoluteness and pride the Spartans accepted their fate. They did not worry about losing their lives or how they were inferior to the Persians, they just decided to leave it out on the battlefield. And that is what life demands of us.
We all have insecurities. However, no one is born with them, insecurity is learned behavior. Insecurity occurs when there is a lack of confidence around an area in our lives or personality. Perhaps you were teased as a child or it was something you were born with. The reason for this lack of confidence can stem from any number of reasons.
Most commonly, we are insecure when we enter situations we have no control over. And like roaches, where there one insecurity, there are a number that will follow. And what results is an infuriating powerlessness.
Excess Baggage
Have you ever sat back and evaluated all the things you are insecure about? I suggest you think about everything you are not confident about or at peace with and put it on paper. You would be surprised at the sheer number of things have you wound up. And it is okay. The challenge is examining those things that are holding you back and waging war against them because it hurts your focus.
If there is one thing I have learned, it is this: The hardest part of maturing is learning to accept and love yourself, with all your perfect imperfections. It is a never ending battle. But we must constantly perform that gut check and dare to embrace ourselves-even when we think the world won’t.
I would be lying to you if I said my swagger is always on “ten”, but I thank God I have learned to press on in spite of how I feel. And you know what? I have found that everything works out in the end.
Therefore, be encouraged. You may feel ill-equipped for the battles of life, but the fact that you are still willing to fight is what true bravery is.
The Difference between your boys and your friends. We have too many boys.
After a hiatus, the Black male friendship series is back! For those that are new to the friendship series, it is my take on the current state of Black male friendships and how I think they should be improved. Today we are going to delve into the difference between your friends and your boys.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been in situations where I learned that a friend of mine knew a guy that I knew and I would follow up by saying, “Oh that’s my boy.” It doesn’t matter if I only played basketball with him a couple times or he is my ace boon coon.
One of the major premises I have for creating this series is that Black men have too many boys and not enough friends. As a result, we end up fooling ourselves by calling dudes our boys when most of the time they are just associates.
So here is where I need your help fellas.
1) What is it about some of our boys that we don’t make them friends?
2) Do you feel you have too many boys? If so, have you ever cut them out of your life because they were not adding value to your life?
3) What is the main difference between your boys and your friends?
4) For your close friends, what is the process by which you went from associates to friends?
I am reading a book entitled, In Search of the Proverbs 31 Man: The One God Approves and a Woman Wants, by Michelle McKinney Hammond. For those that are unaware, Proverbs 31 is a famous passage in the Bible that elegantly lays out the qualities of an ideal wife. When women ask me what type of woman I am looking for, I often say the woman of Proverbs 31.
Nevertheless, what Michelle does in her book is ask, “What kind of man can truly appreciate a Proverbs 31 woman and what qualities should he have?” I have wondered this for years and I am so grateful that this book was written.
I write this post today because I almost cried when I came across this passage in the book. Michelle states, (emphasis mine)
“One of the most beautiful things I ever heard a wife say about her husband was: It feels like God is loving me through my husband. He is so sensitive to my needs. It’s almost as if he anticipates them and meets them before I even say a word.” Only a man who prays and hears from God can do such a thing for his wife” (p 17)
If you were not moved by that quote, I suggest you keep reading it until you do. And for me, and I think many other men, we want to be good husbands and fathers, which is fine. But for you to be in a place where your wife feels like God is loving her through you is I can only imagine like living a miracle everyday of your marriage. The spiritual clarity it would require to be at that place requires daily discipline and I have purposed in my heart to lead a life where my wife will that her husband is a true Man of God.
For anyone that is married and reading this post, man or woman, purpose in your heart to take the necessary steps to situate your marriage where you can clearly see the power of God manifesting itself in the life of your partner.
And if you are single, use this principle to find a partner that will sustain you with an agape love. Being single should be a time to hone your relationship with God so that once you do get married, you will be able to provide spiritual fortitude that will do nothing but make your marriage purposeful, enjoyable and fulfilling.
I know normally I come every week with a topic of some sort, but this week, I thought I might switch things up. I am giving the Weekly Dream to the people. This week is a blank space to share what is on your mind. You can tell stories, rant, give suggestions as to what you want to see written about or simply leave some words of encouragement for others this week.
Now please, do not be shy. We are not expecting Shakespeare. But we at the Superspade want you to know that we are listening. So hopefully, you will open up to us and let us in .
Question of the Week: What does it take to be competitive? Where are you most competitive?
I love March. Other than the third month being my birthday month, it is home to March Madness, arguably the most competitive event in all of sports. I cannot get enough of the upsets and the excitement. But more importantly, competition shows your character. I am always interested to see who is going to step up under pressure and who is going to fold. March Madness is a microcosm for life.
What Makes the World Go Round
Lately, I have a heightened sensitivity to where competition manifests itself in the world. It is so common that we tend to overlook its importance. Our economy, our school systems, our legal systems, and our national history are all deeply rooted in an adversarial mindset. Indeed, we are trained through sports and school for the sole purpose of being able to compete in the local and global market.
Now when I was growing up, I learned that although competition is a way of life, it is not fair. There were many times in my childhood where I felt that the cards were unfairly stacked against me. But I soon realized that life cares nothing about your struggles. You have to play the hand you are dealt to the best of your abilities. Why you may have been dealt a bad hand is something to ask God at the Pearly Gates, but until then, the challenge is to try your hardest to surmount every obstacle/challenge placed in front of you.
How Can We Compete?
In light of this realization, I have noted a few points that have helped me when the chips were down.
First, you have to put the outcome out of your head. It does not matter whether you win or lose. If you are focused on the outcome, you are not focused on performance/execution. Also, the fear of failure begins to creep in when you take your eyes off of what is in front of you.
Second, you need to foster a mental toughness and swagger about your ability to meet the challenge.
Third, and probably most important, you need to prepare yourself for the task at hand. Professionals spend a lot of time practicing, and very little time performing. For amateurs, it is the other way around. Take a professional view towards life. Do not practice until you get it right, practice until you cannot get it wrong.
Braveheart
I know there are some things that you can never prepare for, and life sometimes throws punches below the belt. But if you foster the attitude and toughness, you will always find a way back to your feet.
I heard this question posed by my Pastor, Christopher Brooks a couple weeks ago that I think should be asked of all people who lead a life of faith, regardless of religion.
If you had to choose between hanging out with people who share your faith versus people who share your race or ethnic group, which would you choose?
Question of The Week: What are your standards and do you have the courage to stay true to them?
I have seen something that consistently amazes me. And in reality it bothers me. What has my goat this week? It is the low standards that people set for themselves and those around them. A while ago I wrote about having a personal code and to take the time to articulate that, and this is a continuation of that discussion.
Low standards really occur on the dating scene. I meet many professional women that seem like they got it together, but they go for deadbeat dudes. Guys will do the same thing, dating girls based on her physicals, but that will be the topic of a different post. It all comes down to standards.
The Diagnosis
What is the source of low standards? I believe it stems from a lack of confidence/self-esteem, belief, laziness or ignorance. A lot of people do not know they can do better because they have never seen better. Others simply do not believe they can do better, and others still consciously or subconsciously do not believe they deserve better from themselves or others. Then, there are those who could do better, but lack the drive and motivation to take it to the next level.
Just as detrimental as to having low standards is having the wrong standards. This is the most common case. In this case, people make their decisions purely off of signals instead of looking beneath the surface. They look purely at what a person can offer them or they base their self-esteem on their finances or status, rather than the content of their character. You see this especially in social settings (e.g. clubs). It is cool if a person is doing well financially or they are in graduate school, but what about their integrity? Do they challenge you? Are they a good person? These are the type of questions we should ask of ourselves and those around us. Because money and status entitles us to nothing and it could be gone tomorrow. When you strip away the superficial things, what is left?
Analysis
So, how do we overcome this epidemic of low standards? First, we must know our value: Our real value. Our real value are things like your hopes, dreams, character. By knowing this, we steer clear of the false pride that accompanies wealth and prestige. When somebody meets me, I tell them I am The Man because of who I am, not what I do.
Next, make sure your standards are not mismatched. You cannot expect the world from someone else and you don’t have anything to bring to the table or you do not expect the same for yourself. Lead by example. Expect more from yourself than anyone else does, because only you have the final say as to what you can and cannot do.
Most importantly, believe that you are capable of more and you can do better. And if that means you have to be alone, then you are alone. It is lonely at the top and jam packed at the bottom. The minute you take your eyes off your standards, you begin the treacherous slide into mediocrity. We must always keep an eye towards what we will and will not accept. We must always believe that we are worth the high price we put on ourselves, because we know what we bring to a situation. I tell people, if I am with you, there is no Buyer’s Remorse with me, I am worth everything I say I am-and probably more.
Surround yourself with people with the same high standards, because they will hold you accountable. I am reminded of when I was in high school. I did not associate with “losers.” I wanted to be with the Movers and Shakers. I wanted to raise my level. I thought I deserved the best and I was going to get it.
As adults, we get use to settling and making compromises-that is a part of life. But when is enough enough? Where do you draw that line in the sand.
The weakness you make allowance for today, can destroy you tomorrow.
Do not internalize failure and mediocrity, although you are surrounded by it.
Most people have written off Valentine’s Day as an Hallmark Holiday and perhaps some of that is valid. But how is Valentine’s Day different from every other holiday that has been appropriated and commercialized for consumer consumption?
So to write Valentine’s Day off as simply a Hallmark Holiday is silly. I think the more acute problem is laziness. The Spirit of Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day should be year round, but how often does it get lost? If we carried that attitude year round, there would be no real need to commemorate what these days stand for. But, Holidays and anniversaries and birthdays is what give time and space meaning.
Especially in the realm of relationships. So often, we do not take the time out to say or show our loved ones how we feel and we take them for granted. Sure, it goes without saying, but sometimes,it is good to let the person in on the secret. Also, we should never let an opportunity pass to show our appreciation/love/thoughtfulness to the ones we love. In short, Valentine’s Day has been and always will be a time to shine. I know for me, I always used Valentine’s Day to make my move on that person I had a crush on. And thanks to Moms, my appreciation of the day began early.
When you think about it, Valentine’s Day is all about companionship. How many of us are alone or feel alone? As a result, Valentine’s Day calls attention to something a lot of people spend time trying to ignore. If that is your situation, then use it as an opportunity to give love and spread it to others instead of being bitter. If you are in a relationship, at least buy a card. Heck, if you don’t want to pay Hallmark, break out the construction paper. If you are on the prowl, this is the best time to put your bid in. All that matters is that you tailor the holiday to fit your needs and show how special that special somebody is. And you do not need a lot of dough, what you need is some creativity and sentiment. It will not kill you to be considerate.
Because in the end, Valentine’s Day really is a BIG DEAL…
“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.”
“Do not remove the kinks from your hair–remove them from your brain.”
-Marcus Garvey
Happy Black History Month! I was having a discussion the other day in various circles I travel in, and the same topic kept coming up: Where is the youth’s sense of history? Technically, in America, our historical memory is extremely short. We suffer from Societal Alzheimers. I am constantly surprised at how many people do not think about or remember major events they have lived through. In the alternative, perhaps we cannot appreciate it. It is too fresh. But what ends up happening is that either we begin to take things for granted or a lot of injustices occur.
Lift Every Voice
I believe that a major source of the ills in the African American community stems from a lack of knowledge of our history, which is partly our fault and partly not. I was surprised that my little cousins did not know the Black National Anthem. And then, Garlin posted the “Girl Like Me” documentary and it confirmed what I had already seen. The younger generation do not have a true sense of history. Thus the question becomes, how can we do a better job communicating our legacy and see it as a source of strength and pride?
Some Tips
I think we must begin by respecting and educating our legacy ourselves. How many of us “older” individuals (a relative term)really appreciate our own legacies and history? Respect begins at home. This comes by educating ourselves. Read about the men and women behind the movement. Any body can tell you about Dr. King (no disrespect), but what about the Marcus Garveys, the George Washington Carvers, and the list goes on.
Next we need to realize what the generation beneath us is dealing with and the world they live in. Every generation and time has its own zeitgeist, and we have to respect that. We may not agree with it, but we have to meet them where they are. The older generation has the responsibility to bridge the gap, come to the table without judging. There are some things about us you are not going to understand, shoot we do not understand it. But we need more inter-generational dialogue in our community.
Younger cats, lets restore the respect for the Elders. We should humble ourselves enough to soak up the wisdom and the knowledge they have. Even if we feel it is outdated or they are out of touch, you can learn something from anybody-if you are ready for it.
We must realize that our history lays the ground work for where we have come and where we are going and where we are now. It is because history is more than events in time, but they represent ideologies and ideologies do not die because they are replicated and become a part of our society, systems and culture (e.g. Slave/colonial mentality).
At the end of the day, it is all about respect. We need to educate ourselves and pass it on-By Any Means Necessary.
Realize you are the hope of your ancestors and appreciate their sacrifices. The ball is in your court.
Have you ever told your parents about someone that was tugging at your heart? How many people have had a conversation that goes like this;
You: Mom, I met this person and I think they might be the one.
Mom: That’s great honey! I want you to be happy. Now what church do they go to?
I was always wondered why this was always the first question my mother asked and I get it now, but the implications are deeper than I originally thought.
I think the chief reason why my Mom and other parents ask this question is for two reasons:
1) To gauge the person’s character since church attendance is often used as a character check
2) To see if the person practices the same faith as their child
And I think that parents should be respected for having their child’s best interests at heart. But I wonder how smooth the conversation would go if you responded to your parent’s (let’s assume they are Christian) question of where your love interest went to church by saying, “Well, actually, they go to a mosque.” How do you think your parents would respond? I know it is easy to think of your parents as the most respectful and open-minded people in the world but let’s keep it really real, shall we?
I think many parents would be taken aback and follow up by asking, “So are they Muslim?” And then I could imagine a series of questions dancing around the feasibility of two people dating that share different faiths.
Now is this wrong? I wouldn’t say so but I think something can be said for what I call “spiritual superiority.” What I mean by this phrase is the notion that spiritually centered parents often have a strong preference for three things: 1) seeing their children practice the same faith they raised them with, throughout adulthood, 2) watching their children grow up to marry someone who practices the same faith as them, and 3) witness their grandchildren be raised with the same faith as them.
Now on face value, I would say nothing is wrong with this paradigm and maybe in another post, we can talk about people who ended up practicing a new faith different from their parents. But for our purposes, we are going to look at interfaith relationships/marriage.
And rather than go into two pages worth of a post, I would rather provide the context and see where you want to take this post in the comments section. So the following are some of the questions that I would like you to chew on.
1) Would you ever date someone from a different faith? Why or why not?
2) Do you have different faith restrictions for someone you would date casually or someone you would seriously consider marrying? Why or why not?
3) Does your faith have specific restrictions on what faith your future husband/wife must practice? (And if you do know, it would be helpful if you can bolster your answer with textual support as opposed to what you were always told.)
4) Is it important that your future kids practice the same faith as you? Would you be open to them practicing a different faith from yours?
5) How would your parents react to your being in a serious relationship with someone of a different faith? And how much would their reaction influence your decision to continue your relationship?
6) Is it important that your kids be raised in household where both parents practice the same faith? If not, what is the upside of having interfaith households on a child’s spiritual development?
“God grant me serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“
-Serenity Prayer
I do not know about you, but lately, life has been coming at me pretty fast. There is always another project, another assignment, another meeting networking, etc. etc. to do. With all that ripping and running, I could tell that I was losing my mind. On top of that, I was supremely irritated. And I start acting really petty, because everything was getting on my nerves.
However, I remembered that all this stuff is really not that deep. At the end of the day, does it matter that my brother ate all the eggs? No. I believe it was God’s way of telling me to put all of my pet peeves and idiosyncracies on the back burner.How often do we lose sight of the big picture? It is human to have some bad days and to be generally annoyed with life. But if you find yourself losing it over the same thing over and over again, think, is it really worth it? For example, there is a certain individual, who shall remain nameless, that has crazy road rage. Every time I am in the car with this person, they cursing people out, honking their horn and having a fit. And my response is always the same, “Can they hear you?” Bad drivers are a constant, but if you plan for it, then it will not annoy you. Once this person began being proactive about the situation instead of being reactionary, her blood pressure improved dramatically .
The Point Is…Conserve, Conserve, Conserve
How much energy do we spend on stuff that do not matter? We get all worked up about things we cannot change or are insignificant. We take minor slights to heart, all the while expending our precious energy, only to feel frustrated and emotionally drained.
What is really important in this life is the relationships and connections we make. A lot of our frustrations stem from the fact that we do not have a meaningful connection either to others, our task or to some greater. We feel misunderstood. And it is common to feel “disconnected.” How do we make that connection? We can start by taking a little time to regroup and giving what we hope to get. We need to go outside ourselves, instead of waiting on someone to make us feel better. We are the architects of our happiness and good fortune. We can choose our moods the same way we pick out our clothes. Every moment we have the choice as to how to react and how we let something will make us feel.
The key to being effective is to use your emotions to drive righteous action. There are all types of forces to disturb your inner peace. However, take a moment and ask, does it really matter?
As I approach a quarter century of living, many of my peers have reached a point in their lives where they realize that sex is good, but overrated in many ways. As such, many of my peers are not virgins but are in a stage where they are saving sex either for marriage or a serious relationship. I applaud and support these efforts but in the event that you are overcome by your flesh, here is a little list I put together to help you out. (And yes my family does read The SuperSpade.)
1) Wear condoms. Unfortunately, in 2007, too many of us think that if someone looks healthy, they can’t possibly have an STD. Be safe. And for the brothers out there ending their sessions with broken condoms, that’s not cool. You are not Hulk Hogan. Stop putting yourself and your partner at risk and upgrade.
2) Stop wearing socks. (In other words, brothers make sure your feet are not crusty and ladies, make sure the toes are tamed and your feet are not crusty.)
3) Getting tested for HIV with your partner is probably one of the most intimate things you can do even if you are not planning to have sex in the near future.
5) If the thought of having a baby with your partner strikes terror in your heart, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex with that individual.
6) I was raised to believe that men are connected to women by how much they are willing to sacrifice (time, energy, resources, etc.) and women are connected to men via having sex. This principle has proven true for me, so just keep it in the back of your mind.
7) Sex doesn’t have to be “dessert” per se. Therefore, here are some things you can do to avoid having sex:
Go out earlier in the day
Talk about your relationship with God
Don’t end up in the bedroom
Talk (Intense thought provoking discussion that can be inspired by reading The SuperSpade
Play board games
Go through photo albums
Listen to music
Go out in groups
Give yourself a curfew and have a friend call you at the appropriate time
Make your expectations known
Question of the Week: How Can you use your imagination more?
As a child, I loved watching Mr. Rogers. My favorite part of the show is when he would go to the land of Make-Believe, with the hand puppets and all. It was a place where anything was possible. But it did not stop at Mr. Rogers; I spent much of my childhood in a fantasy world. Rather than watch television, I opted for books on fairy and folk tales from different cultures. I loved stories, to believe that anything was possible and nothing was too absurd.
But something strange happened. The older I got, the less I used my imagination. Until one day, I found myself exiled from the Land of Make Believe.
The Peter Pan Syndrome
The rise of the Information Age, Reality TV and All-Access technology has ruined our imagination. There is nothing that cannot be known about anything, at any moment of the day. Let’s face it, there is not much wonderment left in the modern world. What is even sadder is that no one seems to care.
I believe that this is because we have forgotten what an imagination is for. Furthermore, in this fast paced world there is no time for Make Believe. We have all been exiled to the Land of Grown-ups.
What is an imagination for? Well, to me it is to explore not only your creativity but also what is in your subconscious. For all of our knowledge, very little is known about the subconscious mind. But we do know this, it is always on, soaking up everything we are exposed to. Too often our subconscious is only active at night, in our dream state, but day dreaming and imagining can be a powerful way to approach problems if we bring it under the discipline of our conscious.
Free Your Mind
What happens is that your conscious mind is constantly laboring under constraints imposed upon it from the outside world. We are always jumping from what is possible to what is not possible and back again. As such, we tend to get boxed in. Using our imagination opens up a world of possibilities and offers fresh eyes to the situation. Spend more time imagining things, absurd things, silly things in order to shake the shackles from your mind. Give yourself a little mental release; because quite frankly, reality can get a little drab. Remember to dream big, if you remember to dream at all. However, as Rudyard Kipling said, “You must dream, but not make dreams your master.”
I don’t know about you, but I am and forever will be a dreamer. And who knows, maybe I can win my citizenship back to the land of Make-Believe.
Not strong, only aggressive
Not free, we only licensed
Not compassionate, only polite, now who’s the nicest?
Not good, just Well-Behaved
Chasing after death so we can call ourselves brave
Still living like mental slaves
-Black Star, Thieves in the Night
“Now there arose up a new king over Egypt, which knew not Joseph”
-Exodus 1:8
Question of the Week: Are you free and in what way? What are you willing to give to protect your freedom?
The Martin Luther King holiday is right around the corner. What does that really mean? For most people I know, the King holiday means a day to catch up on things around the house and an extra day off of work. For a while, my observance of the King Holiday was sacrificed at the altar of my own procrastination. At some point, I began to wonder whether the holiday had lost its significance, especially for people of my generation and younger.
Let Freedom Ring
The change for me came when I researched the history and heard accounts from my elders of what it was really like back then. When it became real to me as to how much Dr. King and others in that era had to give up just so we can exercise our basic human rights, I felt that at the very least, I could take a few hours out of my day to pay homage to one of the greatest leaders in American History.
But recently, Dr. King has come to represent something more to me, something I did not associate with him explicitly in all my years of hearing about Dr. King, and that was freedom. Freedom is defined as “the absence of hindrance, restraint, confinement, repression and subjection to an arbitrary power.”
Now, there are varying levels of freedom and different kinds of freedom. In society, we sacrifice some of our personal autonomy in order to reap the benefits that come with security. Dr. King and others heroes of that era cast away their own personal security by courageously speaking the truth about America and its “Animal Farm” notion of equality. However, speaking truth is insufficient; the truth must be seen in action to possess true freedom.
Looking at the state of race relations in America and the state of my own community, I often wonder if I am selfless enough to put my life on the line, give up time I could spend with my family and friends, in order to fight for the rights of others? That is the challenge and call to leadership. That is the challenge posed to us by the legacy of Dr. King, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers and others. As soon as you begin to live the truth, security goes out the window. You become a target. But if we do not protect the truth and freedom, who will?
Lest We Forget
In Exodus, the children of Israel were enslaved in the land of Egypt. Many years earlier, their ancestor Joseph saved the country from one of the worse famines in early recorded history. Joseph was a national hero and as a reward, pharaoh allowed Joseph’s people to live in the land. However, as time passed, it says that there was a pharaoh that did not know Joseph. He did not really forget, but the significance of what Joseph had done lost meaning as time passed. As a result, the pharaoh enslaved the same people who had saved his nation so many years earlier. And apparently, as the Israelites lived in slavery, they adopted a slave mentality, learning to love their chains instead of freedom. Thus, they had to go to the wilderness in order to learn to be free again.
What about us? Are we free? Or have we allowed ourselves to be enslaved by internal and external forces? The greatest crime is to forget the legacy of those who went before us and live our lives in a way that makes their sacrifices null and void.
To combat this, we can start by doing something to honor the legacy of the man with a dream.
Question of the Week: What is your New Year’s Resolution?
Happy New Year! I hope everyone rung in 2007 safely. I, for one, am full of optimism and anticipation as to what the next 12 months will bring. As always, I began by writing my New Year’s Resolutions and asking others to share their own. And as always, I am surprised by the amount of people who still do not make New Year’s Resolutions. We all know the statistics, most people who make them have broken them by February. Does this mean that resolutions are pointless? Au contrare!
Resolutions Remixed
In truth, most people do not make resolutions, they make New Year’s Intentions. A resolution is a formal expression of will. Intent is more of a thought or sentiment. The difference? Deliberateness. Most people are not deliberate enough to birth intent into resolve. As Jesus said, “The Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak.” However, I am confident we can OVERCOME our human frailty and have what we DESIRE in 2007.
What Do You Know?
First thing’s first. We need a course of action in order to achieve our goals. However, what do you know about the process you need to get from Point A to Point B? As Jesus so eloquently stated, “Who undertakes a work without first counting the cost?” We need to look at ourselves and be honest with ourselves as what we are really willing to give. If you know you do not get out of bed before noon, then do not plan on early morning workouts. I love bread and pasta, so I know the Atkins diet is not in my future for 2007. You must shape the process to conform to your lifestyle constraints. There is no shame in baby steps.
Strategize
Next, we must take what we have learned about the process and put together a plan. This plan should be more definite, but it should possess some flexibility. For example, losing weight is not a resolution. A better way to state this is saying you will lose weight by drinking more water or not eating fast food. This is not a full plan, but you get the idea.
Make sure you write your plan complete with the reason why you are doing what you are doing. Capturing your motivation is key, so on those tough days, you can get back on track.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
Also of the utmost importance, is to make sure you put your beautiful resolution in a visible place, so you can see it everyday. Do not let a day pass where you have not looked at it at least once, preferably at the beginning of the day. You must meditate on it day and night until it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Furthermore, this will enable you to track your progress. If you are off track, then you know where you went wrong and how to get back on track. Monitor yourself, it is a constant feedback system in order to achieve your goals.
Lastly
This year is a fresh start, so treat it as such. Predictions simply serve as a baseline for planning. So do not be dismayed by getting off tracked. However, you make a grave error by not having a theme for the year. We must become more accountable for our time and other resources. Let us never again let another year pass and we do not know what we accomplished and what we learned. As always, I wish all of you truth, because it sets you free and peace, so that you are missing nothing.
If there is anyway we can help you, either through allowing you to share your resolutions and plan and, from time to time, your progress, feel free to do so. Studies show that goals are 90% more likely to be accomplished when you are accountable to someone else. So let us be your life coach .
Question of the Week: What Do You Give the Guy Who Has Everything?
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37″Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40″The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’”
The Saga Continues. Christmas is only four days away. And as always, I have waited until the last minute to get my shopping done Whether it is poor planning or because I am an adrenaline junkie, I never could start shopping in November.
However, when I do get started, I inevitably run into the problem of getting gifts for my family members who have everything. Like my grandmother and grandfather, they get gifts from everyone, so you never know what to get them. Or my godfather, who just has everything. So, Christmas in my family is really informal, more of a means to an end.
But when I was at Barnes and Nobles yesterday, the cashier asked me if I wanted to donate a book to foster children this season. The request caught me off guard, but I automatically made the donation. Yet, it got me to thinking about the forgotten at Christmas.
The Forgotten
The Forgotten. Those who are marginalized in a society of excess. Those who cannot run up credit card debt for consumer goods. The homeless, the poor, the orphaned, the mentally retarded, the prisoner. Those people who make you uncomfortable by their very presence. Where is their Christmas? Are they on your Christmas list?
I could talk about these groups forever, but there is someone I bet you forgot this Christmas, I know I did. The Birthday Boy Himself, The Reason for the Season, Jesus Christ. I looked down at my list and next to my grandmother, aunts, uncles, Jesus was nowhere on the list. How can you not get Jesus a gift on his own birthday?
Immediately I felt terrible, especially after I thought about how much He gave me this year and always. Then I tried to remember had Jesus ever been on my Christmas list? And sadly, I could not remember. Now I knew how Peter felt when the cock crowed thrice.
What Do You Get The Guy Who Has Everything
Jesus also was forgotten at His birth. Forced to be born in a barn because there was no room for Him. He was with the sheep and the shepherds. Talk about a demotion. However, He was obedient to the will of the Father and squeezed Himself into a human body. So I figured, perhaps we can give him obedience.
Some of us are “Indian Givers” when it comes to God. We will start down the path and then get lax. I know I am guilty of it. I will start being obedient in something, and then start doing my own thing. So, Jesus still ends up without a gift for Christmas. This is not right. Once we give something, we must keep giving it. You do not give love once, you have to keep giving it. Gifts from the heart are repeat transactions.
Now obedience is far different than love. We love our parents, but growing up, we were not always obedient to them. But obedience has more to do with awe, respect and appreciation. It becomes sincere when we add love to the equation. And when we are obedient, Jesus gave us His wish list. He said, love the Lord with your all and then love your neighbor as yourself. If you cannot love your brother or sister you can see, then how can you truly love God who you cannot see?
This can be a challenge. Because sometimes, people can be difficult to deal with. But we must strive to see the God within them. So, how can we remember the Forgotten and make sure the Christ stays in Christmas? See the Christ within yourself and within others and act accordingly. Be more obedient, which can be a challenge, and treat even those who are disadvantaged with the respect and consideration God did when He made them.
In Closing
It takes effort to remember to see the God in people, because as humans, we look at the outward appearance. But there are a lot of people who are alone, depressed, insecure, and unhappy in a season that should be full of joy. In all the hustle and bustle, invite someone who may be alone to sit at your table, get a child a gift that they can really use or an elderly person who could use a visit. I am not saying try to save the world and end world poverty, but you know someone who needs something and it would not cost you too much to help them out. Yet, that is only the beginning of a life of obedience and service. Let’s not be “Indian Givers” with God and each other. Give the gift that keeps on giving-YOU.
The inspiration for this post comes from a book I am reading entitled, every man’s battle. It is a Christian-based book that talks about sexual temptation in ways that are very direct and honest. But first I guess a good question would be to ask if people think masturbation is wrong.
For me, and I think many other men, I felt that masturbation was merely a way of releasing pent up energy. In practice, this meant that while I was younger and a virgin, I thought that masturbation was the best way to stay pure without actually “doing” it. And as I got older, this meant that if enough time elapsed, I was entitled to a session. However, there is a verse in the Bible, Matthew 5:28 that states,
But I (Jesus) tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
For a long time, I rejected the logic of this scripture. I couldn’t understand how looking at someone with my eyes provided a direct connection to my heart. And why did looking lustfully become synonymous with adultery? That always seemed a little harsh to me. What’s worse is that my sessions didn’t involve me using my eyes to lust after a woman. For me that meant if I was intimate with someone, I had the mental video in my mind ready to go. Essentially, I tried to split hairs thinking that if I was not looking at porn or something and just recalling intimate memories, I was ok for the most part.
But if we revisit the scripture, it is clear how dangerous this thought process really is. I am sure most of you know of the concept of the mind’s eye, which is hard to explain but it is one’s ability to see things with your mind. Therefore, lusting after a woman you see on a pornographic website is no different from lusting after a woman you were intimate with from last month. Either way, we are committing adultery with that woman, which is wrong. And masturbation is really nothing more than using our eyes or our mind’s eye to lust after another woman.
And the beauty is that God created sex to be relational. What masturbation does is corrupt God’s ideal for love by making it secretive, selfish, and done in isolation. But I digress.
My original question was whether or not you think masturbation is wrong. I am really interested in this question because for me, this was an area of sin that I could tolerate. Now the Bible does not say, “Do not masturbate,” but I think the verse regarding adultery is proof enough. But if it is not, I point your direction to any of the following scriptures,
Galatians 5:16-19
Colossians 3:5-6
Acts 15:29
I Corinthians 6:13
There was an even more powerful example in the book that I think really frames it in the proper context. The authors state that we don’t have the “right” to look lustfully on another woman. Which makes sense because in the kingdom, we have the choice to do wrong, but this is very different from a right. The authors put it this way, “When we’re thieves with our eyes, we’re embezzling sexual gratification from areas that don’t belong to us, from women who aren’t connected to us.” Does this framework make sense to you?
And lest you read this and think, “I will take care of this myself,” Proverbs 28:26 says, He who trusts in himself is a fool. I pray that you are not a fool and for encouragement, the Bible also says in James 5:16, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. It is funny to me how when it comes to things like physical abuse, anger management, or financial mismanagement, we as Christians are quick to call for group interventions and seek assistance from those we trust. But when it comes to masturbation, too many of us think we can do it alone. Ask for help from someone that you trust, it will do wonders, I promise.
Nevertheless, I haven’t finished the book yet but as I learn more I will share with you. I hope that through this post, you find some encouragement in this area of your life. And though I didn’t address women specifically, I know that women deal with this issue as much as men do. So let’s have a frank discussion about this issue and ways to master it. I don’t want to see you having the strength of Samson only to sacrifice all of your potential due to lack of self-control due to sexual temptation. But let us follow men like Job who made a covenant with his eyes. Read about how that worked out for him in Job 31:9. With love,
Question of the Week: What does Christmas mean to you, really?
How is everyone? I hope all is well. I missed being with you last week, but you know, duty calls. Final exams were an adventure, but thank the Lord, He saw me through all of them. As I write this, I am sitting at work in the midst of a “Country Christmas” as my boss has come up on the Christmas deal of the century as far as music is concerned. Everywhere around me, people are slowly starting to get into the Christmas spirit.
For example, during my adult life, my mother and my brothers have been quite lax when it came to Christmas decorations, often putting them up Christmas Eve. However, last night, my mother had me hanging reefs. Then , I go and see her this morning, and she is putting up a Christmas tree. When I asked her, why all of a sudden she was doing this, her kids are grown. She replied, “We are Christians, why shouldn’t we celebrate Christmas.”
This got me to thinking, “Where did Christmas go?” As I look around, Christmas does not look the way it did when I was a kid. I have not seen the Salvation Army bell ringers, not too many houses around have Christmas lights up, and although it is the season, it just does not feel like it. Since I do not have children, then I do not have the luxury of doing all that “Christmas stuff.” And I must admit, I do not know whether it is because I am just beginning to unwind from exams, but I have been feeling more Scrooge than Tiny Tim.
Re-definition
Thus, I am forced to redefine what Christmas now means. I could say all the cliché things, like it is a time for sharing, and giving, or when Christ was born. While these are all great facts, what does it really mean, to you and me? I want to try to avoid the lip service that marks this season and get to the heart and spirit of Christmas.
Instead of worrying about the food, the gifts, the rush, the traffic jams and the rampant consumerism that marks this holiday, I am trying to find the spirit of Christmas I knew when I was little. When you are little, you gave gifts with all your heart, whether it was that ornaments made at school or a picture and card drawn. Now, we give, but it is out of our abundance. Back then, we relied more on our creativity than on our wallet.
Why don’t we try something different? Let’s not only give of our wallets, but give of ourselves. Let’s tell our love ones how we really feel about them. Or instead of buying them something they really do not need, let us perform some job they need done. I think what is missing from the Christmas I knew was the heart and sincerity that really set it apart. Once we find that, I think we are closer to celebrating Christmas like Christians.
A Little Early…
I know Christmas is not until next week, but I felt like if I put this out there now, we can do something about it before the day actually arrived. Personally, I am grateful to all of the readers and supporters of the Superspade, and I mean that from the heart. Because of you, I am starting to feel more like Tiny Tim after all. Who knows? Perhaps I will write another Christmas post next week .
“Reputation is the coin of the realm and the cornerstone of power.”
-Robert Greene
“A bad conscience is to be beared before a bad reputation”
-Nietzche
Question of the Week: Are you a prisoner of your reputation? How did you build your reputation and what is it for?
Growing up, everyone was known for something. You were either popular or you were not. You were cool or you were a square. You were smart or you were dumb. Looking back, we learned to label others and treat them accordingly. However, we were also keenly aware of the effect the opinion of others had upon us. Like gravity, we learned to function under the tremendous weight of conforming to the opinions of others or at least having a desirable reputation. This peer pressure may have relented as we became adults, only to be replaced by the stress of conforming to corporate cultures and the like. Which leads to the question: How do we manage our reputation and what goes into it? In what ways does it empower or shackle us?
The Fat Girl at Prom
I remember a conversation I had with my father when I was in the fifth grade. After months of being teased by the “cool kids” in class, I was complaining to him that I did not want to be smart anymore, I wanted to be popular instead. I was and still am, a bit of a nerd growing up and I knew I was not like my classmates. My dad responded to me that it did not matter what they thought, and just because you are popular now does not mean you stay popular. I thought, that is all fine and good, but how is it gonna keep me from getting teased tomorrow.
Consequently, I grew up not caring what people thought about me, since I knew how fickle public opinion could be. Plus, the expectations of others became more of an annoyance than anything. I watched others who let their lives become dominated by the opinion of others. Yet, what I failed to realize is that even though I did not care, that attitude helped cultivate a reputation of arrogance and insolence. Talk about a Catch 22-can’t win for losing.
The Pin and Fork
Reputation is basically the general opinion and attitude towards a person or organization. Reputation serves as an important signal to others as to how to act, who to associate with and it also sets expectations. Normally, these expectations are set against a backdrop of norms and standards not of our own creation, and our representation is like our report card in carrying out these standards. Like your word, it is one of the bare bone things you have control over. And whether you like it or not, everyone gets one. It is the price you pay for being a social creature in society. If you know someone has a reputation as a gossip that lets you know not to tell them any of your business. In the business world, your credit score is viewed as a signal of your reputation for integrity. Those with good credit have good business reps. Those with bad credit, have bad business reps, and get treated accordingly. Thus, it behooves us to keep one eye on our reputation.
But in a sense, reputation is not fair. As I mentioned, reputation is closely related to expectations and external standards. Take the double standards associated with men and women. It used to be and still kind of is, if a woman messed around with a lot of guys, she was not someone you took home to your mother. But if a guy did it, he was a Ladies Man. As a result, an inordinate amount of stress has been traditionally placed on women to act and behave a certain way.
Furthermore, reputation is often divorced completely from the truth. Like a bad game of Telephone, how you really are is often ovrshadowed by your reputation. And how you see yourself is often different also. Let’s try an experiment. Write down a description of yourself. Then, ask people who hardly know you, those who are acquainted with you and your intimates to describe you and see if it is in line with your description.
Does It Really Matter?
I believe reputation is a tool and should be used as such. It is an imperfect signal. Just as a business card cannot really capture what you do at work, reputation cannot really convey your essence. It can serve as a useful deterrent or attractor, depending upon your purpose, thus saving you a tremendous amount of time, energy and resources.
A story will relay the point. Jesus was alone with His disciples and He asked them a series of questions. He first asked them who did men say He was. The disciples said things like Moses, Elijah, a prophet and all other sorts of stories. Then He asked them who did they think He was, and only Peter said the Christ.
Reputation is just the top layer, although an important layer.
However, it can never capture the real you. So don’t be obsessed with something that is based on something as fickle as public opinion.
Who men say you are is not as important as who you say you are. Define yourself and let the world catch up.
I remember graduating from the University of Michigan and being a part of Black Celebratory, (a special graduation ceremony for Black graduating students). I was sitting with my fellow graduates from the men of H.E.A.D.S. a Black male support group at the University of Michigan.
As we stood tall and our families looked on, the sounds of the Black National Anthem filled the majestic hall. Then all at once, H.E.A.D.S. members reverently bowed their heads and raised their fists in the air. My eyes were closed and I was humbled almost to the point of tears as I thought about all my ancestors that dreamed of an America where one day Black people would not be denied access to institutions of higher learning. It was a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life.
I can think of countless situations where my Blackness (and all the trappings thereof) has served as a source of pride and inspiration. But as a Christian, I wonder if my love of being Black has served as an idol to the point where it interferes with my relationship with God. (Note: This issue is not unique to Black people. Any ethnicity could be used and the logic would still apply)
But let’s take a step back though. For those of you who are Christian, the Bible says this in Exodus 20:4 regarding idols,
You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.
It is my belief that anything can become an idol and therefore a stumbling block in our Christian walk. To our detriment, there are too many value judgments on would be idols. For example, I play online chess (a lot) and I think it is fair to say that most people would consider this activity to be fairly neutral. However, if I started to play online chess to the point where I neglected praying, reading the Bible, going to church, etc. then it is safe to say that online chess has become an idol in my life.
I think this same logic can be applied to Black people’s love of their Blackness (and all the trappings thereof). Lest I be misunderstood, I know you can love God and love being Black. Let me explain this from a different angle. Let’s assume that Blackness is a crime and you are under surveillance but the Black police you can’t see your skin. Your being convicted is based on what you say, where you go, what you watch, what you read, what you listen to, and how you generally live your life. If you are Black, I think that most of us would be arrested immediately because we wear our Blackness so proudly.
Now let’s assume that Christianity is a crime while we use the same surveillance parameters. How long would it take before you were arrested? Would you be arrested at all?
I think it is safe to say that many of us do a much better job promoting our love for Blackness as opposed to our love for God. Now does this mean that Blackness is an idol for you? I would say not necessarily but that is for you to figure out. So is there anything in your life that prevents you from getting closer to God? If it is TV, then it’s easy to just turn it off, but if it is your Blackness, you can’t turn it off so how do we find the proper balance?
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece are not necessarily the views of all members of The Superspade. It may be simply the nonsensical rantings of a frustrated twenty-something.
You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?
Whitney and Bobby. Reese and Ryan. Britney and K-Fed. Eddie Murphy and his wife. Babyface and Tracy. Kimora and Russell. What do all these lost souls have in common? They are no longer in marital bliss. Technically, theses people have enough money where all they have to do is be in love and live. But yet, more and more celebrities are breaking up. Why?
I have been having this ongoing dialogue with my female friends that circles around men and finance. It is my belief that women and money are a lot like fire: They can either help you or hurt you. With that said, as women begin to outpace men in the areas of education and high paying jobs, we come to a fork in the road as I perceive it. Women want men to be men. A significant portion of this traditional gender role is that a man should provide and furnish comfort and security. Or they want him to have at least the same level education/money as they have. On the surface, this seems fair. You don’t want any deadweight in your relationship. However, do these kind of expectations reinforce class in American society, especially in the area of romance? If I drive a bus or work at the post office, is it unlikely that I can date a lawyer or a doctor?
Think about it. Education, in theory, affords you access to more resources. It is an economic truism that people will buy as much lifestyle comfort as their paycheck will give them. Hence, if a woman is making top dollar, then how does this affect the dating expectations? Along with more income, comes a different environment. When you come home from a long day of work, who is more likely to understand what you are talking about if you are a doctor/lawyer/engineer? And how does this affect the power dynamic? I know some women who try to rule over their man because they hold the purse strings. Or on the other end, the man tries to over-compensate because he feels inadequate about his lady making more change. It is a real obstacle.
Perhaps this belief is only prevalent in the young adult demographic, but I have encountered frequently. However, this is like having your cake and eating it to. If a woman today is likely to rise more quickly, especially a minority woman, is it fair to put all the weight on the man?
A lot of women in my age group want the men they deal with to be a “high roller”. They are more concerned with status than character. And as men, we feed into it. I would venture to say that 75% of what we do is to please a woman somewhere.
I had a conversation not too long ago with a certain young woman and she expressed to me that she was afraid she was going to be poor if she stayed with this certain young man. She came from a little money and he was more blue collar. She continued to go on about the lifestyle she was accustomed to and the like. So I asked her, what did comfort look like to her? She replied it was paying the bills, saving, taking trips on occasion. I then asked her, how much did she need a year to feel and do those things, and she said a quarter million.
This is just one of the many conversations I have had with a variety of women. I am not saying anything is wrong with it, however, when pressed, they could not quantify these abstract wants and desires. If you cannot quantify it, then you will never be happy. Because it will never be enough. And while that man is out trying to stack, these will be the same individuals that will complain about him not helping around the house or with the kids or spending time with them. You can’t win for losing.
In Other Words
Maybe I am tripping. But I know for most people in their twenties, you don’t have a dime. You just finished school and you got bills. You have not made any real money and you just trying to get by and adjust to the “Real World”. Yet, when you go out, all the shorties is checkin for the dudes with the rims. Where do the real women hang out at? The ones who see your potential and love you for you? What happened to finding a good dude with some goals and who treats you like a queen? What happened to working as a team and making it together? By making the profit motive supreme, you miss out on some really good people. But like they say in the mob, “Nobody wants to work for it anymore.”
What people do not realize is that when you struggle and come up with somebody, it brings you closer. It is not predicated on a business transaction, it is based on some real, hell or high water type stuff. Then we wonder why the number of unmarried couples outnumber the married couples. Whether it comes to money or relationships, you have to have teamwork. A woman cannot expect to sit around while a man is working, or vice versa. Both people need to play their position. The money will come. It is more important that you share the same goals and values. And anyway, everyone needs to focus on getting their own in this world and stop waiting for someone to give it to them. As my mama says, “If you waitin for somebody to do something for you, you gonna be waitin a long time.”
I could just be voicing my insecurities, because I was never the dude with money. I have lived on a budget for as long as I can remember and I had to work for everything I have. Yet, I am a decent dude. I might not be able to “cake” a woman off now, but I am resourceful and she will never have to guess where she stands with me. And by the way, I am going to be rich. But you do not want someone who is going to fold on you as soon as money is tight. Every man needs a Hilary-stand-by-your man-ride-or die chick. I want to know that the woman in my corner is loyal and she is real. And fortunately for me, I have found that one. .
Final Thought…For Now
Ladies, I am not saying that you are gold diggers for having standards. But make sure your expectations are reasonable. You should hold yourself higher than any dollar amount a man could give you. Demand more than his money, demand his heart and his time. If you have that, you wont ever have to worry about finances.
Fellas, if we want to demand the ladies step it up, we have to make sure we are real men. I am Old School, and it is my belief that the man should set the tone for the relationship. We must lead by example. Prove to the ladies that you are worth the risk and that by hooking up with you, she is joining something great. If all you have to offer is that same ghetto-mentality and lame duck excuses, do us all a favor and just turn your wallet over now. Many a good woman has been ruined because she was under “bad management”, ya dig?
I could go on for pages, and I got a little off topic. But this is just how I see it being played out in my neck of the woods. I will revisit this issue from time to time and report my findings.
But in the meantime, you, the SuperSpade community, let me know what you think. What is the role that class plays in romance? How important is money really? How are prevailing attitudes affecting our relationships? Sound off.
“The theory or idea of a Centre begins with the observation of man’s chaotic reality, his confusion, his sorrows. These are attributed to his ignorance, which renders him easy prey to inessential phenomena, to “shadows” which, eventually, turn him against himself, against his fellowman, against the world. In an effort to counteract the effects of man’s deadening and enslaving dependency upon the multiple and confusing variety of existential phenomena, the men of wisdom in Asia had sought to perceive the substance or essential Centre of existence–the Centre where…dazed and pained blindness became calm clarity, the unintelligible became intelligible.” (from Secrets of the Samurai)
Life, what can I say about it that has not already been said? One of my closest friends suffered a terrible loss recently, and it has had quite an affect on me. The suddenness and finality of it all. It made me realize that most of what we see and care about is not real. And death and other trauma has a way of bringing that into focus. But why does it take something like tragedy to help us remember how limited our time is here?
Most people spend their time not thinking about death and dying, but to me, that is like the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. The ancient samurai would meditate on death daily. By doing so, they confronted their greatest fear and consequently, found the freedom to live and do their duty.
In my short time in adulthood, I have learned that you must ultimately learn to do two things: take responsibility and take losses. Every year, there is no shortage of things that I am responsible for, things that I “must” do. Responsibility is the price of freedom and comfort. But more importantly, we must learn to take losses. Whether it be personal or professional: we must learn to come out of the corner swinging after suffering failure and disappointment.
Ashes to Ashes
Sometimes, life is a dream that can seem like a nightmare. Situations sometimes seem to continue to stack up and they seem insurmountable. At times, you don’t know where you get the strength to put one foot in front of the other. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you realize that what is in front of you is not necessarily what is real, then there is no reason to fear or lose your head. Once you realize that this life and everything in it will fade, then you will live every day as your last. You will not take your loved ones for granted. You will not hold grudges. You will not worry. You will not procrastinate. You will begin to truly live. You will begin to live the truth.
However, everything is designed to help you forget that. Life is full of so much distraction and so many things that do not matter. We waste so much time and energy on frivolity. But that is the nature of the Matrix. You spend so much time putting out fires until one day, you wake up, you are old and you realize you never really lived the life you wanted. Don’t let it happen to you. Don’t get sidetracked. Because tomorrow truly is not promised. We would like to live a long life, but there is no guarantee. And when your number is called, you have no choice but to get in line.
However, that should not worry you, it should free you. As I once heard someone say, “You only scared to die when you know you not living right.”
Gone but Not Forgotten
I am sorry if the tone of this is not as upbeat as usual, but I owe it you and all of us to be real with what is going on. I wasn’t even going to write on this, but after thinking about it, nothing else seemed as important.
Take heart, life is just beneath the surface.
I pray to God we all make the best use of the time He has allotted us and teach us to number our days.
R.I.P.: Ms. Davis, You were still needed down here, but God needed you more. You will be missed.
“If you don’t have any parameters, you got nothing”
-Armand Asante, Gotti
Question of the Week: What things make up your code?
Whether you realize it or not, we all live by various codes of behavior or conduct; guidelines and rules that instruct us as to how to live or how to approach various situations. In fact, life in civilized society demands it. They are rules in action and there are consequences for violating the code. The Sicilian mafia code was called Omerta, which meant that the people did not cooperate with the police about Mafia activities. Individuals who violated the code often found themselves in uncomfortable predicaments. There is a code to the streets, which we call Street Smarts or Common Sense, which governs dealings in the real world. Politics have a code. Like layers of an onion, the various codes we are subjected to intersect, so that we live a disciplined life. They tell us when something is right and wrong. Our own personal code takes the form of our conscience. But have you ever really given thought as to what comprises your code?
To tell the truth, besides wanting to leave something for posterity, The Weekly Dream was partly an outgrowth of an innate desire to articulate the rules I live by. Growing up, my code was formed by my spiritual beliefs, my family tradition, books, and experience. By sharing my thoughts and perspective, I hoped to perfect the Code by eliciting insight from the outside.
The Nature of Codes
Rules apply in various situations and circumstances. However, what gives codes life is the fact that they are lived. What good is having a code if you do not apply it in the appropriate situation? Now the consequences of not keeping your code may not be life and death, but it may show a lack of character or integrity. Confucius said that when a person knows what is right, but does not do it, it is weakness. There is no hope for that person. People who do not have a code are capable of anything, they are worse than animals. At least animals have consistency in behavior.
As adults, more and more we are required to police ourselves and make sure we are living lives consistent with our internal law. For instance, if you profess to be Christian, then you must study our code book and seek to order your life accordingly. Because codes are a lifestyle.
Stick to the Script
Rules can change, but we are seeking something deeper-principles. Principles apply in every situation. They are constants, like the Ten Commandments. It is a rock that grounds your code. I challenge everyone to write out their codes: Rules and Principles. What set of rules do you play by? What do you believe? When you do something inconsistent to that, how do you feel?
For instance, I seek to live a life where truth and peace is manifested, consistent with the mandates of my spirituality. Therefore, I try to avoid lying, deception, unnecessary and unproductive conflict. I try to be generous and walk in love-even towards my enemies. These are lofty goals, but that is where my code demands I go. I might miss it sometimes, but having that code lets me know what I can and cannot do.
Articulating the code will ensure that you maintain your integrity on the stairway to success.
Question of the Week: What is Life Trying to Teach You Right Now?
Some people have asked me how I come up with these articles every week. What is my process? I reply that a lot of it is my thoughts or reactions to things or situations I have encountered or that have been encountered by others. My antennae is always up and looking for the lesson that life and its accompanying challenges are trying to instill. I explain it as being a student of life.
But there was a time when I thought I knew it all. I call the ages 19-20 the selfish years, because nobondy can tell you anything, we have it all figured out. Perhaps that is just youth in general. It takes being whipped by life to figure out, “I still have a long way to go.”
What Makes A Good Student
As a student in school, we were put in situations where we did not have any idea about the subject matter at hand. Our job was to absorb the information that was being transferred or transmitted by our teacher. As a student, we had to come to the material with a fresh set of eyes and hold our preconceived notions up to the light.
Some of us were better at it than others. We had our weak subjects as well as our strong ones. It was not always pleasant, but it had to be done. We did not always get the grades we thought we deserved, we might not have liked our teacher, our classmates or the school. But a job had to be done, and there was one objective: To learn and master the material being presented.
Life is no different. There are certain things that we have to go through. If we do not get the lesson, we will no doubt repeat the situation until we get it. There are people who we do not like that we have to deal with, we might not like the situation we are in, but we are in it, so we must deal. It is a humbling experience. In church, they call it being “perfected”. What are you going through right now, what is life trying to teach you at this moment?
How Do I Pass?
In order to get the lesson, we need to step back and examine the situations we find ourselves in and the situations of others. . What is the source? What changes has the situation caused in me? There is a saying that states that a fool does not learn from his mistakes, a smart person learns from the mistakes he makes, but a wise person can learn from the mistakes of others. We need to look at the present and the past with objectivity and humility.
We all have regrets, but we cannot change what happened back then, but we can determine how it affects us today and going forward. We cannot dwell on our shortcomings, we cannot be something we are not. We must walk our path and leave our own footprints in the sand.
If we develop a sensitivity to the situations and people around us, then we are half way there. Your way of doing things is not the only way and it may not be the best way. It may be the best for your situation, but not for someone else. Therefore, we should not be quick to judge others. If you judge anything, judge the action and its ramifications. But nobody walking on this earth has it all figured out. We all are trying to deal with life: our insecurities, our fears, our individual challenges. But if we take the stance of a student, and look at everything with fresh eyes, as a little child, then it wont be as difficult.
But no matter where you are, life is still good. It might not be great and it could be better, but it is still good. So learn while school is in session.
What really grinds my gears is watered-down conversation. What do I mean? I am talking about those bland lines that we all fall victim to in everyday conversation. Examples involving people we don’t know include: So what do you do? Where are you from? /Where do you live? The last question is usually connected to the event and/or environment you are at. It wouldn’t be so bad if the person asking these questions didn’t make so many assumptions and deductions based off the answers to these questions. And because so many of us think we know so much after these types of questions, the art of the follow-up has diminished. Additionally, and I think sadly, we don’t take time to appreciate the stories that make each of us unique which in turn prevents us from learning invaluable life lessons.
But what’s worse is that we have the same old tired conversations with people we care about. You know exactly what I’m talking about. How are you doing? How is your significant other? How is the baby? How is work coming along? All of these questions are not unimportant but imagine how much more meaningful our conversations would be if instead, we asked, “Is there anything I can help you with?” “I know you said everything is fine, so what goals are you working towards?” “How is your relationship with God?”
By asking questions like this, we cut through all the unnecessary small talk and fast-forward to topics that might actually make a difference in each other’s lives. Real talk doesn’t just happen so let’s stop waiting for it to fall out of thin-air. So again, how is everything?
Question of the Week: What do you worry about? How do you deal with worry?
“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
-Matthew 6:34
“Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated. With coarse rice to eat, with water to drink, and my bended arm for a pillow- I still have joy in the midst of these. Riches and honors acquired by unrighteousness are me as a floating cloud”
-Confucius
I was listening to Lauryn Hill’s “X-Factor” and the first line really stuck with me. It opens “It could all be so simple…” And it is true, life, relationships, everything could all be so simple. The truth is normally simple. There is right and there is wrong, whether we like it or not. This naturally led me to ponder, if it could all be so simple, then why does life seem so complicated/dramatic?
So, I began on a quest to simplify my own life. I started with my workout. I went back to the basic exercises. I moved on to my diet, cutting out soda, sugar and processed foods. Pretty soon, it just mushroomed. After awhile, simplification became fun. I just focused on trying to do what I was supposed to do, when I was supposed to do it. And doing what I could with what I had.
Shades of Gray
I am not so naïve that I do not understand that situations are not always cut and dry. But how many of us are architects of our own destruction? Or by our actions/inaction, we make a bad situation worse? However, the real issue is the underlying motive. Some people are drama queens. They do not have enough to keep themselves occupied, so they stir up mischief. Riding emotional roller-coasters is what makes them feel alive. But I am going to assume that the majority of us do not fall into this category.
The vast majority of people are full of worry and anxiety. We are confronted by situations or overwhelmed by the demands of daily life and the first response is an emotional one. We worry about our family, what are significant other is doing, we worry about being made to look like a fool. We worry about keeping up with the Joneses. And these irrational worries often convolute what is real.
For example, I have talked ad nauseam about what a lack of trust will do to a realtionship, but you will be surprised at the number of people who go through their significant other’s cellphone, their Facebook/MySpace pages, mail, sock drawers, you name it, because they are worried about being played. The simple approach would be to talk to the person or to get out of that situation. But if you are happy, be happy and eventually the truth will come out. Why chase unhappiness?
Our desires and unfulfilled wishes are also a source of anxiety. This is a fundamental tenet of every religion. I know in a materialistic/consumer driven society, this is difficult. It is good to enjoy what life has to offer, but everything in proper perspective. Our lives are worth more than what we have and do not have. People are more valuable than what they can offer you or what you can offer them.
The more you desire things and they enter your heart, the more unfulfilled you will become and blind to the blessings around you. When you don’t count your blessings, you miss opportunites.
Human Nature
Naturally, as human beings, we are going to have worries and anxiety. The world is a scary place. But we must train ourselves to walk by faith and not by sight. Sounds simple right? We can start by simplfying what we can. Something I have been working on is being present. Focusing on the here and now. People are normally living in the past or looking towards the future. But how many of them are truly enjoying what they are doing now, in this moment. The past is for lessons and wisdom, the future is for hope, but the present is a gift to be enjoyed.
Cut out the unnecessary and get back to the essence. The first love, the beginning, the basics. Focus on what you really need and shut down your wants, for once. This is how to live contently.
Be confident. Know that whatever life has to dish out, you can meet head on. Do what is right, live the truth and things will work themselves out. Don’t worry about making mistakes, don’t worry about failing, don’t worry about getting hurt. Life is a contact sport, these things are gonna happen.
The trees don’t worry about the rain, they grow from it. You do the same.
Find happiness where you can. It’s the simple things that count the most.
Question of the Week: What determines how you vote?
I have been involved with The SuperSpade from its inception. And for all the political issues and topics we discuss, for all the awareness my brother Garlin brings everyday, one thing has eluded me: What is my “voting process?” With the upcoming elections, I believe this is extremely relevant.
I am all for civic duty, but when I turned 18, I noticed that voter education in this country was weak. First, most Americans do not understand the structure and intricacy of our governmental system. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone on the street whether America is a democracy or a republice and explain the difference. This is problematic for obvious reasons. If we do not know how the system works, then we do not know who does what.
Secondly, the media throws around a hodge-podge of issues and scandals, but there is not a scale or any mechanism I am aware of in order to evaluate and make sense of it all. To me, politics is like a high school popularity contest. This results in decisions being made based on sensationalist issues like abortion or gay marriage, in the wrong (i.e. presidential) race.
I find business far more interesting than politics, because I know that is who runs America (if you don’t believe me, look at the laws, but that is another debate). Furthermore, I hate being knowingly lied to, so politics is not high on my list. If we want to improve voter turnout, we should empower people with the tools and the process to make good political decisions. That way, voting does not just feel like an fruitless exercise. In addition, we must teach people how to leverage their votes and make the system work for them. Voting is just the starting point for civil involvement. Although Garlin may be better equipped to discuss this more thoroughly, I will share a few of my thoughts as to making better political decisions.
One Man, One Vote
First, understand the basics of our government: separations of powers, the Constitution, etc. You do not need to be an attorney, just know who does what. For instance, a lot of people voted for Bush because of his faith based movement or his stance on abortion. What he believes is fine and dandy, but those issues are not within his sphere of influence. Take abortion or gay marriage. Those are not issues for the federal government, those are state issues (according to the Supreme Court). Another example is how we blame Bush for the state of the country. While he is responsible for a good portion of the mess we are in, the real fault lies with our lame duck Congress. Bush’s job is to execute the mandates of the Congress. Congress approved and re-approved the Patriot Act. Congress has allowed the country to be sharply split among partisan lines. It is much easier for you personally to hold your state representatives accountable than to hold Bush directly accountable. But because in the aggregate, we do not understand the system, we are taken in by rhetoric.
Second, understand what issues are relevant to the particular office. This will tell you why you should care about a particular political race. In business, people are evaluated only on those things within their immediate sphere of control. It should be the same in politics. That way, I can hold my congressman or state legislator or mayor responsible for the relevant issues, things he can and should control.
Third, look at the candidates and yourself and where you stand on the pertinent issues. This will take a little sleuthing, but I suggest that you look at a wide variety of informational sources before forming an opinion. Because the truth is often in the middle.
According To Me
What you begin to realize is that your vote alone gives you one thing: The right to complain. True power in politics is attained either through people or profit. Either you have access and influence with a large audience or you got Microsoft money. Our Founding Father’s did this by design, as they were extremely afraid of ignorant factions and tyranny by the majority. Thus, only individuals with access to the most resources could attain the heights of political power. So, to overcome this inherent obstacle, we must pool our interests and resources together (read: lobby, organize).
Closing
This is how the game seems to me, right or wrong. But I am sure if you follow these instructions, at least you have a skeleton to make your vote more of a conscious decision. And once consciousness comes, accountability cannot help but follow.
Last week, we touched on the single brothers but today we are shifting our focus to brothers in relationships. Whenever I am in relationships, whoever I am with becomes my best friend. And if I’m not mistaken, I am sure many other brothers understand that feeling via experience. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Can we keep it real though?
Now if you have a woman that can enjoy watching sports (and you know how bad it can get during the playoffs), cook up a good meal, and can easily navigate between beauty queen and tomboy, isn’t it hard to not consider her your best friend?
My theory
My theory is that men are much more prone to consider their girlfriends their best friends than vice versa. I feel this way for a couple of reasons. For one, I think that a woman is better capable at balancing their friend life and their relationship life. Moreover, many men have become enamored with the idea of a “ride or die” chick such that when their girlfriend exhibits traits of loyalty, they get really excited whereas a woman not so much. So what this means is that when a woman wants to go shopping and the guy says he’ll pass, the woman will leave without thinking anything at all. On the other hand, I think if a man wants to watch a basketball game with his girl and she passes, I think men take that more personally than a woman would.
Hanging out
But can there be negative ramifications of having your woman as your best friend? I think so. For starters, I have found it difficult to make time to hang out or talk with my friends. To be clear, it is not a matter of being on lock down. It’s just that I wouldn’t choose to be with someone unless we had massive fun enjoying each other’s company. Having said that, I found myself having conversations like this;
My guy friend: B, what’s good man? What do you have up for tonight?
Me: Nothing much man, just chillin’ with my girl.
My guy friend: Well, if you don’t have anything up, we are going to roll out to the SuperSpade Lounge.
Me: I think I am going to pass today, maybe next week though.
If any man can say that they have been in a long term relationship and have not had a conversation like that, they are lying. However, the point I am trying to drive home is that conversations like that are not bad in and of them selves. But for me, and I think other men as well, the more rain checks you take, the more it becomes clear to the fellas that if it is the weekend, you are going to be with your girl.
But let’s take it a step further, have you ever had tentative plans to go out with the guys and then cancelled because of a) you didn’t want to leave your girl lonely at home or b) you knew that your girl would give you the look that says, “All you do is hang out with your friends?”
Everything in life requires balance and the fact that I see so many relationships fall into the “either you are with me or your friends” is something that must be stopped. Are you guilty of making your significant other choose between you and their friends? Before you automatically rule yourself out, let it marinate it a little bit.
Tongue-tied
As I stated earlier, whenever I am in a relationship, the woman I am with becomes my best friend. This has its perks but one of the major downsides is trying to express how I feel by prefacing it as a best friend or a boyfriend. One of the biggest issues I have is that I have a tendency to mince my words when I know I want to share something as a best friend but I know that it has the potential to cause confusion on the boyfriend front.
And I have said on numerous occasions, “Listen, you are my best friend and while our relationship is fine, please interpret what I am about to say with your best friend hat on.” More often than not, confusion reigned supreme due to the fact that I was expecting my girl to understand issues only another man would understand.
What’s also troubling is that with the current lack of substantive male to male friendships, it thereby limits the outlets we have to discuss problems with our relationships with the woman we are with. And for most of us we can talk to our female friends but that will only take you so far, knowing that a) your girl probably won’t approve of you confiding in another woman and/or b) the female friend you are talking to will not see the issues from a guy’s perspective.
This creates two potential dilemmas. On the one hand, you and your woman will get frustrated because while the attempt to communicate is a step in the right direction, she might feel inadequate by feeling that she can’t be there for you the way you need. On the other hand, you will feel like an unsuccessful teacher trying to breakdown how you feel in ways that she can understand. And situations like this highlight the need for positive and substantive male to male friendships because often times, you won’t be able to completely understand how you feel until you use your male friend as a sounding board. After which, you can talk to your girl and chances are that if you go this route, the potential for miscommunication will decrease dramatically.
Keep it real?
But what happens in reality is that whenever your boy asks how your relationship is going, you say “Straight,” only because we are so paranoid about saving face. So don’t wait until you must talk to your guy friends. When your boy asks how your relationship is going, just say, “Man, my girl is trippin’” or “Man, I’m trippin’.” If your friend is worth his salt, the conversation should flow smoothly after that. In Proverbs 17:17, it states: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Are your male friends born for adversity or just born to play basketball and hang out?
And I am not making an either/or proposition such that your boys or your girlfriend has to be your best friend. But while we consider making our girlfriends our best friends, let’s be clear that we have positive and substantive male friendships we can utilize as outlets and sounding boards.
Many of you may not know who Muhammad Yunus is, or what the Grameen Bank is, but this cat won a Nobel Prize yesterday for his system. Basically, it is a people-powered lending network that allows people to lend others in the community small amounts of money without requiring collateral like traditional loans. Instead, it has kind of a barter system approach, with the theory being that other things besides money have value.
My question is, could we pull this off in our own neighborhoods and communities here? Here are some benefits:
1. The money stays in the community longer and passes through more community members’ hands before leaving it (if it ever does).
2. Since most of the time we probably only need small loans (say, $100 or less) for day-to-day stuff, the anxiety of being in debt will be reduced.
3. It is a great way to combat gentrification.
“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”
-Proverbs 16:18
From grade school through middle school, my brothers and I participated in oratorical speaking contests. Every year, we would memorize and practice lengthy pieces. I did not like these contests, but both my parents thought it was important that we learn to speak in front of a crowd. Normally, I would just coast and halfway do it. However, my last year, I decided that I wanted to be in the top three. So, I actually practiced really hard and I memorized a lengthy piece. I went all out: I had gestures, inflection, expression: I thought no one could touch me. And at the competition, I was in my zone. After I presented my piece to the judges, there was no way I was not one of the best orators. However, when the decision came down, I only received honorable mention. I was livid. I thought I had been robbed. Leaving the auditorium, I told my mother I would never do another speech again. Why? Because my pride was hurt. And because pride was hurt, I did not put forth the effort to develop what could have been a real talent.
This is just one of many instances where my pride was hurt and I took the stance that “I didn’t want to play anymore”, or I sought retribution on the basis of principle or refused the help of others. It has been something that I have always struggled with, personally and just being a man. However, there is a thin line pride and principle.
Foolish and False Pride
The last and probably the greatest reason relationships fail is pride, because it is the sin all others originate from. What is pride? Some refer to it as arrogance, disdain for the value of others, hubris, an attitude of over self-importance, rebellion. To me, it is when ego obstructs doing the right thing.
How many times has your pride caused you to do what was right? Lately, I have been wondering why whenever I try to humble myself, I keep getting in the way? Whether it is in my spiritual life, my relationships, or whatever. And frequently, this comes out when someone has offended our self-perception or attacked our self-worth.
Love is Stronger than Pride?
In relationships, pride is especially deadly because we feel as if those we deal with intimately should know better and know what will hurt or offend us. Thus, they are in a key position to clash against our delicate egos. This makes communication or forgiveness almost impossible. Pride also acts as a blinder of the truth. We will continue in wrong and try to justify it, rather than rejoicing in truth and the resolution of conflict. We will not even come to the table because we are so hurt and so offended. I am guilty of it, we all are. And when pride comes, our worse selves are made manifest.
On the other hand, what if you are dealing with an egotistical person? The prideful person takes the form of many different personality types and people have varying levels. However, if it gets to the point where you cannot reason with them or they will not listen, or their pride makes them vindictive, watch out. It may be better to deal with them from a distance. In a relationship or any multiple person enterprise, there is a certain level of conciliation that occurs to move from the local “I” to the nonlocal “us”.
Pride is also manifested in so-called independence. People who try to take everything on themselves, when the endeavor or situation affects everyone. I am not talking about when one person steps up because no one else will. I am referring to when you have willing participants, but you want to do it yourself. I see this all the time in relationships. One person will have a problem, and would rather struggle with it all alone, rather than sharing it with their companion. What they fail to realize is that their partner is affected whether they share it or not, because they can tell something is off. And begins to breed mistrust and hurt because that openness and honesty is not being manifested between them anymore. The only cure is to move from the “I” mentality to a “We” mentality. This movement fosters intimacy, strength and healing.
The Cure
Gratitude is the cure for pride. When you see how fragile you really are and how blessed you are in spite of yourself, it is hard to let yourself get in the way. We must learn to manage our egos before we miss out on some really good people and opportunities. It is a constant battle to maintain proper perspective and to know the true source of our feelings and motivations. Is it pride or principle?
In Summary
These last five weeks, we have explored the five most common reasons relationships fail. I have learned some things about myself and I hope you have also. In Genesis, it says that it is not good for man to be alone. Humans are social creatures and we need relationships to foster our growth and development. Therefore, we should continue to strive for a “more perfect union” with God, ourselves and each other.
Question of the Week: What comments do you have about the “Things Fall Apart Series”? Are there any factors you would have added?
Categories: steve theweeklydream
“Sometimes, your best is not good enough”
-Me to R.
“People get worse, when there is no incentive to get better”
In my household, ingratitude was a cardinal sin. Even if you did not get exactly what you wanted, you appreciated what you did get. My dad called my brothers and I “benefit brothers” whenever we neglected to say thank you and focused on the gift and not the giver. At the time, we thought he was being sensitive, until we grew to manhood and realized how much effort and a show of concern it was for my parents to give us good things.
Do you know someone who is never happy? Whenever you talk to them, nothing is going right? This kind of individual always complains and the glass is always half-empty. I hate this type of person, and hate is a strong word. But if God hates ingratitude and unthankfulness, then I figure I am in good company. Ingratitude is defined as not only taking things for granted, but not assigning a proper value to the things/people/situations in your life. Where there is ingratitude, pride, self-righteousness and entitlement are right around the corner. But that is a topic we will discuss next week.
As a sidenote, ingratitude has been a sticking point with me as far as my relationship to American society. In other countries, people are so thankful, when they have dramatically less than we do. And they never forget what they have been through. But people who have never experienced hardship tend to be the most unthankful. It takes a certain level of humility to realize that the little bit you have can be gone tomorrow.
In a Relationship
Humans have a basic need for recognition and appreciation for their contributions. Think about if no one ever said thank you to you or complemented you on a job well-done? You do not need it, but credit should be given when it is due. Eventually, bitterness and resentment will begin to set in, if you constantly give and nothing is given back. I am willing to bet you will not stay at that job for long. In fact, studies have shown that people would rather have recognition than a pay raise. And really, what is a raise but a monetary equivalent to a thank you and a job well done.
In relationships, people settle into routines and come to expect certain things. Pretty soon, people begin to believe that they are entitled to certain treatment rather than seeing the treatment as an expression of love or respect. Complacency and apathy begins to set in. They do not put forth the effort they once did. This happens once people get used to each other. They might let their hygiene slip, stop working out, or doing those little things that show they are paying attention. What happened? It tends to make you feel like you are not worth it anymore and then you start acting the same way.
Let’s be clear, outside of a respect for your basic human dignity, no one owes you anything. No one has to do anything for you-no matter how special you are. Any thing that happens to you, be thankful for it, because it is either a lesson or a blessing. Be grateful for the people in your life and who care about you.
Indeed, think of people who you have loved, who took you for granted, who did not recognize your value and the sacrifices you made? Why? Because life is hard and anything won does not come easy. It takes restraint to not follow your instincts, and to mute the dark side of your personality, especially in a relationship. A relationship is a team effort. It takes effort to listen when you want to yell, to be patient while the other person works out their issues, to provide etc. It is tremendous investment of energy and resources-it is only natural to want a return.
But when the other person (hopefully you are not the ingrate in the situation) does not recognize or express gratitude in the way you would like, what should you do? That is not an easy question to answer. Perhaps the other person is not aware of it. And that is when you have to speak the truth out of love. However, before you confront them, look to the areas in your life where you exhibited ingratitude-inside and outside the relationship. In that conversation, discuss what you like or appreciate about each other. This should be a common practice. There is nothing more charming, endearing and disarming as a sincere thank you, kind word or gesture. Also, be specific. Think of how you want them to show their appreciation and ask them if there is a way they might want you to show them. It could be that you are just speaking different love languages.
As I have said before, gratitude must become a way of life. It must permeate your entire being and your relationship. God has put these people in your life for a reason-cherish them and they should do likewise. However, if you or your significant other do not know what purpose you play in each other’s lives, then ingratitude results. So clarify your purpose. Have that conversation. Why am I here? Why are you here? If nothing changes after you confront them or you still feel unappreciated, then you have soul searching to do. You have too much too offer to continue to be taken for granted by anybody.
Tomorrow is not promised
Life is so short. Whenever I do not feel thankful, I go back to where I have come from, to the people around me. Even through the rough spots, my motto was, “it could be worse.” I think of what if the person around me was no longer here or if I was no longer alive, what is the last thought I want them to have of me? Or I try to think of the most morbid scenario and it makes me feel better.
Thus, I try not to let a day go by without showing or expressing my gratitude to everyone I meet. You can do the same by being courteous, interested, and aware of the person in front of me and letting them know I understand their purpose in my life. To be honest, most people do not stop and consider that, but that’s why you’re here .
What’s the difference (if any) between being “a radical thinker/actor” and being “a revolutionary thinker/actor”?
This question, among others, was poised to me in an email by a sister/colleague of mine from my days at the University of Michigan. The fact that this question was sent over email is further evidence of why spaces like the Superspade are so vital, so we have active and lively discussions pertaining to Black Thought. Primarily because for those of us who were active in college but are now spread across the country, it is difficult to have conversations like this. Thank you Tiffany,
I remember having a conversation with my nephew where he used some slang term I can’t remember right now, but I asked him what the word meant. He tried to define it as best he could but to no avail. The lesson learned was that we should all be careful to use words that we know what they mean. This same principle applies to the question posed from the outset.
What’s the difference (if any) between being “a radical thinker/actor” and being “a revolutionary thinker/actor”?
The operative words here are obviously radical and revolutionary. A dictionary search of these terms I think provides a good foundation for our discussion.
For our purposes the best definition we have for radical is favoring drastic political, economic, or social reforms.
As for revolutionary, two definitions actually suit our purposes;
1. of, pertaining to, characterized by, or of the nature of a revolution, or a sudden, complete, or marked change: a revolutionary junta.
2. radically new or innovative; outside or beyond established procedure, principles, etc.: a revolutionary discovery.
With these definitions in tow, I think it is safe to say that a radical is someone who believes things should be profoundly different while a revolutionary is someone who takes action to realize the manifestation of radically held beliefs.
Are these terms commonly used interchangeably — if so what are the implications in doing so? Do we use the terms “revolution” and “radical” in superficial manners?
Unfortunately these terms are thrown around like dirty socks. People should understand that real revolutionaries died and risked the safety of their families just so we could go to college, vote, use public accommodations, and give us the peace of mind to be anything we wanted to be. We are the living dreams of those who sacrificed and imagined what a better America would look like.
I think it is safe to say that the term radical is not widely used as revolutionary. Having said that, the term revolutionary has become so superficial that people think they are a revolutionary if and when they put their fist in the air. If we took time to appreciate the sacrifices of those who actually started to raise their fists, I don’t think many people would feel worthy to do so.
What does this mean for the black community? (i.e. does it change how you think about our history? how would collective definitions of “revolution” and “radical” impact our future?)
What all this means for the Black Community is that we need to have real discussions about first what radical means. For example, is it too radical to think that the federal government should apologize for slavery? Moreover, is it radical to think that we should completely change the way we fund K-12 public education that leaves inner-city schools with the least resources and the most problems? Is it radical to think that mentorship in the Black community should be a way of life and not something you do to spruce up your resume’? I could go on and on but I think on a fundamental level, we have convinced ourselves that all of the big battles have already been fought and won.
What’s more, what we think of as radical seems to be constantly minimized. Just about every time I was at a town hall meeting for the Black community, someone would always say that in order to build our community, we should make a point to speak to every Black person we see on campus. For some people this was a radical idea believe it or not. So what would help our efforts is to really dig when people claim to have radical ideas and use our rich history to test how radical this idea really is. Because I am sorry, but speaking to each other is not radical, that is required. But we do disservice to those who came before us when we either start with a defeatist attitude or we let our fear diminish the size and scope of our dreams.
How do these definitions apply to you and your profession and/or your contributions to the black community and society as a whole?
I’ll start with what I do. I work as the Michigan Field Organizer for the United States Student Association, the nation’s oldest and largest student association where our motto is, “Education is a right, not a privilege”. Right now I am doing voter registration/get out the vote work across various campuses and after the election I will be coordinating campaigns focused on increasing access to higher education. So for me, the work I do is directly tied to radical ideals and I have the opportunity to work on two issues where revolutionary action is needed; political and educational access.
However, the fatal flaw far too many of us make the assumption that our revolutionary work (if we do work at all) is confined to our college days and once we graduate, we put those things behind us. Working a corporate job does not give you a community service pass, nor does working a community service job give you the moral high ground. A word on folks holding down the corporate job; stop saying you are too busy. In college you held down two jobs, 16 credits, and managed to hold down 4 organizations. So just know that you make time for what is important. And if it is the case you literally have no time for anything other than your job, I would ask you two things. 1) Are you being efficient with your time? And 2) are you leading a life of significance or success?
Lastly, I would ask everyone to really ask themselves what it is they want to do that is revolutionary on a small scale and a large scale and draw up a backwards plan and see these goals through fruition. And the beautiful part is that you will need allies to help your goals. That is the true beauty of my people. For if anyone has ever been to a rally with a sizable amount of Black people intent on accomplishing one goal, you know exactly what I’m talking about. That is truly revolutionary.
For those keeping score at home, we are at Part 4 in our series on Black male friendships. Up until this point, I have not discussed the issue of how women figure into the situation. And because one post would have been too long, at a later time I will explore how friendships are affected by men in relationships. But today, we will focus on the single brothers.
Let me say for starters that it is probably easier for single brothers to manage more meaningful male friendships. However, this is not always the case.
When things are down, do you call your boy or your “friend”
One issue that many single brothers have to deal with is going through emotional downtimes. And for a myriad of reasons, it is easier for many of us to share our deepest feelings with women rather than men. Now I understand that if you need to get something off your chest, then by all means do what you have to do. However, we should take a step back to think of the long-term implications of never being able to tell your boy what is really going on in your life.
If we were really honest, most brothers do not use each other as sounding boards. However, it is not until a situation has either blown up or otherwise finished, that a brother will then share what happened. But we need to get to a place where we have conversations like this; “Steve, I have this situation and these are the options I am looking at, let me know what you think.”
And since conversations like this are not widespread, it is often the case that brothers will turn to their girl “friends” for comfort. But here’s the twist, whether you are attracted to the woman or not, there is something very intoxicating having a woman listen to your woes while your head is in her lap, figuratively speaking. Now I am not saying brothers shouldn’t be talking to sisters but I am challenging brothers to be honest about what is accomplished after they have heart to hearts with their girl “friends.” Do you get sound, practical advice that you use to help your situation? Do you start out trying to get sound advice but end up talking about topics completely unrelated? Are you intentionally unintentionally laying the foundation for a relationship? Do you find yourself more attracted to this person after talking and/or are you sending signals that might be misconstrued that you may want more than just friendship?
I pray that at least one of these questions speak to you where you are at. My point though is that the majority of these issues could be alleviated if brothers had the courage to have more meaningful conversations beyond work, women, and sports. To be clear, this is not an either/or proposition, such that brothers should only talk to women or men. However, the current balance is heavily in favor of women and we need to tip the balance in the other direction.
Psuedo-girlfriends
For players and non-players alike, it does you no good to be running around with pseudo-girlfriends because you afraid to be lonely. Do some self-evaluation so you can be a better boyfriend/husband for your next relationship. What I mean by pseudo-girlfriend is someone (where there is an established mutual attraction) who fulfills one or some of your needs, but you have no intention of making her your girlfriend. Some examples include but are not limited to physical intimacy, spirituality, emotional support, intellectual debate, hanging out, etc. Situations like this are one of the sure fire ways to guarantee an argument framed around, “What are we?” or “Are we building something serious or not?” So beyond having clear communication, it is important to take advantage of being single and use that time to grow in all the ways you deem important. However, this constant girlfriend status (real or pseudo) does little to help this process. Nor does it help the women who think they are building something that is really all smoke and mirrors.
And if you can’t talk to your friends about real issues, why are they your friends to begin with?
“Lust, can sometimes override trust…”
-Lupe Fiasco, Real
Growing up and being the oldest son, I was often called upon to share my things: clothes, toys and various hygiene products. Often, these are things I purchased with my own money. Therefore, I was extremely anal about their maintenance and placement. But it never failed, my brothers would always take my things without asking. And since it was not their property, the same level of care or stewardship was not exhibited. I would find my clothes, dirty, on the floor, things left all over the place or used up without being replenished. As anyone could imagine, this caused me to become 1.) Very protective of my things (which I am unto this day) 2.) Very reluctant in allowing anyone to use my belongings. In school, I learned early not to trust anyone, because everyone does not operate from a place of integrity.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a very trusting person and I want to trust people, but everyone does not value the things I value and vice versa. Sociologists call trust a function of a person’s belief in the benevolence and competence of the other party. People are more likely to forgive incompetence (e.g. ignorance) than a lack of benevolence (i.e. moral uprightness). It is this asymmetry of values that I believe is responsible for the suspicion that permeates our relationships. For example, if I know what you value, then there are only two outcomes: either I will respect and treasure your values or I will not. And then you know where you stand with me. In any event there must be communication, understanding and forgiveness when trust is broken.
The Foundation
Trust is the belief in the good character of one party, and their desire to fulfill their previous promises. As I have said before, trust is harder to come by than love. However, love without trust is just sound and fury, with no power behind it. Think about how many people you truly trust? There are two types of people in the world: the innocent until proven guilty crowd and the guilty until proven innocent consortium. The former are very trusting, until you cross them, then your name is mud. With the latter, it may take some time to gain them over, but once you have them, they will give you a little more rope to mess up. Which are you? Most of the time, you trust people to be themselves, based on your assessment of them.
A lack of trust is lock-and-step with unforgiveness. People may be able to forgive you, eventually, but when the trust is gone or damaged, it is almost impossible to get back. It is one thing to ask for forgiveness, it is quite another to asked to be restored to your former standing. That is truly an exercise in Christian/Agape love (see the story of the Prodigal Son).
Why? It goes back to how trust is formed. Trust takes time and experience to build. After you have assessed someone’s character and integrity, only then is it safe to be vulnerable around them. But when selfishness, negligence, or weakness enters into a relationship and is succumbed to, then trust is threatened.
In relationships, people make mistakes and people get hurt. Either people do not respond to you the way you would like them to, they might be flaky or moody, or just plain rude and inconsiderate. For whatever reason, people do things that make us hesitate in trusting them or dealing with them. Is it completely their fault or could you be to blame? Were your expectations set and are they realistic?
What is even more complicated is when you have done nothing wrong, but the other person does not trust you, therefore they hold back. It is hard for them to let go and trust your judgment or take your word. But you still want the relationship to work, you still want to deal with the person, so how do you rebuild/strengthen the trust?
It Aint Easy…
Regaining trust has a lot to do with redemption and restoration. There literally is a breach in the relationship that must be repaired in order to continue in the relationship. First, the person who was transgressed against must be open to the possibility of placing their trust in the person. As previously stated, unforgiveness and self-preservation will be the biggest obstacle to doing this. But if the person is not open to forgiving and trusting again, then it is a losing battle.
Next, take time to communicate earnestly and listen to each other. This way, you can see who the person really is and you lay the foundation to “reset” the relationship, when you catch a glimpse of the person’s heart and if they truly have your best interest.
On the other side, the transgressor must do everything to prove their consistency and steadfastness. And, hopefully, with time and God’s help, all will be well.
Fight the Good Fight…
Lack of trust is like brain cancer or a house without a foundation, it is only a matter of time before it is a wrap and the relationship is irretrievably broken. If the trust has been damaged, you must reassess everything to see if it is worth saving and if you can truly move past the hurt and suspicion. If you have healthy, trusting relationships in your life, guard them jealously, because once trust is gone, there is really little left. If you can bounce back from a breach in trust, then you will be closer than ever. There is nothing like the threat of losing something to make you cherish it.
Any relationship takes work, you must decide if it is worth it…
Life is too short to constantly be looking over your shoulders around the ones you love.
Forgive and love again-if it is worth it and with God’s help.
“Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, love keeps no record of wrong”
1 Cor. 13:5
“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”
After communication, unforgiveness is the second reason most relationships fail. This is a big one for me, because I can hold a grudge forever. But unforgiveness is a major roadblock in the progression of relationships. Why? Because when you let someone in to your heart, you expect them to know better. So when they do something, you feel it that much more. And although you want to forgive them, it does take time and prayer.
I think of unforgiveness as having rocks in your book bag, it does not do anything but slow you down. Every time some one does something to you, and you do not forgive, it begins to wear on you. You become a prisoner to the past and eventually bitterness and resentment comes in. You can always tell when some one has not really gotten over something because when you get in an argument, they bring up the old stuff into the new conflict. They use words like “You always” or “You did this last time”. They still are mentally stuck in the past.
I believe that, if you forgive someone, you don’t bring it up again. If you can’t move past it, it may be better to let the relationship go, because it is not worth making both parties miserable. Personally, when people have hurt or betrayed me, I have to forgive them or leave them alone. That is the only way to truly heal some times. Still having trouble? Think of when you have done something wrong, what if God held everything you did over your head? As they say, “To err is human, but to forgive is divine.”
What are the hurts are grudges you are holding? As the saying goes, pick your battles. Is it really a big deal or are you sweating the small stuff? Will you care about this issue ten years from now? And if it bothers you that much, confront them. What do you want from the situation? An apology? A remedy? Communicate what you are looking for, say your peace and leave it alone. Easier said than done, right? Human nature, being the dark, vindictive beast it is, does not make this easy. For some reason, we want to hold on to the hurt, the pain, if we did not, we would let it go. But if we do not forgive, how can God forgive us?
Forgiveness does not immediately heal the pain, but it starts the process. And if we are going to continue to be in relationship with each other, the transgressor must do everything they can to help the other person forgive, and the other person must do all they can to forgive. Check those emotions at the door and put forth the effort. At the same time, forgiveness does not mean that you can keep doing the same thing over and over again, that is wicked and weak. Just because I am supposed to forgive you, does not give you free reign to exploit my niceness as weakness. I will forgive, but that does no mean I will keep dealing with you.
The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sin. Love makes forgiveness easy. If we truly love someone, we find t difficult to stay upset with them. People I cared about have lied to me and took me for granted, but the love I have for them keeps me in their corner.
Forgive them, for often, they do not know what they do. And pray for those that despitefully use you. Only then, can we be children of the Most High.
“Whoever talks the most, needs the relationship the most”
Earlier this summer, I had the opportunity to spend some time with my grandfather. We talked and as my grandparents’ forty-seventh wedding anniversary was around the corner, I asked him how he managed to stay with someone that long. Among the many reflections he shared with me, he said, “You have to make up your mind that this is where you want to be, and that the sacrifices you make are worth it.”
It is a conversation that stuck with me. I realized, and I have said before, that we do not have many examples of functional relationships. My generation is embarking upon life without knowing how to make a relationship that lasts. What will be the fallout? So I started thinking, if no one can tell me how to make a relationship work, then perhaps it would be instructive to discuss why relationships fall apart. And I am not just talking about romantic relationships, but any type of relationship, although romantic relationships lend themselves easily to analysis. The next five weeks will reflect my top five reasons for Why Things Fall Apart and how to combat relationship cancer.
1. Communication
Communication is the one of the primary culprits for relationships breaking down. As my brother Garlin is oft to say, “90% of relationship problems stem from a breakdown in communication”. Most of the time, someone has a need and it is not being met. Or there is a disagreement, and what ensues is an exercise in passive aggressiveness. This will only make matters worse. You should be able to communicate with your partners with complete and utter candor and honesty. My rule is that I am willing to discuss it once and then, I leave it alone.
What does it take to effectively communicate? First, it takes a skill that we all can improve upon: Active Listening. This type of listening is concerned with trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Next, there must be a sensitivity to the communication style of the person we are dealing with. In writing, the first rule is to tailor your message to your audience. You cannot come at everyone the same. To do so is asking for disaster, because it ignores the uniqueness of the people you are dealing with. Some people need to tough love, others need to be spoken to in soft tones. Whatever the approach, you want to make sure that you are not wasting your breath or your time. So it is best to strategize your approach so that you are heard. We are looking for more than an emotional release, we communicate to inspire change.
Lastly, there must be a willingness to communicate. Stereotypically, men hate the fact that women always want “to talk things out” and do not take the process seriously. However, I have met individuals of both sexes who hate “arguing” or “conflict” or “talking”. In other instances, they “shut down” and act cold, implementing the silent treatment. These individuals make a horrendous error. It takes a lot for someone to open up and to disregard that bravery leads to resentment and it also sends the wrong message. Even when you do not feel like talking, you have to talk. You might need some time to cool off or think, but do not make the mistake of being to busy or too hurt to resolve issues. Life is too short. If you are dealing with someone who does these things to you or who will not put their feelings to the side for the greater good, then as the saying goes, “shake the dust off your feet” and keep it moving. All you are going to get for your efforts is frustration.
Any relationship is a process, and communication is the lifeblood of relationships.
A closed mouth don’t get fed.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: What communication challenges have you faced and how did you overcome them?
“And everyone that was in distress, and everyone that was in debt, and everyone that was discontented, gathered themselves unto him; and he became a captain over them: and there were with him about four hundred men.”
-1 Samuel 22:2
“Let us remark, meanwhile, how indispensable everywhere a king is, in all movements of men. It is strikingly shown, in this very War, what becomes of men when they cannot find a chief man, and their enemies can.”
-Thomas Carlyle
What is leadership? More importantly, why would anyone want to become a leader? How do you become a leader? Can you be a leader with no followers? Today, leadership is spoken of in ethereal and lofty terms, like a Holy Grail of sorts. But, like many things, it is not often defined, which illustrates the elusiveness of the ideal. Furthermore, leadership profoundly is an extension of personality (leadership styles) on a collision course with various situations and scenarios. Yet, in these perilous times and in our communities, we need effective leadership more than ever.
A Closer Look
Leadership, simply defined, is a relationship of power, in which one has the ability to influence, motivate and guide others. This can occur formally or informally, depending upon the structure we operate in. Leadership can also vary in scope. At the extremes, one can either govern himself (self-control) or govern the entire world (God). So normally, we will find ourselves somewhere in the middle. We all have a certain style that we exhibit and also gravitate to. Leadership is essential to any group because we need someone to organize people and resources around a common vision and ensure accountability. Leadership archetypes abound throughout history and society.
For me, one of the greatest leaders in history was King David. The context for the verse at the beginning of this post shows David running for his life, trying to escape the current king, Saul. As he fled, the dregs of society attached themselves to him. Why? These were men who seemed to have problems with authority and the natural order of things. What was so special about David that he became a captain over them? David started out by himself, in a mountainside, watching sheep. However, something about his spirit or makeup made him willing to step up at the right time. Whether it was protecting the sheep or slaying Goliath. However, he also recognized and respected the structure he operated in, refusing to kill King Saul, when he had ample opportunity. David had vision, confidence and self-control. As a result of his leadership, Israel enjoyed a golden age of military dominance and prosperity.
Crisis in Leadership: Who are you following?
Who are the leaders in your life and why? Whether we know it or not, we are “following” someone. It is a fiction to believe that we are completely autonomous. With that said, what happens when leadership breaks down or the leader in no longer fit for the position? When this occurs, the group and culture is one in crisis and chaos ensues until someone else fills the void. However, every misstep of leadership inevitably weakens the prestige and power of the office (read Bush). There is an issue of credibility.
Often, this is the problem in our communities. The absence of males in the home and in our community institutions (e.g. church) leads to a crisis in discipline and authority. For example, fathers teach children how to operate and function under authority and within a chain of command. However, what happens when there is no father in the home or an effective male model? The result is a generation of undisciplined individuals who do not know how to lead nor respond to authority. As a result, the prisons are teeming with our brothers.
As a man, I struggle with this issue myself. Spending most of my life leading, I have yet to learn to effectively follow or to find that formal mentorship that often makes the difference. Perhaps, this is rooted in issues of trust and skepticism as to the motives of others? John Maxwell stated that individuals will only follow people whose leadership ability exceeds their own. Otherwise, there is no true incentive for them to put their own agenda to the side. In light of this, I pose the question, Why should anyone follow you? How should we respond in a crisis of leadership?
What is My Motivation?
Personally, I do not believe in born leaders. As the Bible states, “Many are called, but few are chosen.” How do you become chosen? By answering the call to leadership. We must first embrace the idea of ourselves as leaders, because someone is always watching your actions. Once you begin to do that, you begin to undergo the process of leadership development. Leadership development is all about attaining the habits, disposition and self-control to lead. Implicitly, that is what last week’s post was about: Stepping your game up. Whether you are leading from the back or the front, leaders set the standard for excellence. Next, we need vision. An effective vision:
Is clear and vibrant in the mind of the leader
Articulates a better future
Is a bridge between the less preferable now and the more desirable future
Compelling and energizing
Connects with people on an emotional and spiritual level
After vision, we must be able to articulate and execute the vision. This demands that we bring to bear all of the training and experience we have culminated in our development. A leadership theorist stated that leadership is not a set of traits, but a pattern of motivation. Leaders exhibit a high need for power, low need for affiliation, and a high level of activity inhibition (self control). I would alter these qualities to say that true leaders have a high need for positive change and empowerment, do not need a lot of external validation, and they must exhibit the mental and spiritual discipline of self-control.
How do we make leadership last?
There are two schools of effective leadership: transactional and transformational. Transactional evaluates the leader’s effectiveness in attaining a goal or an objective. Transformational leadership seeks to better the people, organization and society at large. Both have their place. But I am of the belief that first, we must transform the hearts and minds of those around us, and then the transactional side will take care of itself. How do we transform the hearts and minds of those around us? By living lives of integrity, conviction, sacrifice, passion and love. If we do not love those whom we seek to influence, we are not “Good Shepherds,” but robbers and thieves. By letting our light shine upon others, people will be drawn to us and our mission.
The world and the people are waiting for you to take your rightful place.
You cannot lead the people, if you do not love the people.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: What is your idea of a leader and why?
If you think back to your father or other male figures in your life growing up, do you remember at some point, one or more of them trying to school you on how to engage the opposite sex? Now hold that thought and compare that to how many times a Black man has taught you how to be a good friend to other brothers? My point exactly…
The fact is many of us did not grow up with positive examples of Black male friendships. For example, think about those of us fortunate enough to know and have relationships with our fathers. Can you name two of your Dad’s closest friends? Have you ever been with or seen your Dad hang out with other men? What about over-hearing your Dad talk to his friends on the phone? If my hunch is correct, many of us can not answer the aforementioned questions in the affirmative. And if you don’t know your father, then I can imagine how much harder it would be to get these examples from say, uncles, boyfriends, etc.
But what do we remember? Things like learning how to play a sport, working on the car, doing lawn maintenance, etc. And not that any of these things are wrong, I think they are important experiences that should be cherished. However, I wonder why male to male friendships are assumed to be something that just happens naturally.
I assume part of this thinking comes from the fact that growing up, we made friends with whoever was on the block and everything seems cool. To make it easier, most of our childhood friendships consisted of three components; playing games, telling jokes, and eating like cows. And for most of us, this formula hasn’t changed that much as we transitioned to manhood. The problem with this trajectory is that as life becomes increasingly complex and difficult; the qualities of our friendships don’t reflect the same nuance.
Therefore, my concern is the lack of examples of positive Black male friendships that would encourage us to take better care of our male friendships (our brothers by extension). Because unfortunately, after the games of our youth get old, the examples we have of pure, healthy, male friendships fade quickly, if they ever existed at all. And when I say take better care of our male friendships, I am primarily interested in whether or not you make each other better people. And if all you do is debate sports when you really need to be venting about how you are desperately trying to save your marriage, then there is a structural problem we have to deal with.
Are there any examples outside of family, church, etc. where we see examples of positive Black male friendships? I submit to you that to our detriment, the media has saturated us with unreal or perverted examples of positive Black male friendship. To be sure, I’ll ask my music connoisseurs when they have heard of a song by a Black man talking about positive male friendship (and tribute songs to the deceased do not count). That was easy, but what about movies/television shows? I honestly can’t think of one, but I reserve the right to be wrong and encourage you to correct me by posting comments and telling me how this example has helped you.
So coming back full circle, how is it that Black men learn what it means to have positive Black male friendships? Are there any people in your life that either taught you the art of friendship or do you remember any examples that were particularly helpful? If not, how did you learn friendship? Do you think friendship comes naturally? What examples do you wish you had growing up?
“If you’re not making moves, then you’re running in place or standing still”
We are officially entering the fourth quarter of the year. What does that mean? It means that for 90% of us, our New Year’s Resolutions are all but a faint memory. Have you accomplished all of your objectives? Did you tenaciously pursue your dreams? What exactly did you do for three quarters of the year?
The vast majority of us have settled into the comfort of routine-content to spend our time coasting. Personally, I realized that I had gotten comfortable. I had a routine down, and was settling into a quiet life, keeping to myself. I needed to create the urgency to get better and more focused than I was yesterday. I had to challenge myself to create a little discomfort and push to the next level.
What is it going to take?
A lot of us have stagnated in some area of our lives, and have hit that end of the year slump. In life, you spend a lot of time practicing, and very little time actually executing. However, if you are in a slump, it is going to take twice the energy, patience, and a lot of positivity. Therefore, it is necessary to get back to basics, simplify your thinking, you approach, your life. If you are a winner, when presented with a challenge, you tend to let go of extraneous things, and key in to the task at hand. You become determined, yet calm. Normally, when you are confident in your preparation and are secure in your abilities, you hit what is commonly referred to as the “zone”. Everyone has experienced it in some form or fashion, but it is possible to live there.
How do you achieve optimum performance? First, DO NOT break your discipline. You know what you are supposed to be doing and when, so stick to it. Discipline is simply training designed to achieve some outcome. It is totally process driven. But the best part of discipline is that it is easily transferable. If you are disciplined at exercising and your school work, take that same mindset and apply it to some other activity. When people would tell me “Oh you are naturally smart, that is why you received that grade.” I would respond that smart has nothing to do with it. Talent in the hands of a fool is nothing but potential. I was just more disciplined and my grade is a reflection of that. Some people are naturally gifted, but that should inspire you to achieve your personal best and learn from them. It is universal law. You will reap what you sow.
Second, be diligent. Diligence, as I have stated before is discipline over a long period of time. It is a dedication to doing something right, over and over again. Michael Jordan is quoted as saying “Perfect practice makes perfect. If you shoot 1000 jumpers a day the wrong way, then you have perfected shooting an improper jumper.” Diligence and discipline yield excellence. In Proverbs, it says, “He who is slack in his work is companion to he who is a destroyer.” Therefore, do not tolerate slackness in any area of your life, because the corners you cut today, will definitely come back on you.
Third, be devoted. Bring your entire self into the enterprise. Devotion is about the attitude you have towards something. Discipline and diligence can be imposed from the outside, but devotion comes within. It is the hunger, passion, and obsession all rolled into one. But it is the comfort of knowing that, while you might not be there today, you will get there, so it is all worth it.
Fourth, take the best from everyone. While some people are naturally gifted, I do not believe that anything is outside of possibility once the decision is made to possess it. Therefore, I hang around individuals who are skillful in the area I want to perfect. What is going on in their mind? How do they approach the task? How do they practice? I am always seeking the best in everyone so that I can smooth my rough edges.
Keep Your Hand to the Plow
A few weeks back, Brandon wrote about manifesting your light and it really struck a cord with me. Living this way is not easy, it takes constant vigilance. We are human, and the natural tendency is to get comfortable. But is that being true to yourself? This has been a hard challenge for me, and I do not profess to have these four things mastered, but I know what must be done.
The older I get, the more I realize that time is our most precious commodity. Everything in life can be recouped, except for time. Yet, we waste so much of it everyday. Then, we wonder why we have accomplished on half of what we aimed. When you are short on time, and you have to cover a lot of ground, it is going to take planning, preparation and discipline. It is definitely going to cost you something. But once you catch a glimpse of who you are and the light that is inside of you, you cannot help but work to manifest that each and everyday.
I pose the same challenge to you. Blow the dust off of your New Year’s Resolutions, pick up the project you have been putting off, get organized, clean up your diet, PICK UP YOUR DREAMS. It is not too late. You have three months to make it honest.
Play through the slump.
Let Your light shine before men, so that they may glorify God.
It takes work and time to shine.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week: Where do slumps come from and how do we overcome them?
It has been a long time coming, and now it’s finally happened. Steven M Devougas, of Weekly Dream fame, is now officially a SuperSpade contributor. He has been contributing to the site since December, and he quickly became the favorite author of many SuperSpade readers.
Brandon and I are happy to welcome him to the squad and are excited about how he will help us, and you, bring about positive change in this world.
Whatever you have spoken in the darkness shall be heard and listened to in the light, and what you have whispered in [people's] ears and behind closed doors will be proclaimed upon the housetops.
-Luke 12:3
This semester, I am taking a class called “The Law of Privacy.” It is an interesting class dealing with how far should the government and intrude into the lives and rights of individuals. I was surprised to learn that there are two types of privacy: Informational and decisional privacy. Informational deals with information about you released to the public (e.g. credit bureaus). Decisional privacy deals with those hot button issues like abortion, sexual orientation, etc. As one could imagine, technology plays a central role in privacy law. With the advent of the internet, Blogs, Profile sites, Smartphones, GPS, reality television and the like, it seems that you have to go to the moon to get some privacy.
In this Information Age, we are constantly bombarded with information. And it is a constant race to stay current. However, a large part of this is sifting through the ruff to get to the diamonds. When I turn on my computer, I come across numerous things I do not care about, mainly gossip. I do not care who is dating whom, who is cheating on whom, He said/She said. I have enough problems. However, the gossip and reality shows are a thriving industry. What is the preoccupation with sensationalism? Is it because the lives of these people are boring or are they trying to escape a dry, crusty reality? However, this will not help the situation. The result is that people know a lot of things that do not matter, instead of what they need to know. In addition to the voyeurism forced down our throats by the media, the government, under the auspices of National Security, has made it easy for any one to find out anything about you (read: wiretaps, credit reports, identity theft). Indeed, privacy is a scarce and undervalued commodity.
Why is Privacy Important?
Privacy, by definition, necessitates selective exclusion. In this exclusion, relationships are fostered and intimacy develops because there is a comfort and a safe place. Social theorists have claimed that there is a correlation between privacy and individuality. More privacy fosters more individuality and diversity. Less breeds a bland mainstream. Why? Because in the absence of privacy, there is the threat of disapproval, ostracism and rejection if you do not uphold “acceptable behaviors and values”.
In a family, when the sphere of privacy shrinks to the point where parents and children can no longer occupy the same space, then the children leave home-often to make decisions and mistakes without the criticism and stricture of the family. This can cause tension, but this is when parents should learn to “let go”, respect the privacy of their grown children and trust they will make good decisions.
The greatest thinkers and religious figures treasured being alone with their thoughts and their intimates. Henry David Thoreau wrote “Civil Disobedience” in seclusion. Jesus would often leave the multitudes and His disciples to pray and gain insight. Moses would went up the mountain and came back with the Ten Commandments. The Israelites, alone in the wilderness emerged as a cohesive nation. Privacy in the form of the retreat is at its essence spiritual. When you are alone, you can reflect and truly define yourself. In the presence of others, you can contrast what you are not.
To me, privacy means the absence of distraction. It is placing a restriction on how much outsiders have access to. When there are no distractions, then there is intense focus. In Kung-fu movies, the hero always goes into seclusion to train and then he faces his foe. Why? Because he must conquer himself before he can achieve his mission. Privacy is not an end unto itself, but it is to recharge so that we can come back and function at a higher level. Privacy is essential to the realization of potential.
These days, people willingly surrender their privacy. A constant debate I have is whether websites like the Facebook or MySpace is an invasion of privacy. I feel it is, but others say that it is a consensual invasion. And true, these sites are consensual, but perhaps these individuals do not know any better. Perhaps people do not examine the ramifications of providing an internet all-access pass. Especially since employers have begun to background check these sites to monitor potential hires and employees.
Privacy can be imposed on individuals. For example, we cannot appear in public nude. So where do we draw the line?
Is Anything Sacred?
In this age of “All-access”, nothing is sacred and it is hurting our relationships. Privacy is the highest respect one can be paid in society. It fosters the self and imagination. As Garlin, Dumi and Brandon have artfully expressed, technology is a tool and should be used to amplify good, not stupidity ( i.e. Vh1’s Flavor of Love). It is hard enough to find truth in the world, and the presence of noisome voices do not make it any easier. Let’s set boundaries as to how far we will let people, technology, and the government encroach upon our lives.
In the Bible, it says seek first the Kingdom of God. And the Kingdom of God is within each of us. However, how can we find the Kingdom on the inside with all the noise on the outside?
Make time to reflect, to build intimacy with the Creator and loved ones, with no distractions.
Respect the privacy of others.
Hold fast to the truth, and let go of the ruff.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week: What are the ramifications of decreased privacy?
Thank you Dumi for gracing our site with your presence. It’s always tight when the smartest person you know shows support. This started out as a comment, but grew to it’s own post for a couple of reasons: 1) it got kind of lengthy, and 2) I have been MIA for a while due to some other things going on and felt this would be a good topic to get back into the mix with. Big ups to Brandon & Steve for holding down The SuperSpade during my absence.
I think the Cyber Leashes piece is an interesting one for a number of reasons, but it mainly boils down to an issue of two main things: what are our motivations for doing anything that we do, and how/why do we use technology.
Anyone that has ever seen me knows I’m a nerd. I’m definitely the guy Dumi was talking about who cares a lot about gadgets and technology: about how they work, when they’re released, why one’s better than the other, all of that. Why do I care about these things? Maybe because I’m genuinely passionate about such things. Maybe because it makes me feel good and intelligent and current. Maybe because I’m good at it. Dumi’s post asks us what our motivations in having “information all the time at the fingertips” is. I believe that this is a question we need to ask ourselves about everything that we do and think about, including and beyond technology.
Let’s go further. What’s the difference between obsessing over a set of rims and a chocolate phone? Not a whole lot (well, perhaps I’d be perpetuating more negatives stereotypes with the former than the latter, but I digress). Neither will put you one step closer to “things that will improve your life” or “liberate our people.” So why do we think about these things? Because they make us feel good and we think they make us better. This consumer insecurity, the idea that we need to buy/have things to validate ourselves, pervades pretty much all parts of society and is especially damaging in poorer communities where being a consumer has similar absolute but much higher relative costs. The problem with having our vision tainted by this consumer insecurity is that it has damaged priorities that our people, that all people, used to have and hold dear: the idea of common identity, of shared vision, of collective action. What we lost was the notion that feeling good was a concept that went beyond the individual. What we lost was the notion that taking care of one another is important and should be a priority over selfish indulgence (Before I get jumped on, I’m well-aware of the “secure your own mask before assisting others” philosophy, however, I think most people use that to justify their own self-centeredness by omitting the “assisting others” part). Dumi’s questions should cause us not only to think about how we consume technology and if it serves a greater purpose, but also about how we consume any/everything else and if it serves a greater purpose. Let’s get back to the basics, back to what’s important. Let’s make what’s important to the individual beneficial to the collective, and vice versa.
I do not want to confuse people by any means into having them think that technology is neither useful nor important. In fact, the exact opposite is true. In my view, the issue is not the technology itself, but how we approach and use it. In general, technologically under-exposed individuals will see technology as a toy, a game, a form of entertainment. This is because it makes it less intimidating to think about it in terms of fun and only fun. The issue is that too many of our people never graduate out of that mindset and way of viewing technology to a more mature vantage point: one that sees technology as a tool, as an enabler, as a method of getting goals accomplished. This is what Dumi is calling for and what I wish to re-iterate here. The reason I started The SuperSpade with Brandon was to show our people how technology could be used for what I feel are more substantive things. I envision a day when people go online for more than celebrity gossip and sports scores. I envision a world where people do more online than watch videos of people lip-syncing pop music and make sorry-a$s MySpace pages. I envision a world where we use technology to reach each other to talk about how & where we can organize a meeting to work towards liberation. I envision a reality where we use the internet for what it was intended: a network to connect people and share information. This site will soon become a place where people can share ideas that will better society, where they can trade tips on how best to start mentorship programs in places across the world, where people can come give and receive social, political, and economic empowerment.
I want all of us to begin to see technology for what it can be and not what so many people think it is. In college, I often wondered how people communicated without email or cell phones. I wondered how peopled scheduled study sessions and “study” sessions without text messaging. After thinking about it, I determined that people simply found ways to do what they needed to do. Well, I submit to you that since it is now so much easier to communicate and easier to stay in touch, that we take that ease of use and use it for big things, not BS. Technology is aimed at simplifying things, not complicating them. At making things easier, not more difficult. How successful it is at making thing simple or easy is debatable, but I see it as something we can use it to achieve our big goals freedom & liberation, of unity & peace, and of a community with a shared vision. Do you see what I see?
“The essence of strategy is not to carry out a brilliant plan that proceeds in steps; it is to put yourself in situations where you have more options than the enemy.”
-Strategy 6, 33 Strategies of War, by Robert Greene
I have always been known as a planner. Growing up, my parents always stressed “have a Plan B, because the only surething is death and Jesus.” I was one of those people who had to have all of the information, formulate contigency plans and a main plan. Because I always hedged my bets (“hoped for the best, but planned for the worse”), I was able to maintain cool and calm in the face of unforeseen circumstances. I only ran into trouble when I had no options and no room to maneuver. I hated the boxed in/caged animal feeling that comes from facing “checkmate” in a particular situation. I also realized that I hate dealing with individuals who had no skills in planning and execution. How does on develop the skill of flexibility in planning and execution?
Potential Force
Lately, I have been obsessed with all things dealing with strategy. This summer, a good friend of mine and I rediscovered the classic game of chess. Every Tuesday, we would meet and play a game, while discussing the business of the week. The first time we sat down, he beat me in three moves. Now as embarassing as this is to admit, I learned an important strategic lesson. Whereas my strategy was to decimate him piece by piece, he focused more on controlling certains squares on the board to limit my options. He had his “strikers” in places where I could not even think of moving.
The Chessboard of Life
Few people realize that life is, at some points, a chess game. We are all implicitly strategists. When the use of force is not an option, then strategy is the fallback. From the child who tries to convince his parents to get him that new toy, to the teenager who wants a new car or curfew, to the adult who wants a promotion, we all have plans of attack for attaining access to scarce resources. It is human nature. It is not evil unless your objective is evil. Hard work is only part of the battle. Mailmen, teachers, waitresses and immigrants all work hard, and often work harder than the majority of people in society. To truly attain our dreams, it is imperative that we work harder and smarter.
There are some basic tenets to being a strategic thinker. The first thing is to know what your objective is and your timeline. Nothing has meaning outside of time. Second, take inventory of your resources. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your constraints? Third, who and what are your enemies? Fourth, how can you use what you have in your possessions to surmount the enemies/obstacles you face? Fifth, take wise counsel. As a man who believes in God, prayer is extremely important to me in my strategic process, because if my plan is not in line with God’s, there is no way it is going to work. A lot of people consult God last, if they consult Him at all, but they ignore a tremendous resource. I also, have my “roundtable” discussions with my committee to cover all of my bases.
Accuracy of information is paramount. Also, It is essential to have more than one approach. Begin to think of various situations and variables that could occur and build that flexibility into your plan and time line. When you do this, you will maintain the presence of mind necessary to focus and execute in the face of opposition.
A favorite and essential technique is what author Harvey McKay calls “digging your well before you are thirsty.” If you ultimately know the process necessary to meet your objective, you lay the groundwork and accumulate the tools before the need arises. You take the initiative before instead of constantly reacting to situations. For example, when looking for a job, there are people who blindly mass mail resumes to employers and pray for a response. The more strategic approach would be to keep your options open and make contacts with people at other companies that may be able to get your resume in front of the right people.
Be Water, Be Wind
Strategic thinking, planning and execution is the highest level of human reasoning because it requires you to act instead of react. We analyze everything else, but seldom do individuals implicitly analyze situations in their daily life. Thinking this way requires a great deal of discipline, diligence and patience-three things most people are extremely short on. However, the rewards are astronomical. Take the military approach. In the military, before the troops take the field, they send out reconnaissance teams to get the lay of the land. From these scouts findings, the commanding officers develop their strategy. After the mission, the officers analyze what happened and debrief. Taking this approach is a great introduction to approaching life. Do your homework, collect the data, analyze, execute and debrief.
But beware of the danger of falling in love with your strategy. Strategy and tactics must adapt as situations unfold. The whole idea is to develop your personal chessboard so that you control the key portions of the board and have any number of options.
I know I have only really glossed over this topic, but you get the idea. Look at your life and objectives with more of a critical eye, and be willing to be strategic about your life. People without options are powerless. Anyway, have fun, before you lies the oportunity to match wits against life, and with the right mindset, you can win.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: Is the life you live a result of a plan or the result of happenstance?
My Umi says…
Shine your light on the world
Shine your light for the world to see. –Mos Def, “My Umi Says”
Most connoisseurs of real hip-hop will recognize that song and for those that are unfamiliar with it, it is on the Black on Both sides album and it is required listening. I just rented Dave Chappelle’s Block Party DVD and though I enjoy every artist on that DVD, Mos Def’s performance really hit a nerve on several levels that I want to share with you.
Unlike on the album, Mos Def says during his performance, “Sometimes, I just want to be Dante, but my Umi says…” When he said that, I was reminded of all the times I have said and heard other people say, “I’m just trying to do me.” Often times, we say this in order to explain and/or justify to people that we need to indulge ourselves. Of course, there is nothing wrong with recharging our batteries, but what would happen if every time we said, “I’m just trying to do me,” we said, “I’m just trying to do God’s will.”
But let’s keep it real, shall we? “You doing you,” doesn’t really become a big deal until you get tired. Tired of work, tired of life, tired of giving, whatever it is, a constant state of being tired might be indicative of a larger problem. When we are tired, our fleshly impulses rise to the surface unless we look to the hills from which cometh our help. In Isaiah 40:29 the Bible says, “He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.”
So when we are tired, why would we try to give ourselves a tune up when the Creator knows every hair that is on your head? In other words, you can’t do you if you don’t know you. And God knows us through and through, so it would make sense we would go to him when we are weary in well doing.
So let’s just realize that when we say, “I’m just trying to do me,” it is really our flesh talking. But even when you say flesh, some people automatically think of these larger than life vices, but what about the middle? I define the middle as all the things you do on a regular basis that you don’t consider bad but doesn’t necessarily glorify God. This is the real battleground. For example I myself like jazz music and I am listening to it right now. So when I say, “I need to do me,” it will more often than not involve jazz music. But when it is time for me to get in the Word or pray, the jazz has to go because before I know it, jazz music could become an idol in my life that prevents me from entering into the Holy of Holies. Replace my jazz example with knitting or lifting weights because whatever it is, I am convinced that we have been fooled into thinking better of ourselves on account of letting all of these seemingly harmless activities become the center of our lives without our even knowing or admitting so. Therefore, I encourage all of us to really pay attention to what we say and how we may inadvertently lull ourselves to complacency.
My Abi says shine your light on the world
Shine your light for the world to see.
I have been thinking about what it means to make your light shine. So I guess a good place to start to would be to examine what is meant by light. My first inkling is to correlate God with light but I would need to find evidence for this in the Word. And what do you know? In I John 1:5 the Bible says, “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.” And in 2 Corinthians 4:4, the Bible states, “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.”
The other part of the equation involves how we actually shine our light. For the longest time, when I would hear of shining your light on the world, I would think of Psalty and the Singing Songbook (do you remember Psalty?) and other figures that permeated my Sunday School/Children’s Church experience. But as I got older, the only place I felt comfortable enough to let my light shine was in church and after getting complacent in the things of God, it started to dim there as well. So here I am walking around thinking I am letting my light shine by doing “good” things and being nice to people when I was missing the big picture.
In fact, it is only when I allow God unfettered access to different departments of my life, that I am able to let me light shine. And when that happens, people notice the God in you and will want to know how you maintain a glow that radiates love, compassion, and a desire to be significant and not successful.
And where do we get tripped up? I think we limit our ability to witness when we are at work or any situation where God comes up in conversation and the most common question is, “So you do you consider yourself religious or spiritual?” And of course, 9 out 10 people will say they are spiritual, and then it is on to the next topic. But what would happen, if you didn’t minimize your faith into being spiritual when just yesterday you were lifting Holy hands, asking God to help you be a witness to your co-workers? What would happen if you asked someone what they meant by being spiritual? What would happen if you shared with others how God changed your life once you made the decision to live a righteous life?
I am scared of the possibilities because just like we wait on friendships, we also wait on the opportune time to witness or otherwise share our faith. Stop waiting! Now am I saying that you should go to work in your Sunday suit and a Bible in your hand? No, but what I am saying is that you don’t have to share your whole doctrine of Christianity in one setting. Work it in conversation and don’t be timid. In the word it says, “But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.” (Matthew 10:33) Mull on that a little bit.
“I want black people to be free, to be free, to be free
All my people to be free, to be free, to be free”
Lastly, I want to touch on the part of the song where Mos Def repeatedly declares he wants his people to be free. Free from what? And what does freedom mean, really? If you do have freedom, are there different levels of it or is like an a la carte’ menu, able to mixed and matched accordingly? Thankfully, Garlin took on the mighty task of tackling the sticky issue of whether or not freedom is truly indivisible. And I agree with him that it is indeed divisible. But when we say, “I want my people to be free,” this now brings into the debate the following question: what is an acceptable level of freedom? In other words, what is the tipping point at which I transition from not free to free or from not having freedom to having freedom?
I think too often times we as Black folk get too caught up in trying to define the goals and vision for the race, especially as it relates to freedom. My suggestion is that whatever you think Black people need to be freed from, make efforts to break that obstacle, get educated on that obstacle, pray for its demise, and make this effort tangible and personal. I know I was kind of all over the place with this post, but I hope you stayed with me and will make your voice heard.
Steve is travelling and interviewing, so as a result there is no new Weekly Dream for this week. We appreciate the thoughts and support of The Weekly Dream and of the SuperSpade, and ask that you’d take this time to review all of Steve’s words of wisdom imparted to all of us through his weekly enlightenments. They will return next week.
What’s up Superspade family, this post represents Part II of my series concerning Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships. Today we are going to address the paranoia that concerns Black male friendships and the suspicion of homosexuality. It is time to talk about the elephant in the room.
This post is specifically dedicated to my nephew, whose relentless curiosity and dedication to living a Godly lifestyle never ceases to amaze me. Keep the faith little homie,
Love, Uncle Brandon.
To kick off our discussion, I turn to Lady B, whose comment on the first post sets the stage perfectly,
“If you want to see something dear just watch little boys playing and sharing together in kindergarten and first grade – then something happens and they are taught that they are not suppose to be close or love other boys unless they are gay this is not right.”
Young kids, Black boys in particular, are being robbed of their innocence earlier and earlier. For example, when I grew up in Detroit, my best friends became my “play” cousins. For those of you that have never heard of this term, a “play” cousin is someone who is a close friend so much that you can depend on them like you would a member of your family. In the Black community, a play cousin carries with it a measurable amount of significance. Now can you remember the last time you heard Black men or Black folks for that matter, talk about play cousins or some similar moniker? I certainly can’t remember and I think similar traditions that Black men used to engage in represent a downward shift in the innocence that used to define healthy Black male friendships.
Now fast forward to current debate about brothers on the down low. Thanks to JL King, brothers all over the country are having their sexuality questioned overtly or implicitly. To be clear, I believe that the health and emotional fall out from brothers being on the down low is indeed a legitimate problem in the Black community. However, maybe we should rethink our efforts to encourage brothers to be honest about their sexual activities. I say this because I think we have made it so that many heterosexual Black men, in attempts to avoid suspicion, have withdrawn from their Black male friendships and overcompensated in their female relationships.
So now we find ourselves with Black men with a jaded sense of innocence combined with a barrage of suspicions surrounding their sexuality. These two factors I believe work together to destroy sound friendships between Black men.
Some of the effects of the down-low paranoia have caused Black men to engage in the following behavior to various degrees;
1) We for the most part feel comfortable hanging out with the guys, but a certain stigma surrounds hanging out with just one of our friends.
2) Our sexuality has become more of a central part of what we define as masculinity. As a result, some men to overcompensate their love and appreciation of women almost to the extent of becoming womanizers in order to prove they are not homosexuals.
3) There is a more marked shift between having boys and having friends. Focusing more on having boys enables men to do guy things while keeping enough emotional distance from each other to maintain deniability.
4) We have come to rely on our female friends to be our male friend fill-ins.
5) We don’t use each other as sounding boards before the jinks goes down. This is because we rarely ever tell our male friends anything of substance unless our plans or mistakes have been obliterated.
6) Unless we have something specific to talk about, we don’t call just to touch base and see what is going on in each other’s life for fear of looking like we are keeping too many tabs on our male friends.
7) We don’t feel comfortable sharing emotions with our male friends because if we even do that to begin with, we typically focus these conversations towards our female friends. We rarely tell our male friends that we appreciate them being there for us when they helped us through that tough situation. Or God forbid, we wouldn’t be caught dead telling our male friends that we love them (look up agape and phileo in the Greek language).
Of course, this list could go on and on, but I want you to add to this list based on your own observations and/or experiences. Nevertheless, I don’t think anyone could reasonably argue that the down low paranoia has not affected the quality of Black male friendships. As such, it behooves us to continue to address brothers leading double sexual lives (this includes cheating with other women too!) but at the same time, we have to create and protect spaces for Black men to share in meaningful dialogues. But when we cast a shadow of doubt over Black male friendships, we end up endangering these spaces and create more problems than we solve.
So let me leave you with these questions,
For the men, have you allowed other people’s suspicions affect the way you interact with other men in the light of the community concern about brothers on the down low?
How do you think the down low paranoia has affected the quality of Black male friendships?
How can we address this issue without endangering healthy Black male friendships?
Looking forward to your responses as we call out the elephant in the room,
“WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!”
-We Wear The Mask, Paul Lawrence Dunbar
“A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways…”
-James 1
As children, there is tremendous pressure to mute our uniqueness and to blend in seamless. Early on we learn that to be different or to not fit in is a bad thing. Growing up, if you did not have the new Jordans, a Starter jacket and Guess jeans, you were considered a nerd. You would think we would grow out of this habit, but peer pressure and people pleasing are at an all-time high.
In the adult world, if you did not go to the right schools, participate in the right organizations or “network” with the right people, it could have a tremendous impact, in dollars and cents, on your life. Look at television, music and videos-they are so obsessed with keeping up with fads and trends, that it is hard for anything of substance to break through.
More disturbingly, if you look at society’s current preoccupation with Hip-hop, you see numerous individuals professing to be “thugs,” and gangsters and numerous women professing they want to be with thugs. This often puts great pressure on young men, who base so much of their self-image on the acceptance of their peers and the opposite sex. However, I have yet to see anyone define what a thug is. This preoccupation cuts across racial and social economic lines. So you have young people, my generation and younger, aspiring to be something that has not been satisfactorily defined. What is the result? Increased ignorance and a greater prison population. But I will address society’s preoccupation with the “Thug Life” in a latter article.
Be Yourself
This is a dramatic example of how rampant People pleasing (living and basing actions on the approval of third parties who probably do not matter) is and how detrimental it can be. It is so insidious because it is rooted in the very human need for love, acceptance and respect. However, without a sure foundation, it can be perverted into indecisiveness and instability. The real result is a severe identity crisis.
Look at politicians. The worse ones live and die by the approval rating. I think back to the story of Samuel and Saul. God told Samuel to tell Saul to go and wage war on another nation and destroy everything. Saul went to battle, but because he was afraid of the people, he took the spoils of war. At that point, God rejected Saul as King of Israel because he feared the people more than he feared God.
It takes strength and courage to be the individual you were created to be, when all our lives we are pushed to downplay our uniqueness, whether it be in the workplace, at school or in the dating/social arena. We are not going to find acceptance and love everywhere we go. Everyone is not going to like us, although we would like them to. In my opinion, it is far more important to have the respect of others than to have their approval.
Taking Respect
Approval is such a conditional, artificial and fickle thing. As soon as you move out of your little box, your name is dirt. But you would be surprised by the number of people who fight to stay trapped into that little box and die in it, out of fear of losing that approval and validation. This is often the case with superstars. They use the approval of the crowd to fill some void in their lives. They need the admiration, but when their time in the sun is over, a number of them fade into obscurity, turn to drugs, alcohol or other destructive behavior. Why? Because the void still remains.
People pleasing will only take you so far and the cost is a precious one. It often calls for the compromise of your principles, morals and values. Also the subordination of your opinions and personality. After all, you do not even know who the real you is anymore. You become the mask.
It is far better to be true to yourself. And stick to what you know is right. You will not win every popularity contest, but you will have piece of mind. As Jesus said, “What does it profit a man, if he gains the whole world and loses his soul.”
As I have said, I seek the approval of very few-the people whom my actions affect most directly and whom I know have my best interest at heart. Third parties do not really carry much weight with me. While it is seductive to be cool, and to fit in, I know it can only last so long. We were made to be individuals, not carbon copies. This is the first step to true leadership and the path to greatness.
Love yourself. Trust yourself. Take off the mask.
Do You.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: In what situation have you worn the Mask?
“The better part of valor is discretion”
-Falstaff, Henry IV, Part I
“Sometimes, when you win, you really lose. And when you lose, you really win. And othertimes you tie.”
-Rosie Perez in White Men Can’t Jump
In college, my friend Nicole had the reputation as a relationship guru. If anyone had a problem with their significant other, she would be the one everyone ended up pouring their hearts out to. Besides being a good listener, Nicole gave great advice. One of her pieces of sagely wisdom was “Pick Your Battles”. She said it often enough where it became eternally etched in my social memory. While this is an excellent piece of well-worn advice, the question becomes: How does one know when to engage in battle? How do you properly access cost/benefit?
In our society, direct confrontation and conflict is frowned upon. Manners, etiquette and other social protocol obstruct what is most important. We become worried with how we will be perceived, than speaking our mind and telling the truth. The result is a society teeming with passive aggressive behavior. The workplace is a perfect example. Everyone has that co-worker they cannot stand. They might be lazy, moody or just plain irritating. And you want so bad to tell them about themselves, but what happens most of the time? People hold it in. And it festers, until something snaps and people go to the extremes. Now that person has you looking look like the crazy person, the bad guy. If it had just been dealt with it when it came up, maybe it would have handled it better.
What it comes down to is that there is a right and a wrong way to handle things. Society ill-equips us to handle conflict or tension. We grow up believing that it is negative. They also do not teach us the difference between being assertive and aggressive. We often must learn the hard way, but the sad part of it all, is that there are people who never learn.
Conflict Adverse
It is essential that we learn to pick our battles. We cannot expect someone else to assert our rights and speak up for us. This requires an assessment of various factors: cost (time, resources), after effects (long-term and short-term), and objectives. We need to decide what addressing this conflict means to us. Is it really a big deal? Is it an annoyance or a serious issue? If it is an annoyance, try to deal with it on your own, and if that does not work, then find an effective means to communicate it. My rule of thumb for picking my battles is to assess where it affects me on my hierarchy of values. If it touches my principles, I cannot let it slide. You have to draw the line in the sand somewhere. Next, if I do let the issue slide, and it bothers me the next day, then I have to speak up also. Following this rule lets me know when something outside has disturbed something on the inside.
Once you decide to address the situation, you need to think about the approach. This is effected by the environment and the nature of opponent/object. Sometimes, getting emotional is not the best way to handle your frustration. Other times, showing a little heat is necessary. You have to know who and what you are dealing with and the constraints on every situation and what you want from all of this. A good example is relationships. Sometimes, your significant other is dead wrong about something, but you let them have their way anyway to keep the peace. Every potential battle is not worth fighting or commenting on. But if you do let it go, let it go for good.
Finally, you must prepare yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually. What if things do not go the way you plan? Can you deal with possibly being criticized, rejected or hurt in retaliation? And it comes down to what is it really worth.
Who begins a work and counteth not the cost.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Learn to deal with conflict effectively and constructively. Through struggle, life is made beautiful.
Superspade family, I am starting a 12-part series dealing with Loneliness, Black men, and Friendships. I think this issue is a silent crisis that is crippling Black men and our ability to forge meaningful relationships with each other while also seriously undermining our coping skills as life presents constant challenges. To be sure, I bounced around the ideas I had for this series with a handful of folks and based off the spirited exchanges, I knew God placed this issue on my heart for a reason.
And while this series will deal exclusively with Black men, it is applicable to a wide range of people. So I encourage men and women to add their thoughts as I am sure the issues discussed will broaden as deep and wide as the glaciers that span the polar ice caps. So to break the ice as it were, I thought I should kick things off with an introduction.
So imagine this, a young Black man in his late twenties to early thirties is preparing to get married. Everything is going fine; he and his fiancée are going through pre-marriage counseling and they joke about how silly it is to compare and contrast the prices for seat covers. So one night, the bride-to-be gives her fiancée the list she compiled for all the bridesmaids she wants to have in the wedding. She asks him what he thinks and her man looks over the list of five bridesmaids and says, (like Eddie Murphy in Raw) “OK.” The bride-to-be then informs her fiancée that he needs to find five groomsmen.
That scenario inspired this whole series because the fact is, most men do not have five best friends they can count on to be groomsmen in their wedding. I know most guys will recruit some family members to fill in the empty spots but for our purposes, let’s assume there will be no family fill-ins even though family can be your friends as well.
Do you have five close male friends you can call on? Really ponder that for a moment.
I surely don’t have five close male friends I could call on and I am sure many other Black men fit this same profile. And let’s not get caught up in semantics here, if you have three Black male friends, I am not saying you need to pick up two more. However, it is imperative that we take a bird’s eye view and understand what is happening to the quantity and quality of our Black male friendships as many of us suffer in silence, no matter the socioeconomic status.
Additionally, the machismo culture we live in has done a number on lessening the quality of Black male friendships as materialism and the quest for women has occupied far too much of our time and resources. You may ask why I keep harping on friendships between Black men, and here’s why. I believe that that when a man can share his hopes, heart, and fears with another man, that avenue empowers the entire community, period.
Moreover, I believe many Black men have learned to depend too much on female friendships to the point where we only feel comfortable sharing our emotions (if we even do that) with women. And as many of you can attest, the plethora of male-female friendships presents a whole range of issues that I will delve into later in the series. So regardless of your personal ratio of male friends to female friends, our community will prove to be so much stronger if we can better negotiate same gender friendships. This is particularly poignant when we can create spaces for Black men that facilitate friendships that are long-lasting, meaningful, and uplifting.
And so we are on the same page, I am coming to grips with my own issues concerning Black male friendships, so this series is less concerned with me coming up with answers rather than asking the right questions. My experiences and observations and conversations throughout my lifetime largely inform this series which means that if you disagree with I am trying to make, please make your presence felt. We all come from different walks from life so I will ask you the reader to help make this mosaic of understanding deeper levels of Black Thought as it concerns, Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships.
There will be new posts once a week, so watch out for the second part in this series as we explore how Black men can come to grips with the fact that we don’t have many friends without sounding sappy.
A couple of weeks ago I was listening to the Diane Rehm Show on NPR. Her guest was Joseph Epstein and he was discussing his most recent book, “Friendship: An Expose”. There was one part of the interview that was very interesting. Joseph described the difference between people who initiate the work needed to maintain friendships and those that. Keep reading to find out what description best describes you and other thoughts I have on the often misunderstood notion of friendship.
Joe described “initiators” as people who make a point to keep in touch with their friends. Whether it’s calling, email, or making plans to go out, these people don’t wait for their friends to get in touch with them. That sounds like you right?
Sure it does. But listen to how Joe describes waiters; these people may have many friends but they are often time in a state of anticipating being interrupted by a call or email. Rarely do waiters take the time/energy to interrupt their own lives to contact their friends. I would interpret waiters as people who get really excited when they see emails from other people with subjects like, “Where have you been?” or “Long time, no see.” However, when it comes to heartfelt emails like these, waiters click “open” and not “send.”
More specifically, Joe briefly discussed that many more people describe themselves as lonely and feel like there is no one they can talk to. He went on to point out that research shows that the majority of people who are married, only talk to their spouses about sensitive issues whereas past research shows men and women used to cite neighbors, church members, etc. as other people they confided in addition to their spouses. (I apologize for not citing the research but you can listen to this show by visiting this site.)
I think this sense of loneliness is one of the most underrated issues facing our society. And for people not involved in romantic relationships, I believe this sense of loneliness is compounded. Let me know how you feel about this sentiment.
Though Epstein didn’t touch on this issue directly, I don’t think we can talk about friendship without discussing how technology has enhanced or hindered the modern-day friendship. I think members of my generation generally lack the necessary tools/knowledge to maintain healthy friendships. On one hand, I think that cell phones, email, and social networks do a wonderful job of helping us keep in contact with people that we would otherwise probably never speak. However, the massive amounts of connections we make are frequently maintained by generic discussion points/questions that are easily transferable.
And for the people we call our friends, there is a tendency to use technology as a barrier for allowing people to really probe into our lives. We can see this all the time like when you have bad news or you don’t necessarily want to talk, you send an email. When you don’t want to continue having a probing conversation over the phone, we pretend we have to go or just not answer the phone. And argue?!? Rarely do you see healthy arguments anymore so everywhere you go, there is a permanent sense of fakeness due to the fact that too many of us are not honest enough to ask tough questions or say something as simple as, “I don’t like that you did X because of Y.”
There are numbers on your cell phone that you scroll through everyday knowing good and well you are never going to call them, that is unless, they are calling you. And if and when these people do call, we make fake promises to keep in touch or promise to talk at least once a month. But we don’t follow up.
But do we have to tolerate such high levels of charades? I don’t think so. However, I think all of us have some waiter and initiator qualities. Unfortunately, because the notion of sacrifice is virtually non-existent, it so much easier to blame our lack of friendship building on how busy we are. You are not that busy!
But if you think you are that busy, here are some tips to help maintain healthy friendships.
Call people after 9 and even if they don’t pick up, leave a message. Too many of us call people hoping they don’t answer the phone. So why are you calling them in the first place?
If your friends are local, finding time to see them will not put the biggest wrinkle in your schedule. Think about how much time we watch TV, surf the internet, and other mindless activities. Like I said, you are not that busy. However, I suggest finding a way to weave friends in your life. For example, my friend Dumi had plans to see Tavis Smiley’s Covenant Tour at Greater Grace Temple in Detroit. He dropped me a quick email asking me if I was going. I was thinking about going any, but because of his email, we are able to kill two birds with one stone. Now had he not called me, I probably would have seen him after it was over and we would have said hi and that would be it. But that is just one example of how seeing someone in person doesn’t require such extensive planning.
Use email to supplement conversations, not replace them.
Don’t waste time focusing on mind numbing questions like, “How is the job going?” “It’s cool.” Ask meaningful questions whose responses are not automatic or anticipated. Here’s a good rule for people you don’t talk to all the time, ask and answer a meaningful question. And if the other person can’t think of a question, answer your own.
Find ways to bless your friends. It takes less than you think. I have friends who I know might be fans of a certain team so if I see an article on espn.com, I’ll forward them that article. Or if you know someone who is preparing for something bigger and better (which appears to be most everybody) don’t just ask them how its going, but find out if there is someone you know that can help them or send them resources that will be helpful in their life path.
Pray for your friends. Not just when they ask you to but for as much as family is the default prayer request, try staying in your prayer closet a little while long to make sure that your friends are covered.
Like I said, I think all of us have waiter tendencies, I just hope this post encouraged you to be more of an initiator. I know I am guilty of not being a good friend on many fronts. So just know that I write for myself first. But after all is said and done, I hope this blog and this post will help us build stronger and healthier friendships.
“If you can dream and not make dreams your master. If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.”
-Rudyard Kipling’s If
This week, the Weekly Dream turns a year old. And man, what a difference a year makes. It began with me wanting to find a way to motivate myself, help others, and leave some sort of legacy for my family, and it has grown to be something much more. I do not know if or how my “rantings” have helped or affected you, but the Weekly Dream has served as the vehicle of documentation for my journey through this thing called life. And by allowing me to share that with you, I feel I have gained a deeper understanding, sensitivity and appreciation for everything I have experienced up to this point.
So I want to say thank you, to everyone who reads the Weekly Dream, who passes it along to friends, who comments and share their reactions to the pieces. Thanks to Garlin and Brandon who let me share their light on the Superspade.
We have come a long way, but there is still more road to travel. I hope that you would continue to read, share your thoughts and also share the articles with others. We have received repeated recognition from blackelectorate.com and there are other plans in the works to expand our audience. If there is a topic you would like to see discussed or if you have any suggestions, please let us know. We constantly seek to improve and set the standard for excellence.
We want everyone to have the courage and the tools to live their dreams. For dreams are the building blocks of the future, and the tools that can make us better individuals.
“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player/And then is heard no more. It is a tale told/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury/Signifying nothing.”
-MacBeth, Act V.v
Coming to grips with our mortality is mankind’s heaviest burden. The knowledge of knowing that we will die, but not knowing when is something people from all walks of life have had to confront. And historically, the responses range from cavalier to hopeless.
Lately, I have been pondering my own mortality and trying to imagine what the world would be like if I did not “show up” one day-leaving my loved ones and all of my work undone. As I feel myself getting older and noticing the changes in my body, an image of myself with a potbelly and a leisure suit pops into my mind.
What has brought on such thoughts? An increased sensitivity to mankind’s vulnerability. In the last few months, people around me have loss loved ones at an increased rate. People die everyday, but never has it been so close to me as it has been recently.
Cherish Every Moment
At the same time, I have encountered a number of individuals who are unhappy with the current status of their lives. They are depressed and defeated. These people break my heart, because they have lost their confidence and the hope of what life could be. They take for granted the precious ticking of the clock. I hear them saying things like “I am worth more dead than alive.” Or “I do not know why I bother to wake up in the morning.” They are dead men walking.
But life is too short to live ordinary lives. If anything, it is a race to reach our destiny before the clock runs out. We came into this world with nothing and we are going to leave with nothing, so we must maximize our time here and prepare for the hereafter (if you share this belief).
What are you doing with your life? Are you living up to your potential? A lot of people my age are experiencing the Quarter-life crisis. A lot of us are racked with debt, working low-paying jobs and we do not know what is the next step. And we are just getting this adulthood thing down. Some people find the courage to grow past this and others get stuck. The same happens in our middle age. Every milestone is marked by a decision.
In the midst of this, our faith and confidence is often lost in the shuffle.
How Can I Get My Mojo Back?
In my reflection, I had to understand that life is a gift to be cherished. Whether it is good or bad, it is all I know. I do not know what it is like to be dead and I do not want to find out any time soon. With this in mind, daily inconveniences mean nothing. The Good Book says in all things, give thanks. If I could not walk again, I am thankful for the days I was able to be mobile. If I went blind, I am thankful for the days I could see. There is no better way to overcome adversity than to be thankful for where you are, right now, at this very moment. Because that is where you are supposed to be.
Next, I had to forge a solid belief in myself. I used to hedge against the unthinkable. But once I realized that this stemmed from insecurity in dealing with the unknown, then I had to attack it. I reminded myself of where I had been and where I ultimately want to go. I told myself I have the tools to handle any situation I find myself in.
Then I had to take ownership for what was going on in my life right now. Because where I was, the good and the bad, was the result of decisions I made or opportunity I failed to act upon. So, it did not make any sense to be jealous of any one or to complain. It began with me and it must end with me. What did I have to lose?
Understanding these truths helped me regain the courage to live the life I want. So often we hear the truth, but it is another thing to let the truth take hold and shape your life. As you live according to truth, change cannot help but come.
Please Believe Me
One day, we will die. What will people say to you? What will God say about you? Those of you who have lost someone close to you, know that better than most. Loss, pain and disappointment are apart of living on this tiny orb. But it could be worse.
Besides that, nothing stays bad forever. Life is constantly in flux. The sun will rise again, joy and peace will return. But we must have faith to believe and receive it. The world is going crazy, but it was like this before we arrived here. All we can do is live our life to the fullest: work while we can, love while we can and be a blessing to as many people as possible before we leave this world for the next. We cannot lose our hope, because sometimes that is all we have to stand on. Take happiness where you can find it, and take time to enjoy what this life has to offer. In the words of Solomon, “Eat, drink and be merry.”
Life is not fair, but it is still good.
You only value something when you realize it can be lost.
It’s a great time to be alive, because it is our time.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week: What do you love the most about your life right now?
“We want everything and nothing. We want to stand in the spot light, but suffer from stage fright.”
I love music. Music is what I use to control my moods and also relax. I love music of all kinds, from R&B to Jazz to Classical. I have always loved music and I find it almost impossible to do anything without it. And as long as I can remember, I have wanted to learn how to play the piano. In grade school, my dream life was to own a pent-house and play all of my favorite songs on this magnificent grand piano. In college, I even went as far as purchasing a piano book and practicing in the dorms an hour a day.
Since then, I could never find the time or the money to really devote to this hobby. Enter car notes, dry cleaning bills, studying etc. and there seems not to be enough hours in the day. And unless I carve out some serious time and make a serious investment, I do not see anyway to make this dream come true.
This is not the only ambition I have. I also want to learn three languages before I die. I want to write the great American novel, a book of poetry and my autobiography (but first you have to live a life worth reading about). I want to be on the cover of FORTUNE. Sometimes, it feels like I am a conglomerate of random hopes, dreams, desires and wants. But so are most people to me.
I Want It!
I have alluded many times that there is a difference between wanting something and being ready for it. In an ideal world, our wants would keep base with our level of preparedness. For instance, people would not become rich until they were mentally and spiritually prepared to deal with the changes that wealth brings. People would not get married until they fully understood their responsibility in the marital relationship. But that is not how the world works.
In economics, a common and misguided assumption is that human behavior is rational. However, if you have ever encountered children, you know that is not the case. As human beings, we want what we want when we want it. Who cares if we are not prepared for what will be demanded of us in return? It takes a ton of maturity to step back and acknowledge our limitations. There are things that we must master (i.e. fundamentals) and lessons we must learn before we can have the satisfaction of attaining our wants.
In addition, the price you are willing to pay for your wants will determine the level of fulfillment you experience. For example, I was watching Vh1 and there was a story on a music group that took $1.7 million dollars and set it on fire. Money was so abundant and free flowing to them at the time that there was no fulfillment that could be had from buying another car, drugs, houses etc. But the more you have to give, the more you appreciate it. When things come easy, when there is no struggle and no sacrifice, it is only a matter of time when one want is gratified, another springs up in its place. And that is really annoying.
Stewardship 101
This is exactly the case when someone else is footing the bill. I am amazed at how whimsical people become with the resources of others. I have been out with people and when I was footing the bill, they were merciless. Or if I had made a sacrifice, they would act like it was nothing. There is no greater feeling of hurt and disappointment than when you go out of your way for someone and they treat it as nothing. Whatever happened to stewardship? Is it a lost art? Stewardship in a nutshell is to hold the resources of another in trust. It is the ultimate position of responsibility.
We are always accountable to someone, whether we acknowledge it or not, for everything we have control over. We are accountable for our time, money, relationships, and wants. When you are a steward, you move beyond the base level of slaving to fulfill wants and begin to think about what is the best use of resources in this particular situation. Stewardship enables one to prioritize what pursuits are worthwhile and what are frivolous. Therefore, we must train our appetites to want the right things and to pursue only those things that will yield the best outcome.
Free Your Mind
How do you classify and distinguish between your needs and wants? Stewardship begins with a mindset. And just as we train the body, we must train the mind by bombarding it with positive things and healthy desires until we want it bad enough to do something about it. As a freshman in college, my roommates would read the Robb Report as motivation to study and spend our time wisely. We saw the lifestyle we wanted and meditated on what it would take to get there, until we believed that it was possible. Accordingly, we spent our resources wisely and maximized our opportunity.
For me, I often picture having to answer to God, my ancestors, my unborn children, my family, and my future self as to the life I lead and the things I choose to pursue. Somehow, taking the long view helps me stay focused. As a result of my point of view, I lead a different life. I realize that I cannot do what everyone else does because I am different. I must prepare myself and my family for the life we will one day lead.
Find something or someone to hold yourself accountable to. Begin to view your life as an aggregation of resources to be deployed wisely. We only have so much time, energy, health, and money at our disposal. Instead of spending these resources, begin to INVEST them. Think about how your wants will affect those you love and care about. What are the implications for the future. Meditate on what is good and dig for the root of your desires. Think about the moment you finally get what you want, will you be fulfilled, how long will you be happy? What does this particular want represent?
As human beings, we are forgetful creatures and must constantly remind ourselves of these things. However, with practice, patience and discipline, we can be the stewards that we were meant to be.
If you really want it, prepare for it.
Luck is where opportunity and preparation meet.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: Where do your wants come from?
Lord, grant me serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
-Reinhold Niebuhr, Serenity Prayer
“My son , fear thou the Lord and the king: and meddle not with them that are given to change.”
-Prov. 24:21
Lately, I cannot shake the feeling that I am trapped in the 1970s. Oil prices are high, we are fighting an asinine war, inflation pressure is building and the government is ineffectual. Although we are living in a time of rapid change, it seems more like things are staying the same. You may be up one minute, down the next, and if you live long enough, you will be up again. The cyclical nature of life is truly amazing.
Life is uncertain, and it makes promises to no one. It is a series of changes: these changes give rise to choices, these choices lead to adjustments. Sometimes we initiate the changes, sometimes we react to them. Change can be good, and it can be bad. That things change is the only constant. As creatures of routine and habit, change is not always welcomed with open arms. How can we cope with change? Perhaps a better question is whether a change is real or just its impact?
Where Do You Get Your Joy?
Anthony Robbins, the internationally renowned motivational speaker, states in his book, Awaken the Giant Within, that human beings, on a basic level are motivated to change by two things, pleasure and pain. They will take action to avoid pain and to increase their pleasure. At the root of this is desire.
Desire is important as an impetus to change. If you want something bad enough, you will give and do anything for it. Some schools of thought believe that desire is an obstacle to self-realization and a peaceful life. However, I believe that insatiable desire for the wrong things and for the wrong reasons presents the real obstacle. To constantly strive to be a better husband/wife/brother/person is not a bad thing. However, to desire vain pursuits that do not profit or are fleeting is a problem.
Desiring the wrong things is akin to eating fast food everyday, although you will be hungry an hour later. It is pointless. People pursue material goods, public approval, power, etc. although it is fleeting. They run from high to high, and all the while taking themselves through a bunch of unnecessary changes. Instead of pursuing the giver, they pursue the gifts. Instead of being content with the good, all they can focus on is the bad. The discontentment experienced leads to distraction. It causes one to focus on the problem rather than the solutions.
We are all guilty of this. We all have pursued something or wanted something that we knew was not meant for us or good for us. No wonder some many people are unhappy and discontent. They are living on a basic, emotional level and as such, are tossed with the wind. These individuals forget that there is a world of difference between wanting something and being ready for it (that is another article in itself).
Where do you get your joy? Where do you get your pleasure and validation? Joy and contentment exist independent of external factors and circumstances. No matter what occurs outside, you can see the good and appreciate life in whatever form it presents itself. I will give you an example. There have been times when I did not have a dime to my name, but I did not panic. It did not affect my outlook. There have been times, although rare, where I have been flushed with cash. And it still did not matter. This is because I knew that my financial situation, though it could be better, did not make me a better man nor was it real. Like everything in life, it comes and it goes. Therefore, it would be foolish to predicate my self-worth or mental state on something that is constantly in flux.
People Pleasing
The same goes with people. I believe that being addicted to a person or to money is more dangerous than any drug. And a good number of people are trapped by what people think. People are constantly changing and in flux. One minute they love you the next minute they act like they do not know you. My Dad calls these people, “flakes.” As long as you make them feel good or do something for them, you are their best friend. But how many people really know you? How many people would love you if you could offer them nothing? How many of them UNDERSTAND and SUPPORT your dreams, goals and aspirations? It is extremely dangerous to base your life on this shaky foundation. Take heed: the life you lead may not be your own.
Scared Money Don’t Make Money
If you can build a solid foundation within and manage your internal changes, then the external changes are nothing. Actions that seem risky to others become nothing to you because of the character and fortitude you have cultivated within. But how do we get to this point?
I believe that first, you have to know what is real. Understand that change is often the top layer and the truth is more often underneath. We might change, but who we really are at the core does not. So take time to find that person and cultivate him/her. Also, stay grounded and face your fears head on.
Know that failure and success are simply moments in time and do not say anything about you as a person. However, how you interpret and react to failure and success speaks volumes about your character.
Pay attention. Be aware of the time, internally and externally. Know the seasons of life and various environments, so that you are positioned to benefit. Think about it: Some people make more money when the stock market is down than when it is up. This is because they react quickly to position themselves to exploit any occurrence.
Seek to possess a deep and active contentment, even in the midst of struggling. Change is a process of becoming. You acknowledge where you have come from, but you know you the best is yet to come. Sometimes, your best is not good enough, and some things you have to accept. And contentment will save you a world of regret.
Lastly, endure to the end. Good and bad things happen to everyone, but by keeping your head when everyone around is losing theirs proves your steadfastness and dependability. People respect those who can be depended on. And that devotion makes all the difference.
Know the seasons. Know who you are dealing with. Know thyself.
Be fluid as water, but hard as rock. That is the only way to deal with change.
Thank you for your input on the subject of this speech on Family and Impacting the Present. Now, as promised, here is a draft of my outline/talking points.
I. Intro
a. Why do we have reunions?
i. Reunions Magazine: Purposes of Reunions
1. 57% to keep in touch
2. 28% to teach kids about family heritage
3. Other reasons: Get together before an elder passes on, Mark special birthday, holiday, or other occasion
b. How do they start?
i. Innocent comments, like “We should celebrate more often.”
ii. Any other positive action starts the same way…
c. Acknowledgments & Thank You’s
d. The Point
i. Ephesians 4.4-6: There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
ii. Impact the present ‘one at a time.’ One person. One family. One vision. One dream. One thought. One purpose. One action.
II. Content
a. Helen Keller paraphrase: “To keep our faces toward change… is strength undefeatable.” (Thanks Raye!)
i. There exists at all times (especially the present) the opportunity to effect positive change in your own personal situation and in the lives of others…
1. Everybody can benefit somebody…
2. I can help people while being helped; don’t think you have to wait “until you’re ready…”
ii. As we focus on change, we can find strength in numbers. One can become many.
1. Since many of us have the same challenges, we can face them together (as a family or some other collective) as opposed to alone. We all can become stronger if we keep this in mind…
2. Basic Shared struggles
a. Personal examples
i. Finding my purpose
ii. Managing relationships
1. Familial
2. Friendships
3. Romantic interactions
iii.Managing time
1. Giving everyone the time they need/deserve
2. Getting ‘Me’ Time
3. Work-Life Balance
b. Ask the audience
3. More complex shared struggles
a. Money
i. Lack thereof
ii. Not knowing what to do with it
b. Jobs
i. Unemployment
ii. Underemployment
c. Politics
i. Not caring
ii. Not understanding on a personal, practical level
iii. I believe that in the midst of interested people with one vision that care for the well-being of all, solutions can be reached. Well, what’s a more interested party than the family!?!?!? (Thanks Anon!)
1. We can play the role of encouragers and mentors to family members and strangers alike…
2. We are blessed to be such a strong, close-knit family…
3. Let this family impact the present in a positive way and be an example of what one family united with one vision can do…
b. Old African proverb – “It takes a village to raise a child”
i. The family can and should be the beginning of that village
ii. Family is important in making sure that a child is prepared to live in the future…
1. Two types of family: Related by Blood vs. Related by Choice
a. Blood
i. What most think of when they say family
ii. The easy one to define…
b. Choice
i. “Friends are your chosen family.”
ii. Important to me as an only child…
2. Both are necessary for future generational success.
a. We can strengthen both at the same time…
i. Be a father and a mentor to someone who is not your son or daughter
ii. Be an auntie and a friend to the young man/woman you work with
b. We are valuable and dynamic people, who can do more than one thing at once and more than one thing well. One person can affect many people in a positive way.
3. What are we doing to prepare the Jackson family and our collective Black family for the future?
a. “Strengthening Black Families today in order to get them ready for tomorrow…”
c. When we fall we have to get back up – losing today does not guarantee losing tomorrow.
i. There has been a lot in the news lately about the terrible state of the Black family and the seemingly too-far-gone-to-salvage state of the Black man
ii. We have many examples in this family from the past and the present that buck this trend
1. (List of names omitted)…
iii.Those of us today have a responsibility to change the state of the Black man one mentee at a time. We have a responsibility as a family to change the state of the Black family one family at a time…
III.Conclusion
a. Problems typically look worse than they actually are. If we are committed to working together as one, we can overcome any and everything that we encounter.
i. 2 Timothy 1.7: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
ii. Let’s remember our shared experiences and our shared interests in the future. We can use these to build a solid foundation that the future, which will be talked about by the next speaker, can be as positive as possible.
b. This is bigger than the present. We need to use it to confront and conquer the problems of the past and lay foundation for the coming days. After all, today will be the past tomorrow. Every day, we can make tomorrow better, one day at a time, one action at a time, one person at a time.
Some pieces are more clearly fleshed out than others, but this is what we’ve got so far. I need help pretty much everywhere, but especially the conclusion.
I thank you all in advance for all of the criticism, suggestions, and encouragement you give me on these points.
“Iron sharpeneth iron; so does a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”
-Prov. 27:17
This month we have been celebrating family month. However, what is family? Is it the strict blood and legal status of individuals or is it something more? Why is it that there are people who you feel closer to than members in your own family. I think the underpinning of this is the complex web of human interaction. I have stated many times that all relationships are built on time and experience. There is a direct correlation to the quality of the relationship and these two factors. I like to call this quality the “fondness factor.” We are more fond of individuals with whom we spend our time and share our experiences. Why? Well, because human beings attach interpretation/perception to factual occurrences in the form of values, opinions, and emotions.
The other day, I was discussing how the younger generation do not know how to maintain relationships. How are we supposed to build functional families, friendships and marriages when a lot of times we have not seen one before? If we know what they look like, who is going to teach us the process that yields the final product? In our commodity-driven world, people get lost in the mix and are treated as replaceable, when in actuality, a functional relationship is blood, sweat, tears and a lot of forgiveness.
With that said, there is no bond that is more mysterious and complex than the one between siblings.
Stop Wearing My Shirt, Stay Out of My Stuff
I am the oldest of five children. However, anyone who knows my brothers that are closest to me in age know that we are three different people. This is something that always baffled me: We are three people, with the same parents, similar experiences and we came out completely different, yet there are enough similarities between us that you can tell we are related. I don’t understand it. I do know that all of us play a special role in our family structure, suited to our personality.
Our family always stressed the importance of maintaining our relationship, despite our differences. “Nothing comes between you and your brothers” is something that was often said in our house. It was really all for one and one for all. The DeVougas approach to ensuring this was to force substantial amounts of time with each other. For a long time, my every waking moment was spent with one of them. If one person went somewhere, we all had to go. If I was apart of something, my brothers were going to do it or come support it. We moved as a unit, despite our unique personalities. My family never had favorites, but ensured that no one thought he was smarter or better than the other.
As we became older and our differences became more pronounced, there was an adjustment period that we had to undergo, especially when I moved back to Wisconsin after college. My little brothers were no longer boys I could beat up for wearing my clothes and touching my things: they were men. We had to adapt to each other in those roles and accept each other as the men we were and were becoming. We had to understand boundaries and respect decisions. Without this understanding, there is no way we could have gone forward.
Brothers in the Struggle
Another layer of attachment comes with our friendships. During adolescence, it is normal for teens to feel closer to their peers than their family. Naturally, we gravitate to individuals who are going through the same phase of life we are going through. To this day, I feel a special fondness for my friends because I know that they are facing the same challenges, decisions and difficulties I am going through. They call me out when I am wrong and I appreciate that.
There are times when your blood relatives do not understand what you are dealing with, but others in the same predicament can. This does not mean that these individuals are more important than your blood. However, when you are going to war, you need good counsel and support.
The Grand Finale
This is why it is very important to be careful with whom we form these relationships and attachments to. Because as our fondness increases, so does the level of trust that is involved. I would trust my life with my brothers and those who I really consider my friends. They are people of character, integrity and honesty. These are people you can let your guard down with and share your hopes and dreams. So screen the people you form your attachments with. Watch how they treat their family and look at their morals and values (Hint: How people deal with money is a great litmus test as to who you are dealing with).
Our friends and siblings are a gift. Through our striving and interaction, we have helped form our personalities. I used to say to my brothers, “because I am who I am, you can be you and vice versa.” That is the closeness we share. Knowing that we are constantly changing and growing, it takes effort to maintain this balance.
If we want to experience a new dimension in our friendships and relationships in general, make an effort to become excellent at relationship management. We all our busy and life happens, but we make time for what is important. Personally, I try to call people and check on them while I am driving or waiting to let them know they were on my mind. And if some one calls me, I try to return their call within twenty four hours. This type of consistent relationship management cannot help but win you a lifetime of friendship and enduring relationships.
While it is true that people move in and out of our lives in seasons, we should make an effort to hold fast to those who we feel are important and want to stay in contact with. In the area of relationships, if you are not growing, you are dying. If you are not moving forward, you are moving backward. So, maintain relationships and hold fast to good friendships, they are hard to come by.
Ultimately, we are here to help each other and keep each other on this journey called life. I count my relationships with others as one of my most valuable assets. Therefore, I make it my business to maintain and reinforce the fondness within each and everyone of them. You cannot be your best without a little help.
Specialize in friendship.
To have friends, you must show yourself friendly.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week: How do you strengthen your relationships?
I have been asked to give a speech at my family reunion this July 4th holiday on the subject of “Impacting the Present.” My aunt had the great idea of posting my talking points here on the site and inviting your input, suggestions, criticism, additions, etc. on the material. So that is precisely what I will do. I have not completed an initial draft of my points yet. I will put something together this week/weekend, and I’ll put that up when it’s complete. In the meantime, I welcome any thoughts you have on the subject of “Impacting the Present” and how collective action can make a difference (the collective being a family or any other group). I am excited to heart your input.
We are going to record the talk as it’s given. If I don’t think that the speech is wack or corny, I’ll post the audio and/or transcript here on the site. I’m sure with your help, it will turn out great!
“For though ye have ten thousand instructors…yet ye have not many fathers”
-1 Corinthians 4:15
Every year, I am always stricken by the dramatic difference between how Mother’s Day is celebrated and how Father’s Day is treated in America . Mothers always get the best gifts: chocolates, perfumes, dinner. On the other hand, fathers receive ties or a card, if anything at all. In truth, fatherhood is one of the most thankless jobs I have ever known. It is right there next to teachers in my book. Fathers work all day and sacrifice, and often are treated as strangers in their homes.
Single parent households are overrepresented in our society, to the point where we essentially have created a fatherless society. Numerous studies have been done on the welfare state and its effect on the family. Not to mention that African-Americans and Hispanics make up the prison population. When you look at the divorce rate in America , few children are growing up with a consistent male figure in the home. The government does not create any incentive to remain involved in the family, as laws actually make it more difficult for fathers to assert their rights in the courts. And even though there are men out there who are taking care of their children and often someone else’s, it is the deadbeats who get all of the recognition.
In the process, we have lost sight of the role fathers’ play and even have convinced ourselves that we do not need them.
Father Knows Best
A father is the keeper of the home. He provides the discipline and instills order. He is also supposed to love, support and protect his household. For a son, he is the first example of manhood. For a daughter, he shows her how to interact with men and what to expect. A father imparts identity to his children. On a spiritual level, he should be an example of how God interacts and treats us as His children. If your relationship with God is lacking, you might look at your relationship with your natural father.
We need the spirit of the father. It is one of strength, correction, guidance, consistency and provision. Whether you have children or not, whether you are taking care of someone else’s children, as a man we can demonstrate this in our daily lives through mentorship. This means that a Father is active. It is more than a biological title. It is a connection and wisdom that comes from intimate involvement.
It is our responsibility to help transition the younger generation of boys to men. However, a lot of us were never really taught ourselves, so we first need to deal with our own issues regarding our fathers before we can go forward.
Children need their fathers.
An Open Letter
Growing up, my father worked extremely hard. I grew up watching how he handled situations and his habits. Now that I am a man, I catch myself doing the things I saw him do. Wherever I go, people would stop me and say “You’re Steve DeVougas’ son” or “That’s something your father would say.” And although my exposure to my father was limited growing up, I became more and more like him.
My father taught me how to survive and to be a man among men. He taught me how to walk (head straight and shoulders back), navigate corporate America and how to introduce myself to people. My father showed me how to educate myself and to tie a tie. When I had my first fight, he was the one that taught me how to box. He put a basketball in my hand. He taught me about having character and sacrificing for your family.
My father always expected excellence from his children and taught all of us that leaders do not have to be popular-it is all right to be different and stand out. A lot of my peers were not getting that message at home. And I knew that I was fortunate to know and have a relationship with my Dad.
Our relationship had its ups and downs, and a lot of times, I did not understand or agree with the decisions that he made, but now I am older and I can appreciate the position he was in. A young man’s relationship with his father is always a complicated and sensitive subject. One thing he always told me, “As a man, you don’t have to be perfect. All you have to do is make the best decision you can with the information you have.” I realize that my father did the best he could with what he had-for that I am thankful.
Closing Thoughts
A lot of us men do not have a relationship with our fathers, so when we have children, we are in foreign territory. One thing is for sure, your children should never have to grow up like that. If your father is around, you should reach out to him, regardless of what he may have done. He may have done things that were unforgivable, but learn from his mistakes, seek closure and forgiveness.
If you have a wonderful relationship with your father, thank him and honor him for the impact he has made on your life and the sacrifices he has made for you.
If you have not been the best father, it is never too late to handle your responsibilities.
Fathers, be patient with your children, they may be unable to appreciate you now, but one day, they will realize the difference you have made in their lives.
And please, get him something better than a card.
Thanks for everything Dad, you did better than you give yourself credit for. Happy Father’s Day and I love you. Real Talk.
God Bless all of the real fathers, it is too few of you.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: What is a father to you? What is your relationship like with your father?
“The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come thereafter.”
-Ecclesiastes 1:9, 11
June is family month. The summer, in general, is a time for family reunions, family vacations, and other activities to reconnect with the people we share last names, living quarters and blood. With all this familial love in the air, it has always been a fascination of mine about how strong genetics and certain character traits manifest themselves over time in individuals.
For instance, if you knew both of my parents, you would be able to pick out the mannerisms and physical characteristics I inherited from each of them. Family often serves not only to provide socialization, but also context to our personality and worldview.
Starting from this premise, I have been mildly obsessed with the origin of things. As an African-American, I cannot help but lament the piecemeal lineage I am apart of. But even more immediate, I am infinitely interested in my grandparents and the older generation’s view of the world and their experience.
The game don’t change, only the players
My grandparents are the backbone of my family. This is the case for many individuals. But what is of interest for me is how they were able to persevere through some of the worse times in American History. My grandparents have lived through the depression, Jim Crow, Affirmative Action, an oil crisis, and the list goes on. And since hindsight is 20-20, I often find myself struggling to understand how they found the strength and resiliency to keep going, create something beautiful out of nothing and still keep their sense of humor.
In their day, racism was overt. There were no such things as career advancement, benefits, or a car. Yet, they were able to do more with what they had back then than what my generation can do now. The world promised them nothing.
Reality Check
The world still does not promise anyone anything. We have issues of entitlement and privilege in our society, where individuals believe that they deserve something or because they work hard, they are entitled to something. Well, life is not fair. There are a lot of people who work a lot harder and do not have their fair share. This was a hard truth for me to swallow at an early age. It was a lesson that was impressed upon me by the examples of my parents and grandparents. Watching them work, sacrifice and live morally upright garnered my admiration.
We were never rich but I appreciated the heritage that my grandparents preserved and instilled in my family structure. It was a heritage of solidarity, faith, hard work, and integrity.
Respect you elders
All of us have inherited some heritage from our family. It may not be monetary, but character, morals and values have no price tag. We should celebrate the good and be aware of the bad.
One way to do this is to spend time and listen to our elders. Youth often think that the elderly as out dated and unaware of what is going on. In the process, they make a deadly mistake. The same sun that rose when they were born is the same sun that is in the sky today, and it is the same sun that will be here when all of us depart from what we know as life. That means that there are some things that do not change. These are the fundamentals of life. And understanding those things is what is called wisdom.
People can acquire wisdom through direct experience or the experience of others. I’d rather learn from the experience of others rather than try to make every mistake in the world. Spending time with the elderly can lead to gaining understanding and insight. Only in America is age correlated with obsolescence. However, they did not get that old being a fool.
What Can We Learn
What can we learn from our elders? From my grandparents, I learned patience, discipline, sacrifice, responsibility and loyalty. My grandparents would give any of us the shirt off of their back and they genuinely care about people.
At the same time, they had backbone. They knew what was right and what was wrong and were not afraid to let you know which side you were on. The have manners and were respectful. Some things were just sacred to them.
They are good judges of character. My grandfather always made me laugh when he would tell me why someone was not going to turn out to be any good. And years later, he would be right. Garlin and I would often bring certain young ladies we dated around our grandmothers to see what they would say.
There is a generational divide between the old and the young. Some of the trends and things we are into, they will not understand and vice versa. But that does not mean that they do not have a lot of wonderful gifts and guidance to offer us, especially in these perilous and uncertain times. We need each other. The elderly need our energy and exuberance. We need their wisdom and guidance. So let’s celebrate our elders and give them the honor that they deserve. Spend time with them and you might learn something.
I thank God for all of my elders. Without them, we would not be here.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: How do you honor your elders?
“Every man will proclaim his own goodness, but a faithful man who can find?”
I have stated and alluded many times that inconsistent people are one of my biggest pet peeves. I have friends that I have known forever, but I refer to them as my “50-50 friends,” because whatever they say or any plans we might make, has a 50-50 chance of happening. For instance, I have a very good friend who always calls me to go out on the weekend to a lounge downtown. Normally, I would say yes and begin to get dressed. But after a few instances of not hearing from him, I learned quickly that he was one of these individuals. Now, I do not change my plans or my ideas when this individual calls. We are still friends, but I just deal with him on his level.
Rare Indeed
This may seem like a small instance, but Jesus “He who is faithful in that which is least, will also be faithful in that which is great.” This is the rarest type of integrity and discipline indeed. And it can only be cultivated by being consistent in everything. Take any great athlete, and you will find that one of the factors that separates him or her from the rest of the back is the consistency in performance. Whether it was the regular season or the championship, the greats always delivered great performances.
This is an area that everyone can use improvement. How you handle the small things reveals a lot about your character and credibility. Therefore, be careful about what you say to people and what you commit to. Because you might forget, but there is a good chance that the person you committed to will not.
I Can Change
How can we master the details? Well besides being more conscientious of our interactions with others, we need to get organized. I am a big list maker. If I do not write it down, I know I will forget something. Use a calendar, planner, whatever. Also, the setting of a deadline to follow up or perform the task will make it more real. Whatever method you decide to use, the key is to just do whatever it is you say you are going to do, no matter how small it may be. That way, when it is time to come through in a crunch, others will have no problem putting their money on you.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: How do you insure your consistency daily?
Good day all. The phrase another day, another dollar has an entirely new meaning for me as I have begun my summer job. Change and working in the real world is quite an adjustment from school. Now I understand how life speeds up, time becomes scarce, waistlines and stress also increase. Maintaining equilibrium and perspective becomes a tremendous task. However it can be done.
On my very first day on the job, one of my coworkers gave me this piece of advice “once you know who you are, work is easy.” This relatively simple resonated with me as I made the adjustment from full-time, laid-back student to full-time employee. I tend to view the work world with more trepidation than most. I have seen jobs grind people up and make them shells of their former selves. I witness people who have allowed their occupation to grind the life out of them to the point where all they talk about is work and that is their universe. Until one day, they wake up and they are old and alone. This has never been me. I made a vow to never allow a position to change me, but to leave my mark on the position. I promised I would stay true to myself and the man I am on the journey of becoming.
This brings me to the issue of vocation or purpose. The majority of individuals have a job and not a vocation. If you ask a random person on the street, what their vocation is, they probably could not tell you. However, if finding your vocation was not difficult enough, once you find it, do you have the courage to follow it? This is my challenge, as I stand on the threshold of adult life.
What are you in it for?
I know that since the dawn of time, humans have left their homes to provide for themselves and their families. However, it still does not make the adjustment any easier. One way to keep life interesting is to ask “What am I in it for? What are my priorities?” Do not be anxious, but always keep your eyes on the prize. Outside of the deadlines, the hustle and bustle, you need to keep in touch with yourselves. Never let those dreams die. They are a gift entrusted to you to nurture.
These are not easy questions, especially when you are young and just starting out. But as I have often stated, we must take each day as it comes and treat it as an adventure. Find ways to incorporate play into your life and make relaxation a priority.
Parting words
In my former career, I received a wonderful piece of advice from a woman who had been employed at the bank I worked at for over forty years. She told me “Steven, at the end of your life, no one will remember the overtime you put in, or the sacrifices you made for the job. In the end, they will remember the kind of person you are and how you treat people.”
I have always used this phrase to help me return to reality. What good is success if you have no one to share it with? What good is money if you are unable to enjoy it? The book of Ecclesiastes says that there is a time and a place for everything. So if you are doing what is right and are diligent in every area of your life, it is not a question of if your dreams will come true, it is a question of when.
I am still learning these things, but this is what I try to remind myself of everyday I put that suit on. There is a totally different man, apart from the suit, that I cannot afford to lose track of.
Keep the faith. Stay encouraged.
Grow where you are planted, but if it doesn’t feel right, make preparations for change. No job is worth your health and personal well-being. Take care of yourselves.
Truth and Peace, Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: How do you maintain work/life balance?
“Excuses build bridges to nowhere and monuments of nothingness”
“Do or do not-there is no try”
-Yoda, “Star Wars”
Lately, it has been raining heavily in Milwaukee. Not light rain, but that hard, mad rain. During a break in the weather, my mother decided this would be a good time to cut the grass. So, my brothers and I are in the yard, doing our thing and my mother tells me that the grass is uneven. Mind you, the grass is still very wet, making it impossible to cut the grass well. She then tells me I need to start putting my glasses on.
This whole incident got me to thinking: What is the difference between an explanation and an excuse? In this results oriented world, the line is often blurred. There have been times when I had a valid explanation, but the receiver, who only cared about results, did not want to hear it. My dad always said “excuses are the tools of the incompetent.” However, are there ever times when an explanation is justified?
Well, I went to my good friend Webster and looked up the word and found that it meant “to try to exonerate from blame.” This did not help increase my knowledge. So, I synthesized my own rule. It all has to do with scope of control. If there was an unforeseeable event that you had no control of and was not the result of negligence, then it is a valid explanation. If the failure to perform was due to poor planning, lack of foresight, or general inattentiveness, then your justification is bogus.
“Man Up”: Ownership 101
You can always recognize a lame excuse when there is a lack of honesty and initiative. And who is the favorite victim of these tales? Ourselves. Self-delusion is a favorite past-time of a lot of people and procrastination soon follows. What excuse have you heard or perhaps told yourself for not exercising, keeping your New Year’s Resolution, or taking control of your financial life? People have far more excuses than they have answers. I am not immune to this. I find I make excuses when I think the other party is being unreasonable and unrealistic, but I do not want to tell them the truth. Lord help me, I am working on it (if I have done it to you, sorry, but now you know).
However, the hallmark of maturity is taking ownership of the situation. We are the root of a lot of the good and bad in our lives, and it normally stems from the areas we have not been honest with ourselves and others about. Until you can look in the mirror and own whatever that area is, then you will never be able to perform and grow. Don’t back down; do not make allowances- just do it.
I watched to very good movies this week: “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” and “Mission Impossible III.” These movies drilled into me the importance of execution. The characters in these situations had no room for error and less room for excuses. In times when no amount of justification can change the facts, all you can do is apologize and start working on a remedy.
In closing…
Even on our best day, when we our most careful, most attentive, most conscientious, we still may not achieve the desired result. Does that mean that the justification is not valid? No, but in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? What’s past is past and all we have is the present and the problem still looking us in the face. So, resist the urge to treat your wounds with excuses and hit the drawing board for a solution to the problem. It isn’t easy and it will not happen overnight. It will take tireless diligence to eradicate excuses from your vocabulary. Yet, when you do, you will be far more effective and reliable. I will probably be eating these words later, but hey, you gotta start at home. Hopefully, someone appreciates my honesty. Here’s to growth!
If someone asks you for a reason, give it to them, or else, just keep it to yourself.
If you did not get it done, you did not get it done. Simple and plain.
Find an incentive to get it done. Whatever the “it” may be.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week: What is the lamest excuse you have ever heard and from who? When do you make excuses?
Earlier, I wrote a piece on going to the gym that ruffled some feathers but when it comes to being healthy in our non-stop lives, exercising is only part of the story. I am focusing on eating today because every week, new studies contradict either long-held beliefs or the studies that were published the week before. How do you sort through them all? By getting back to basics.
Now I am no nutritionist, but I know that each of you have learned some tips for eating healthy. So my challenge to you is the share with the world what practices, dishes, mindsets, etc. have had the biggest impact on helping you eat healthy.
I’ll start.
1) Beef, not pork. Hopefully, I don’t have to explain.
2) I had to cut back on eating frozen dinners for lunch after someone told me how much sodium they have. As a result, I now eat turkey or corned beef sandwiches.
3) To help me drink water, I take multivitamins in the morning and I eat nutrition/energy bars in the afternoon which further encourages the water intake.
4) I either eat an orange or an apple during the day and I try to incorporate vegetables for dinner at night.
5) I don’t like taking time to cook so one of my staples now is to get minute rice that you throw in the microwave, add some grilled chicken or steak strips, and top it off with peas or corn. Now I know that eating microwaved foods is not the best thing in the world, but until some of you teach me how to cook fresh food fast, I am sticking with it.
Between the calls for Black unity, Tavis Smiley’s Townhall Meetings, and countless personal conversations, rarely do I find Black people actually challenge the way we view each other. I hearken back to Chris Rock’s famous line where he said, “I love Black people, but I can’t stand niggas!” That joke was classic, but it was also tragic.
The tragedy comes from the increasing social distance between Black folks that would make that quote tickle the core of so many Blacks, regardless of their socioeconomic status. So as we talk about moving forward individually and collectively as a people, do the niggas get left behind? I certainly hope not, but the fact that so many of us (especially those of us with a lil’ ejumacation) are thoroughly convinced there are clear lines of demarcation between Blacks and niggas is troubling. Can someone tell me what they are?
I think what makes matters worse is the lack of probing that allow stereotypes to fester amongst our community. While I am not interested in enumerating various stereotypes, I would like to challenge all of us to check our assumptions against what we think and what we know. And what I know is that the differences between Black folks are not that much. When I mentor young men who are erroneously labeled at-risk, I always tell them that my going to college does not create a gulf between us. In fact, there are probably two or three decisions that made our paths so different.
But here’s the rub, it wouldn’t take that much for our roles to change. I could get caught up in legal trouble and end up in jail in much the same way that a young man who responds to mentoring by changing his life around and starting his own business. And what I hate is this notion that you are entitled to live whatever lifestyle you currently live in, such that negative and positive expectations are set in stone resulting in extreme self-deception.
Take Black people and all people for individuals and learn to absorb their stories. Try assuming the best when you are thinking of the worst. I also encourage us to empathize, understand, and most of all listen because we all have something to learn from each other. In closing, any call for unity will require us to not let our interactions be solely determined by stereotypes.
“In the future, everyone will have 15 minutes of fame.”
-Andy Warhol
Whenever I turn on the television, I am amazed at the proliferation of new reality TV shows. A lot of times, it is just stupid people doing frivolous things. Some are good, but the majority are bad-in my opinion. The human need for attention and recognition is as potent a drug as power or money. If you ever come across a person with an excessive need for validation, be careful because anything you have to offer will never be enough.
Mother knows best…
Yet, there is a group of people who really make a difference. They have made a far greater impact than anyone on TV today. I am talking about mothers. In the book of Proverbs, in the 31st chapter, it describes the perfect, godly woman. She is so great that her children call her blessed. She is known for her care and attention to her household, family, and business affairs. I believe that ideal remains.
To me, mothers are irrefutable evidence that God exists. For years, they give and expect nothing in return. They feed us, nurture us, know everything about us, yet are able to love us anyway.
It is something I do not think I will ever understand. There is nothing we can do to repay our mothers for the infinite sacrifices they have made. However, a thank you and a token of appreciation is a good start. Honor her while she is still in your midst.
And if your mother has journeyed beyond, remembering her and what she meant while she was here is a great way to keep her memory alive.
We should seek to incorporate the spirit, sacrifice and love our mothers showed us into our daily lives. Nurture life in your own little way. God bless all the women who have been maternal figures to myself and others. You truly are appreciated.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the week: What do you remember most about your mother?
Long time no see fam!!! Your Superspade was holding it down in sunny/smoggy California on business all last week, but I have been pregnant with ideas that I am ready to birth. But before that, I just want to let my co-contributors, Steve, Garlin, and guest writers know that I am their number one fan and I am so proud to be associated with this site. We are taking it back to basics!!!
With that said, last week, I had an interesting epiphany that I think summarizes the two major obstacles that make brothers fear marriage; obedience and compromise.
Basketball Schedules
A couple years ago, I asked a mentor of mine, CJ, how he made his marriage work. He then taught me a lesson about marriage that really took my understanding of marriage to a whole new level that I am passing on to you. CJ played basketball in college and actually tried out for a couple of professional teams to no avail. Needless to say, CJ is serious about his basketball. And while he was dating his wife, Kecia, in college, he played basketball every Saturday morning with the fellas. And for the real hoopers, you know few things can compare to Saturday morning basketball followed by food, sports, and ignorance.
So CJ keeps up this routine during their courtship, engagement, and into the marriage. Now a couple years after being happily married, one day CJ woke up on a Saturday morning and packed his gym bag. No sooner than CJ is done washing down the last bit of bagel with OJ, does Kecia come in and say matter-of-factly, “Where do you think you’re going?” After clearing his throat, the stunned CJ replies, “What are you talking about? I am about to go hoop, like I always do.” Never faded, Kecia says, “Well, you are going to have to start asking permission to play ball on Saturdays because I might have plans for us.”
As you can imagine, CJ didn’t play ball that day but that’s what CJ wanted me to learn. The fact was that there some Saturdays he did play and there were days he didn’t. But whatever he did on any Saturday, he had to run it past Kecia to see if she had any plans for them. And just so we’re clear, neither Kecia, nor CJ is whipped and they have a beautiful marriage. The gist of the story is that by learning obedience the easy way, CJ was able to side-step a problem that could have grown out of control. And it doesn’t matter that CJ played ball before he got married or that Kecia didn’t tell him the rules before hand, the man was right to obey, period. Now insert basketball schedules with something you planned on keeping sacred from your bachelor days and imagine your wife telling you that that thing has to go by her. Only then will you understand how vital it is for men to understand the power and liberty that accompanies obedience. It will save you a world of grief, take it from CJ.
The Off-Arm
Now for any guy that has ever slept with a woman, (I mean sleep, not sex) than you have probably had requests from your woman to hold/cuddle her as she dozes off to sleep. And if she was really mushy, she probably wanted to wake up in the exact same position. That’s all fine and dandy, but that is not comfortable for the fellas due to the clumsiness of the off-arm. What do I mean? Let me draw you a mental picture. Let’s assume that you are in the bed and you and your partner and facing the left side such that the left side of your body is touching the bed and the right side of your body is facing the ceiling. Now if you are holding your woman, then chances are you are holding her with your right arm.
But what do you do with your left arm!!!! In this example, left arm is the off-arm and its use is critical to getting a good night’s rest. Now there are five positions where you can position the arm if you are indeed trying to go to sleep in this position. (Assume all positions keep your right arm holding your partner across the torso.)
Position 1 involves keeping your off-arm being extended above her head where it is highly vulnerable to going to sleep and you probably don’t want to sleep with your face in your armpits. Position 2 utilizes the off-arm as a pseudo pillow such that it is nestled at the base of her neck but in this position, you won’t be able to turn over without waking her up. Position 3 places the off-arm underneath the left side of your partners torso, such that both of your arms would be wrapped around her torso. This would be the equivalent of standing behind your partner and holding them around the waist. The problem with this position is that your partner is sleeping on your off arm!!! Which means your hand is going to be blue in the morning due to lack of blood circulation and don’t even think about turning over because you are stuck. Position 4 involves your off arm slightly in front of you but having your forearm lodged in the back of your partner. While this is the most versatile position in terms of maneuverability, it creates considerable distance that your partner may find unacceptable. And lastly, Position 5 involves your off arm being placed directly under your left side such that you are going to sleep on your own off-arm. In which case your off-arm will either be numb or will disrupt the curvature of your spine so that your sleep is not sound.
Now fellas, why would I describe the 5 positions of the off-arm dilemma? It’s because you are going to be sleeping with the same woman every night for the rest of your life!!! And quite frankly, I think the off-arm dilemma is a major reason why men die before women. But in all seriousness, the off-arm dilemma to me represents the myriad of ways that men have to compromise to make their marriage work. And likewise, if you don’t cook and your woman does, she may have to cook on days that she doesn’t want to because both of you are too cheap to order out. (invest that money) And there may be days that you just want to sleep in opposite directions just so you can get a good night’s rest. But if she wants be held, just know you read about the off-arm here at Superspade. So what did we learn fellas? Marriage is all about compromise and a healthy dose of obedience. And if you can’t see yourself doing those two things, then either she’s not the one or you need to man-up.
This week, I had to pull one from the archives. What follows is the first Weekly Dream I ever wrote about a year ago. It is an honor to be able to share this on a wider scale.
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We all have passion, an internal energy source that drives us to or from a destination. Like fire, it needs to be harnessed to bring about a productive result. That is where Purpose/Vision comes in: it is the harness that tames the potential destructive nature of passion. The two are inextricably linked. You cannot have a compelling Purpose/Vision without passion, and you cannot be effective if you have energy all the time for no apparent reason.
Too often, we do not know what we are supposed to be doing at this place in time and space. It is easy to lose sight of the ultimate goal and the task at hand. It is easy to get bogged down in the details, but that is the quickest way to get stymied. Chart your course and let your passion carry you.
With that said, I want to challenge you with a series of questions: Are you living with passion?
Have you discovered your purpose? What are you doing to practice these in order to radiate excellence?
We must actively practice in order to perform well under the pressures of life. This is done through the cultivation and discipline of good habits. Everyday, we must seek ways to demonstrate our excellence and uniqueness as individuals and in any group we are in. Practice is a process. Processes enable us to learn.
However, we deceive ourselves if we think that we can be successful without first holding ourselves to a higher standard of living and consciousness. Change must come from within and then manifest itself outward.
Practice is a process. Processes enable us to learn. We have an invaluable opportunity to learn from each other if we will dedicate ourselves this to process.
What keeps us from doing what we know we should and must for the realization of our dreams?
Our greatest obstacle and deadliest enemy is ourselves.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: What keeps us from doing what we know we should or living the life we desire?
“There is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Get the fundamentals down and the level of everything you do will rise. The minute you get away from the fundamentals, the bottom could fall out .”
-Michael Jordan, I Can’t Accept Not Trying
“Don’t start something you are not going to finish…I hate that”
-My mother
For me, the process of learning and change has always been uncomfortable, if not painful. Today was my first day back on the basketball court and needless to say it was a humbling experience. However, it reminded me of the process I went through to learn the game and the fruit that came from it.
Growing up, I was more nerd than athlete and disparaged every sport accept soccer. But around fifth grade, when all the guys went to recess, there was no one to play soccer with, so I figured I might want to give basketball a try. That summer, my father sent me to the one week Kevin O’Neill Summer Basketball camp. This was the premier camp in town. There were speakers, drills, and games. Every camper was assigned a team based on age group and we played each other for bragging rights and a chance to play in the playoffs at the end of the week.
My team was the worse team in the league. By Wednesday, I was ready to hang it up. I hated losing and being the laughingstock of the camp. But I played through it and practiced my drills.
On the last day of camp, everything seemed to come together. We went into sudden death overtime with the best team in our league. On a miss, I got the rebound and scored the game winning basket. I was hero for a day.
The following two years I attended the camp, I became progressively better. And my last year, I played in the finals in front of the entire camp and my parents. Although we did not win, I felt peace because I went from being on the worse team to being one of the best.
It’s Good For You
This scenario has played itself out in my life many times over, anytime there is a new beginning. I find myself looking up at the bottom and I work my way up to the top. I always feel like the tortoise in a world full of hares. Some people rise to the challenge and others never push it past the pain. Perhaps there have been times when you have felt the same. However I have found that with faith, persistence and tenacity, you can make it to where you want to go.
What the process requires along the way is patience and humility to learn and to begin again. Our society is predicated on flawless execution, but how does one attain perfection? Unless you are an idiot savant, you are going to have work through the discomfort. Success is right around the corner.
How Do I Learn?
It is important to know the process in which change and learning occurs when you find yourself in new situations. I have developed an acronym that I use in order to stay focused on the process and not the pain: P.I.P.A (Pay attention, Internalize, Practice, Apply).
First, discern what is required and what it will take to be successful. Also, look at how you feel and your gut level reaction to everything.
Second, make sure you truly understand what the process is and if you are willing to give what is going to be required. To paraphrase Jesus: Who begins a work and counteth not the cost?
Third, practice the skills you will need. First in no pressure situations and then put yourself in a simulated environment. You can also run through your routine using visualization. Picture yourself being successful at game time.
Fourth, when the time comes, apply what you have learned. If you have done the other steps properly, chances are you won’t stink up the joint. Remember Poor Preparation Prevents Perfect Performance.
Final Thoughts
Anything you want in this life is going to cost you something. The question is whether the price is reasonable. Do not rely on your gifts too heavily. Remember that work is the catalyst that transforms talent into skill.
Life will always grant a second chance to those willing to start over.
Even a phoenix must fall before it may rise again in splendor.
Be the Phoenix-You will rise again.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: Is there an instance where you have pushed through discomfort to be the best?
“A friend creates comfort, but an enemy creates change. Big giants never guard small treasures.”
-Rev. Sherrill
Long ago and far away, my grandparents temporarily relocated to rural Carbondale, Illinois. On my frequent visits, I did everything a country boy could do: run, trap insects in a jar, and eat a ridiculous amount of food. One fateful day, as my grandfather and I walked along the road, I inquired what created the random tunnels in the ditches running alongside the road. Instead of telling me they were gopher holes, he told me of a mythical creature called a “pincher” because if you put your hands in their hole, they grabbed you and never let go.
Now, these holes were everywhere. You could not turn around without coming across them. In my five year old mind, the last thing I wanted was to be pinched. So, one day, I happened to look out of the window and I thought I saw a pincher, looking right up at me. I was scared to death and refused to go outside for the remainder of the day. The next day, I thought to myself, “Surely, the pincher is not still outside” and sure enough, he was. This went on for five days. I would not leave the house. Finally, I had reached my wit’s end. Pincher or no pincher, I was going outside. So the next day, I tip toed outside up to the pincher, only to find out it was only a jagged tree stump.
I have never felt as foolish as I did that day. So whenever I am afraid or anxious, I think back to that day and I realize that my fear is really just a tree stump masquerading as a “pincher.”
Fear, fear, go way
Fear is the apprehension of a negative manifestation. It has not happened yet, but how often does our perception of our fears and anxiety translate into reality, only to find out upon closer inspection that they were not as bad as we had drawn them up to be?
Fear must be confronted head on. When you feel the fear welling up inside, that is a cue to act. We must train ourselves to examine our fears against what we know to be true. What we do not know, we must find out because next to action, I have found familiarity and preparation are the best antidotes to fear and anxiety. Use fear as a catalyst for assessment, action and consequently change.
What about the times when your fears are not baseless and there is a substantial chance of them manifesting themselves? Then you must engage in what I call “damage control.” This is a course of action that will minimize the negative outcome on you. If it is unavoidable, then accept it with serenity, look for the reality and move on.
Five Smooth Stones
In addition to the “Pincher Story”, when I feel outmatched, outwitted, or insecure (it does happen at times), I turn to the well-known story of “David and Goliath.” David faced his greatest challenge on that field. Behind him was obscurity and the cowardice of the Israelite army. On the other side of the giant was a kingdom and immortalization-a future bigger than he could ever imagine. And with him, all he had was unwavering faith, a slingshot and five smooth stones. In slaying the giant, David became one.
Like David, we must put our fear to the side and fill it with something empowering. Our fear is a challenge calling us to our destiny. Sometimes, all we will have is faith to guide us down the path. But I believe that faith is enough.
Life is an adventure, face it head on.
Big giants do not guard little treasures. Get what is yours.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: How do you overcome your fear?
I haven’t been in the workforce long enough to experience any severe discrimination but if and when that happens, one part of my response will be influenced by an upcoming Supreme Court decision based on protecting employees from employer retaliation after that employee files a discrimination complaint.
The defendant, Sheila White, did not have her pay disrupted until she filed a sexual discrimination complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Burlington Northern eventually changed its mind and compensated Sheila for back pay.
That’s interesting because I wonder how many of those complaints are filed by women and minorities? However, this case is an interesting chapter in the on-going tug-of-war between employers and employees. Now let’s assume you are susceptible to discrimination because of something silly as the color of your skin. And let’s further suppose you have three kids and a mortgage, how far would you push for civil and equal treatment knowing that your work-life could very easily become non-existent or extremely uncomfortable?
Your answer to this question no doubt will be affected by this decision because if you know that your employer can get away with discrimination and then force you out of your job if you file a complaint, then I would think that you would not push as hard. However, if you knew that you could sue your employer twice for retaliating against your original discrimination complaint, I imagine you would be a little bolder in speaking out. Ideally, everyone would speak truth to power whenever they see it, but I am aware that this thinking tends to fade over time. So maybe if the Supreme Court rules in favor of Sheila, then those who are really beholden to their jobs might muster enough courage to speak up for what’s right. And for as difficult as it is to actually prove discrimination, I hope the Supreme Court will not give employers the power to muffle the cries for justice.
“Revolution is another word for life fightin’”
-Common, “Home is where the Hatred Lives”
Every Holy Week, I try to do something to make it real to me. Some people prefer to watch the “Passion of the Christ” while others give something up for the Lenten season. Personally, I try to look at the events and life of Christ with fresh eyes and different perspectives.
This year, I went to see the film “V for Vendetta” and a thought hit me: Christianity is arguably the greatest and longest lasting revolution in human history. When Jesus lived, the Jewish people were looking for a conqueror in the military sense. But Christianity became a cultural conquest. What made the Christian business model so sustainable? To the point where nations have been founded and toppled over this believe system purported by an obscure carpenter from Galilee? What does this say about the nature of revolutions at large and how can we incorporate this into our daily lives to effect change?
First the Movement…
Revolutions are defined by rapid change of the status quo. Most revolutions begin as movements. Movements are the groundwork for revolution. These are grassroots efforts to raise awareness of an issue. Revolutions can be violent, but these are not as sustainable because there is often no new order ready to take the place of the old. And often violent revolutions lead to mistrust and instability.
Internalizing the Revolution…
A successful revolution occurs when people embrace and internalize the spirit of the revolution into their daily lives. The majority of successful revolutions are often referred to in spirit rather than actual events. For instance, history books often make mention of the American Revolution as the “Spirit of 1776.” The people identified strongly and understood clearly what they were fighting for and why change was necessary. The revolution changed the thinking of the people.
This is why I believe Christianity, as well as any other major movement turned revolution, has been sustainable. It started by meeting people where they were with the intent of helping them realize their potential. Once people understand that they can be better, then they believe that their surroundings can be better too. And what’s more, they feel empowered to make it happen.
How Does This Apply To You
At some point, you have to define what is worth fighting for. How much are you willing to let slide? What will it take for you to speak out against the injustice in your community, government and in your own life? How dedicated are you to the struggle, to change inside and out?
These are questions we all must answer. And that is what Easter/Resurrection Season means to me. It is a constant reminder that there is still a lot of work to be done in my little corner of the earth.
This is the purpose of these articles and www.thesuperspade.com. We want everyone to be aware and live the lives that the Good Lord intended. We challenge for us to use all of the tools at our disposal to do so. If a man armed with only a group of fishermen and some conviction can turn the world upside down, why can’t we? If we don’t, it is because the Spirit of Revolution, the spirit of change has been lost upon us.
I cannot tell you how to fight your fight. I cannot tell you how to foment your own revolution. I cannot tell you how much to give. That is for you to determine. I can tell you this: The revolution will not be televised because no one can see what is in your heart.
The world will not get better until you get better.
Internalize the Revolution.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: What does revolution mean to you and how do you choose to wage the battle within?
“*This Woman’s Work/This Woman’s Work/Oh, it’s hard on a man*”
-Maxwell, “This Woman’s Work”
“*Being a real woman means saying you are sorry and meaning it. It also means coming to grips with 3 fundamental facts over time: You are not perfect (twenties), you will never be perfect (thirties) and you do not have to be perfect *.”
-HD
Let’s be clear: I have a deep, enduring love and admiration for women. I truly am a fan. As a result, a large part of my life has been oriented in trying to understand what makes them tick; in hopes that I would procure a method for bridging the gap that often exists between the sexes. Often, we define ourselves through the lens of the opposite sex and their construction of what we should be. A definition by opposites so to speak. This can be good or bad, depending on what ideal is being projected. It is this formulation I am interested in. How does our sex define/influence us and how does it influence our interactions with the opposite sex? For my own part, I have been blessed to encounter some truly phenomenal women from all walks of life, and as a result, I am a better man for it.
I figured it would be a little disingenuous of me to pontificate on what it means to be a modern day woman. Therefore, I have solicited a little help. I petitioned a view individuals to write about what it means to be a woman, and how that relates to their other identities. I received some interesting responses, while with others, the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak (read: did not make the deadline). In any event, here are some very different responses. You may or may not agree, wherever you are on this issue, let your voice be heard.
My Struggle from Foreign Soil…
Needless to say, defining the above concept is a task that requires me to draw from entirely different places in my life from the problems I face daily to the company that I keep. There is no overarching way for me to define what being a woman means, period. I can however lay out the theory to which I, as a Foreign Black Woman, vehemently subscribe that wholly describes the plight of the black women in modern American society today (Pardon my harsh cynicism in advance):
The quadrant theory puts race and gender into very distinct boxes, and works only in Black and White. I don’t know and don’t really care for the purposes of this piece where Asians, Latinas, Arabs, etc, fit into all of this, but as far as Blacks/Whites are concerned, follow me on this: The quadrant theory divides White Men, White Women, Black Men and Black Women into four sections. A ++ (positive/positive) ranking is given to the white man, a +- (positive/negative) to the white woman, a +- (positive/negative) to the black man, and a — (negative/negative) to the black woman.
Some of you may already see where this is going. White men suffer from excessive privilege (hence the ++). White women, though white, are still forced to grapple with issues of sexism. Black men, though fending off constant racial profiling, can still play the “Male” card, which leaves us with the Black woman. She brings up the rear fighting racism and sexism with both fists.
This theory entirely guides my thinking in nearly every aspect of life, from career opportunities to the advantages/disadvantages of pursuing a romantic relationship with a ++ vs. +-. Black women have had, currently do have, and will continue to bear the brunt of societal crunches and not to throw my own pity party, but that leaves little sympathy for others (Others in the quadrant, of course).
Our role as the Black Woman is that of the supporter & rarely the supported. I suppose that comes with the territory when 70% of us carry the weight of the Black Family.
I find myself with an added personal indignance because of how Foreign Black women (and men, to be fair – immigrant/1st-generation Africans, etc.), don’t seem to enter into this Black/White discourse at all. I can’t even count the number of times my ideas and viewpoints have been dismissed with a slight wave of the hand and a breezy, “Well, you’re different, you don’t count”. So now my struggle isn’t real? So my father having to find five different advisors before he could find one who really believed that a Black Man in the late 70’s could actually earn a Ph. D. is Me not counting? The white man at our church who patted my brother on the head when he came back from Eritrea, congratulating him for coming back with “nigger hair” is Me not counting? My cousin being raped and having the rapist blame it not on himself, but on the Hyper-sexualization of Black women in America, is Me not counting? Our experiences may be different but the struggle is still the same. Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t trade my position for the world. It has made me who I am now and will continue to shape who I am in the future. It’s true what they say: Perseverance builds character.
I could go on forever, but that, my friends, is what being a (Foreign) Black Woman means to me – Hard work, strength & determination = Under appreciation. Hey, but we all have our cross to bear right?
~RHG
Looking Back…Completeness
I never thought that being a woman or female meant limitations. I now recognize that there is a vast difference between considering oneself a woman and considering oneself a female. Being a female defines you by gender without consideration for the responsibility for the various roles that you play. Being a woman includes your gender the responsibilities inherent in it and that which you assume. I am a wife responsible for working with another individual to incorporate his perspective add value to his life and allow him to do the same for me. I was chosen for that role and willingly accepted it. It isn’t always easy and so the struggle, challenge and promises continue. I am someone’s mother. They did not ask to be born. I chose to have them and take this role as seriously if not more than my role as wife. I relish in the challenge of being my children’s advocate, friend disciplinarian, confidant and any other role that at 19 and 22, allow me. They are the best of what their dad and I are to each other. Having them transcended my gender and added a new dimension to my woman ness. I am a professional and the unique qualities that women bring to that role as wife, mother, person and evolved individual make me better at being an employee and a professional. Each of my roles is interdependent on and inextricably tied to each other to coexist. After years of trying to compartmentalize each of my roles… aspect of myself, I realize that it is only through harmonious integration that I can be a whole woman harmoniously coexisting, comfortable and confident with my me.
-Sheila A.
Waiting for Revolution…
Womanhood what a beautiful word. I smile sorrowfully when I think about all that womanhood and a girl’s journey into it entails.
When Talib Kweli said “life is a beautiful struggle” he was right. In fact, that just about sums up how I feel about being a woman. The overt AND covert sexism that still plagues our country, and countries around the world, is often enough to make me feel burdened simply stepping out in the world every day, yet the ways women have struggled against and succeeded in the face of oppressions dating back to the beginning of humanity are feats worthy of eternal recognition and admiration.
My mother once dashed any possible prior hope that I might ever own a Barbie when she told me that I couldn’t have one because “we don’t look like that.” She additionally put me in “my womanly place” when I was 12 (the only time I can ever recall actually wanting to lose weight) when she sternly but lovingly told me that my body would probably NEVER look like the models in the magazines because our family had breasts and hips and, above all, was never a “genetically skinny family”. While I was never able to truly decode those messages until much later in life, my love, respect and infinite gratitude goes out to my mother for being an “undercover feminist” during my most formative years.
Sometimes I wish I had the public influence to move mountains. Yet despite my fury and frustration, I would NEVER chose not to be a woman, if I were somehow ever afforded the choice. A friend recently told me that “I’d make a good dude” and while my good self-esteem tells me that I’d probably make a good ANYTHING, I had to dissent. I can’t imagine not being a woman, I can’t imagine what it would be like to go through life masquerading as the “stronger sex” but being intelligent enough to know that I’m not and understanding that I sometimes benefit from society’s eternal fear of being overthrown or at least challenged by the likes of women and people of color and poor people and everyone else who our country owes SOMETHING.
Being a woman is indeed a beautiful struggle. There are so many difficult but wonderful things about being a woman, even in all its complexities. Our bodies, for example, are amazing. We can create a life and nurture it inside of us. Our minds are even more amazing, we dissect the ins and outs of life in a way that incessantly mind-boggles members of the opposite sex, We pay attention to detail, we know how to love and feel and understand, even if we sometimes use these powers manipulatively. And now that we are finally allowed to “be educated” at all, liberal arts colleges across the country are outreaching to men, as there is now an over-abundance of qualified female applicants. Even if y’all disappoint me more and more lately, I’m still so very proud ladies.
Sometimes I think our self-esteem is at the root of all our problems, but in a society that discourages our worth, I could never put the onus on us, exclusively.
I’m just waiting impatiently for women to collectively say “we aint standing for this any longer”, and doing what I can in the meantime.
-Machita
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week:
Ladies-What does it mean to be a woman?
Men-What is your perception of women and how does that affect the way you relate to them?
Location plays too much of a factor in relationships. Whether you or the person you are with have plans on attending graduate school in another state, switching jobs, or just want to see settle in another part of the nation/world, the chances of you having at least a part-time long distance relationship are increasingly high. What are the implications of this growing trend on relationships that have marriage potential? I got one clue from a friend of mine who said recently, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.”
I’m not ready yet
Are you currently in a place where you are avoiding serious relationships until you get a good feel for where you think you might be long-term? Or have you had a relationship hit a rough patch in anticipation of one or both of you relocating in different states? If not, then congratulations. If so, join the club. It is a really difficult situation that takes constant communication and trust. However, what troubles me is that one negative effect of the premium placed on location is that people will spend years in a temporary living/schooling/working situation and will close off all prospects of love because they don’t want to deal with someone who will not eventually end up where they want to be. In other words, a person getting an M.A. in New York who eventually wants to return to Kansas will only seriously engage others who either have plans on living in Kansas or live in Kansas already. I think this is somewhat closed-minded. Now I am all for being focused and being goal-oriented but when we think that the love of our lives has must be or want to be in the same state is silly. What’s more troubling is the notion that love and training/schooling don’t mix because you will always be making strides to improve yourself but love cannot be scheduled into Outlook. And once you find that person, he/she might be open to moving to Kansas and just maybe, just maybe, you might decide to stay in NY. I say all that to say that location is not as crippling as you might think.
Gender bias
Can we keep it real? Thanks, because in most long distance relationships, women are generally expected to relocate much more than men are expected to. As a result, you have situations where a man who relocates for his woman is often times labeled as “whipped,” where as a woman who relocates for her man is viewed as “doing her what she has to do.” This is extremely damaging to our relationships because these unspoken expectations result in grave misunderstandings of what the other person is looking for. Of course, these biases might be couched in the idea that the person making the most money should serve as the earth where their mate is the moon that revolves around them. So men, if your woman makes more money than you, your relocating does not take away any of your manhood. Likewise, women, your relocating does not make you any less independent than you are already.
But we should get married
You know I had to go there right? I think that making big geographical moves with someone without a ring is a very risky situation. To be clear, I am not talking about the 7-year engagement but marriage plans that have left the train station. Which brings me back to my friend’s quote I stated earlier, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.” Fellas, you would do well to remember this statement because you can’t expect your woman to jump through hoops and then get all quiet when marriage comes up. Man up!!! There is a reason why men propose but I will save that for another post.
I am not saying propose just to propose but before you ask someone to make that move, make sure you are willing to take it to the next level. Because if you two break up and are somewhere such that you need each other to cover the bills but both of you don’t know anyone, it could get real bad real soon. But at least if you are married, my hope is that your level of commitment would be cemented so that when times get hard, (and they will) the exit door will seem too small for you to leave. So don’t waste people’s time!!! You KNOW if you are willing to marry someone and if you know this is the one, stop trying to create doubts to talk yourself out of it. Being in a different location is not a disincentive for marriage and like I said before in previous posts, if marriage is all about compromise then how can people be stubborn as all get out but then expect to be compromising once they get married?
How do you feel distance complicates relationships? And how should it be resolved?
It has been requested that I post my thoughts on “A Poverty of the Mind,” an opinion piece in the NY Times that was put out in response to the story that was the subject of “Is the Black Man in America doomed?” piece. “A Poverty of the Mind” speaks to what the author, Orlando Patterson, sees as what Black men have done/are doing to put themselves in the position that they are in. This position, like any other, has both merits and flaws. We can talk about both here.
Responsibility for one’s self is a basic truth of life. To ignore this responsibility is to completely victimize yourself or put yourself completely at the mercy of another. During different parts of life, there are differing levels of this self-responsibility. Children at birth do not have this responsibility. As they grow and mature, the responsibility is passed onto them, for some at a faster pace than others? At some [arbitrary] point, it all rests on them (where this point is is up for discussion, as I cannot pinpoint it exactly).
The question becomes, how do you measure how well you are doing in your own self-responsibility? I say it depends on your situation and your needs. Part of the answer to this question is in found in the “cultural explanations” that Patterson suggests. He says that “a cultural explanation of black male self-destructiveness addresses not simply the immediate connection between their attitudes and behavior and the undesired outcomes, but explores the origins and changing nature of these attitudes, perhaps over generations, in their brutalized past. It is impossible to understand the predatory sexuality and irresponsible fathering behavior of young black men without going back deep into their collective past.”
This is the truth. This exploration of cultural history will answer a lot of questions about origins of attitudes. However, I don’t think that it will reveal that Black men have a disposition that makes them more vulnerable to lies and images from the media as a result of their culture. I do think, though, that he will find that media assualt on the psyche combined with availability of the mind due to lack of activity (school, work) combined with an affinity towards a certain type of music may result in certain things seeming more attractive, accessible, and attainable: more “cool.” It is the combination that creates this. What I caution people not to do is look at cultural history in a vacuum. Environments and circumstances help to shape culture. Likewise, culture alters environments and circumstances. To examine one without the other is not meaningful, and Patterson says that we have only be looking at the environment and not the culture. Fair enough, but I do not want to see us move to the opposite extreme. Using the two together, we can identify ways to change both culture and environment in ways beneficial to our people. He makes the assertion that it may be easier to change culture. If that is true, then we can make cultural changes while at the same time changing our social, political, and economic environments (more on this below).
There are things that are in my mind unquestionably irresponsible: promiscuity and predatory sex, laziness in regard to challenging yourself and your mind, willful ignorance. I don’t see listening to 50 Cent or aspiring for a career in professional athletics as ignorant or irresponsible in and of itself. The ignorance comes in at the point where the mindset is “This is all I know. This is my only option, my only way out, my only way to survive or succeed.” That ignorance can be combatted by making other options visible. How do we do that? Mentorship. Mentorship, mentorship, mentorship. Personal relationships change everything. Culture, environment, mindset, everything. How can one mentor change an entire neighborhood? Long and short, easy and difficult journeys, all start with one step.
A flaw in Patterson’s approach, however, is demonstrated by the [in or out of context] words of Detroit Mackenzie High School Principal Bernard Bonam who said that the students “didn’t give a doggone thing about their education…”. The danger with this is that it is based on his assumptions on the motivations of certain student behaviors. To Bonam, the student’s culture in anti-education. Well, I’m no anthropologist, but I do know that part of culture has to do with the environment in which that culture exists. As Brandon said, why is he blaming students for the sorry state of Mackenzie? Did their culture force the school to not buy books? NO!!! My challenge to him, conservatives, and to anyone who takes solely this position is this: how many people have you talked to in the group that you are judging about their feelings on their situation? How diverse of a set of people did you reach? This is important because assumptions are dangerous. This is the problem with the whole “I’ve talked to students (or Black people or any ‘group’) and they said this…” line that people try to throw out. They often times have not talked to the people they needed to talk to to gain understanding.
I do agree with the author that many times socioeconomic factors only tell part of the story. However, I do not so readily discount these factors because of this. I see them fitting into a holistic approach to addressing these issues our people face: psychological, economic, and political. I do not agree with the “we have to solve this first before we can talk about that” approach to addressing our predicament. I believe that Black people, the most dynamic people on the planet, can do more than one thing at a time. We can address psychological, economic, social, political, and any other thing we need to solve by working together. Since everyone may or may not be skilled in or passionate about addressing political issues, should the political activists sit on the bench until they are tagged in by those expert in the psychological? NO!!! Solve problems in parallel, not in series. Nothings stops us from addressing broad issues while at the same time addressing personal ones. I can mentor a young man and help him find a job while dealing with my own personal insecurities. I can encourage a young girl to pursue her passion in art while at the same time organizing local town hall meetings on political issues of relevance to people of color. I can be a mentee of a more experienced entrepreneur while mentoring one who is less experienced than I.
Me and Orlando Patterson agree that people need to be responsible for themselves. Beyond that, I believe in collective responsibility for each other. I work towards a world where societal pressures, laws, or policies do not hurt us because of our strength of attitude and confidence. I work towards a world where giving into temptation does not result in plight because the system is able to sustain us and keep us from falling. In that world everyone helps themselves, and everyone helps everyone else. That is what community is to me. Perhaps Mr. Patterson and I can agree on that.
What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a good one or a bad one? What kind of man am I becoming? These are questions I have grappled with and continue to grapple with. And at this age, it is something that looms in the mind of many young men (See Brandon White’s commentary). The rub is that we are aspiring to an ideal that has yet to be effectively defined and articulated.
In other cultures, there exist “rites of passage” ceremonies or initiations where the male is entrusted with the code for the culture and charged with protecting that code. However, in America, there is no identifiable process. Normally, it has to do with arbitrary characteristics or status (i.e. facial hair, losing virginity, etc.) This is further exacerbated by the lack of males in American households. As a result, males, especially minorities, have inherited a warped and piecemeal perception of what it means to be masculine ( e.g. the glorified role of the “thug” in hip-hop). There is a crisis of manhood in America.
I understand that gender roles and traits are influenced in large part by the society at large and its needs. I also concede that this is one of those concepts that cannot be locked in. However, I do believe that form fits function. There are some traits that we naturally exhibit, that you see in children that make us who we are. So this week, I invite everyone to comment on what is a man and how that notion formed. Next week, we will address the ladies.
My Patchwork Quilt
Growing up, I gleaned my ideal of manhood from my family. Looking at my examples, men were providers and protectors first and foremost. They sacrificed. They were strong, consistent and decisive. They were leaders and they were not careless. They never showed vulnerability or weakness. Whatever happened, you just “sucked it up.” They controlled their emotions and never cried in public. I remember my father telling me to “never let them see you sweat.” You had to always seem like you were in control and radiate that toughness. And your word was your bond.
As I entered college, still in my teens, my friends and I began to forge our own code, in relation to other men and in interacting with women. The “guy” code centered around commanding respect, knowing where your loyalties were and sticking to your principles. You did not speak about things you did not know about and you minded your own business. Your words and actions were always deliberate—thinking ahead about the consequences. This took a lot of self-discipline.
With women, things became complicated and they still are because it added yet another layer of expectations to be imposed. You couldn’t constantly assert yourself, and in relationships, you learned to pick your battles. However, a lot of men never learn how to be a man in interacting and dealing with women; that is another article.
It’s a Man’s World?
At this point, I have learned that aspiring to be your own man, counter to what is “en vogue” in society, can be a thankless job. By eschewing societal standards and the expectations of others, there is no benchmark by which to measure you by.
There comes a point where you just become comfortable in your own skin. I know my limitations and I am fine with those. I believe that is the essence of manhood: To know who you are and to be comfortable with that. Yet, we must strive to always be the best that we can be. By doing so, we can bring out the best in others. I disagree with those who might say that there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” man. I believe in good and evil. I also believe that men and women both reflect qualities and characteristics of the Creator. So a bad man is one who does not exhibit those traits. However, if you are a bad man, you are probably a bad human being also.
End note
This is just the beginning of our exploration of our concept of gender and how it carries over into our behaviors and relationships.
As a man, all that is required is to do the best with the tools and information at hand.
Stick to the script, and eventually, someone will take notice.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week: What does it mean to be a man? What shaped this ideal for you?
Old rule: Black people cannot talk about a movement of any form until we heal our families.
Back in January, I wrote a post on the Black Family Movement and how Black people can not talk about a revolution until we heal our families. That post seemed to really strike a chord in the people that posted comments and I hope it helped those of you who did read it. And I promised I would come back with more so here it is.
SWhat bothers me profusely is the amount of generalizations Black people use to define themselves. You know what I’m talking about, “The Black family this, or Black women are that”. So what I am trying to do with the Black family movement series is to make it personal and to help your actions answer this question, “What am I doing to help heal/improve my family?” Often times, we take our family for granted and think that we are born with an innate love for them. But as with any relationships, they require sacrifice, understanding, flexibility, and communication. So please add to this list as you see fit, but make sure you are spending life energy on your family. “We all we got!!!”
1) For those of us who hold on to the anger related to an absent father (either physically or emotionally), know that that hurt is only weighing you down. Find a way to forgive them for their actions. This is not a matter of us comparing who went through the most painful childhood and this obviously will not happen over night, but it is a step in the right direction. Start walking.
2) Stop getting offended when a family member asks you about what is going on in your life. The chances are that they asking you because they care about you, not just to get in your business.
3) Have a meeting with your family to talk about building a trust fund and stop thinking that once you “make it” you are going to be able to take care of everybody.
4) Stop forgetting people’s birthdays and if you are getting a card/gift, give it to them on or before their birthday.
5) Keep track of what younger people in your family want to be when they grow up and constantly push them to challenge themselves for the better.
6) Think of all the reasons why you love the members of your family and tell them!!! What’s the point in waiting to tell them at their funeral?
7) Here’s something interesting. Start a family blog such that only members of the family can view the site and post comments. Engage your family; learn about their politics, their philosophies on Black empowerment, and their thoughts on family and raising children. You would be surprised at how much you don’t know, trust me.
9) Your friends are not the only people you can have fun with. Why is it that so many people are appalled at the thought of going out with their family? (I’m talking about siblings, parents, cousins, etc.) Tear down these artificial social barriers in your life and find a way to weave family and friends into your social scene.
10) And this last point was number 10 on the first Black Family movement post but it bears repeating; the best reason is just because. This relates to everything.
And if you haven’t noticed, I end every post with “Stay up fam,” because we are all family. I don’t care how much of our bloodline we have in common because we all come from a great people whose sacrifices, love, and hard work made it possible for us to be here today.
“If you want to be somebody/If you want to go somewhere/ You better wake up and pay attention”
-Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
“The seeds of great discoveries are constantly floating around us, but they only take root in minds well-prepared to receive it.”
-Scoop Jackson
“It means so much just to be present and bring all of yourself to the task at hand.”
-Cory Nettles
It is a miracle. Whatever we devote our attention to automatically grows and flourishes, because it is a tell tale sign of focus/priority. For instance, my mother has house plants over twenty years old, yet they grow to the ceiling. I thought it weird that as she cared for them, she spoke to them also. I always wondered what it is you say to a plant to make it grow, but what I realized is that it did not matter. The important thing only that time was taken out to tend to the needs of the plants at the moment.
The Gravamen
Attention is linked and rooted in so many other things. And based on the context, can be called many different names. One of the most valuable gifts we can offer to others is our undivided attention. I recently participated in a conference where we performed a listening exercise. For a few minutes, I sat across from my partner and “beamed” at them while they talked about whatever they wanted. Then it was my turn, but I could not respond to what had been said before. It was a little unsettling at first to have someone so intently focused on you. Yet, it helped sort out some things I did not know was there. I realized that having that attention is all too rare, although it costs us nothing.
Why Don’t More People Pay Attention
All of us have dealt with an individual who was not attentive and the frustration that comes as a result, yet how often do we find ourselves doing the same thing. Most of us live day to day on autopilot anyway. How much of your day are you conscious of what you are doing? How much is involved in active thinking and analyzing?
This normally plays itself out on the phone. During phone conversations, we are doing the dishes, talking to other people, watching other people. So many things compete for our attention and time is so limited, it is difficult to really “beam” in on the person/conversation/task. But I cannot help but wonder how many things pass us by because of this. Think about it, when was the last time you were totally present in a conversation or activity. Your mind did not wander, you were not multi-tasking, but you were completely focused on what was in front of you. I have found that life is far more rewarding when we are present and ready for action.
Inattentiveness can be a coping mechanism because with awareness, comes responsibility. I refer to this as being “decidedly ignorant.” A lot of people make a conscious effort not to educate themselves. In this Age of Information, I am amazed at how little the general public knows about how things work (e.g. politics, the economy, government, etc.). What’s more, they take pride in not knowing. Perhaps, these issues are not immediate as opposed to meeting daily needs, so there is no urgency but these things are important nonetheless. I have learned that ignoring a problem will not make it go away. So it is best to “man up” and work with what you have (Shameless Plug: We can directly conteract this trend by directing people www.TheSuperSpade.com).
Pearls before Swine
Some of us place our attention on things that are negative or just plain dumb. Forgive me, but is what is going on with Britney, Paris or Brad going to help you pay your bills. Sure, the beautiful people can be interesting and watching someone else’s life can be relaxing. However, some people get so wrapped up in things that do not matter or in other folks’ business, that they life is in shambles. They commit a cardinal sin: letting other people problems become their own.
People also have the tendency to only focus on the negative. One little thing happens and their day is shot. A change of focus is needed. Too many individuals are problem orientated instead of solution motivated. The church mothers said it best, “When God closes a door, he opens a window.”
Make sure you are handling your business and maintain proper perspective.
I want to cater to you…: A Sidebar
Attention varies based on the situation and context. And different things require varying levels of our attention. No doubt, you can wash the dishes and talk on the phone at the same time, and do a pretty good job. But if you want to do a great job (e.g. company is coming over), then you have to focus to drill down into the detail. This is more so true in the area of relationships.
There is a song called “Cater to You” by Destiny’s Child in which they discuss pampering their man. Yet so many of my female friends were offended by the song and dismissed it as sexist and one sided. However, I took it to illustrate the mutual concern and attention that is necessary for true intimacy. If your counterpart is doing their part, why not pamper them every once and a while. A little gratitude goes a long way.
It is unsettling to me how my generation and the generations that follow treat love and companionship as a pure arm’s length business transaction, where everyone is after their own interest. I have seen numerous individuals who consciously or unconsciously disregard the needs of their partners, or seem indifferent, but expect the world in return. This inattentiveness is selfishness. This type of relationship cannot prosper. In any relationship, we should key into what we can bring to the situation. How can we make it better? Giving it the attention and priority required. I believe that this is the key to a thriving relationship and what is meant by a helpmate.
In the End
Being attentive takes discipline and can be exhausting. Why? Because attention is not just attention, it demands so much more. The antenna does not need to be up all of the time. Sometimes, you do need mindless activity-it is called relaxation. But habitual inattentiveness is detrimental because it lulls us into a false sense of security; especially when it comes to people. God gave us five senses for a reason. Use them.
If you are alert, then you are harder to deceive.
Where your attention is, your heart will follow.
Attention is a commodity, spend it wisely.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: Who or what is currently holding your attention and why?
If you have been or are sexually active, then you probably have a good idea of how tough those conversations can be. You know what makes me mad though? When I graduated from high school and from college, I was so happy to say to myself, “I’m glad I don’t have any kids.” It’s almost like I was more proud of not having kids than getting my degree. Now if you have kids I am not knocking you, please believe.
But I hate how common it is for people to have had to seriously contemplate having a baby. You know what I’m talking about, missed periods, broken condoms, birth control, pregnancy tests, the list goes on. And I wish I had some great insightful question to toss out there, but I don’t. I am just tired of hearing how common that experience is amongst my peers.
You know what I hate? It’s when Black people who have somewhat of a handle on managing their money don’t pass on that information to other people. We here at Superspade are well aware of all the financial trials that Black people face on a regular. (Like when the only “good” groceries you get are the week after payday but you’re eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches the week of payday) But rarely do you see discussions focused on the tools others have used to reach their financial goals. This is where you come in.
If you have made some moves financially, whether it was learning how to budget or buy stocks, or you want to know how others have done it, you need to make your presence known on this post. I’ll go first. I am a recent college graduate and I am currently working my first “real” job. As such, there are several things I learned that have really helped me out. For starters, I realized the difference between needs and wants. For example, I used to buy Reynold’s Wrap just because I saw it on TV. But did I really need name brand aluminum foil? Probably not, so I made the switch. And if you multiply this example many times over, you will get an idea of how I spend my money.
The other thing I learned was balancing a checkbook didn’t help me keep things in perspective. So I started a budget in Excel such that I have three columns for each pay period. The first column shows all the money I have coming in and the second column shows all the bills and expenses I have to pay. The third column is my cash flow that I use to keep track of everything I pay with cash. The advantage I found with this method is that by using addition and subtraction functions within Excel, bills never sneak up on me and I can quickly see where I can cut back and where I am spending too much. Now I still use my checkbook but using Excel helps me see the big picture.
I have also started to take out cash that is strictly used for groceries and gas. For example, on a typical week I may spend anywhere between $30 and $40 on gas so I take out $40 for gas and I keep track of gas spending in my Excel spreadsheet as well. The same thing goes for food. I make a point to shop once a week and I am one of those people who shop with a calculator, notebook, and pen. Because I know it’s hard for me to put something back after the cashier rang up my bill, even if I am over budget. So rather than cross my fingers, I already know how much I am getting before I get in line.
Right now, I am preparing to go to Law school in fall of 2007 but I don’t know how people make the financial transition from working full time to going to school full time. So for all my Superspades who have been there, help a brother out.
For all my shareholders out there, what books/websites were helpful in allowing you to get a handle on investing?
I want everyone reading this post to put a comment that shows something you learned to help you financially and something you would like to know. Because whether you are in high school, a college graduate, or a seasoned investor, we are all in this together and we learn as we go. And while you may think your financial woes will end if you made more money, they won’t unless you learn how to budget, save, and invest. Essentially, I am tired of Black folk getting all riled up over anything political, but get all quiet when someone asks us about our finances. Let’s step our game up because solutions have a weird way of canceling out sorrows.
“Death is nothing, but to live defeated is to die everyday.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte
“While knowing that we will die someday, we think that all the others will die before us and that we will be the last to go. Death seems a long way off. Is this not shallow thinking? It is worthless and is only a joke within a dream…Insofar as death is always at one’s door, one should make sufficient effort to act quickly.”
-Hagakure: The Book of the Samarai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo
Once in college, a friend of Garlin’s and I came to us with a request. She admired our focus and point of view and she wanted us to mentor a young man, whom she thought had potential. We agreed to meet this young man and we did. However, we knew something was a little off.Garlin and I unanimously declined to take this young man under our tutelage. When asked why, we told her that he was not hungry. She looked perplexed, and we explained that we could look in his eyes and tell that this relationship would not work out.
When the student is ready, the master will appear…
In my first article, I wrote about the importance of passion. But then I realized that hunger was deeper than passion. It is passion taken to the next level. If passion is a flame, then hunger is a five alarm blaze. A person can pick and choose his passion, but hunger permeates your whole existence. It is a yearning mixed with a little desperation. It is the result of discipline, inner toughness, clarity of vision and a sense of urgency.
Hunger is what separated Michael Jordan from every other basketball player. People talked of Mike’s competitive streak and his killer instinct. But it was his hunger that drove him to constantly push himself to new heights. His hunger is what allowed him take over games anytime he wanted. This is what separates the good from the great.
When a person is hungry, failure is not an option because there are no other options but to reach your objective. This single-mindedness is the essence of the warrior mentality. Warriors are not concerned with death and they do not waste time or resources, but focus everything into execution. A warrior is keenly aware that this moment could well be his last.
Back Against the Wall
People with hunger act with frenetic energy. If you are tired, then you are probably bored. Therefore, it is essential that you seek new challenges to tap into new energy. A lack of energy=a lack of challenge. If you find yourself uninspired, lacking conviction and motivation, then it may be time for a change.
First, remove distractions. I spoke about this before, but it bears repeating. Next, make yourself uncomfortable. Be thankful, but be uncomfortable. This comes from a realization of your potential and how far you have to go in order to reach that. By facing risk, you must rise to the challenge. It could come internally or externally. It could be you have something to prove. Once people understand what they are really capable of and that they can have anything, they tend to work tirelessly to manifest that. Lastly, do not waste time.
If there is one thing I loathe is a person who wastes time. I learned early to take decisive and consistent action. It is possible to be hungry and to procrastinate. People who do this are generally known as bums. The point of hunger is to act with urgency and seize the moment. People who squander this precious resource or have no concept of timing demonstrate a fundamental ignorance or indifference that cannot result in success. Avoid these individuals; they have no control of their lives.
I will leave you with this…
My senior year of college, I ate Ramen noodles and two hot dogs pretty much every day. I had two jobs and seventeen credits. Yet, I received my highest grades during this time. I knew I had come too far to quit and that if I could succeed under these conditions, I could conquer anything. I grew to relish the pressure and the opportunity to prove myself. Knowing that the time would come, the hunger drove me to prepare.
At times, I have allowed the blaze to settle into a flame. When that occurs, it normally signals a change needs to be made. If you find yourself in this predicament, you also might consider making a change. Get hungry for change. Get hungry for greatness. Get hungry for better relationships. Get hungry for righteousness. Get hungry for LIFE. Dig deep, find the courage, and make that jump. When you do, don’t take “no” for an answer.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a hero dies but one.
Do not let compromise, timidity and apathy squelch the blaze.
Bon Vivant.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: What do you do to feed your hunger?
What is the most important priority in your life? I am willing to bet that whether your actions said so or not, you would say, “My relationship with God.” But when it comes to making actual sacrifices, isn’t easier to make sacrifices for your family than it is for God? So is your family more important than God?This post was inspired by a sermon I heard on Sunday regarding putting God before your family. The pastor started the message by asking the congregation, “Why do you feel the need to skip church when you have family in town?” Everyone was cracking up because for anyone who grew up in the church, they knew that there was a grain of truth to what he was saying. The pastor went on to explain how churchgoers who attend regularly don’t see the big deal with skipping one Sunday to entertain family. He then compared this situation to Samson and Delilah and how Samson didn’t see the harm in just spending a little time with Delilah. Of course, attending church in and of itself is not equivalent to your relationship with God but attending church is an important aspect of maintaining your relationship with God.
I didn’t particularly agree with the pastor’s characterization but the point of the pastor’s sermon was to note that it is very easy for people to allow their relationship with God to take a back seat to their family. One example he gave was whether or not our goals are driven by wanting to make our families happy as opposed to pleasing God. And I can’t front because during the big events in my life, (i.e. graduating from high school and college) my biggest joy was grounded in wanting to make my family proud. Now I would say that my desire to please my family is not unreasonable but then again, I could be wrong and so could you.
And there are other times when pleasing your family is not the issue but trying to help them through tough dire financial straits. The pastor talked about how tithing can and does take a nosedive when our family needs money. He likened this to a lack of faith in God and an over reliance on your own financial means. The scripture he used to support this point was found in I Kings 17:10-16 that reads;
10 So he arose and went to Zarephath. And when he came to the gate of the city,
behold, the widow woman [was] there gathering of sticks: and he called to her,
and said, Fetch me, I pray thee, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.
11 And as she was going to fetch [it], he called to her, and said, Bring me, I
pray thee, a morsel of bread in thine hand. 12 And she said, [As] the LORD thy
God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little
oil in a cruse: and, behold, I [am] gathering two sticks, that I may go in and
dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die. 13 And Elijah said unto
her, Fear not; go [and] do as thou hast said: but make me thereof a little cake
first, and bring [it] unto me, and after make for thee and for thy son. 14 For
thus saith the LORD God of Israel, the barrel of meal shall not waste, neither
shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day [that] the LORD sendeth rain upon the
earth. 15 And she went and did according to the saying of Elijah: and she, and
he, and her house, did eat [many] days. 16 [And] the barrel of meal wasted not,
neither did the cruse of oil fail, according to the word of the LORD, which he
spake by Elijah.
If the KJV is difficult to understand, what happened in this passage was that Elijah (a prophet) asked a widow woman for a meal. However, she responded by saying that I’d like to but I am on my last meal and once I make it for my son and I, we are going to die. But God, still speaking through Elijah said make a meal for me first and then make a meal for you and your son. Once she did this, she was rewarded with food for many days.
I understand the logic behind this such that God didn’t need her food, but He needed someone who had enough faith that he can trust with His blessings. But I don’t know if I have enough faith to let someone else eat before I let my child eat. And then I came across a verse in I Timothy 5:8 that states, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” How do you account for this difference?
I don’t know but what I do know is that those who call themselves Christians are disciples of God. Again, we see an example in the Bible of where God challenges us to get our priorities straight. Luke 9:57-62 reads,
57 As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you
wherever you go.” 58 Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have
nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” 59 He said to another
man, “Follow me.” But the man replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my
father.” 60 Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and
proclaim the kingdom of God.” 61 Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord;
but first let me go back and say good bye to my family.” 62 Jesus replied, “No
one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the
kingdom of God.”
Now I know many of us have read that passage before and thought to ourselves, “If Jesus asked me to follow him, I would drop everything and follow Him.” But would you really? I think many of us have been desensitized to the idea of let the dead bury the dead, but seriously, could you see yourself doing something as gargantuan as following Jesus without calling Mom saying, “Hey Ma, I am about to follow Jesus, I might not see you again but I’ll call you later.” Do you have that type of conviction? By now I hope I don’t have to bring up the agony of Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac but I thought I’d mention it anyway.
So what’s the point? Well, I haven’t come up with any grand answers because if anything, I’ve created more questions for myself. I just think that when people say God is the most important aspect of their lives, when this is tested against the Bible, cracks start to show. And to be clear, I was raised on the idea of ranked priorities but I have revised my conception of priorities that reflect a circle with God in the center and my priorities spread along the circumference. My challenge is making sure that God maintains the center of my life and making sure I allow God to touch all of my priorities, including my family. So do you let God touch your family or does your family have a circle of its own?
Greetings and salutations. This week, in celebration of my upcoming birthday, I thought I might switch it up and give you a medley of some observations and words that I live by. Some are homespun wisdom, others are cliché, and others still are things I have picked up from friends and family. However, they are simple. At some point or another, they have helped me and hopefully they can do you some good. This is by no means an exhaustive list, and I welcome you to share your own “life lessons.” So in no particular order of importance…
1. Whenever something bad happens, remember, it could be much worse…
2. Hope for the best, but plan for the worse…
3. Always have a plan B and sometimes a C or a D…
4. You are going to be old for a longer time than you are going to be young, so make good decisions in your youth…
5. If you are talking, then you are not listening…
6. Trust is harder to come by than love…
7. A lie is worse than murder (Pops)…
8. Talent without character will lead to destruction…
9. Karma is real…
10. It is better to ask for forgiveness than for permission…
11. If you win, everyone loves you (Kobe)…
12. True liberation is to not need the validation of others…
13. Business is like dating, you cannot do it with everybody (Moms)…
14. Deal with people on their level…
15. The first laws of nature are self-preservation and balance…
16. If everyone is in agreement, then no one is thinking…
17. Tomorrow is not promised…
18. Our most precious commodity: Time
19. Know your personnel (Garlin)…
20. Make allowance for human frailty…
21. It is business, never personal…
22. Life will always give you a second chance, if you are willing to start over…
23. Know your personnel (Garlin)…
24. Scared money don’t make money (K Barki)…
25. When the grass is cut, the snakes will show (Jay-Z)…
26. You can survive an entire summer off of Ramen and grape soda…
27. Living with multiple women is highly overrated…
28. There are some things we are not meant to know, and others we are not meant to have…
29. What you cannot see is often more real than what you can…
30. Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce and Ranch dressing can go on everything (Clarence)…
31. Emotions are to be felt…
32. The truth is not always simple…
33. My generation’s music will never be as good as my parent’s…
34. The older I get, the less important money becomes…
35. In life there are farmers and there are cows, what are you? (Daniel)…
36. When the cow’s in the ditch, what do you do? You get ‘em out (Whatever that means. Thanks Bob).
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”
-Henry David Thoreau
As the New Year approached, I asked everyone I came across what they wanted the most for the New Year. I was expecting a myriad of answers, but surprisingly, I received the same response: more vision, more clarity. In this “purpose-driven” society, it is apparent that many people are either unsure that they are doing what they are supposed to at this present time. Currently, it is popular advice to pursue your passion, make sure you like what you are doing. But sometimes it is not that easy. When I was working in Corporate America, I was astounded at how many people were unhappy in their positions or were in positions that were not a good fit for them. Those that tried to move were often “pigeon-holed” or the politics made it impossible. It was often a depressing sight to see that the majority of these individuals would never realize their full potential.
The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living
One of the greatest fears and possible nightmares is to be trapped in a situation that 1. Is not of your own creating 2. Not in line with your passion. Take a survey, and rare is the individual who is truly happy with where they are in life and like what they are doing. Why is this the rule and not the exception? I have come to three conclusions: 1. Lack of foresight 2. Loss of foresight 3. Change in priorities.
My friend Garlin loves to quote the Biblical truth that people perish for a lack of knowledge. If you do not want to go anywhere, any road will get you there. For most people this is not the problem. Number two is what gets you. Life is full of so many distractions, that it is easy to lose sight of the big picture. This is one of my primary fears, because complacency is real.
But what eventually happens, people find peace and contentment in something else. Normally, family, children or faith makes the politics on the job and the sacrifice worth it. But for those who do not have these or something to live for, mid-life crisis and depression are not far behind. As human beings, we can only plan so far ahead because tomorrow is not promised, but at least we should know how we arrived where we are.
Tiny Rudder, Big Ship
A change in priorities is fine, but that still does not address the issue of unrealized potential and purpose. When you die, will you be able to say that you fulfilled your destiny? There has always been a real tension between looking toward the future and living for today.
In college, my roommate Bobby and I took a Game theory economics course. The material did not come as easy for me as it did Bobby, so I needed his expertise. But it would always frustrate me because Bobby’s explanations revolved around this concept of “Sub-game equilibrium”. In game theory, this concept says that based on the long-term goal, there is an optimum step or strategy at every step leading up to the desired outcome. If an individual does what is best for them at every moment in time, then they will eventually get to their desired end.
Applied to life, this means that there is a time and a place for everything. It would be nice to know what we are here for and just do that, but we are limited in this regard. Furthermore, a large part of the joy in life is the discovery process, because it is the journey and not necessarily the destination that is important. Therefore, if we do what is best for us in the now, I believe we will eventually reach this desired end. It is not a perfect correlation, but once we know that we have made a misstep, it is up to us to change course and be ever mindful of the adjustment that is necessary.
A little advice…
The present is so important. Much of life is spent either looking forward or looking backward. It is extremely difficult to just be in the present and have faith that you are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing at this very moment. In the present, it is important to look for the lesson or how this experience or milestone fits into the grand scheme of things. I believe our destiny is wrapped in what we enjoy doing or our passion/gifts. What happens a lot of times is that people fail to truly own their talents and gifts, when that is their vehicle to greatness. Even worse, they are mistaken as to what these gifts are.
The important thing is to have a sense of where you want to go, but you do not have to know it all. But keep an eye on the future.
Life is far too precious and too short to be unhappy. Everyday presents new possibilities and opportunity. Just to have this time and have your needs met is a blessing in and of itself. Yet, maximize the moment, because all you truly have is the now.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: How are you discovering your purpose?
The Most Important Relationship You Will Ever Have
“These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men”
-Isaiah 29:13
As the final week of Love Month, I struggled with how to close out this series. I began to reminisce on the times I have felt love and been loved, when I have experienced tough love and had to sacrifice. I really wanted to understand the character of love and its effect on me as a person. Eventually, as I followed this line of thought, I came to how I have developed as a person and how my understanding of God developed over time. Now walk with me for a moment. I am not doing an altar call or nothing like that, and I do not expect to win any popularity contests, but this is too important to sweep under the rug.
I grew up in a Christian household, reading the Bible, praying before meals and going to Church on Sundays. Do not get me wrong, I broke my fair share of commandments, but I did what I thought a good Christian should do for the most part.
Make it real for you…
But as I entered manhood, and no one was there to “make” me go to Church, I began to question my upbringing. Not that I wanted to switch religions or anything, but I had become frustrated with the imposition of rules and judgment by other people. I was tired of people bringing God into things He had no part of. I did not like what I had seen and the world I was entering. My interactions with others just caused more confusion. So I went through this real selfish phase, where I was just out for me. I was going to “figure it out for myself”. I was not going to bother God with the small everyday things, I would just tap him for the “big stuff.” I was full of pride. I wanted things to go my way and God to ride shotgun.
The reality was that I needed to get to know God for myself.
Up to this point, God had not yet become real to me, like really real. He was still in the sky.
You Got It Bad
One day, it sunk in that God wanted a relationship with me. I thought about how I acted when I first fell in love. Let me tell you, I love hard; it is all or nothing with me. So, when I fell in love with that special person, there was no more “me”, it was “us” from that day forward. When I looked around, everything reminded me of her. There is nothing I would not do or give if she needed or asked. And I didn’t expect anything in return. I was just glad to be able to come through for her. If she hurt me, I just couldn’t stop loving her, though I wanted to. I would not eat or sleep until things were right with us.
If I was having a bad day, just hearing her voice was enough to make everything all right. All I wanted to talk about was her. All roads lead back to her. I would move heaven and earth to make them happy. There were times when I did not have a dime to my name, but I would hustle up some change to make sure she did not have to go without. I was literally in my own world and she was queen.
This behavior was so irrational that people who have never experienced it think you are crazy. My family and friends thought I had developed a drug habit or something, because I was sooo not me anymore. I had lost all control and I did not care. I was consumed with love.
Once I experienced this, I understood it when in the Bible it said that God wants us to love Him with everything we have. It became real for me.
So from that day forward, I began to treat God as if He were a real person.
Love Makes Things Easy
A lot of people treat God as an option and not a necessity. Would you go days without saying anything to your significant other or children? How would you feel if your girlfriend or boyfriend never said “thank you” or “I love you”, ever? Or if you gave them everything they needed and wanted and they did not recognize how much effort you put forth and took you for granted?
If we treated people the way we treat God sometimes, no one would want anything to do with us. We would find ourselves alone very quickly. Yet, I believe that until you get that first relationship right, you cannot truly love others to your fullest potential.
The real question is why we treat God this way. Why do people treat God as a chore? For me, it was because I had not fully embraced God’s love. Love makes those things that are hard, easy. For example, if you love what you do, you can do it for hours. But if you hate it, time drags on. It is the same with spiritual matters. If you find that you possess this same attitude, and that you do not have the same joy doing what God wants or spending time seeking Him, then you might take a step back. It is a privilege to have God in our lives, because loving us is not easy. You and I are not good people all the time.
So how can we make a change? Make God real. Like human relationships, every one’s relationship with God will be different. Just like your marriage is going to be different than your best friends’ marriage. However, there are common traits that every normal and functional relationship has: good communication, concern, understanding, fidelity, etc. That is how you can measure the development of the relationship, by the fruit or characteristics of it.
In my generation, I run into a lot of my peers who use their distrust of the Church as a reason to not fully pursue their spiritual development. They think the pastors are crooked, the church folks were hypocrites, they would rather pay their tithes to a charity than to the Church and it was just phony. Others would say, “Well I just try to be a good person.”
I heard this with such frequency, I never stopped to think of it. When I did, I realized these statements arose out of ignorance and a misconception. If you think a pastor is crooked, you should not be a part of that ministry. You should go to a ministry that is not crooked. It is not about the church people being hypocrites, there are hypocrites inside and outside the church. If you have it all together, go and help those individuals out. Rare is the person whose words line up completely with their actions.
As far as tithes, you are not paying them to man, or an establishment, but because God wants you to. What the pastor or the church government does with those is between them and God, you did your part. And being a good person is just the beginning, God still wants to know you. And more importantly, that does not mean you know Him.
So the real issue is that people do not want to change. And when love comes, along with that comes the challenge to change and grow.
You Got It Bad
As with any relationship, it takes time and experience to develop. Maturity and perfection is a constant striving in order to manifest potential. Some days are going to be better than others, but the important point is to keep pressing forward. God is not going to send you to hell for a curse word or because you have a drink. But eventually He wants us to get to a place where we do not even have the desire to do the things we use to. God wants your heart. He knows it is a process, you should know it too.
It was not my intent to sermonize anyone. Everyone must walk their own path and come to their own spiritual awakening. Some people are further along than others. Nor am I saying that you should blindly adhere to any man’s doctrine or religion. Religion is no substitute for relationship. The truth is more than capable of withstanding scrutiny.
However, I felt I would be doing a great injustice to not at least touch on this. You may or may not agree with me. Even today, when an overwhelming majority of Americans profess to believe in God, the topic of religion is still an extremely sensitive subject. I am not saying I have it down. If I have learned anything this last year, it is that walking in love is not easy. I still struggle, I still want to do things my way, but I have to remember that there is no more “me”, it is “us”.
Take God out of Heaven and put Him in your heart.
Get to know God as a Father and Friend, in your own special way.
Walk in love. God is love.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: How did God become real to you?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”
As children, I am sure we have heard this phrase in one context or another from our parents in response to some wayward act on our parts. If you were like me, you could not help but scoff at this statement. However, as I began to get older, I understood that discipline/correction is an unpleasant but necessary part of a true love relationship.
I think back to the days when I could not wait to be free from the control and direction of my parents, when they could no longer punish me and I could do whatever I wanted. I have since learned that “grown folks” whippings is far worse than anything that my family could ever do. Life can inflict a pain all its own. Looking back, my parents did my siblings and I a tremendous service by correcting us out of love, rather than letting us learn everything the hard way.
I may not have always agreed with my parents or where they were coming from, but I always respected having that external point of view. And I knew that they only wanted the best for me.
“Open Rebuke is better than secret love”
This tough love is not easy to give nor is it easy to receive. Most of us would rather hear our praises than our faults. We would love to shower or be showered with tendering loving care. But that is not real. No one is all good and no one is all bad. Love is about truth and to not speak out when our loved one is wrong is to commit an egregious error.
So why can strangers, who may not have our best interest at heart, criticize us and not those who are closer?
At school or work, we learn how to take criticism because it is suppose to concern an external, objective product. Normally, your teacher or boss doesn’t have access to the real you. But your family, significant other and friends, they know you. When they say things, it hits a little closer to home. Their words put us on the defensive. They know how to hurt you, they know your weaknesses. However, is this reaction love? Love is predicated on a voluntary openness and vulnerability. Also, love takes a trust that those who you are in relationship with will not do anything to take advantage of that. If they would, then you may need to move some people around (but that is another article).
We discount what these individuals say because we did not like the delivery. But most of the time, it is something our conscience is already dealing with us about. We might say things like, “I don’t want to hear that” or “Mama doesn’t know what she is talking about.” But if you react, it must be worth a little consideration.
“If you correct a wise man, he will love you.”
In truth, our loved ones only want us to flourish. It truly is a sign of maturity to let someone from the outside looking in tell us about ourselves. However, when on the receiving end, we need to take a step back and see it from their viewpoint, and understand that whether right or wrong, they mean well. Check in with your “committee” of trusted personal advisors.
When we are giving the tough love, we need to be empathetic to the other person and speak to them in a way that will foster a productive exchange. The ultimate goal is communication and understanding.
This is not to say that there are not times when you just have to come out with it, rough and raw. You may have to cut them off for a time or take extreme measures to shield yourself from the repercussions. However, you want the other person to realize the effect their actions are having on you and on them. But understand, it is their decision to make. God gave us freewill for a reason. Let them take it for what it is worth and protect yourself from any unfortunate repercussions.
It is hard at first
We are going to lose our way from time to time. That is why it is invaluable to have people around you who remember who you are at your best and care enough to let you know when you are not reflecting that. This type of honesty and openness is rare and should be preserved at all costs. The party receiving it may not appreciate it at the time, but with a little patience, they will eventually get the message (resist the urge to say I told you so). If you find yourself getting that wake up call, step back and look at the motives of the person and if they have a valid assessment. If not, instead of shutting down, help them to understand you better. But it is imperative to listen to your conscience and remain true to your internal compass for better or worse. If your life is inconsistent with that, it will shine through sooner than later.
We only have so many people who truly love us in life, let’s not let situations alienate us from them.
Speak the truth in love, as hard as it may be.
Thanks to everyone who has ever done it for me. You know who you are.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: Can you recall an instance where you experienced some tough love?
I am sure you thinking, “heck yeah!” But have you ever thought about what effects your so-called “white lies” have on your conscious?
On a basic level, there are two questions most everyone hear everyday and most people routinely lie about everyday. The first is, “How are you doing?” And the variant of this question is, “How was your day?” And I would guess that often times you respond by saying, “Fine.” But what if you are having a bad day and you don’t care to divulge the details? Do you still say fine or do you say that you are having a bad day and care not to talk about it? You probably still respond by saying fine because you probably want to avoid the inevitable follow up question; “So why are you having a bad day?”
And I am guilty of this as anybody else, but I am striving towards being honest all the time, not just in so-called big lies. Because if you really think about it, every time we conceal that we are going through a hard time, we lose an opportunity for someone to give us advice or words of wisdom. Of course, I am not saying that you say everything to everyone, but there is a way of telling the truth that is clear and respectful. So when someone asks you how you are doing, just think about your response and whether or not you are being truthful.
And a more insidious form of lying that is harder to detect is lies of omission. A rough definition of a lie of omission involves information known to be important that is deliberately withheld. One example of a lie of omission involves a college student getting requesting an extension for a paper deadline claiming that he was sick. But if the student was sick because he was out drinking all night, then should that be considered a lie? I think it does and I could think of many more examples but I think you get my drift. So many of our conversations in everyday life are so scripted that lying I think has become somewhat of an accepted norm, but how do we break this cycle? I believe that there should be no hierarchy of sins, such that lying about murder and lying about your weight is still lying, and are both sins. It amazes me how lying has become the lubricant that our society uses to not offend others while often misleading people into thinking and therefore believing lies.
Stay up fam,
Brandon
And I have some discussion questions for you that I look forward to seeing in the comments section.
Are lies of omission really lies? And if not, why?
Is lying ever justified?
How do you the lies I described above affect your spiritual/moral life, if at all?
How have you overcome telling so-called “white lies”?
“Love is about the possibility of a thing. So when people say that the
love is gone…naw. What they really sayin’ is that they have exhausted
the possibilities.”
-Larenz Tate as Darius Lovehall in Love Jones
Well, well, well. Welcome to the second installation of the love
month. This week, we will be exploring arguably the most interesting
facet of love, romantic love between the sexes. Please bear with me.
These are just my reflections of what I have seen or experienced, so
do not take it as Gospel. Instead, think of them as talking points. If
you agree, weigh in, if not, say so also.
Now, in my simple mind, finding someone should not be that difficult.
Yet, my empirical data instructs me to the contrary. With the
commonality of cohabitation and divorce, relationships in this era
have taken on the flavor of a business transaction. As a result, there
is more of an arm’s-length approach to love. This especially is
noticeable during Valentine’s Day. The week leading up to Cupid’s
fiesta is marked by conflicting emotions. I have encountered three
women who said they were sending themselves flowers, three more who
said their Valentine was their mothers, and a general consensus that
men on a whole “don’t be actin’ right.” This no doubt is a sad state
of affairs, at least in my corner of the world (and I hope other
places are more cheerful than this). The guys on the other hand, have
a more diverse response. But most of the time, no matter what the
plans, it involves the word “budget”.
These interactions and sharp gender politics started me to thinking:
what is the problem? I am fortunate to know a lot of wonderful women,
and nearly all of them have consistent relationship issues. On the
level that I interact with them, I would think that they would be
great catches. So, I have come to two conclusions: 1. I really do not
know them all that well, or 2. it’s the people they are
attracted/dealing with.
As to point one, that could be true, but some of them I know very
well, so that is kind of moot. The second point has a little more
meat. Individuals will entertain those who they know they cannot
have a future with because of boredom or in hopes they can change them
or they are holding on to what was. These are the same people who will
tell me that they are looking for a “serious commitment” but they know
that whoever they with now is not who they are going to end up with. I
call this “dead-end dating.” Boredom or insecurity normally lies at
the bottom of this stack. You also have people who just take what
comes along with no direction or purpose. They say they are looking
for love, but every one of their actions is inconsistent with that
aim, they do not know what they are in the game for.
I believe that a large part of the problem is that few of us have
taken the time out to assess what it is we truly value, in ourselves
and in others. What types of people are we attracted to and why? What
does love look like for us? Love is a lot like barbeque sauce,
everyone has their own particular blend. We need to define it for
ourselves. After we define what we are looking for, be true to that.
Set your boundaries and expectations. Then, be patient. When you
find it, you can tell it is real when the other person makes you want
to be a better person and vice versa. The power of love is that it
allows you to catch a glimpse of your highest self and that is a
revelation of the truth.
My experience has refined what love looks like for me, and it is
still being refined. However, it is astounding how we make such an
important decision based purely on a gut level reaction. Initial
attraction is just the beginning. You need to know what it is going to
take to be successful and paint that perfect picture. It needs to be
colored not just with love, but patience, understanding, kindness and
communication. Highlight that with time and experience, the bedrock of
every relationship and you have created a masterpiece.
Love the one you’re with
Let me distinguish something here. There is a difference in dating
for fun and dating for commitment. If you are just out there having
fun, then do what you do. But it is another thing all together to
complain and state that you are ready for love and your
actions/personnel do not match up. I had to learn a long time ago that
there is a distinction between wanting something and being ready for
it. Just because you want something does not mean that you are
necessarily ready for it. And if you do not have what you want, then
most likely, you have preparation to do. It is a hard truth, but
repeatedly in my life, when I have been truly ready, everything fell
into place.
After the Love Is Gone…
So let’s say you have someone and you have been together for a while.
After sometime the passion cools. That newness wears off, you stop
doing the extra things, and start taking things for granted. I have
seen this time and time again. These couples that love each other, but
have not been madly in love with one another in sometime. It
is–unfortunate. There is a thin line between comfort and complacency.
The good news is and what a lot of people do not realize is that
passionate love is an emotion. And emotions can be created at will.
All you have to do is get back to basics. Think about how things were
at the beginning and go back to that. Create new possibilities and
experiences. Day-to-day life is already mundane enough; your
relationship should be an adventure. To get there, it is going to take
some honesty, communication, selflessness, and creativity. Every
relationship has its ebb and flow. As long as both parties are working
toward the same aim, then anything is surmountable. But it takes two
individuals working together, you cannot be in love with yourself. Be
willing to hold yourself and your relationship to the light.
Closing thoughts…
This has been a difficult piece, because it is so expansive. Just
know this, it begins with you. You have to know what you are in it
for, on what levels you are going to deal with people and be true to
that. I know it is not as cookie cutter as I have made it sound, but
it is a learning experience. If you have that special someone, make
sure you make time to enjoy life together. Do something different and
exciting. Your relationship is what you make it.
For those of you who have not had the best luck in this area, do not
lose hope. When you finally find what you are looking for, it will
definitely be worth it. Make sure you are prepared when it does.
Make every day a day of love.
Unleash the power of love, and unlock the power of truth.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the week: How do you know when you are in love?
February is often seen as the “Love Month”. It is the one Hallmark holiday where everything is drenched in pink and red. If you have a special someone, you celebrate it, if you don’t, you try to ignore it. Either way, this is society’s celebration of romantic love.
As a shy, young grade school boy, I loved this time. Believing that timing was everything, I would wait all school year to tell whoever I had a crush on that I liked them. This would take the form of gifts, chocolate or a note. Although we might exchange treats with the class, I always tried to make sure that special young lady stood out from all the rest. It might cost all of my meager allowance, but if it made her happy, it was worth it. Unfortunately, my best friend, who had a paper route, had a habit of liking the same girls as I, and would out-spend me, but I must say I put up a valiant effort.
I reflect on this because in our formative years, we really do not understand what love is about. We get sold all of these “happily ever after” fairy tales of princes and princess, but that is not what we see in the world. So we grow up looking for a dream or an illusion not of our own creating. As a result, disenchantment normally occurs and people create any number of coping mechanisms to deal with the disappointment: bitterness, denial, nonchalance. Yet others intuitively redefine this concept for themselves. This is fine, but often their concept of love is an outgrowth of negative experience or it is emotion divorced from corresponding action. Personally, my idea of love is heavily influenced by the Christian faith. This month, it is my desire to explore this defining human characteristic in an attempt to tap into the true power and also deepen our understanding.
As stated earlier, this concept is personalized from person to person, so it is imperative that we collaboratively reflect and share on our experience and ideals. I encourage all of us to lend us the benefit of your wisdom and experience by emailing thesuperspade@gmail.com or posting your comments at http://www.thesuperspade.com/
Love without a limit
I am infinitely interested in the “dark side” of love and human relationships in general; the parts most people will not tell you about. Somehow, in the course of growing up, my ideal of love became intimately linked with sacrifice. To me, you cannot have love without giving something of yourself. By definition, love is to seek and promote the general well-being of others. It is altruistic and self-less. Pure sacrifice hurts, but when you put love next to it, the blow softens because you are glad to be able perform. You will give all that you possess and be glad about it.
We witness this time and time again with our families. Parents constantly place the needs of their children in front of their own, and never really complain. Or mom/dad might give you something that they know you cannot ever give back to them. However, they do not hold it over your head. They see it as part of their obligation as parents. They are responsible for you.
Too often, we find ourselves involved with individuals who profess to love us, but they do not give anything of themselves. They consistently take and take, but when we are in need, they turn a blind eye to us. That is not love. Love without sacrifice will inevitably breed resentment.
In the New Testament, Jesus stated that where your treasure is, your heart will be also. Time and time again, you saw Jesus putting people’s love to the test, with the Rich Young Ruler, his disciples and the crowd. When he asked them to give away all that they possessed to follow Him, he could see where there love was and what they were really willing to give in order to prove it.
In a Broader Context
February is also Black History Month. With the recent passing of Mrs. Coretta Scott King and also Rosa Parks, I began to think about the Civil Rights Movement and the history of the African American people at large. What distinguished those leaders of yore from the leaders of today is their genuine love of their people and their liberty. Perhaps it is my own personal skepticism, but I am hard pressed to believe that the Montgomery Bus Boycotts could have happened today. Too many of us would be concerned about it being too cold, too hot, having to pick up the babies from daycare, etc. etc. We are talking about tremendous inconvenience and sacrifice on the parts of our ancestors in order to claim basic societal rights. But the love and hope for a better future for the children and society at large kept them moving onward and upward. It took tremendous love for the likes Malcolm and Martin to do what they did. But it also took tremendous sacrifice and strength on the parts of their wives to stand by them while they did so. So the one lesson I am going to take from this month is this: You cannot lead the people if you do not truly love the people. If we began to truly walk in love and seek the good of our brother, we would see more of that true leadership that has marked our history time and time again.
Let’s us honor those who have loved us enough to give even when it was not convenient.
Let love reign: Give more of yourself.
R.I.P. Coretta Scott King
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: How do you know when you are loved and what have you given to prove your love?
“A Wise man knows he knows nothing at all”
-Socrates
“A cup that is full is useless”
-Daniel DeVougas
While I was preparing for this article, I had a strange dream. I entered my kitchen after a long day of work. I was exhausted and all I wanted was a cup of water. I opened my cabinet and the first cup I pulled out has an unidentified jello-like substance in it. I think, “That is odd”, and proceed to pull another cup from the cabinet. Yet, the same substance is in the cup. Upon further inspection, each and every cup in my house is full of this mysterious liquid. I believe someone has played a sick joke on me and it is not funny. Out of sheer desperation, I cup my hands under the faucet and drink from there. But that still does not answer two fundamental questions: “What is it and how did it get in every single one of my cups?”
A lot of people are like those cups in my dream: they are unusable because they are full of everything but the right thing. It takes tremendous humility to constantly give and empty yourself in order to receive more. I know I struggle with it daily.
This concept of humility is a hard concept to grasp, and it really is not a popular subject. I did not expect it to be in this society full of self-promotion and inflated self-importance. My preliminary research yielded unfavorable results in that it was associated with such “weak” words such as modesty and submission. In fact, the major context that spoke of humility favorably was religion. Thus, I had to “fill in the gaps.”
A Paradigm Shift?
If most of the world’s religions stress humility as a pathway to the Higher Power, why is it so widely disdained? Perhaps we have a misunderstanding of what true humility is. People think that being humble is self-abasement, bowing, and scraping and the like. This is not true humility, it is a form affectation. So, allow me to submit my own definition of humility: A proper and right relationship in regards to yourself and others. Now let us differentiate this from arrogance and low self-esteem.
Arrogance is when you are only able to see your positive qualities and ignoring your faults at the expense of not recognizing the gifts and uniqueness of others. When you are in an arrogant mindset, you cannot receive anything because you are too busy transmitting. Either you are listening or you are talking. You can’t do both. So ask yourself, “Am I transmitting when I should be receiving and being open?”
Low self-esteem is only recognizing the gifts and uniqueness of others at the expense of your own. But humility allows you to celebrate the uniqueness and talents of yourself, while acknowledging those things that make other people special. In knowing this, you can be confident, because you know your strengths, but constantly work to learn from your weaknesses. Humility makes you want to serve.
It hurts doesn’t it? A hard pill to swallow.
Daily, I am humble by life, experience and interactions with others. I feel I have so much to learn and a long way to go (grad school has been especially humbling). But I am thankful to have the opportunity to learn and grow. And I feel blessed that I finally have begun to recognize this fact. However, few of us truly can grow and move on because our concept of self is eggshell fragile. It is truly a sign of maturity to be able to objectively look at yourself and also allow others to do so and tell you where you can be better. I know for myself, learning how to take constructive criticism is still a daily battle for two reasons: 1.) I often only want to hear the good about myself (I do relapse from time to time) and 2.) It is hard to trust the motives of others.
As for the first thing, that, as previously stated, is a maturity issue. But the second is a little deeper. People can be petty and mean, and seek to disrupt your inner equilibrium. Therefore, It is always important to only take into account those things which our spoken in the right spirit. I call this, “checking your sources” because not everyone’s opinion is worth listening to, not everybody has “good sense.” If we constantly go about trying to change ourselves for everybody and anybody, we become people pleasers. And the question becomes, “Are we pleasing the right people?” It is a privilege to allow others to speak into your life and effect change, and it should not be taken lightly.
Personally, I informally formed a small committee of individuals whom I allowed tell me about myself, and I would listen to them. They do not know they are on this committee, but it exists for me nonetheless. Everyone else, I might listen to, but their opinion did not weigh as much as those on this committee of trusted loved ones. If someone told me something I did not like or agree with, I tabled it to the committee for their review. If they said the same thing, then I knew I needed to take a look at myself.
Need some help?
In pursuing this right relationship with yourself and others, it is important to come to some realizations. One, this is a process and it will take time. You are not going to get everything in the first clip, everything is not going to workout smoothly. Therefore, do not get frustrated with yourself or give up. Stick to the process and press on. This could apply to any number of things, but we will keep it in this context.
Next, be accountable. It is important to not be afraid to be wrong or to fail because that is how you learn. In our society, mistakes are discouraged rather than encouraged. But how did we learn to walk? By falling and getting up and refining our technique. How did we get potty trained? These elementary examples illustrate exactly what John Maxwell says, that “failure is the price of success.” When I first met my boy Garlin, one of the first things I had to adjust to in our friendship is that he would tell me when I was being illogical or when I was wrong. Right then and there, no delay. But I trusted our friendship, and it has made me a better person. In fact, now that is a trait that I seek and respect from all of my close associates.
Also, when going through correction, look for concrete ways to refine your process. Keep the definition of insanity in mind. No one fails just to fail, no one goes through humility for the sake of staying there. You fail so you can learn to win. You humble yourself so you know how to handle success. I feel that this is universal law.
In closing, start failing and adjusting, and your success is right around the corner.
Be that empty cup and fill yourself with the right things. Once you are filled, pass it on to others.
A closed mouth does not get fed, but it can become wise.
“Attempting to sustain truth without humility is doomed instead to become an “arrogant caricature” of the truth.”
-Ghandi
“A wise person acts without claiming the results as his; he achieves his merit and does not rest (arrogantly) in it: — he does not wish to display his superiority.”
–Tao Te Ching
At the start of the show, Charlie Rose showed a clip of Gates asking Whoopi Goldberg why finding out her family background was so important. Whoopi replied, “Because we are the only people who have had their history stolen.” I was floored. And not because I didn’t agree with Whoopi but for all the Black history I have read in trying to connect and understand my people, I still feel that emptiness like someone stole something from me.
Therefore, I felt like I was learning about my own family’s history when I saw Roots and as Gates presented his findings to each participant. It was so interesting to see how giddy and anxious each person was to learn about their own history. And Gates made an interesting point by saying that everyone who participated was more interested in their genealogy rather than the genetics. That is to say the participants were not so interested in what percentage of their blood was White, Indian, etc., but rather they were more interested in the stories surrounding their family histories. Whether the stories were good or bad, you could almost sense the peace that befell each participant as if their life journey was now complete.
Another interesting point that Gates touched on was the implications of Blacks not knowing their family history. I think one obvious implication is the disconnect that exists between Africans and African-Americans. The other is the sense of destiny. I am always enamored when I hear people say, “I come from a long line of….”, or “My great great Grandpa used to…”. And after reading Barack Obama’s autobiography, I thought the best part of the book was when he went to Kenya to connect with his relatives on his father’s side. Like Obama, I think everyone, Blacks in particular, has a burning question that sits deep in their soul. Who am I? And life is sprinkled with clues to help answer that question. This is why I am inclined to think that if most Blacks knew for a fact which African country they were from, you would see more of an interest in Black people learning their history and being proud of their background.
I could be wrong but when you look at Black Caribbeans, the majority of the ones I know represent their country with a zeal that is electric. Now listen or watch any music video and you will see Black Americans representing their city or their block with the same amount of excitement as Black Caribbeans show for their country. Now just imagine if you heard rappers (who knew their ancestry) talk with pride about Mali, Angola, or Ethiopa? I think that would be very empowering because I am tempted to believe that it would be difficult to talk abut an African country while at the same time talking about drugs or killing. And again, I may be wrong.
But in any event, I suggest trying to trace your genealogy by at least asking questions of your older relatives. Because most of us probably can’t afford to get DNA analysis done of our families but at least through Henry Louis Gates, we can get a glimpse of what it may mean to find out our ancestry.
And just in case you were wondering, Gates asked the geneticist if he had any Indian in his bloodline, the geneticist said, “No, not one drop.”
African American Lives is showing on February 1st and 6th at 8pm, check your local listings.
I love sports. However, basketball is my favorite because it is my metaphor for life: the fast pace, the need to make instantaneous change and adjustments, the hours of dedication and practice, and having to deal with victory and defeat simultaneously. But growing up, I was more curious as to what separated the good players from the average, the good from the great, and the great from the excellent. What separated the average from the good could be explained by sheer talent. The great distinguished themselves by adding work to the talent. Yet, what set the excellent apart?
If you were like me, you marveled at players like Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Dr. J. People who perform at the pinnacle of their field usually inspire awe because they seem to be perfectly integrated with their pursuits. They are so integrated that no one seemed to notice the sweat and effort they poured in to reach that journey. Highlight films are suited to show flashes of greatness, which gives the impression of just pure natural ability, but what is lost are all the missed shots, missed dunks, and bad decisions. What is lost is the process that birthed the result.
*Par Excellence*
Excellence is denoted as superiority. This implies that you are the best internally and externally. That is not completely true. Success is really being the best. Excellence is being the best you can be. Excellence is really performing at an optimal level in every aspect of your life. It is when you match your practice with your potential. It is a personal standard. Success is more a condition while excellence is a state of being. Success is often talent driven while excellence is character driven. Excellence is process oriented, while success outcome oriented. Excellence is a lifestyle.
Because the two are often confused, people’s energies and motivations suffer. Do not get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with competition, it is a fact of life. But as any one will tell you, there are times where your best is not good enough. And just because you are successful does not mean you are excellent.
For example, there are people who are successful in their careers, but they are miserable in their personal life; or the student that gets the ‘A’, but did not really learn anything. One area is thriving at the expense of others. There is a lack of wholeness or integration. This is not true success. True success is an outgrowth of your own internal excellence. Excellence is the spirit of success. Therefore, we first need to define our pursuits. Are our efforts aimed at success or excellence?
Once that is done, we need to discover the process/journey/system to bring about our intent. The human body is nothing but the interactions of various systems performing processes designed to bring about a desired result. Nature has a process it follows. Everything works within the confines of a system, and that system brings about balance.
*Hopping on One Foot*
As you begin to discover and work your process, understand that excellence is inextricably linked to balance.
In the body, your ears and eyes must work together in order for you to walk. If you close your eyes and spin in a circle a few times, you will be off balance for a little while when you open your eyes again. The same occurs when your vision and understanding are not in alignment. Maintaining proper vision and understanding of your role is crucial in living a balance life.
One way to begin living a balance life is to do nourish your various components. Because I believe that the human body is comprised of mind, body and spirit, I try to not let a day go by in which I do not do something to enrich them. It takes tremendous discipline manage your day and to set aside the time to do this. However, this is what is necessary to maintain your mental, physical, and spiritual health.
This will also allow you to be more prepared and preparation breeds sensitivity, awareness and instinct. Great leaders eclipse the competition because they have a tremendous mental and spiritual edge that dwarfs their circumstances. They put in the time to exercise and expand these abilities so that they could remain cool in times of adversity.
*In the end*
If you look at any great person, you will see one common denominator that transcended success and worldly prestige, and that is love. It is the journey and its effect on you that makes life beautiful. Michael Jordan loved the game, so the journey was worth it. Michael Jordan’s love for the sport of basketball caused the world to sing “I want to be like Mike.” Love is contagious.
Excellence without genuine love is nothing more than a cheap impostor.
Let your light shine, and make it shine brighter everyday. It might help someone else see the way.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas
Question of the Week: What helps you achieve balance? How do you pursue
excellence?
“The Best way to improve your mind is to pay attention”
Growing up, I developed the habit of studying with the radio on. Everyday, my mother would come into my room and turn it off. She did not believe that I could really study with the background noise. My grades did not suffer, so eventually, I was left alone. However, I cannot help but wonder if my grades could have been higher if I had whole-heartedly focused on my studies.
Today, we have so many things vying for our attention: iPods, radio, and cell phones. The sheer amount of noise is astounding; it is a miracle we can even hear ourselves think.
Once I realized this, I made a commitment after New Year’s to go two weeks without any distractions, mainly the radio. If it did not need to be on, I did not cut it on; only the bare necessities. At first, the silence was deafening. I experienced something like musical withdrawal. But as the time progressed, my mind became clearer and my memory improved. It was amazing.
I also began to set aside an hour each day just to think and reflect on my past experiences and give thanks. I found that I slept better and I was a happier person. I put distractions in their proper place.
What I am trying to say…
One of the thoughts I struggled with was why is so much that is learned so quickly forgotten. I think back to all the inspirational things I have read, all the things I have learned in school, all the sermons I have sat through and how much is lost between my ears. It did not make sense because the mind is the greatest computer ever created. I reached the conclusion that it is because we do not take the time to truly aggregate and consolidate the information.
We fail to give important things adequate attention (in the name of multi-tasking) and then take the extra step. What is the extra step? Meditation. I am not talking about chanting and taking on a yoga posture. I am talking about contemplation and rumination. I am talking about studying the truth. We must turn over truths in our mind over and over until it becomes fact, and then we can take action. Too often, we act before we believe. Then we wonder why our situation has not changed or why we loose heart when adversity comes. Our actions are out of order. We must first Be, then we Do, then we can Have. But before we can Be, we need to cement what we believe. And meditation is the process that allows this to happen. By meditation, knowledge becomes wisdom. It makes your beliefs real to you.
If you can wrap your hands around the truth, regardless of the situation, your confession of that truth will not change. This conceptthat took a while for me to grasp. If there is one thing I hated, it was repetition. I thought I was some sort of phenom who could master anything the first time. However, the things I truly mastered, I spent an tremendous amount of time on. As the saying goes “repetition is the mother of knowledge.”
Changing your reality
Contemplation of truths is an ancient practice. Every religion has some sort of meditation as a form of devotion. Unfortunately, it seems this practice has been lost in the modern era because it takes time. In order to do this, we must be willing to devote the time. This means our time management must be in order.
Once we have made that commitment, we must be diligent in eliminating all distractions and focusing all of our energy on the task at hand. Engage the materials, whether it is a spiritual text or your memory. Take the time to slow down and listen, you will get more out of life this way. Anything less is recreational. After all of this, you are ready to take action because you have formed your base.
Let’s take these articles for example. If you read these articles every week, you will get more out of them if you go back and reread them, think about them, and see what you agree with or disagree with. Engage yourself. I guarantee the experience will be more rewarding than just giving them a passing glance.
Once you got it, you got it
Aside from the time and the discipline, meditation is hard because it challenges us. Once we know the truth about our actions and motivations, we face the challenge to change. Do our lives reflect the truth we know? Self-examination is an uncomfortable process, but it is crucial if we are to progress to a higher level.
My generation is one faced with economic challenges that are different from those of previous generations. The Christian Science Monitor has a nice story about this. We’ve talked about this before on The SuperSpade, but the issue isn’t going anywhere, and thus warrants further thought and action.
I have said it before and I will say it again: instant gratification, especially when applied to financial decisions, is a sure way to monetary suicide. I used to be under the impression that this was simply a Black problem. However, more and more I see my compatriots from all backgrounds and makeups drinking the same Kool-Aid. The article says:
“Compounding these generational challenges is what Ms. Yochim calls ‘incessant commercial wooing’…with commercials filling 20 minutes of every televised hour, she adds, ‘No wonder we all suffer from *the wants.*’”
This ‘incessant commercial wooing’ is the pull of instant gratification. It’s what says that Hummers are more important than Houses and platinum jewelry is more important than the debt that [usually] comes with it.
How do we break this cycle? It is obviously not enough to provide counterexamples. No, the approach must be much more personal. This knowledge must be transferred, like all wisdom, one on one. This follows from the notion that an individual can and often will make a better decision when taken out of the context of the masses. This is a charge to the wealthy of the current and previous and current generations to get a “Money Mentee.”
It is proven that the Apprentice Model of teaching is the most effective: learning by following an example. For the purposes of this exercise, we will call this the Mentor-Mentee Model. The qualifications are simple, to be a mentee, you simply have to have a desire to learn about how money works. You may or may not be in financial trouble, that doesn’t matter. In order to be a mentor, we ask a bit more.
The first criteria is that you must “have money.” Note please that “having money” does not equal “having income.” This means that the amount of money you make is not the only deciding factor in the amount of money you have. To be a mentor you will have to present demonstrated success of your own economic plan (how much you save, how much you invest, etc.). After all, you need to have something to tell the mentee.
The interaction is straightforward. Weekly conversations over the phone, at least bi-weekly electronic email communication, at-least monthly face-to-face interaction. The content of these interactions should include, but not be limited to:
- discussion of past financial success and failure stories
- discussion of finance related books to read
- discussion of finance resources available (newspapers, magazines, websites, etc.)
- apprentice/internship opportunities (if the mentor is a business owner)
- reference to financial advising centers
The list goes on to infinity, but you get the idea. Such a program will thrive on the personal interaction between the Money Mentor and the Money Mentee.
This is how we will slay the savage beast of irresponsibility.
“If you are willing to stand forever, you won’t be standing long.”
-Creflo Dollar
Lately, I have had seeds on my mind. I remember standing in my grandparents’
backyard, on warm summer evenings, spitting watermelon seeds into my
grandfather’s garden. To my surprise, by the end of the summer, some of
those seeds had begun to come up. It was always a great mystery to me that
my thoughtless act could yield such fruit. What I did not realize is that my
grandfather’s constant attention to his garden produced a side benefit for
me; regardless of how conducive the natural environment was to the seeds.
In this New Year, we are at the beginning of a new growing season. We have a
unique opportunity to plant new dreams, goals, and visions. We will be
careful to surround them with the right people and environments. However,
without diligent care and attention, all that effort will be for naught.
Diligence is the water, the X-factor for unleashing the potential of our
objectives. Diligence is faith and tenacity in action. It is when you
believe in something so much, that you back it with unwavering action until
it comes to fruition. Diligence is productive stubbornness.
Let’s return to the example of the seed. A seed finds itself in complete and
utter darkness, yet as long as the seed possesses the essentials; it begins
a trek where it pushes past soil and rocks until it breaks ground. It grows
simultaneously upward and downward.
In our own lives, we need this dual action if we are to reap a great harvest
this year. We may find ourselves in the darkness of despair and fear, but
like the seed, we must take heart. Faith will help us move upward and
diligence will provide the root that will move us to the light.
*So Hard To Find Good Help These Days*
Central to diligence, is persistence and consistence because it is the
conscious formation of a habit to bring about a desired result. In order to
be diligent, you must do what you are supposed to do when you are supposed
to do it. Therefore, there can be no slackness in any area pertaining to the
desired in. If you are diligent, day-in and day-out, increase and success
cannot help but result; because you have faithfully rooted yourself in the
object of desire.
In each of us, there is tremendous potential and power to bring forth all
that we could ever desire, yet it comes with a price. Ask yourself: What are
you willing to give to unearth this potential and are you willing to give it
over and over and over again, for as long as it takes? Few people are
willing to, and that is why so few reach that higher state of being.
Be one of the few.
Life is measured in inches, make every inch count.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
–
Garlin Gilchrist II
http://www.TheSuperSpade.com
Next to Christmas and my birthday, New Year’s is easily one of my favorite times of year. It is something about new beginnings and second chances that is particularly exciting. New Year’s resolutions was something I took very seriously. Everyday after Christmas, i wound hound everyone I came in contact with, asking them what was their New Year’s resolution for the next year, what did they hope to achieve. I received a variety of answers, from people who did not make them to those who did. However, my grandmother always give me the same, interesting answer every year. She would say, “Why wait until next year? Tomorrow is not promised, be a better person today.” As a child I never understood what she meant, but this year I think I finally understand.
Next to Christmas and my birthday, New Year’s is easily one of my favorite times of year. It is something about new beginnings and second chances that is particularly exciting. New Year’s resolutions was something I took very seriously. Everyday after Christmas, i wound hound everyone I came in contact with, asking them what was their New Year’s resolution for the next year, what did they hope to achieve. I received a variety of answers, from people who did not make them to those who did. However, my grandmother always give me the same, interesting answer every year. She would say, “Why wait until next year? Tomorrow is not promised, be a better person today.” As a child I never understood what she meant, but this year I think I finally understand.
The Present is a gift…
There is nothing especially magical about this ordained time. The practice of making New Year’s Resolutions is really a preliminary step to what we should be doing all year. Every day is a new beginning, a chance to bury yesterday’s failures and regrets and an opportunity to make things right. The spirit of New Year’s should be 24/7. Yet, how people approach this special time might be telling about the quality of life they currently enjoy.
Why is it that some people obtain their goals by year’s end, while the vast majority of individuals are beaten before they even begin? I believe the secret lies in the aims.
A Change is Gonna Come
Where most people fail in their aims is that they do not make lifestyle changes, they try to compartmentalize their change. Most people promise to lose weight, exercise three times a week, give up smoking or foul language. These are all admirable objectives, but they fail to understand the power of habits and their relationship to lifestyle. A lifestyle permeates every area of your life. It is a guiding principle that orders your action, words, and deeds. A lifestyle change is the difference between religion and spirituality. This goal and this objectives is so important that you allow it to reorganize every aspect of your daily existence. And the truth is, most of our resolutions are not daring enough. There is not enough at stake.
How can we turn the tide? First, we need to find out the truth about ourselves. There is a distinct difference between truth and facts. Facts tell you where you are now, but the truth reveals who you really are and what you are capable of. Something can be a fact, but it is not necessarily the truth, until we except it as so. Thus, the very first thing is to find out the truth about yourself. What motivates you? What are your principles and believes about yourself? Aligning your objectives with your core is extremely powerful. Once you know the truth about yourself, it cannot help but to make you free.
Second, we need to get angry. Anger is an extremely potent motivator, but in the hands of most individuals, it is just wasted energy. If we could begin to channel our anger and frustration into effective action, we would see some tangible results in our lives. Anger automatically brings a sense of urgency along with it that is always essential to undergo any change. We need to become angry with the status quo to the point we want to do something about it. If you do not like something, do something about it. Uproot those false truths that have become your reality and do not rest until you have conquered them. They are the habits that are keeping you from your destiny.
Third, after we have done some self-reflection, and we know what needs to go, we need strategies. Set SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-oriented). This will determine your level of dedication to the process. Once your goal has all the SMART characteristics, enlist a partner to hold you accountable. Your chances of success increase 50% when you get an outside party involved.
Lastly, be patient with yourself and the process. Change does not happen overnight, it comes by making consistent decisions and exposing ourselves to environments consistent with those decisions. Once you make the decision, stay the course with vigilance.
Parting Words
2006 is a year I feel will open new doors and possibilities for abundance and prosperity for all of us. Yet, you do not have to wait for the ball to drop in Time Square to begin to prepare for your destiny. The ability to implement positive change within is essential to fulfilling our purpose. Tomorrow truly is not promised, and the fact that we are all here today is a blessing in and of itself. Yet, who is to say we will be here to see this year’s end or the next. Thus, instead of constantly living in anticipation of the next big thing, appreciate the now.
With that said, I would like to wish everyone who reads this a happy and prosperous New Year. Whether I know you or not, you have been a tremendous blessing to by being apart of this initiative for positive change. Just taking the time out to read these articles every week means a great deal. We at the Weekly Dream and at www.theSuperSpade.com appreciate you more than you could ever know. God bless.
The Associated Press has an interesting story on why there currently exists no HIV vaccine (http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051226/NEWS07/512260307/1009). The article says:
“Private-sector efforts amount to just $100 million annually. This is mainly due to the lack of incentives for the private sector to invest in an AIDS vaccine – the science is difficult, and the developing countries that need a vaccine most are least able to pay.”
There are some who say HIV/AIDS is a manufactured disease; a biological weapon, if you will. Whether that is true or not, it is a sad moment in humanity’s history when one needs financial incentives to work towards eradicating a disease that exterminates millions annually. The selfishness and greed of man is perhaps the world’s mot amazing phenomenon.
What can we do? The International AIDS Vaccine Initiative (https://www.iavi.org/), mentioned in the article, is working on this problem in spite of the drug companies’ reluctance. Donations to this group are examples of grassroots dollars at work. I encourage you all to consider such organizations when deciding how to become a part of these efforts.
–
Garlin Gilchrist II
http://www.TheSuperSpade.com
Since I don’t know where to begin, I will just point you to the ridiculousness: G.W. is spying on individuals off the strength of them being Muslim and nothing more. They were looking for increased radiation levels?!?!?! I thought racial profiling didn’t exist? Oh, I get it, this is religious profiling, which is totally different and definitely legal.
“Why is everything that’s supposed to be bad, make me feel so good?”
-Kanye West “Addiction”
Why is faithfulness so rare? Why is it so hard to do the right thing? Why is it difficult to do what we are supposed to, when we are supposed to do it? Why does it feel so good to give in to temptation? In a “do what feels good culture” where Self and instant gratification is king, I cannot help but wonder, has the world always been this way?
As I have grown older, I have realized that being responsible is not always fun, and at times, exercising self-control is even less enjoyable. Yet, impulse control is a necessary evil. Restraint is a sign of maturity. As we matriculate from infancy to adulthood, we learn the proper time, place, and behavior for numerous situations. We learn that we cannot necessarily do what we want to do. We learn of things called consequences. Truly, all law and civilization is built upon this notion of self-government. The absence of self-government on a wide scale is hedonism and anarchy.
Does Temptation Have A Purpose?
However, there are countless individuals who live daily in personal anarchy. Their inner world is in ruins because they have no rule over their thoughts, words, emotions, or actions. When I encounter these individuals, I first try to limit my dealings with them and protect myself because they are capable of doing anything. Next, I begin to wonder how did they get this way? I believe a large part of it comes from how they handled temptation. Now, I am not talking about harmless temptations, like chocolate or a favorite desert when you are dieting, but those of a graver, more insidious nature. The kind that has the potential to wreak havoc in our personal lives.
Temptation as defined by Webster is “to entice to do wrong for the promise of pleasure or gain. A test or trial.” Temptation can come from various sources: boredom, greed, curiosity, lack of vision or conviction, and/or short-sightedness.
However, the temptation itself is not evil, it is a test, and tests are amoral. Temptation is nothing but a mirror that highlights weaknesses and character flaws. Like fire, it shows what we are really like underneath, and it is our response to the test that makes the difference.
For Every Action There is A Reaction
Every religion teaches self-denial and self-control. Why? First, because temptation is a Trojan Horse. It looks harmless and appealing at first, but ultimately has tragic repercussions. Every time we give in to temptation, we nurse a weakness. It is never good to indulge a weakness because it forms a habit, and a habit grows to an addiction, and addiction to the wrong thing ultimately ends in destruction in that area.
Second, you lose a piece of yourself every time you succumb. Yielding to temptation compromises your integrity with yourself and others. How can you trust yourself to do the right thing if you constantly make the wrong decision? You sacrifice your control in the situation. You will never reach your full potential until you master the difficult, bumpy areas of your character.
What happens is that individuals who indulge in this behavior begin to justify their lack of self control, and normally with lame excuses: “Everybody else was doing it. This won’t hurt anybody. It just happened, I was in the moment. I am grown, I can do what I want to do.” Displacing blame is not maturity, it is what children do. It is a way to deal with guilt or shame. We do not exist in a vacuum. And there are no such things as victimless crimes. Our actions affect others, and the fruits of our bad decisions are often eaten by those around us.
Resistance 101: Breakin Old Habits is so hard to do…
What can we do to give us an edge in this battle for self-control? The first thing that we can do is know what we are about. You must know yourself in order to be true to yourself. Know where you are going, and what decisions are consistent with this objective. It also means that you honestly assess your problem areas and head them off. This means removing the instrument of temptation from around you. If you are a smoker, get rid of all your lighters and cigarettes. Do not frequent those environments where smoking will occur. Find other ways to deal with the situations that made you want to smoke. This will save you from having to struggle within yourself. A willingness to remove your self from those situations and people are key, because we tend to attract things that make it easier to for the weakness to survive.
Secondly, be grateful for what you have. Temptation is closely related to greed in that you have what you need, but you want more and are willing to compromise your morals to get it. The grass is not necessarily greener. Just as the desire or temptation came, if you do not do anything with it, it will leave. Do not even give the temptation your attention in the form of curiosity. Don’t feel like you are missing out, because you are not. You must walk your own path and not anyone else’s.
Thirdly, try to make doing good as attractive as doing wrong. This can be accomplished by looking at the real costs and benefits associated with each action. What is the real reward for doing the right thing? What is the worse case scenario for giving in to the temptation and is it worth it? Is this the proper reaction to this situation?
If you do fall, do not lay there. Maturity is accountability. Until you master this test, you will continue to make the same mistakes and it will hinder you from growing and moving on. Admit you have made a mistake and attack it until you master it.
Vince Lombardi said it best, “It is not whether you get knocked down, but whether you get back up that matters.”
Final thoughts
Giving in to temptation does not make you a bad person. It is the habit of nursing unhealthy and unprofitable behavior that is the problem because it begins to harden our heart and conscience. Making a choice is not a one-time thing. Everyday, we must make the choice anew to do good and not evil; to shun those things that would take us from our destiny. Consistency in thought, word, and deed is what forges our character, irregardless of who or what is around.
Every great leader had to overcome temptation before they could progress to a higher level level. They had the choice to pursue a higher calling, to seek the greater good or satisfy their own selfish desires. Temptation always precedes greatness because if you cannot master yourself, how can you ever achieve your destiny? How will you behave when the stakes are high and others are counting on you? A person without self-control is like a city without walls, with no defense from external and adverse forces.
If you are not totally committed to your course at the outset, there can be no success, only defeat. We are called to meet the challenge, rise above and persevere; that is where the reward is. Let temptation be the stage that showcases your ability to come through in the clutch. Let it demonstrate your unwavering devotion to excellence and moral uprightness. In this world, there is only one thing that you can always control, and that is yourself.
Nothing is worth your integrity and your piece of mind.
On Christmas morning, I will be taking my nieces and nephews to do Meals on Wheels. In short, Meals on Wheels is a community service organization that serves hot meals to primarily elderly people that can’t enjoy a nice holiday meal due to either financial struggles or just not having an extended family that can take them in. I used to participate with Meals on Wheels when I was in high school and it is a very moving experience to see the joy on people’s faces when they see young people spending time away from their family to say Merry Christmas and hand them a hot meal.
I bring this up because I have had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I graduated from college, found a job, bought a car, etc. and I wanted to really pay homage to my family for sticking with me when times were rough. And the Bible talks about how your heart is where your treasure is, so I wanted to just splurge on my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. But one lesson that has hit me hard this year is that having a job doesn’t mean you have money. And with that, I couldn’t get everyone a gift like I wanted to and I have been really down about that. Of course, the holidays are not about material things but I got sidetracked with all the things I could buy with a regular income.
Anyways, my three beautiful sisters talked some sense into me and after we talked, I thought about my more memorable Holiday seasons and what made them so. Almost instantly, I thought about Meals on Wheels and I remembered the tears of joy from the surprises of elderly people thankful for the most basic necessities of life. And then I thought about how memorable it would be for my nieces and nephews to share in the joy of Meals on Wheels because when you do community service right before you open up your gifts, it makes you all the more grateful for the excesses you take for granted.
So if you are like me, (young, working, and broke for the holidays) just remember that “spending” your time doing community service will buy gifts that will last a lifetime. And if you have kids in your family who can only dream about that new Xbox 360 they are getting, ask their parents if you can take them out on Christmas Day to do some community service. This has been a really rough year for a lot of individuals so what better way to close it out than to do some good in your community.
Stay up fam and remember the reason for the season,
So last night I saw King Kong and I thought it was one of the best big budget movies this year. It felt like more of a summer blockbuster but with all of the crappy movies released this year, I suppose you have to take what you can get. Nevertheless, I really wanted to see Brokeback Mountain, the critically acclaimed movie about two gay cowboys. Unfortunately, it was only showing at one theatre in the entire state of Michigan during the week it was (at least I thought) to be released nation wide. So after seeing King Kong, I asked customer service why they were not showing Brokeback Mountain and the lady informed me that Brokeback Mountain was only released in 69 theatres nation wide, but the movie should be showing sometime in January.
I was furious because I tried to figure out why there were no more theatres willing to show the movie. I first thought of the conservative conspiracy to stifle widespread acceptance of gay people. I then thought of the careful and deliberate marketing campaign of director Ang Lee to slowly let his work seep its way into American theatres. And then I thought about how people conveniently find their religion/morals around the holidays. My point is that it is so funny how people covet the belongings of their neighbor, tell white lies, disrespect their parents (think about how many people you know who dread the thought of taking care of their parents when they are too old to take care of themselves), have extra-marital affairs; and all of these things and more are socially tolerable within the mainstream Christian faith, but once homosexuality comes up, so many people are ready to yell “Crucify him!” Last time I checked, if we assume that homosexuality is indeed a sin and God looks at all sin the same (obviously, capital punishment is a little tricky), what makes homosexuality number one on many conservative’s top ten sin list? And why can people not volunteer their time and money to help the poor but will write manifestos on how homosexuality is destroying American culture? Here’s my advice to all of the people who can’t handle a mainstream gay movie, no one is putting a gun to your head to make you see it. But if you dont’ want to judge people by their particular faults as you may see it, check out the movie because for all the 69s I know Americans are guilty of, Brokeback Mountain should have been released in more than 69 theatres,
The holiday season is a time for giving and reflection, but for department stores, it marks the busiest time of year. Homes across America are bombarded with coupons, commercials and circulars advertising the latest gadget or must-have item. Around this time, I cannot help but reminisce about the times my brothers and I would begin to submit our Christmas lists to our parents, in priority order, right after Thanksgiving. These preliminary lists would be rewritten and revised up until Christmas Eve. And like most children on that day, we tore open the presents my mother spent all night wrapping. Saying thank you was an afterthought. Nor did we appreciate the hard work and sacrifice it took to make this day possible. It was not until we were older that my brothers and I realized that we had Christmas year round.
As Adults…
This year, we have seen an unprecedented amount of tragedy: hurricanes, tsunamis, lay-offs and just general misfortune. Yet, in the midst of this widespread calamity, we can still take those we care about for granted.
It is easy to get wrapped up in material possessions, the pursuit of nice things and ourselves. Especially in today’s society, which is driven by rampant consumerism. Shows like MTV Cribs and Pimp My Ride, where celebrities flaunt their wealth and seem to be in constant competition with one another do not make it any easier to be content with what we have. The result is that people are working for things instead of personal fulfillment.
In trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” what is really important is lost. Like little children, we are always looking for what someone can offer us, instead of looking at the giver, and the worth of each individual. This might be acceptable in a business setting, but in our personal lives, people should not be treated as disposable. People are not things. We are more than what we do, what we wear and what we have.
Putting Gifts in Perspective
Gifts from those that care about us are reflections of their genuine feeling and concern. It is a tangible expression of emotion, absent of need and obligation. Gifts without emotion become junk. A lot of people have too much junk in their lives: relationships and pursuits that do not profit. For some reason, people form attachments to things that they have no real use for, either because they do not want anyone else to have it or they are comforted by its presence.
This holiday, root out all the junk in your life, all the relationships that bring only pain and disappointment. We know what these things are, we know who these people are. And instead of wasting energy on these things, celebrate those who make you happy, who are faithful, and always looking out for you best interest. Things are just things. These individuals are the true gifts in your life, because they give themselves.
A car cannot call and see how you are doing. A house will not comfort you when you are having a bad day. Your “bling” will not cheer you up when things get tough.
What Can I Do?
There is a practice that I think we all could benefit from, and that is C.I.A. (Consistency In Appreciation). We need to make a consistent effort to show our gratitude to our support system. The greatest enemy to love, giving, and sacrifice is ingratitude. Everyday, let those you care about know how you feel and the difference they have made in your life. This can take many different forms: a card, a letter, or a meal. Whatever you have to offer, give that in return.
You might say, “Why? So-and-so knows how I feel.” Well, you never know how long you will be able to let them know. Tomorrow is not promised, and a thank you today might be the last thank you that person may hear from you. And when they are gone, all you have left are regrets. Things you wish you had said, things you wish would have done. Do not get fixated on the gift, the Giver deserves some praise also.
Where your treasure is, your heart will be also. Make sure it is always in the right place.
The Best things in life truly are free. Happy Holidays and God Bless.
B and I obviously are on the same page with this financial stuff. Here is another story about my generation, which has more debt than any generation prior. We have been talking a lot on this blog about future money (or the lack there of), and this story is cut from the same fabric. Three posts (and probably many more); thrice the importance.
The story asserts that “this is the first generation who won’t necessarily do better than their parents.” That may or may not be true. Hybrid vigor is the rule, not the exception, or at least it has been up to this point. There are very few, very possible reasons that this trend could be discontinued:
1. The offspring of the previous generation are lazy and rest on the laurels of their parents
2. The progeny of the previous generation tries something new and fails (elimination by evolution)
3. There is no next generation
How does this apply to us? Are we lazy? Are we dommed to failure and elimination? Do we even exist? Don’t know a definitive answer to these questions, except maybe the third one. But I do know that this selfish generation is on a decent looking path towards #2. The problem with instant gratification is its tunnel vision. If you are ridiculously concerned with right now, you have no concept of building on the past and preparing for the future. I am not saying that the present is unimportant, but I am saying this:
If you had a choice between feeling good now or feeling good in a year, which would you choose? If you had a choice of having money now or having money in 10 years, which would you choose?
Instant gratification is gratifying. Delayed gratification is gratifying. Pardon me for a moment, but let’s just be stupid about it. If the goal is gratification, then shouldn’t I be just as happy if I get it in 10 years? Shouldn’t I be willing to work now so that I can be happy in 10 years, even if that means I am [temporarily] less happy (NOT unhappy, less happy) right now? If that is the case, then I have no need to run up credit card debt to buy trash I can’t afford now or ever.
What’s more dangerous? Terrorism, Violent extremism, Me-ism? I think I have a definitive answer to that one.
Anyone reading this blog who is in their twenties or thirties can attest to the difficulties of trying to maneuver through life and make relationships work. On the life side, many people in this stage of life are trying to negotiate undergrad, graduate school, starting careers, and relocating to different locations. Couple this with the fact with that many people look to get married by the time they are thirty give or take a couple years. So how are people supposed to make love and life work?
Many of us know people who have been in beautiful relationships that ended up not working out due to reasons often related to location. Whether it’s going to grad school in another state or taking a new job, long distance relationships are soon becoming (if not already) a required hurdle before two people jump the broom. So here is my advice to men.
For the guys who are in relationships and find themselves approaching a critical life/love juncture, you have to first and foremost open up your mouth and let your woman know what you want!! This should go without saying but many of us have difficulty expressing our emotions so if it is really hard, talk it out with a woman in your family and get some advice.
Aside from that, too many guys, (myself included) have these defined goals of what they think should be in place before they get married. I will use myself as an example. I think that my spiritual walk and my financials have to be tight before I propose. In my mind, these goals will provide a solid foundation for a fruitful marriage and I will remain resolute in this thinking regardless of how “ready” my companion may be otherwise.
This thinking is flawed because depending on how stubborn you are; you may lose a good thing by trying to make everything perfect. When a woman knows that you are down for the long haul, she will ride for you til the end. So if you find yourself thinking about changing up your plans, ( e.g. not getting caught up with getting married at a certain age or not obsessing over your salary) then that might mean you are finally on your way on becoming marriage ready. Because in case you forgot, marriage is all about compromising and many married men will tell you that you will end up giving in the most. So if you can’t compromise in the pre-marriage phase, what makes you think you are going to be Mr. Understanding when you do get married?
Additionally, before you propose you should think about why you want to do it. I came up with two reasons why a man shouldn’t propose. The first is desperation. Implicit in this mistake is getting married to fill in a missing piece by a certain time. Because as my good friend Garlin put it, “you don’t have to do anything right now.” Take a second and let it sink in. So if you have finished grad school, working, and feeling pressure from anyone (your girl or your family) for you to settle down and you are not ready yet, just know you don’t have to do it right now. Of course, I don’t mean wait until you are 60 years old but nevertheless, don’t live your live according to externalized expectations.
A similar but related problem is that of obligation. This is the thinking like, “Well, her parents like me and my parents like her so I guess we should just get married.” Marriage is not something you do just because there is nothing better to do. And just because your family likes your girl, it doesn’t mean that she is the one. There are a lot of women that will make your mother proud and may receive her approval. But so freakin’ what!!! Your mother won’t be getting married to this girl so try to avoid getting married to make your family proud. And lastly, try proposing because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and not because you haven’t found any one better “yet”.
All in all, keep your goals in mind and strive for them but don’t become a slave to them such that you never find fulfillment and happiness. And when love comes around, don’t put it on your task list but cherish it and be open to the changes that a new relationship may provide. More advice to come,
This post and the Third Parties and Independents WatchBlog got me thinking critically about voting. True, it doesn’t take much to get me thinking about politics, but this is kind of interesting.
Every election, there is at least one candidate running as the ‘reform’ candidate. This is the individual who wishes to be the antithesis to of the status quo. Most of the time these attempts are one part admirable, one part arguable. When choosing between X number of people, none of whom you trust, does it matter which one poisons your kool-aid?
Now, I may have (partially) disproved the point of this point just now. Let’s call that intellectual responsibility and due diligence. But I think it is an interesting concept worth debating. What if everybody that was so pissed off about everything that happens everywhere staged civic revolution? Sounds like something the ‘activists’ may want to consider. It could be attractive and effective since it is not partisan at all. It is a vote for an update.
How you choose which non-incumbent to vote for would be up to you. The only commitment would be to vote against the incumbent. Everybody could win, in theory, because any way you slice it, “a change gon’ come.” (Thank you Sam Cook)
Not sayin’ I’m all in for this strategy, but I think it may be worth discussing. I think I know of a group at Michigan that could determine if the idea has legitimacy or not. Big ups HEADS.
I read an interesting article entitled, Equality elusive for black Americans. What I really hated about this and other articles is that it was riddled with statistics that showed how Blacks have a ways to go to catch up to Whites. Why does it seem like any Black statistic won’t be published unless the corresponding White statistic be published along side it? And before I am mistaken, let me say that I believe in race based statistics but I get the feeling that White is the standard for success because so many times I have heard Black statistics defined as narrowing or expanding the Black-White (fill in the blank) divide. As a Black man, I don’t want Black success to be measured by White success and vice versa. And I don’t want White people to have a lesser quality of life so Black statistics will look better. For me, I just think it’s more important to see if Black folks are doing better (however defined) then they were yesterday and if that is not where White people are, then who cares?
Who are you? No seriously, who are you? Before you read on, take a minute to think about how you would answer that question. If you find yourself looking for words that don’t seem that moving, you are not alone. A friend of mine asked me that overwhelming question the other day and I got upset at myself because I didn’t like my textbook answer and I then I came up with something profound. I said, “I don’t know.” Then my friend broke down something she read in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer entitled, Your Sacred Self that talked about the implications of who we are as individuals.
I thought I would leave a lengthy excerpt for you.
“Who are you?” It is a question that is literally impossible to answer with words, because who we are is formless, and words belong to the world of form. The answer to this question does not come from the physical domain. Each of us is a soul with a body, rather than a body with a soul. Soul cannot be measured or observed with the tools that we use to observe the material world. Perhaps the best way to begin to answer the question is to look at what we are not. …..Just as the colors in this carpet are brought out by light but light is not the color, so is the world caused by you but you are not the world. That which creates sustains the world, you may call it God or providence, but ultimately you are proof that God exits, not the other way around. For before any question about God can be put, you must be there to put it.
Discard these names [i.e., ethnicity, gender, any and all labels] and you will identify with the realm of the spirit rather than the world of ego…The cries of nationalism, tribalism and theism have been the source of wars and of the slaughter of billions of human beings. You know in your heart, as do all who play out this game, that this is a violation of God’s laws, that it is inconsistent with the relationship of all the spiritual masters who have ever walked among us.
…be free by letting go of your personal history….[when you do this] what is left is the invisible, intangible you, which is the heart of the message in this book.
These passages bowled me over as I hope they did the same to you. And I have heard variations of these themes but I realized that I hadn’t quite applied those principles to their full extent. In particular, I am reminded of my textbook response to this perplexing question, “who are you?” I often think of my race (Black) and my gender (male). Then other traits and qualities fall as they may. But is that all I am? Of course not, but why use such limiting adjectives?”
One theory is that we are used to labeling and categorizing everything in our lives so that when a situation presents itself that is indefinable, it is often rejected. Take food for instance. I myself am very picky eater and I remember the first time I had mango and I asked the person offering what it tasted like. He responded, “It tastes like mango.” That reply wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted to know which fruit was most similar to mango. Now I know that that story is partly an explanation of my pickiness but it is also an accurate description of how many people approach life. Just think about all the hardened descriptions of a person you would have if you knew their age, race/ethnicity, education, geographical location, and income. But all of those things mean anything!!
And another part of the excerpt I like from the book is freeing yourself from your history. As a Black person, I don’t think I can let go of the pain and suffering of my ancestors and as a result, I often feed off the anger for those who suffered under Black enslavement. But wouldn’t my ancestor want me to remember their stories but live free of that anger? Of course, it just takes a lot of focus and determination on my part.
Personal history also includes the successes and failures we experienced in our own lives. I often find it funny though that no matter what, there is an ideal (or set of ideals) that we often strive for especially when we are young adults. But after I saw the Weatherman with Nicholas Cage, I heard something very profound when he said (and I am paraphrasing); “I always wanted to be respected, strong, honorable and all of these great things but as I got older, I whittled down those things and all that was left was me.” I encourage you to think about who you are because it will undoubtedly help give your life direction and help you realize all the good you have to offer this world. So who are you?
I have spent two months officially making my trek through corporate America. And one thing I know is that this 9-5 gig is kicking people’s butt! I often joke with my friends that I don’t understand how people can juggle work, marriage, children while staying sane. I readily admit my naivete given my age BUT seriously. Something has to give. People are working to die, not live. What’s really good? Thankfully, an article was released today in Christian Science Monitor that talked about a report showing the increased benefits of employers providing flexible work hours. Now let’s keep it real. Even if you could find things to do for the entire work day, you know that after about 3:30-4:00 no task is going to get your complete and undivided attention. And even if it is you are thinking, “This isn’t due by the end of the day, I will finish it first thing in the morning.” Therefore, you waste an hour and a half checking emails, doing online banking, or making task lists for what you have to do after work. (That might just be me.)
Nevertheless, I know that if I could leave at 3:30, I would still get all of my work done timely and accurately. The article stated, “For the business, it just matters that employees are best able to contribute and be productive so that the customers and internal shareholders are served.” In fact, one of the companies included was Deloitte and Touche and their managers had nothing but good things to say about the benefits of providing flexible work hours. Maybe if flex time became the norm, maybe people could remember why they work crazy hours and maybe, just maybe view their job as an interesting life activity as opposed to an activity that drives their live. Just think about the first question you ask when you meet someone. After their name, which you always forget, is what do you do? Maybe if we could provide some flexible work time, the answer to that question would be a lot more interesting.
About The SuperSpade
The SuperSpade: Black Thought at the Highest Level, is a forum that presents critical, intellectual perspectives on the current issues, seeking to elevate the level of Black political thought. The goal of this space is to provide actionable commentary on social, political, and personal issues affecting the daily ... Continue reading »
If the answer is “none,” go talk to a Black person older than 60. Maybe you “didn’t have time” last month, or you “already know everything,” but chances are that neither was/is the case. Learning history, though, is like starting to exercise: better late than never. Get moving.
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. Though I’ve been on a bit of an unofficial sabbatical, I am back with some great news.
Engage your family; learn about their politics, their philosophies on Black empowerment, and their thoughts on family and raising children. You would be surprised at how much you don’t know, trust me.