The Doctrine of Moral Inferiority (Updated)

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of Brandon Q. White and him alone. They do not reflect the views of his employer, or any professional or legal organization with which he is affiliated.

What’s up fam, I hope all is well.

I want to talk about a very serious relationship topic what I am tentatively calling the doctrine of moral inferiority. This idea was inspired by conversations I have had with Black women but I believe the principles transcend gender and culture. I am going to explain the doctrine, how I think it works in practice, and conclude with a special note for my sisters.

Michelle Obama and relationships

This message is dedicated to the fellas. No matter who you support to be President of the United States, you must admit that Michelle Obama is the type of woman you want to marry. She embodies the idea that beside every great man is a great woman. To be sure, there are women like Michelle Obama all across the country but men by and large find ways to mess things up. I compiled a list of what men do wrong that end up leaving women like Michelle Obama from finding their Barack.

1) We think that we have to be “established” before we can truly settle down in a serious relationship leaning towards marriage. This extends to work, graduate school, etc.

2) We wait too long to propose.

3) We put more emphasis on our bank account than our character.

4) We don’t get women on the come up, in other words, we try to wait until the flower is in full bloom before we make the pursuit and by that time, it is probably too late. For the brothers that went to undergrad, you know there are some women that you know you should have tried to step to but now you look stupid because you thought you could wait until you both finished graduate school.

5) We expect women to compromise their dreams for the relationship before we are willing to compromise ours.

6) We too often play the “You should already know how I feel” card. Man up and say what you have to say.

7) We use our work life as an emotional shield.

8. We delay talking to somebody (a professional) to better understand our approach towards women and relationships.

9) We rely too much on the numerical odds. Just because the odds favor educated Black men doesn’t mean that it is easy to find and maintain love. Don’t be the guy that makes Black women swear off Black men.

10) Be the woman you want to marry. In other words, if you want your wife to be saved and sanctified, then be saved and sanctified. If you want your wife to be in shape, then be in shape. The list continues but you get my point.

Now hopefully, if you are a guy and this post made you twinge a little….good. Make the change because this Valentine’s Day, there will be millions of women like Michelle Obama who are waiting for brothers like you to step up.

Stay up fam,

Brandon Q.

Why the gentrification hurts New Orleans’ future for Black people

There is now data to support the anecdotal evidence that Black folks are leaving New Orleans at a higher rate than white people.

Anyone who's been there wouldn't find this surprising. The places that are the focus of redevelopment areas are the ones that either Black folks never resided in in the first place or that poorer Black folks have been priced out of residing in now. Oh, the wonderful world of gentrification.

Unequally Yoked?: Introducing God into Your Relationship

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?  and what communion hath light with darkness?”

-2 Cor. 6:14

 ”For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart to follow after other gods: and his heart was not sincere with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father.”

-1 Kings 11:4

I was blessed to have grown up in a godly household.  I was thoroughly instructed in the way of the Lord and the Scriptures at an early age.  However, we often do not act according to what we know.  I was no different. 

Men and Celibacy

Many reading this title will think I am writing an oxymoron, but I am not. Steve sent me an article highlighting the growing numbers of men who are entering the no-sex zone.

According to Dr. Ian Kerner, a noted sex therapist and author of the forthcoming Sex Detox: A Relationship Rejuvenation Program for Everyone, research suggests that millions of otherwise-sane men have, at one time, chosen to take a break from sex—and, in many cases, masturbation and the consumption of sexual images in any form—in search of something deeper, safer or less complicated.

Step Your Game Up

If you cannot tell, I have a passion for relationship stuff.  Why?  Perhaps I am disturbed by the dysfunction I see every day.  Or it may be because I am disgusted with American society’s approach to love, friendships and relationships.  It could be because 90%of the disconnect between people are not that important at the end of the day.  Whatever it is, I am intrigued by the challenge of trying to make sense of it all. 

 What has been on my mind lately is how complacent people can be in their relationships.  It is disgusting.  When they are single, they go to the gym, shower regularly, make sure they are tight.  Then, once they have someone and they been together for awhile, they let their standards slip.  They stop doing those things to keep the passion alive and to keep the other person interested.  They settle into what I call the “Comfort Spiral.” 

The Weekly Dream: Unselfish Selfishness

“How can two walk together unless they be agreed?”

On my open thread two weeks back, Garlin asked me to write about what to do when what is best for you is not necessarily what is best for the relationship. Now, this is a very interesting and sensitive subject that can be approached from different angles.

Flashback: The SuperSpade in March of 2006

For people who may have just recently joined our site, we present an opportunity to get a taste of things we’ve talked about in the past. We’re going to start doing this once per month.

Here are some categorized highlights of The SuperSpade circa March 2006:

The State of Black Men
A Poverty of the Mind (1 comment)
Is the Black Man in America Doomed? (5 comments)

The Weekly Dream
Carpe Diem – The Purpose Driven Now
Life’s Lessons (6 comments)
The Hunger for More (4 comments)
General Indifference (5 comments)

Family-related
Is your family more important than God? (10 comments)
The Black Family Movement Part II (1 comment)
The Right to be a Deadbeat (4 comments)

Relationships
Are you late or late late? (6 comments)
Indifference, Insecurity, and Assumption Transference (4 comments)
A good Black man? (12 comments)

Politics
Why we went to war, Bush responds (2 comments)
Bush’s State of Iraq unveiled (2 comments)
In defense of Dubai (and Bush) (1 comment)
Bush warned of levees breaching in New Orleans (1 comment)
Supporting and listening to the troops

One Love. One II.

Categories
SuperSpade
Flashback

I almost cried…

I am reading a book entitled, In Search of the Proverbs 31 Man: The One God Approves and a Woman Wants, by Michelle McKinney Hammond. For those that are unaware, Proverbs 31 is a famous passage in the Bible that elegantly lays out the qualities of an ideal wife. When women ask me what type of woman I am looking for, I often say the woman of Proverbs 31.

Nevertheless, what Michelle does in her book is ask, “What kind of man can truly appreciate a Proverbs 31 woman and what qualities should he have?” I have wondered this for years and I am so grateful that this book was written.

I write this post today because I almost cried when I came across this passage in the book. Michelle states, (emphasis mine)

“One of the most beautiful things I ever heard a wife say about her husband was: It feels like God is loving me through my husband. He is so sensitive to my needs. It’s almost as if he anticipates them and meets them before I even say a word.” Only a man who prays and hears from God can do such a thing for his wife” (p 17)

If you were not moved by that quote, I suggest you keep reading it until you do. And for me, and I think many other men, we want to be good husbands and fathers, which is fine. But for you to be in a place where your wife feels like God is loving her through you is I can only imagine like living a miracle everyday of your marriage. The spiritual clarity it would require to be at that place requires daily discipline and I have purposed in my heart to lead a life where my wife will that her husband is a true Man of God.

For anyone that is married and reading this post, man or woman, purpose in your heart to take the necessary steps to situate your marriage where you can clearly see the power of God manifesting itself in the life of your partner.

And if you are single, use this principle to find a partner that will sustain you with an agape love. Being single should be a time to hone your relationship with God so that once you do get married, you will be able to provide spiritual fortitude that will do nothing but make your marriage purposeful, enjoyable and fulfilling.

Stay up fam,

Categories:
Spirituality
Marriage
Relationships

A Special PSA: In Defense of Valentine’s Day

Most people have written off Valentine’s Day as an Hallmark Holiday and perhaps some of that is valid. But how is Valentine’s Day different from every other holiday that has been appropriated and commercialized for consumer consumption?

So to write Valentine’s Day off as simply a Hallmark Holiday is silly. I think the more acute problem is laziness. The Spirit of Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day should be year round, but how often does it get lost? If we carried that attitude year round, there would be no real need to commemorate what these days stand for. But, Holidays and anniversaries and birthdays is what give time and space meaning.

Especially in the realm of relationships. So often, we do not take the time out to say or show our loved ones how we feel and we take them for granted. Sure, it goes without saying, but sometimes,it is good to let the person in on the secret. Also, we should never let an opportunity pass to show our appreciation/love/thoughtfulness to the ones we love. In short, Valentine’s Day has been and always will be a time to shine. I know for me, I always used Valentine’s Day to make my move on that person I had a crush on. And thanks to Moms, my appreciation of the day began early.

When you think about it, Valentine’s Day is all about companionship. How many of us are alone or feel alone? As a result, Valentine’s Day calls attention to something a lot of people spend time trying to ignore. If that is your situation, then use it as an opportunity to give love and spread it to others instead of being bitter. If you are in a relationship, at least buy a card. Heck, if you don’t want to pay Hallmark, break out the construction paper. If you are on the prowl, this is the best time to put your bid in. All that matters is that you tailor the holiday to fit your needs and show how special that special somebody is. And you do not need a lot of dough, what you need is some creativity and sentiment. It will not kill you to be considerate.

Because in the end, Valentine’s Day really is a BIG DEAL…

Truth and Peace
Steven M DeVougas

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day and Spread some love to somebody

Categories:
Love
Friends & Relationships

Interfaith Marriage and all that jazz…

Have you ever told your parents about someone that was tugging at your heart? How many people have had a conversation that goes like this;

You: Mom, I met this person and I think they might be the one.

Mom: That’s great honey! I want you to be happy. Now what church do they go to?

I was always wondered why this was always the first question my mother asked and I get it now, but the implications are deeper than I originally thought.

I think the chief reason why my Mom and other parents ask this question is for two reasons:

1) To gauge the person’s character since church attendance is often used as a character check
2) To see if the person practices the same faith as their child

And I think that parents should be respected for having their child’s best interests at heart. But I wonder how smooth the conversation would go if you responded to your parent’s (let’s assume they are Christian) question of where your love interest went to church by saying, “Well, actually, they go to a mosque.” How do you think your parents would respond? I know it is easy to think of your parents as the most respectful and open-minded people in the world but let’s keep it really real, shall we?

I think many parents would be taken aback and follow up by asking, “So are they Muslim?” And then I could imagine a series of questions dancing around the feasibility of two people dating that share different faiths.

Now is this wrong? I wouldn’t say so but I think something can be said for what I call “spiritual superiority.” What I mean by this phrase is the notion that spiritually centered parents often have a strong preference for three things: 1) seeing their children practice the same faith they raised them with, throughout adulthood, 2) watching their children grow up to marry someone who practices the same faith as them, and 3) witness their grandchildren be raised with the same faith as them.

Now on face value, I would say nothing is wrong with this paradigm and maybe in another post, we can talk about people who ended up practicing a new faith different from their parents. But for our purposes, we are going to look at interfaith relationships/marriage.

And rather than go into two pages worth of a post, I would rather provide the context and see where you want to take this post in the comments section. So the following are some of the questions that I would like you to chew on.

1) Would you ever date someone from a different faith? Why or why not?

2) Do you have different faith restrictions for someone you would date casually or someone you would seriously consider marrying? Why or why not?

3) Does your faith have specific restrictions on what faith your future husband/wife must practice? (And if you do know, it would be helpful if you can bolster your answer with textual support as opposed to what you were always told.)

4) Is it important that your future kids practice the same faith as you? Would you be open to them practicing a different faith from yours?

5) How would your parents react to your being in a serious relationship with someone of a different faith? And how much would their reaction influence your decision to continue your relationship?

6) Is it important that your kids be raised in household where both parents practice the same faith? If not, what is the upside of having interfaith households on a child’s spiritual development?

This should prove to be a very lively discussion,

Stay up fam,

Categories:
Relationships
Spirituality

The Weekly Dream: Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

“God grant me serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“
-Serenity Prayer

I do not know about you, but lately, life has been coming at me pretty fast. There is always another project, another assignment, another meeting networking, etc. etc. to do. With all that ripping and running, I could tell that I was losing my mind. On top of that, I was supremely irritated. And I start acting really petty, because everything was getting on my nerves.

However, I remembered that all this stuff is really not that deep. At the end of the day, does it matter that my brother ate all the eggs? No. I believe it was God’s way of telling me to put all of my pet peeves and idiosyncracies on the back burner.How often do we lose sight of the big picture? It is human to have some bad days and to be generally annoyed with life. But if you find yourself losing it over the same thing over and over again, think, is it really worth it? For example, there is a certain individual, who shall remain nameless, that has crazy road rage. Every time I am in the car with this person, they cursing people out, honking their horn and having a fit. And my response is always the same, “Can they hear you?” Bad drivers are a constant, but if you plan for it, then it will not annoy you. Once this person began being proactive about the situation instead of being reactionary, her blood pressure improved dramatically .

The Point Is…Conserve, Conserve, Conserve

How much energy do we spend on stuff that do not matter? We get all worked up about things we cannot change or are insignificant. We take minor slights to heart, all the while expending our precious energy, only to feel frustrated and emotionally drained.

What is really important in this life is the relationships and connections we make. A lot of our frustrations stem from the fact that we do not have a meaningful connection either to others, our task or to some greater. We feel misunderstood. And it is common to feel “disconnected.” How do we make that connection? We can start by taking a little time to regroup and giving what we hope to get. We need to go outside ourselves, instead of waiting on someone to make us feel better. We are the architects of our happiness and good fortune. We can choose our moods the same way we pick out our clothes. Every moment we have the choice as to how to react and how we let something will make us feel.

The key to being effective is to use your emotions to drive righteous action. There are all types of forces to disturb your inner peace. However, take a moment and ask, does it really matter?

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Categories:
The Weekly Dream

Sex: Rules of Engagement for 2007

As I approach a quarter century of living, many of my peers have reached a point in their lives where they realize that sex is good, but overrated in many ways. As such, many of my peers are not virgins but are in a stage where they are saving sex either for marriage or a serious relationship. I applaud and support these efforts but in the event that you are overcome by your flesh, here is a little list I put together to help you out. (And yes my family does read The SuperSpade.)

1) Wear condoms. Unfortunately, in 2007, too many of us think that if someone looks healthy, they can’t possibly have an STD. Be safe. And for the brothers out there ending their sessions with broken condoms, that’s not cool. You are not Hulk Hogan. Stop putting yourself and your partner at risk and upgrade.

2) Stop wearing socks. (In other words, brothers make sure your feet are not crusty and ladies, make sure the toes are tamed and your feet are not crusty.)

3) Getting tested for HIV with your partner is probably one of the most intimate things you can do even if you are not planning to have sex in the near future.

4) Sexual assault is real. No one is immune to it but there are things you can do to help prevent it.

5) If the thought of having a baby with your partner strikes terror in your heart, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex with that individual.

6) I was raised to believe that men are connected to women by how much they are willing to sacrifice (time, energy, resources, etc.) and women are connected to men via having sex. This principle has proven true for me, so just keep it in the back of your mind.

7) Sex doesn’t have to be “dessert” per se. Therefore, here are some things you can do to avoid having sex:
Go out earlier in the day
Talk about your relationship with God
Don’t end up in the bedroom
Talk (Intense thought provoking discussion that can be inspired by reading The SuperSpade
Play board games
Go through photo albums
Listen to music
Go out in groups
Give yourself a curfew and have a friend call you at the appropriate time
Make your expectations known

Hopefully this helps,

Stay up fam,

Categories:
sex
relationships

For Richer and For Poorer (No Romance Without Finance)

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece are not necessarily the views of all members of The Superspade. It may be simply the nonsensical rantings of a frustrated twenty-something.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

Whitney and Bobby. Reese and Ryan. Britney and K-Fed. Eddie Murphy and his wife. Babyface and Tracy. Kimora and Russell. What do all these lost souls have in common? They are no longer in marital bliss. Technically, theses people have enough money where all they have to do is be in love and live. But yet, more and more celebrities are breaking up. Why?

I have been having this ongoing dialogue with my female friends that circles around men and finance. It is my belief that women and money are a lot like fire: They can either help you or hurt you. With that said, as women begin to outpace men in the areas of education and high paying jobs, we come to a fork in the road as I perceive it. Women want men to be men. A significant portion of this traditional gender role is that a man should provide and furnish comfort and security. Or they want him to have at least the same level education/money as they have. On the surface, this seems fair. You don’t want any deadweight in your relationship. However, do these kind of expectations reinforce class in American society, especially in the area of romance? If I drive a bus or work at the post office, is it unlikely that I can date a lawyer or a doctor?

Think about it. Education, in theory, affords you access to more resources. It is an economic truism that people will buy as much lifestyle comfort as their paycheck will give them. Hence, if a woman is making top dollar, then how does this affect the dating expectations? Along with more income, comes a different environment. When you come home from a long day of work, who is more likely to understand what you are talking about if you are a doctor/lawyer/engineer? And how does this affect the power dynamic? I know some women who try to rule over their man because they hold the purse strings. Or on the other end, the man tries to over-compensate because he feels inadequate about his lady making more change. It is a real obstacle.

Perhaps this belief is only prevalent in the young adult demographic, but I have encountered frequently. However, this is like having your cake and eating it to. If a woman today is likely to rise more quickly, especially a minority woman, is it fair to put all the weight on the man?

A lot of women in my age group want the men they deal with to be a “high roller”. They are more concerned with status than character. And as men, we feed into it. I would venture to say that 75% of what we do is to please a woman somewhere.

I had a conversation not too long ago with a certain young woman and she expressed to me that she was afraid she was going to be poor if she stayed with this certain young man. She came from a little money and he was more blue collar. She continued to go on about the lifestyle she was accustomed to and the like. So I asked her, what did comfort look like to her? She replied it was paying the bills, saving, taking trips on occasion. I then asked her, how much did she need a year to feel and do those things, and she said a quarter million.

This is just one of the many conversations I have had with a variety of women. I am not saying anything is wrong with it, however, when pressed, they could not quantify these abstract wants and desires. If you cannot quantify it, then you will never be happy. Because it will never be enough. And while that man is out trying to stack, these will be the same individuals that will complain about him not helping around the house or with the kids or spending time with them. You can’t win for losing.

In Other Words

Maybe I am tripping. But I know for most people in their twenties, you don’t have a dime. You just finished school and you got bills. You have not made any real money and you just trying to get by and adjust to the “Real World”. Yet, when you go out, all the shorties is checkin for the dudes with the rims. Where do the real women hang out at? The ones who see your potential and love you for you? What happened to finding a good dude with some goals and who treats you like a queen? What happened to working as a team and making it together? By making the profit motive supreme, you miss out on some really good people. But like they say in the mob, “Nobody wants to work for it anymore.”

What people do not realize is that when you struggle and come up with somebody, it brings you closer. It is not predicated on a business transaction, it is based on some real, hell or high water type stuff. Then we wonder why the number of unmarried couples outnumber the married couples. Whether it comes to money or relationships, you have to have teamwork. A woman cannot expect to sit around while a man is working, or vice versa. Both people need to play their position. The money will come. It is more important that you share the same goals and values. And anyway, everyone needs to focus on getting their own in this world and stop waiting for someone to give it to them. As my mama says, “If you waitin for somebody to do something for you, you gonna be waitin a long time.”

I could just be voicing my insecurities, because I was never the dude with money. I have lived on a budget for as long as I can remember and I had to work for everything I have. Yet, I am a decent dude. I might not be able to “cake” a woman off now, but I am resourceful and she will never have to guess where she stands with me. And by the way, I am going to be rich. But you do not want someone who is going to fold on you as soon as money is tight. Every man needs a Hilary-stand-by-your man-ride-or die chick. I want to know that the woman in my corner is loyal and she is real. And fortunately for me, I have found that one. .

Final Thought…For Now

Ladies, I am not saying that you are gold diggers for having standards. But make sure your expectations are reasonable. You should hold yourself higher than any dollar amount a man could give you. Demand more than his money, demand his heart and his time. If you have that, you wont ever have to worry about finances.

Fellas, if we want to demand the ladies step it up, we have to make sure we are real men. I am Old School, and it is my belief that the man should set the tone for the relationship. We must lead by example. Prove to the ladies that you are worth the risk and that by hooking up with you, she is joining something great. If all you have to offer is that same ghetto-mentality and lame duck excuses, do us all a favor and just turn your wallet over now. Many a good woman has been ruined because she was under “bad management”, ya dig?

I could go on for pages, and I got a little off topic. But this is just how I see it being played out in my neck of the woods. I will revisit this issue from time to time and report my findings.

But in the meantime, you, the SuperSpade community, let me know what you think. What is the role that class plays in romance? How important is money really? How are prevailing attitudes affecting our relationships? Sound off.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Categories:

Love
Friendships & Relationships
Money

The Weekly Dream-Simplify Your Life

Question of the Week: What do you worry about? How do you deal with worry?

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
-Matthew 6:34

“Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated. With coarse rice to eat, with water to drink, and my bended arm for a pillow- I still have joy in the midst of these. Riches and honors acquired by unrighteousness are me as a floating cloud”
-Confucius

I was listening to Lauryn Hill’s “X-Factor” and the first line really stuck with me. It opens “It could all be so simple…” And it is true, life, relationships, everything could all be so simple. The truth is normally simple. There is right and there is wrong, whether we like it or not. This naturally led me to ponder, if it could all be so simple, then why does life seem so complicated/dramatic?

So, I began on a quest to simplify my own life. I started with my workout. I went back to the basic exercises. I moved on to my diet, cutting out soda, sugar and processed foods. Pretty soon, it just mushroomed. After awhile, simplification became fun. I just focused on trying to do what I was supposed to do, when I was supposed to do it. And doing what I could with what I had.

Shades of Gray

I am not so naïve that I do not understand that situations are not always cut and dry. But how many of us are architects of our own destruction? Or by our actions/inaction, we make a bad situation worse? However, the real issue is the underlying motive. Some people are drama queens. They do not have enough to keep themselves occupied, so they stir up mischief. Riding emotional roller-coasters is what makes them feel alive. But I am going to assume that the majority of us do not fall into this category.

The vast majority of people are full of worry and anxiety. We are confronted by situations or overwhelmed by the demands of daily life and the first response is an emotional one. We worry about our family, what are significant other is doing, we worry about being made to look like a fool. We worry about keeping up with the Joneses. And these irrational worries often convolute what is real.

For example, I have talked ad nauseam about what a lack of trust will do to a realtionship, but you will be surprised at the number of people who go through their significant other’s cellphone, their Facebook/MySpace pages, mail, sock drawers, you name it, because they are worried about being played. The simple approach would be to talk to the person or to get out of that situation. But if you are happy, be happy and eventually the truth will come out. Why chase unhappiness?

Our desires and unfulfilled wishes are also a source of anxiety. This is a fundamental tenet of every religion. I know in a materialistic/consumer driven society, this is difficult. It is good to enjoy what life has to offer, but everything in proper perspective. Our lives are worth more than what we have and do not have. People are more valuable than what they can offer you or what you can offer them.

The more you desire things and they enter your heart, the more unfulfilled you will become and blind to the blessings around you. When you don’t count your blessings, you miss opportunites.

Human Nature

Naturally, as human beings, we are going to have worries and anxiety. The world is a scary place. But we must train ourselves to walk by faith and not by sight. Sounds simple right? We can start by simplfying what we can. Something I have been working on is being present. Focusing on the here and now. People are normally living in the past or looking towards the future. But how many of them are truly enjoying what they are doing now, in this moment. The past is for lessons and wisdom, the future is for hope, but the present is a gift to be enjoyed.

Cut out the unnecessary and get back to the essence. The first love, the beginning, the basics. Focus on what you really need and shut down your wants, for once. This is how to live contently.

Be confident. Know that whatever life has to dish out, you can meet head on. Do what is right, live the truth and things will work themselves out. Don’t worry about making mistakes, don’t worry about failing, don’t worry about getting hurt. Life is a contact sport, these things are gonna happen.

The trees don’t worry about the rain, they grow from it. You do the same.

Find happiness where you can. It’s the simple things that count the most.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Categories:
The Weekly Dream
Relationships
Friendship

Loneliness, Black Men and Friendships: Part V

Last week, we touched on the single brothers but today we are shifting our focus to brothers in relationships. Whenever I am in relationships, whoever I am with becomes my best friend. And if I’m not mistaken, I am sure many other brothers understand that feeling via experience. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Can we keep it real though?

Now if you have a woman that can enjoy watching sports (and you know how bad it can get during the playoffs), cook up a good meal, and can easily navigate between beauty queen and tomboy, isn’t it hard to not consider her your best friend?

My theory
My theory is that men are much more prone to consider their girlfriends their best friends than vice versa. I feel this way for a couple of reasons. For one, I think that a woman is better capable at balancing their friend life and their relationship life. Moreover, many men have become enamored with the idea of a “ride or die” chick such that when their girlfriend exhibits traits of loyalty, they get really excited whereas a woman not so much. So what this means is that when a woman wants to go shopping and the guy says he’ll pass, the woman will leave without thinking anything at all. On the other hand, I think if a man wants to watch a basketball game with his girl and she passes, I think men take that more personally than a woman would.

Hanging out
But can there be negative ramifications of having your woman as your best friend? I think so. For starters, I have found it difficult to make time to hang out or talk with my friends. To be clear, it is not a matter of being on lock down. It’s just that I wouldn’t choose to be with someone unless we had massive fun enjoying each other’s company. Having said that, I found myself having conversations like this;

My guy friend: B, what’s good man? What do you have up for tonight?

Me: Nothing much man, just chillin’ with my girl.

My guy friend: Well, if you don’t have anything up, we are going to roll out to the SuperSpade Lounge.

Me: I think I am going to pass today, maybe next week though.

If any man can say that they have been in a long term relationship and have not had a conversation like that, they are lying. However, the point I am trying to drive home is that conversations like that are not bad in and of them selves. But for me, and I think other men as well, the more rain checks you take, the more it becomes clear to the fellas that if it is the weekend, you are going to be with your girl.

But let’s take it a step further, have you ever had tentative plans to go out with the guys and then cancelled because of a) you didn’t want to leave your girl lonely at home or b) you knew that your girl would give you the look that says, “All you do is hang out with your friends?”

Everything in life requires balance and the fact that I see so many relationships fall into the “either you are with me or your friends” is something that must be stopped. Are you guilty of making your significant other choose between you and their friends? Before you automatically rule yourself out, let it marinate it a little bit.

Tongue-tied
As I stated earlier, whenever I am in a relationship, the woman I am with becomes my best friend. This has its perks but one of the major downsides is trying to express how I feel by prefacing it as a best friend or a boyfriend. One of the biggest issues I have is that I have a tendency to mince my words when I know I want to share something as a best friend but I know that it has the potential to cause confusion on the boyfriend front.

And I have said on numerous occasions, “Listen, you are my best friend and while our relationship is fine, please interpret what I am about to say with your best friend hat on.” More often than not, confusion reigned supreme due to the fact that I was expecting my girl to understand issues only another man would understand.

What’s also troubling is that with the current lack of substantive male to male friendships, it thereby limits the outlets we have to discuss problems with our relationships with the woman we are with. And for most of us we can talk to our female friends but that will only take you so far, knowing that a) your girl probably won’t approve of you confiding in another woman and/or b) the female friend you are talking to will not see the issues from a guy’s perspective.

This creates two potential dilemmas. On the one hand, you and your woman will get frustrated because while the attempt to communicate is a step in the right direction, she might feel inadequate by feeling that she can’t be there for you the way you need. On the other hand, you will feel like an unsuccessful teacher trying to breakdown how you feel in ways that she can understand. And situations like this highlight the need for positive and substantive male to male friendships because often times, you won’t be able to completely understand how you feel until you use your male friend as a sounding board. After which, you can talk to your girl and chances are that if you go this route, the potential for miscommunication will decrease dramatically.

Keep it real?
But what happens in reality is that whenever your boy asks how your relationship is going, you say “Straight,” only because we are so paranoid about saving face. So don’t wait until you must talk to your guy friends. When your boy asks how your relationship is going, just say, “Man, my girl is trippin’” or “Man, I’m trippin’.” If your friend is worth his salt, the conversation should flow smoothly after that. In Proverbs 17:17, it states: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Are your male friends born for adversity or just born to play basketball and hang out?

And I am not making an either/or proposition such that your boys or your girlfriend has to be your best friend. But while we consider making our girlfriends our best friends, let’s be clear that we have positive and substantive male friendships we can utilize as outlets and sounding boards.

It’s time to man up fellas.

Stay up fam,

Categories:
blackmen
friendship
blackissues

Why are More and More Households are Unmarried Ones?

I don’t talk about relationships too much here; that’s primarily Steve’s department.  However, I was struck by this NY Times article that says that for the first time in a very long time, there are less married households in a america than unmarried households.

Is that a big deal?  Does it even matter?  With all the talk about family values, does this mean that the definition of family is changing?

One Love. One II.

Categories:
Marriage
Relationships

The Weekly Dream: Things Fall Apart-Pride

“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.”
-Proverbs 16:18

From grade school through middle school, my brothers and I participated in oratorical speaking contests. Every year, we would memorize and practice lengthy pieces. I did not like these contests, but both my parents thought it was important that we learn to speak in front of a crowd. Normally, I would just coast and halfway do it. However, my last year, I decided that I wanted to be in the top three. So, I actually practiced really hard and I memorized a lengthy piece. I went all out: I had gestures, inflection, expression: I thought no one could touch me. And at the competition, I was in my zone. After I presented my piece to the judges, there was no way I was not one of the best orators. However, when the decision came down, I only received honorable mention. I was livid. I thought I had been robbed. Leaving the auditorium, I told my mother I would never do another speech again. Why? Because my pride was hurt. And because pride was hurt, I did not put forth the effort to develop what could have been a real talent.

This is just one of many instances where my pride was hurt and I took the stance that “I didn’t want to play anymore”, or I sought retribution on the basis of principle or refused the help of others. It has been something that I have always struggled with, personally and just being a man. However, there is a thin line pride and principle.

Foolish and False Pride

The last and probably the greatest reason relationships fail is pride, because it is the sin all others originate from. What is pride? Some refer to it as arrogance, disdain for the value of others, hubris, an attitude of over self-importance, rebellion. To me, it is when ego obstructs doing the right thing.

How many times has your pride caused you to do what was right? Lately, I have been wondering why whenever I try to humble myself, I keep getting in the way? Whether it is in my spiritual life, my relationships, or whatever. And frequently, this comes out when someone has offended our self-perception or attacked our self-worth.

Love is Stronger than Pride?

In relationships, pride is especially deadly because we feel as if those we deal with intimately should know better and know what will hurt or offend us. Thus, they are in a key position to clash against our delicate egos. This makes communication or forgiveness almost impossible. Pride also acts as a blinder of the truth. We will continue in wrong and try to justify it, rather than rejoicing in truth and the resolution of conflict. We will not even come to the table because we are so hurt and so offended. I am guilty of it, we all are. And when pride comes, our worse selves are made manifest.

On the other hand, what if you are dealing with an egotistical person? The prideful person takes the form of many different personality types and people have varying levels. However, if it gets to the point where you cannot reason with them or they will not listen, or their pride makes them vindictive, watch out. It may be better to deal with them from a distance. In a relationship or any multiple person enterprise, there is a certain level of conciliation that occurs to move from the local “I” to the nonlocal “us”.

Pride is also manifested in so-called independence. People who try to take everything on themselves, when the endeavor or situation affects everyone. I am not talking about when one person steps up because no one else will. I am referring to when you have willing participants, but you want to do it yourself. I see this all the time in relationships. One person will have a problem, and would rather struggle with it all alone, rather than sharing it with their companion. What they fail to realize is that their partner is affected whether they share it or not, because they can tell something is off. And begins to breed mistrust and hurt because that openness and honesty is not being manifested between them anymore. The only cure is to move from the “I” mentality to a “We” mentality. This movement fosters intimacy, strength and healing.

The Cure

Gratitude is the cure for pride. When you see how fragile you really are and how blessed you are in spite of yourself, it is hard to let yourself get in the way. We must learn to manage our egos before we miss out on some really good people and opportunities. It is a constant battle to maintain proper perspective and to know the true source of our feelings and motivations. Is it pride or principle?

In Summary

These last five weeks, we have explored the five most common reasons relationships fail. I have learned some things about myself and I hope you have also. In Genesis, it says that it is not good for man to be alone. Humans are social creatures and we need relationships to foster our growth and development. Therefore, we should continue to strive for a “more perfect union” with God, ourselves and each other.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas

Question of the Week: What comments do you have about the “Things Fall Apart Series”? Are there any factors you would have added?
Categories:
steve
theweeklydream

Weekly Dream: Things Fall Apart-Ingratitude

“Sometimes, your best is not good enough”
-Me to R.

“People get worse, when there is no incentive to get better”

In my household, ingratitude was a cardinal sin. Even if you did not get exactly what you wanted, you appreciated what you did get. My dad called my brothers and I “benefit brothers” whenever we neglected to say thank you and focused on the gift and not the giver. At the time, we thought he was being sensitive, until we grew to manhood and realized how much effort and a show of concern it was for my parents to give us good things.

Do you know someone who is never happy? Whenever you talk to them, nothing is going right? This kind of individual always complains and the glass is always half-empty. I hate this type of person, and hate is a strong word. But if God hates ingratitude and unthankfulness, then I figure I am in good company. Ingratitude is defined as not only taking things for granted, but not assigning a proper value to the things/people/situations in your life. Where there is ingratitude, pride, self-righteousness and entitlement are right around the corner. But that is a topic we will discuss next week.

As a sidenote, ingratitude has been a sticking point with me as far as my relationship to American society. In other countries, people are so thankful, when they have dramatically less than we do. And they never forget what they have been through. But people who have never experienced hardship tend to be the most unthankful. It takes a certain level of humility to realize that the little bit you have can be gone tomorrow.

In a Relationship

Humans have a basic need for recognition and appreciation for their contributions. Think about if no one ever said thank you to you or complemented you on a job well-done? You do not need it, but credit should be given when it is due. Eventually, bitterness and resentment will begin to set in, if you constantly give and nothing is given back. I am willing to bet you will not stay at that job for long. In fact, studies have shown that people would rather have recognition than a pay raise. And really, what is a raise but a monetary equivalent to a thank you and a job well done.

In relationships, people settle into routines and come to expect certain things. Pretty soon, people begin to believe that they are entitled to certain treatment rather than seeing the treatment as an expression of love or respect. Complacency and apathy begins to set in. They do not put forth the effort they once did. This happens once people get used to each other. They might let their hygiene slip, stop working out, or doing those little things that show they are paying attention. What happened? It tends to make you feel like you are not worth it anymore and then you start acting the same way.

Let’s be clear, outside of a respect for your basic human dignity, no one owes you anything. No one has to do anything for you-no matter how special you are. Any thing that happens to you, be thankful for it, because it is either a lesson or a blessing. Be grateful for the people in your life and who care about you.

Indeed, think of people who you have loved, who took you for granted, who did not recognize your value and the sacrifices you made? Why? Because life is hard and anything won does not come easy. It takes restraint to not follow your instincts, and to mute the dark side of your personality, especially in a relationship. A relationship is a team effort. It takes effort to listen when you want to yell, to be patient while the other person works out their issues, to provide etc. It is tremendous investment of energy and resources-it is only natural to want a return.

But when the other person (hopefully you are not the ingrate in the situation) does not recognize or express gratitude in the way you would like, what should you do? That is not an easy question to answer. Perhaps the other person is not aware of it. And that is when you have to speak the truth out of love. However, before you confront them, look to the areas in your life where you exhibited ingratitude-inside and outside the relationship. In that conversation, discuss what you like or appreciate about each other. This should be a common practice. There is nothing more charming, endearing and disarming as a sincere thank you, kind word or gesture. Also, be specific. Think of how you want them to show their appreciation and ask them if there is a way they might want you to show them. It could be that you are just speaking different love languages.

As I have said before, gratitude must become a way of life. It must permeate your entire being and your relationship. God has put these people in your life for a reason-cherish them and they should do likewise. However, if you or your significant other do not know what purpose you play in each other’s lives, then ingratitude results. So clarify your purpose. Have that conversation. Why am I here? Why are you here? If nothing changes after you confront them or you still feel unappreciated, then you have soul searching to do. You have too much too offer to continue to be taken for granted by anybody.

Tomorrow is not promised

Life is so short. Whenever I do not feel thankful, I go back to where I have come from, to the people around me. Even through the rough spots, my motto was, “it could be worse.” I think of what if the person around me was no longer here or if I was no longer alive, what is the last thought I want them to have of me? Or I try to think of the most morbid scenario and it makes me feel better.

Thus, I try not to let a day go by without showing or expressing my gratitude to everyone I meet. You can do the same by being courteous, interested, and aware of the person in front of me and letting them know I understand their purpose in my life. To be honest, most people do not stop and consider that, but that’s why you’re here .

Know your worth and the worth of others.

A relationship takes effort, never stop dating.

Reset and return to your first love.

Don’t be a benefit brother/sister.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: In what instances have you encountered ingratitude and how did you handle it?

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the weekly dream

Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships: Part IV

For those keeping score at home, we are at Part 4 in our series on Black male friendships. Up until this point, I have not discussed the issue of how women figure into the situation. And because one post would have been too long, at a later time I will explore how friendships are affected by men in relationships. But today, we will focus on the single brothers.

Let me say for starters that it is probably easier for single brothers to manage more meaningful male friendships. However, this is not always the case.

When things are down, do you call your boy or your “friend”
One issue that many single brothers have to deal with is going through emotional downtimes. And for a myriad of reasons, it is easier for many of us to share our deepest feelings with women rather than men. Now I understand that if you need to get something off your chest, then by all means do what you have to do. However, we should take a step back to think of the long-term implications of never being able to tell your boy what is really going on in your life.

If we were really honest, most brothers do not use each other as sounding boards. However, it is not until a situation has either blown up or otherwise finished, that a brother will then share what happened. But we need to get to a place where we have conversations like this; “Steve, I have this situation and these are the options I am looking at, let me know what you think.”

And since conversations like this are not widespread, it is often the case that brothers will turn to their girl “friends” for comfort. But here’s the twist, whether you are attracted to the woman or not, there is something very intoxicating having a woman listen to your woes while your head is in her lap, figuratively speaking. Now I am not saying brothers shouldn’t be talking to sisters but I am challenging brothers to be honest about what is accomplished after they have heart to hearts with their girl “friends.” Do you get sound, practical advice that you use to help your situation? Do you start out trying to get sound advice but end up talking about topics completely unrelated? Are you intentionally unintentionally laying the foundation for a relationship? Do you find yourself more attracted to this person after talking and/or are you sending signals that might be misconstrued that you may want more than just friendship?

I pray that at least one of these questions speak to you where you are at. My point though is that the majority of these issues could be alleviated if brothers had the courage to have more meaningful conversations beyond work, women, and sports. To be clear, this is not an either/or proposition, such that brothers should only talk to women or men. However, the current balance is heavily in favor of women and we need to tip the balance in the other direction.

Psuedo-girlfriends
For players and non-players alike, it does you no good to be running around with pseudo-girlfriends because you afraid to be lonely. Do some self-evaluation so you can be a better boyfriend/husband for your next relationship. What I mean by pseudo-girlfriend is someone (where there is an established mutual attraction) who fulfills one or some of your needs, but you have no intention of making her your girlfriend. Some examples include but are not limited to physical intimacy, spirituality, emotional support, intellectual debate, hanging out, etc. Situations like this are one of the sure fire ways to guarantee an argument framed around, “What are we?” or “Are we building something serious or not?” So beyond having clear communication, it is important to take advantage of being single and use that time to grow in all the ways you deem important. However, this constant girlfriend status (real or pseudo) does little to help this process. Nor does it help the women who think they are building something that is really all smoke and mirrors.

And if you can’t talk to your friends about real issues, why are they your friends to begin with?

In a word, get off the bosom fellas,

Stay up fam,

Categories:
friendships
blackmen
blackissues

The Weekly Dream: Things Fall Apart Pt. III

“Lust, can sometimes override trust…”
-Lupe Fiasco, Real

Growing up and being the oldest son, I was often called upon to share my things: clothes, toys and various hygiene products. Often, these are things I purchased with my own money. Therefore, I was extremely anal about their maintenance and placement. But it never failed, my brothers would always take my things without asking. And since it was not their property, the same level of care or stewardship was not exhibited. I would find my clothes, dirty, on the floor, things left all over the place or used up without being replenished. As anyone could imagine, this caused me to become 1.) Very protective of my things (which I am unto this day) 2.) Very reluctant in allowing anyone to use my belongings. In school, I learned early not to trust anyone, because everyone does not operate from a place of integrity.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a very trusting person and I want to trust people, but everyone does not value the things I value and vice versa. Sociologists call trust a function of a person’s belief in the benevolence and competence of the other party. People are more likely to forgive incompetence (e.g. ignorance) than a lack of benevolence (i.e. moral uprightness). It is this asymmetry of values that I believe is responsible for the suspicion that permeates our relationships. For example, if I know what you value, then there are only two outcomes: either I will respect and treasure your values or I will not. And then you know where you stand with me. In any event there must be communication, understanding and forgiveness when trust is broken.

The Foundation

Trust is the belief in the good character of one party, and their desire to fulfill their previous promises. As I have said before, trust is harder to come by than love. However, love without trust is just sound and fury, with no power behind it. Think about how many people you truly trust? There are two types of people in the world: the innocent until proven guilty crowd and the guilty until proven innocent consortium. The former are very trusting, until you cross them, then your name is mud. With the latter, it may take some time to gain them over, but once you have them, they will give you a little more rope to mess up. Which are you? Most of the time, you trust people to be themselves, based on your assessment of them.

A lack of trust is lock-and-step with unforgiveness. People may be able to forgive you, eventually, but when the trust is gone or damaged, it is almost impossible to get back. It is one thing to ask for forgiveness, it is quite another to asked to be restored to your former standing. That is truly an exercise in Christian/Agape love (see the story of the Prodigal Son).

Why? It goes back to how trust is formed. Trust takes time and experience to build. After you have assessed someone’s character and integrity, only then is it safe to be vulnerable around them. But when selfishness, negligence, or weakness enters into a relationship and is succumbed to, then trust is threatened.

In relationships, people make mistakes and people get hurt. Either people do not respond to you the way you would like them to, they might be flaky or moody, or just plain rude and inconsiderate. For whatever reason, people do things that make us hesitate in trusting them or dealing with them. Is it completely their fault or could you be to blame? Were your expectations set and are they realistic?

What is even more complicated is when you have done nothing wrong, but the other person does not trust you, therefore they hold back. It is hard for them to let go and trust your judgment or take your word. But you still want the relationship to work, you still want to deal with the person, so how do you rebuild/strengthen the trust?

It Aint Easy…

Regaining trust has a lot to do with redemption and restoration. There literally is a breach in the relationship that must be repaired in order to continue in the relationship. First, the person who was transgressed against must be open to the possibility of placing their trust in the person. As previously stated, unforgiveness and self-preservation will be the biggest obstacle to doing this. But if the person is not open to forgiving and trusting again, then it is a losing battle.

Next, take time to communicate earnestly and listen to each other. This way, you can see who the person really is and you lay the foundation to “reset” the relationship, when you catch a glimpse of the person’s heart and if they truly have your best interest.

On the other side, the transgressor must do everything to prove their consistency and steadfastness. And, hopefully, with time and God’s help, all will be well.

Fight the Good Fight…

Lack of trust is like brain cancer or a house without a foundation, it is only a matter of time before it is a wrap and the relationship is irretrievably broken. If the trust has been damaged, you must reassess everything to see if it is worth saving and if you can truly move past the hurt and suspicion. If you have healthy, trusting relationships in your life, guard them jealously, because once trust is gone, there is really little left. If you can bounce back from a breach in trust, then you will be closer than ever. There is nothing like the threat of losing something to make you cherish it.

Any relationship takes work, you must decide if it is worth it…

Life is too short to constantly be looking over your shoulders around the ones you love.

Forgive and love again-if it is worth it and with God’s help.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: What lessons have you learned regarding trust and relationships?

Categories:
theweeklydream
trust

The Weekly Dream: Things Fall Apart Pt. II

“Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, love keeps no record of wrong”
1 Cor. 13:5

“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

After communication, unforgiveness is the second reason most relationships fail. This is a big one for me, because I can hold a grudge forever. But unforgiveness is a major roadblock in the progression of relationships. Why? Because when you let someone in to your heart, you expect them to know better. So when they do something, you feel it that much more. And although you want to forgive them, it does take time and prayer.

I think of unforgiveness as having rocks in your book bag, it does not do anything but slow you down. Every time some one does something to you, and you do not forgive, it begins to wear on you. You become a prisoner to the past and eventually bitterness and resentment comes in. You can always tell when some one has not really gotten over something because when you get in an argument, they bring up the old stuff into the new conflict. They use words like “You always” or “You did this last time”. They still are mentally stuck in the past.

I believe that, if you forgive someone, you don’t bring it up again. If you can’t move past it, it may be better to let the relationship go, because it is not worth making both parties miserable. Personally, when people have hurt or betrayed me, I have to forgive them or leave them alone. That is the only way to truly heal some times. Still having trouble? Think of when you have done something wrong, what if God held everything you did over your head? As they say, “To err is human, but to forgive is divine.”

What are the hurts are grudges you are holding? As the saying goes, pick your battles. Is it really a big deal or are you sweating the small stuff? Will you care about this issue ten years from now? And if it bothers you that much, confront them. What do you want from the situation? An apology? A remedy? Communicate what you are looking for, say your peace and leave it alone. Easier said than done, right? Human nature, being the dark, vindictive beast it is, does not make this easy. For some reason, we want to hold on to the hurt, the pain, if we did not, we would let it go. But if we do not forgive, how can God forgive us?

Forgiveness does not immediately heal the pain, but it starts the process. And if we are going to continue to be in relationship with each other, the transgressor must do everything they can to help the other person forgive, and the other person must do all they can to forgive. Check those emotions at the door and put forth the effort. At the same time, forgiveness does not mean that you can keep doing the same thing over and over again, that is wicked and weak. Just because I am supposed to forgive you, does not give you free reign to exploit my niceness as weakness. I will forgive, but that does no mean I will keep dealing with you.

The Bible says that love covers a multitude of sin. Love makes forgiveness easy. If we truly love someone, we find t difficult to stay upset with them. People I cared about have lied to me and took me for granted, but the love I have for them keeps me in their corner.

Forgive them, for often, they do not know what they do. And pray for those that despitefully use you. Only then, can we be children of the Most High.

Keep working on it, I know I am.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas

Question of the Week: What has someone you love done to you that you either had to get past or you can’t get past?

Categories:
theweeklydream
steve
unforgiveness

The Weekly Dream: Things Fall Apart Pt. I

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

“Whoever talks the most, needs the relationship the most”

Earlier this summer, I had the opportunity to spend some time with my grandfather. We talked and as my grandparents’ forty-seventh wedding anniversary was around the corner, I asked him how he managed to stay with someone that long. Among the many reflections he shared with me, he said, “You have to make up your mind that this is where you want to be, and that the sacrifices you make are worth it.”

It is a conversation that stuck with me. I realized, and I have said before, that we do not have many examples of functional relationships. My generation is embarking upon life without knowing how to make a relationship that lasts. What will be the fallout? So I started thinking, if no one can tell me how to make a relationship work, then perhaps it would be instructive to discuss why relationships fall apart. And I am not just talking about romantic relationships, but any type of relationship, although romantic relationships lend themselves easily to analysis. The next five weeks will reflect my top five reasons for Why Things Fall Apart and how to combat relationship cancer.

1. Communication

Communication is the one of the primary culprits for relationships breaking down. As my brother Garlin is oft to say, “90% of relationship problems stem from a breakdown in communication”. Most of the time, someone has a need and it is not being met. Or there is a disagreement, and what ensues is an exercise in passive aggressiveness. This will only make matters worse. You should be able to communicate with your partners with complete and utter candor and honesty. My rule is that I am willing to discuss it once and then, I leave it alone.

What does it take to effectively communicate? First, it takes a skill that we all can improve upon: Active Listening. This type of listening is concerned with trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Next, there must be a sensitivity to the communication style of the person we are dealing with. In writing, the first rule is to tailor your message to your audience. You cannot come at everyone the same. To do so is asking for disaster, because it ignores the uniqueness of the people you are dealing with. Some people need to tough love, others need to be spoken to in soft tones. Whatever the approach, you want to make sure that you are not wasting your breath or your time. So it is best to strategize your approach so that you are heard. We are looking for more than an emotional release, we communicate to inspire change.

Lastly, there must be a willingness to communicate. Stereotypically, men hate the fact that women always want “to talk things out” and do not take the process seriously. However, I have met individuals of both sexes who hate “arguing” or “conflict” or “talking”. In other instances, they “shut down” and act cold, implementing the silent treatment. These individuals make a horrendous error. It takes a lot for someone to open up and to disregard that bravery leads to resentment and it also sends the wrong message. Even when you do not feel like talking, you have to talk. You might need some time to cool off or think, but do not make the mistake of being to busy or too hurt to resolve issues. Life is too short. If you are dealing with someone who does these things to you or who will not put their feelings to the side for the greater good, then as the saying goes, “shake the dust off your feet” and keep it moving. All you are going to get for your efforts is frustration.

Any relationship is a process, and communication is the lifeblood of relationships.

A closed mouth don’t get fed.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the Week: What communication challenges have you faced and how did you overcome them?

Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships: Part III

If you think back to your father or other male figures in your life growing up, do you remember at some point, one or more of them trying to school you on how to engage the opposite sex? Now hold that thought and compare that to how many times a Black man has taught you how to be a good friend to other brothers? My point exactly…

The fact is many of us did not grow up with positive examples of Black male friendships. For example, think about those of us fortunate enough to know and have relationships with our fathers. Can you name two of your Dad’s closest friends? Have you ever been with or seen your Dad hang out with other men? What about over-hearing your Dad talk to his friends on the phone? If my hunch is correct, many of us can not answer the aforementioned questions in the affirmative. And if you don’t know your father, then I can imagine how much harder it would be to get these examples from say, uncles, boyfriends, etc.

But what do we remember? Things like learning how to play a sport, working on the car, doing lawn maintenance, etc. And not that any of these things are wrong, I think they are important experiences that should be cherished. However, I wonder why male to male friendships are assumed to be something that just happens naturally.

I assume part of this thinking comes from the fact that growing up, we made friends with whoever was on the block and everything seems cool. To make it easier, most of our childhood friendships consisted of three components; playing games, telling jokes, and eating like cows. And for most of us, this formula hasn’t changed that much as we transitioned to manhood. The problem with this trajectory is that as life becomes increasingly complex and difficult; the qualities of our friendships don’t reflect the same nuance.

Therefore, my concern is the lack of examples of positive Black male friendships that would encourage us to take better care of our male friendships (our brothers by extension). Because unfortunately, after the games of our youth get old, the examples we have of pure, healthy, male friendships fade quickly, if they ever existed at all. And when I say take better care of our male friendships, I am primarily interested in whether or not you make each other better people. And if all you do is debate sports when you really need to be venting about how you are desperately trying to save your marriage, then there is a structural problem we have to deal with.

Are there any examples outside of family, church, etc. where we see examples of positive Black male friendships? I submit to you that to our detriment, the media has saturated us with unreal or perverted examples of positive Black male friendship. To be sure, I’ll ask my music connoisseurs when they have heard of a song by a Black man talking about positive male friendship (and tribute songs to the deceased do not count). That was easy, but what about movies/television shows? I honestly can’t think of one, but I reserve the right to be wrong and encourage you to correct me by posting comments and telling me how this example has helped you.

So coming back full circle, how is it that Black men learn what it means to have positive Black male friendships? Are there any people in your life that either taught you the art of friendship or do you remember any examples that were particularly helpful? If not, how did you learn friendship? Do you think friendship comes naturally? What examples do you wish you had growing up?

Stay up fam,

Brandon Q.

The Weekly Dream: The Right to Privacy

Whatever you have spoken in the darkness shall be heard and listened to in the light, and what you have whispered in [people's] ears and behind closed doors will be proclaimed upon the housetops.
-Luke 12:3

This semester, I am taking a class called “The Law of Privacy.” It is an interesting class dealing with how far should the government and intrude into the lives and rights of individuals. I was surprised to learn that there are two types of privacy: Informational and decisional privacy. Informational deals with information about you released to the public (e.g. credit bureaus). Decisional privacy deals with those hot button issues like abortion, sexual orientation, etc. As one could imagine, technology plays a central role in privacy law. With the advent of the internet, Blogs, Profile sites, Smartphones, GPS, reality television and the like, it seems that you have to go to the moon to get some privacy.

In this Information Age, we are constantly bombarded with information. And it is a constant race to stay current. However, a large part of this is sifting through the ruff to get to the diamonds. When I turn on my computer, I come across numerous things I do not care about, mainly gossip. I do not care who is dating whom, who is cheating on whom, He said/She said. I have enough problems. However, the gossip and reality shows are a thriving industry. What is the preoccupation with sensationalism? Is it because the lives of these people are boring or are they trying to escape a dry, crusty reality? However, this will not help the situation. The result is that people know a lot of things that do not matter, instead of what they need to know. In addition to the voyeurism forced down our throats by the media, the government, under the auspices of National Security, has made it easy for any one to find out anything about you (read: wiretaps, credit reports, identity theft). Indeed, privacy is a scarce and undervalued commodity.

Why is Privacy Important?

Privacy, by definition, necessitates selective exclusion. In this exclusion, relationships are fostered and intimacy develops because there is a comfort and a safe place. Social theorists have claimed that there is a correlation between privacy and individuality. More privacy fosters more individuality and diversity. Less breeds a bland mainstream. Why? Because in the absence of privacy, there is the threat of disapproval, ostracism and rejection if you do not uphold “acceptable behaviors and values”.

In a family, when the sphere of privacy shrinks to the point where parents and children can no longer occupy the same space, then the children leave home-often to make decisions and mistakes without the criticism and stricture of the family. This can cause tension, but this is when parents should learn to “let go”, respect the privacy of their grown children and trust they will make good decisions.

The greatest thinkers and religious figures treasured being alone with their thoughts and their intimates. Henry David Thoreau wrote “Civil Disobedience” in seclusion. Jesus would often leave the multitudes and His disciples to pray and gain insight. Moses would went up the mountain and came back with the Ten Commandments. The Israelites, alone in the wilderness emerged as a cohesive nation. Privacy in the form of the retreat is at its essence spiritual. When you are alone, you can reflect and truly define yourself. In the presence of others, you can contrast what you are not.

To me, privacy means the absence of distraction. It is placing a restriction on how much outsiders have access to. When there are no distractions, then there is intense focus. In Kung-fu movies, the hero always goes into seclusion to train and then he faces his foe. Why? Because he must conquer himself before he can achieve his mission. Privacy is not an end unto itself, but it is to recharge so that we can come back and function at a higher level. Privacy is essential to the realization of potential.

These days, people willingly surrender their privacy. A constant debate I have is whether websites like the Facebook or MySpace is an invasion of privacy. I feel it is, but others say that it is a consensual invasion. And true, these sites are consensual, but perhaps these individuals do not know any better. Perhaps people do not examine the ramifications of providing an internet all-access pass. Especially since employers have begun to background check these sites to monitor potential hires and employees.

Privacy can be imposed on individuals. For example, we cannot appear in public nude. So where do we draw the line?

Is Anything Sacred?

In this age of “All-access”, nothing is sacred and it is hurting our relationships. Privacy is the highest respect one can be paid in society. It fosters the self and imagination. As Garlin, Dumi and Brandon have artfully expressed, technology is a tool and should be used to amplify good, not stupidity ( i.e. Vh1’s Flavor of Love). It is hard enough to find truth in the world, and the presence of noisome voices do not make it any easier. Let’s set boundaries as to how far we will let people, technology, and the government encroach upon our lives.

In the Bible, it says seek first the Kingdom of God. And the Kingdom of God is within each of us. However, how can we find the Kingdom on the inside with all the noise on the outside?

Make time to reflect, to build intimacy with the Creator and loved ones, with no distractions.

Respect the privacy of others.

Hold fast to the truth, and let go of the ruff.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas

Question of the Week: What are the ramifications of decreased privacy?

Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships: Part II

What’s up Superspade family, this post represents Part II of my series concerning Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships. Today we are going to address the paranoia that concerns Black male friendships and the suspicion of homosexuality. It is time to talk about the elephant in the room.

This post is specifically dedicated to my nephew, whose relentless curiosity and dedication to living a Godly lifestyle never ceases to amaze me. Keep the faith little homie,

Love, Uncle Brandon.

To kick off our discussion, I turn to Lady B, whose comment on the first post sets the stage perfectly,

“If you want to see something dear just watch little boys playing and sharing together in kindergarten and first grade – then something happens and they are taught that they are not suppose to be close or love other boys unless they are gay this is not right.”

Young kids, Black boys in particular, are being robbed of their innocence earlier and earlier. For example, when I grew up in Detroit, my best friends became my “play” cousins. For those of you that have never heard of this term, a “play” cousin is someone who is a close friend so much that you can depend on them like you would a member of your family. In the Black community, a play cousin carries with it a measurable amount of significance. Now can you remember the last time you heard Black men or Black folks for that matter, talk about play cousins or some similar moniker? I certainly can’t remember and I think similar traditions that Black men used to engage in represent a downward shift in the innocence that used to define healthy Black male friendships.

Now fast forward to current debate about brothers on the down low. Thanks to JL King, brothers all over the country are having their sexuality questioned overtly or implicitly. To be clear, I believe that the health and emotional fall out from brothers being on the down low is indeed a legitimate problem in the Black community. However, maybe we should rethink our efforts to encourage brothers to be honest about their sexual activities. I say this because I think we have made it so that many heterosexual Black men, in attempts to avoid suspicion, have withdrawn from their Black male friendships and overcompensated in their female relationships.

So now we find ourselves with Black men with a jaded sense of innocence combined with a barrage of suspicions surrounding their sexuality. These two factors I believe work together to destroy sound friendships between Black men.

Some of the effects of the down-low paranoia have caused Black men to engage in the following behavior to various degrees;

1) We for the most part feel comfortable hanging out with the guys, but a certain stigma surrounds hanging out with just one of our friends.

2) Our sexuality has become more of a central part of what we define as masculinity. As a result, some men to overcompensate their love and appreciation of women almost to the extent of becoming womanizers in order to prove they are not homosexuals.

3) There is a more marked shift between having boys and having friends. Focusing more on having boys enables men to do guy things while keeping enough emotional distance from each other to maintain deniability.

4) We have come to rely on our female friends to be our male friend fill-ins.

5) We don’t use each other as sounding boards before the jinks goes down. This is because we rarely ever tell our male friends anything of substance unless our plans or mistakes have been obliterated.

6) Unless we have something specific to talk about, we don’t call just to touch base and see what is going on in each other’s life for fear of looking like we are keeping too many tabs on our male friends.

7) We don’t feel comfortable sharing emotions with our male friends because if we even do that to begin with, we typically focus these conversations towards our female friends. We rarely tell our male friends that we appreciate them being there for us when they helped us through that tough situation. Or God forbid, we wouldn’t be caught dead telling our male friends that we love them (look up agape and phileo in the Greek language).

Of course, this list could go on and on, but I want you to add to this list based on your own observations and/or experiences. Nevertheless, I don’t think anyone could reasonably argue that the down low paranoia has not affected the quality of Black male friendships. As such, it behooves us to continue to address brothers leading double sexual lives (this includes cheating with other women too!) but at the same time, we have to create and protect spaces for Black men to share in meaningful dialogues. But when we cast a shadow of doubt over Black male friendships, we end up endangering these spaces and create more problems than we solve.

So let me leave you with these questions,

For the men, have you allowed other people’s suspicions affect the way you interact with other men in the light of the community concern about brothers on the down low?

How do you think the down low paranoia has affected the quality of Black male friendships?

How can we address this issue without endangering healthy Black male friendships?

Looking forward to your responses as we call out the elephant in the room,

Stay up fam,

Brandon.

The Weekly Dream: Fight or Flight

“The better part of valor is discretion”
-Falstaff, Henry IV, Part I

“Sometimes, when you win, you really lose. And when you lose, you really win. And othertimes you tie.”
-Rosie Perez in White Men Can’t Jump

In college, my friend Nicole had the reputation as a relationship guru. If anyone had a problem with their significant other, she would be the one everyone ended up pouring their hearts out to. Besides being a good listener, Nicole gave great advice. One of her pieces of sagely wisdom was “Pick Your Battles”. She said it often enough where it became eternally etched in my social memory. While this is an excellent piece of well-worn advice, the question becomes: How does one know when to engage in battle? How do you properly access cost/benefit?

In our society, direct confrontation and conflict is frowned upon. Manners, etiquette and other social protocol obstruct what is most important. We become worried with how we will be perceived, than speaking our mind and telling the truth. The result is a society teeming with passive aggressive behavior. The workplace is a perfect example. Everyone has that co-worker they cannot stand. They might be lazy, moody or just plain irritating. And you want so bad to tell them about themselves, but what happens most of the time? People hold it in. And it festers, until something snaps and people go to the extremes. Now that person has you looking look like the crazy person, the bad guy. If it had just been dealt with it when it came up, maybe it would have handled it better.

What it comes down to is that there is a right and a wrong way to handle things. Society ill-equips us to handle conflict or tension. We grow up believing that it is negative. They also do not teach us the difference between being assertive and aggressive. We often must learn the hard way, but the sad part of it all, is that there are people who never learn.

Conflict Adverse

It is essential that we learn to pick our battles. We cannot expect someone else to assert our rights and speak up for us. This requires an assessment of various factors: cost (time, resources), after effects (long-term and short-term), and objectives. We need to decide what addressing this conflict means to us. Is it really a big deal? Is it an annoyance or a serious issue? If it is an annoyance, try to deal with it on your own, and if that does not work, then find an effective means to communicate it. My rule of thumb for picking my battles is to assess where it affects me on my hierarchy of values. If it touches my principles, I cannot let it slide. You have to draw the line in the sand somewhere. Next, if I do let the issue slide, and it bothers me the next day, then I have to speak up also. Following this rule lets me know when something outside has disturbed something on the inside.

Once you decide to address the situation, you need to think about the approach. This is effected by the environment and the nature of opponent/object. Sometimes, getting emotional is not the best way to handle your frustration. Other times, showing a little heat is necessary. You have to know who and what you are dealing with and the constraints on every situation and what you want from all of this. A good example is relationships. Sometimes, your significant other is dead wrong about something, but you let them have their way anyway to keep the peace. Every potential battle is not worth fighting or commenting on. But if you do let it go, let it go for good.

Finally, you must prepare yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually. What if things do not go the way you plan? Can you deal with possibly being criticized, rejected or hurt in retaliation? And it comes down to what is it really worth.

Who begins a work and counteth not the cost.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Learn to deal with conflict effectively and constructively. Through struggle, life is made beautiful.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: What is Worth Fighting for?

Loneliness, Black men, and Friendships: Part I

Superspade family, I am starting a 12-part series dealing with Loneliness, Black men, and Friendships. I think this issue is a silent crisis that is crippling Black men and our ability to forge meaningful relationships with each other while also seriously undermining our coping skills as life presents constant challenges. To be sure, I bounced around the ideas I had for this series with a handful of folks and based off the spirited exchanges, I knew God placed this issue on my heart for a reason.

And while this series will deal exclusively with Black men, it is applicable to a wide range of people. So I encourage men and women to add their thoughts as I am sure the issues discussed will broaden as deep and wide as the glaciers that span the polar ice caps. So to break the ice as it were, I thought I should kick things off with an introduction.

So imagine this, a young Black man in his late twenties to early thirties is preparing to get married. Everything is going fine; he and his fiancée are going through pre-marriage counseling and they joke about how silly it is to compare and contrast the prices for seat covers. So one night, the bride-to-be gives her fiancée the list she compiled for all the bridesmaids she wants to have in the wedding. She asks him what he thinks and her man looks over the list of five bridesmaids and says, (like Eddie Murphy in Raw) “OK.” The bride-to-be then informs her fiancée that he needs to find five groomsmen.

That scenario inspired this whole series because the fact is, most men do not have five best friends they can count on to be groomsmen in their wedding. I know most guys will recruit some family members to fill in the empty spots but for our purposes, let’s assume there will be no family fill-ins even though family can be your friends as well.

Do you have five close male friends you can call on? Really ponder that for a moment.

I surely don’t have five close male friends I could call on and I am sure many other Black men fit this same profile. And let’s not get caught up in semantics here, if you have three Black male friends, I am not saying you need to pick up two more. However, it is imperative that we take a bird’s eye view and understand what is happening to the quantity and quality of our Black male friendships as many of us suffer in silence, no matter the socioeconomic status.

Additionally, the machismo culture we live in has done a number on lessening the quality of Black male friendships as materialism and the quest for women has occupied far too much of our time and resources. You may ask why I keep harping on friendships between Black men, and here’s why. I believe that that when a man can share his hopes, heart, and fears with another man, that avenue empowers the entire community, period.

Moreover, I believe many Black men have learned to depend too much on female friendships to the point where we only feel comfortable sharing our emotions (if we even do that) with women. And as many of you can attest, the plethora of male-female friendships presents a whole range of issues that I will delve into later in the series. So regardless of your personal ratio of male friends to female friends, our community will prove to be so much stronger if we can better negotiate same gender friendships. This is particularly poignant when we can create spaces for Black men that facilitate friendships that are long-lasting, meaningful, and uplifting.

And so we are on the same page, I am coming to grips with my own issues concerning Black male friendships, so this series is less concerned with me coming up with answers rather than asking the right questions. My experiences and observations and conversations throughout my lifetime largely inform this series which means that if you disagree with I am trying to make, please make your presence felt. We all come from different walks from life so I will ask you the reader to help make this mosaic of understanding deeper levels of Black Thought as it concerns, Loneliness, Black Men, and Friendships.

There will be new posts once a week, so watch out for the second part in this series as we explore how Black men can come to grips with the fact that we don’t have many friends without sounding sappy.

Stay up fam,
Brandon

Waiting on Friendship

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to the Diane Rehm Show on NPR. Her guest was Joseph Epstein and he was discussing his most recent book, “Friendship: An Expose”. There was one part of the interview that was very interesting. Joseph described the difference between people who initiate the work needed to maintain friendships and those that. Keep reading to find out what description best describes you and other thoughts I have on the often misunderstood notion of friendship.

Joe described “initiators” as people who make a point to keep in touch with their friends. Whether it’s calling, email, or making plans to go out, these people don’t wait for their friends to get in touch with them. That sounds like you right?

Sure it does. But listen to how Joe describes waiters; these people may have many friends but they are often time in a state of anticipating being interrupted by a call or email. Rarely do waiters take the time/energy to interrupt their own lives to contact their friends. I would interpret waiters as people who get really excited when they see emails from other people with subjects like, “Where have you been?” or “Long time, no see.” However, when it comes to heartfelt emails like these, waiters click “open” and not “send.”

More specifically, Joe briefly discussed that many more people describe themselves as lonely and feel like there is no one they can talk to. He went on to point out that research shows that the majority of people who are married, only talk to their spouses about sensitive issues whereas past research shows men and women used to cite neighbors, church members, etc. as other people they confided in addition to their spouses. (I apologize for not citing the research but you can listen to this show by visiting this site.)

I think this sense of loneliness is one of the most underrated issues facing our society. And for people not involved in romantic relationships, I believe this sense of loneliness is compounded. Let me know how you feel about this sentiment.

Though Epstein didn’t touch on this issue directly, I don’t think we can talk about friendship without discussing how technology has enhanced or hindered the modern-day friendship. I think members of my generation generally lack the necessary tools/knowledge to maintain healthy friendships. On one hand, I think that cell phones, email, and social networks do a wonderful job of helping us keep in contact with people that we would otherwise probably never speak. However, the massive amounts of connections we make are frequently maintained by generic discussion points/questions that are easily transferable.

And for the people we call our friends, there is a tendency to use technology as a barrier for allowing people to really probe into our lives. We can see this all the time like when you have bad news or you don’t necessarily want to talk, you send an email. When you don’t want to continue having a probing conversation over the phone, we pretend we have to go or just not answer the phone. And argue?!? Rarely do you see healthy arguments anymore so everywhere you go, there is a permanent sense of fakeness due to the fact that too many of us are not honest enough to ask tough questions or say something as simple as, “I don’t like that you did X because of Y.”

There are numbers on your cell phone that you scroll through everyday knowing good and well you are never going to call them, that is unless, they are calling you. And if and when these people do call, we make fake promises to keep in touch or promise to talk at least once a month. But we don’t follow up.

But do we have to tolerate such high levels of charades? I don’t think so. However, I think all of us have some waiter and initiator qualities. Unfortunately, because the notion of sacrifice is virtually non-existent, it so much easier to blame our lack of friendship building on how busy we are. You are not that busy!

But if you think you are that busy, here are some tips to help maintain healthy friendships.

Call people after 9 and even if they don’t pick up, leave a message. Too many of us call people hoping they don’t answer the phone. So why are you calling them in the first place?

If your friends are local, finding time to see them will not put the biggest wrinkle in your schedule. Think about how much time we watch TV, surf the internet, and other mindless activities. Like I said, you are not that busy. However, I suggest finding a way to weave friends in your life. For example, my friend Dumi had plans to see Tavis Smiley’s Covenant Tour at Greater Grace Temple in Detroit. He dropped me a quick email asking me if I was going. I was thinking about going any, but because of his email, we are able to kill two birds with one stone. Now had he not called me, I probably would have seen him after it was over and we would have said hi and that would be it. But that is just one example of how seeing someone in person doesn’t require such extensive planning.

Use email to supplement conversations, not replace them.

Don’t waste time focusing on mind numbing questions like, “How is the job going?” “It’s cool.” Ask meaningful questions whose responses are not automatic or anticipated. Here’s a good rule for people you don’t talk to all the time, ask and answer a meaningful question. And if the other person can’t think of a question, answer your own.

Find ways to bless your friends. It takes less than you think. I have friends who I know might be fans of a certain team so if I see an article on espn.com, I’ll forward them that article. Or if you know someone who is preparing for something bigger and better (which appears to be most everybody) don’t just ask them how its going, but find out if there is someone you know that can help them or send them resources that will be helpful in their life path.

Pray for your friends. Not just when they ask you to but for as much as family is the default prayer request, try staying in your prayer closet a little while long to make sure that your friends are covered.

Like I said, I think all of us have waiter tendencies, I just hope this post encouraged you to be more of an initiator. I know I am guilty of not being a good friend on many fronts. So just know that I write for myself first. But after all is said and done, I hope this blog and this post will help us build stronger and healthier friendships.

Don’t wait, initiate

Stay up fam,

Brandon Q.

The Weekly Dream: Everything and Nothing

“We want everything and nothing. We want to stand in the spot light, but suffer from stage fright.”

I love music. Music is what I use to control my moods and also relax. I love music of all kinds, from R&B to Jazz to Classical. I have always loved music and I find it almost impossible to do anything without it. And as long as I can remember, I have wanted to learn how to play the piano. In grade school, my dream life was to own a pent-house and play all of my favorite songs on this magnificent grand piano. In college, I even went as far as purchasing a piano book and practicing in the dorms an hour a day.

Since then, I could never find the time or the money to really devote to this hobby. Enter car notes, dry cleaning bills, studying etc. and there seems not to be enough hours in the day. And unless I carve out some serious time and make a serious investment, I do not see anyway to make this dream come true.

This is not the only ambition I have. I also want to learn three languages before I die. I want to write the great American novel, a book of poetry and my autobiography (but first you have to live a life worth reading about). I want to be on the cover of FORTUNE. Sometimes, it feels like I am a conglomerate of random hopes, dreams, desires and wants. But so are most people to me.

I Want It!

I have alluded many times that there is a difference between wanting something and being ready for it. In an ideal world, our wants would keep base with our level of preparedness. For instance, people would not become rich until they were mentally and spiritually prepared to deal with the changes that wealth brings. People would not get married until they fully understood their responsibility in the marital relationship. But that is not how the world works.

In economics, a common and misguided assumption is that human behavior is rational. However, if you have ever encountered children, you know that is not the case. As human beings, we want what we want when we want it. Who cares if we are not prepared for what will be demanded of us in return? It takes a ton of maturity to step back and acknowledge our limitations. There are things that we must master (i.e. fundamentals) and lessons we must learn before we can have the satisfaction of attaining our wants.

In addition, the price you are willing to pay for your wants will determine the level of fulfillment you experience. For example, I was watching Vh1 and there was a story on a music group that took $1.7 million dollars and set it on fire. Money was so abundant and free flowing to them at the time that there was no fulfillment that could be had from buying another car, drugs, houses etc. But the more you have to give, the more you appreciate it. When things come easy, when there is no struggle and no sacrifice, it is only a matter of time when one want is gratified, another springs up in its place. And that is really annoying.

Stewardship 101

This is exactly the case when someone else is footing the bill. I am amazed at how whimsical people become with the resources of others. I have been out with people and when I was footing the bill, they were merciless. Or if I had made a sacrifice, they would act like it was nothing. There is no greater feeling of hurt and disappointment than when you go out of your way for someone and they treat it as nothing. Whatever happened to stewardship? Is it a lost art? Stewardship in a nutshell is to hold the resources of another in trust. It is the ultimate position of responsibility.

We are always accountable to someone, whether we acknowledge it or not, for everything we have control over. We are accountable for our time, money, relationships, and wants. When you are a steward, you move beyond the base level of slaving to fulfill wants and begin to think about what is the best use of resources in this particular situation. Stewardship enables one to prioritize what pursuits are worthwhile and what are frivolous. Therefore, we must train our appetites to want the right things and to pursue only those things that will yield the best outcome.

Free Your Mind

How do you classify and distinguish between your needs and wants? Stewardship begins with a mindset. And just as we train the body, we must train the mind by bombarding it with positive things and healthy desires until we want it bad enough to do something about it. As a freshman in college, my roommates would read the Robb Report as motivation to study and spend our time wisely. We saw the lifestyle we wanted and meditated on what it would take to get there, until we believed that it was possible. Accordingly, we spent our resources wisely and maximized our opportunity.

For me, I often picture having to answer to God, my ancestors, my unborn children, my family, and my future self as to the life I lead and the things I choose to pursue. Somehow, taking the long view helps me stay focused. As a result of my point of view, I lead a different life. I realize that I cannot do what everyone else does because I am different. I must prepare myself and my family for the life we will one day lead.

Find something or someone to hold yourself accountable to. Begin to view your life as an aggregation of resources to be deployed wisely. We only have so much time, energy, health, and money at our disposal. Instead of spending these resources, begin to INVEST them. Think about how your wants will affect those you love and care about. What are the implications for the future. Meditate on what is good and dig for the root of your desires. Think about the moment you finally get what you want, will you be fulfilled, how long will you be happy? What does this particular want represent?

As human beings, we are forgetful creatures and must constantly remind ourselves of these things. However, with practice, patience and discipline, we can be the stewards that we were meant to be.

If you really want it, prepare for it.

Luck is where opportunity and preparation meet.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: Where do your wants come from?

SuperSpade Speechwriting: Impacting the Present One at a Time, v0.5

Thank you for your input on the subject of this speech on Family and Impacting the Present. Now, as promised, here is a draft of my outline/talking points.

I. Intro
  a. Why do we have reunions?
    i. Reunions Magazine: Purposes of Reunions
      1. 57% to keep in touch
      2. 28% to teach kids about family heritage
      3. Other reasons: Get together before an elder passes on, Mark special birthday, holiday, or other occasion
  b. How do they start?
    i. Innocent comments, like “We should celebrate more often.”
    ii. Any other positive action starts the same way…
  c. Acknowledgments & Thank You’s
  d. The Point
    i. Ephesians 4.4-6: There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
    ii. Impact the present ‘one at a time.’ One person. One family. One vision. One dream. One thought. One purpose. One action.

II. Content
  a. Helen Keller paraphrase: “To keep our faces toward change… is strength undefeatable.” (Thanks Raye!)
    i. There exists at all times (especially the present) the opportunity to effect positive change in your own personal situation and in the lives of others…
      1. Everybody can benefit somebody…
      2. I can help people while being helped; don’t think you have to wait “until you’re ready…”
    ii. As we focus on change, we can find strength in numbers. One can become many.
      1. Since many of us have the same challenges, we can face them together (as a family or some other collective) as opposed to alone. We all can become stronger if we keep this in mind…
      2. Basic Shared struggles
        a. Personal examples
          i. Finding my purpose
          ii. Managing relationships
            1. Familial
            2. Friendships
            3. Romantic interactions
          iii.Managing time
            1. Giving everyone the time they need/deserve
            2. Getting ‘Me’ Time
            3. Work-Life Balance
        b. Ask the audience
      3. More complex shared struggles
        a. Money
          i. Lack thereof
          ii. Not knowing what to do with it
        b. Jobs
          i. Unemployment
          ii. Underemployment
        c. Politics
          i. Not caring
          ii. Not understanding on a personal, practical level
    iii. I believe that in the midst of interested people with one vision that care for the well-being of all, solutions can be reached. Well, what’s a more interested party than the family!?!?!? (Thanks Anon!)
      1. We can play the role of encouragers and mentors to family members and strangers alike…
      2. We are blessed to be such a strong, close-knit family…
      3. Let this family impact the present in a positive way and be an example of what one family united with one vision can do…
  b. Old African proverb – “It takes a village to raise a child”
    i. The family can and should be the beginning of that village
    ii. Family is important in making sure that a child is prepared to live in the future…
      1. Two types of family: Related by Blood vs. Related by Choice
        a. Blood
          i. What most think of when they say family
          ii. The easy one to define…
        b. Choice
          i. “Friends are your chosen family.”
          ii. Important to me as an only child…
      2. Both are necessary for future generational success.
        a. We can strengthen both at the same time…
          i. Be a father and a mentor to someone who is not your son or daughter
          ii. Be an auntie and a friend to the young man/woman you work with
        b. We are valuable and dynamic people, who can do more than one thing at once and more than one thing well. One person can affect many people in a positive way.
      3. What are we doing to prepare the Jackson family and our collective Black family for the future?
        a. “Strengthening Black Families today in order to get them ready for tomorrow…”
  c. When we fall we have to get back up – losing today does not guarantee losing tomorrow.
    i. There has been a lot in the news lately about the terrible state of the Black family and the seemingly too-far-gone-to-salvage state of the Black man
    ii. We have many examples in this family from the past and the present that buck this trend
      1. (List of names omitted)…
    iii.Those of us today have a responsibility to change the state of the Black man one mentee at a time. We have a responsibility as a family to change the state of the Black family one family at a time…

III.Conclusion
  a. Problems typically look worse than they actually are. If we are committed to working together as one, we can overcome any and everything that we encounter.
    i. 2 Timothy 1.7: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
    ii. Let’s remember our shared experiences and our shared interests in the future. We can use these to build a solid foundation that the future, which will be talked about by the next speaker, can be as positive as possible.
  b. This is bigger than the present. We need to use it to confront and conquer the problems of the past and lay foundation for the coming days. After all, today will be the past tomorrow. Every day, we can make tomorrow better, one day at a time, one action at a time, one person at a time.

Some pieces are more clearly fleshed out than others, but this is what we’ve got so far. I need help pretty much everywhere, but especially the conclusion.

I thank you all in advance for all of the criticism, suggestions, and encouragement you give me on these points.

One Love. One II.

The Weekly Dream: Water into Blood

“Iron sharpeneth iron; so does a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.”
-Prov. 27:17

This month we have been celebrating family month. However, what is family? Is it the strict blood and legal status of individuals or is it something more? Why is it that there are people who you feel closer to than members in your own family. I think the underpinning of this is the complex web of human interaction. I have stated many times that all relationships are built on time and experience. There is a direct correlation to the quality of the relationship and these two factors. I like to call this quality the “fondness factor.” We are more fond of individuals with whom we spend our time and share our experiences. Why? Well, because human beings attach interpretation/perception to factual occurrences in the form of values, opinions, and emotions.

The other day, I was discussing how the younger generation do not know how to maintain relationships. How are we supposed to build functional families, friendships and marriages when a lot of times we have not seen one before? If we know what they look like, who is going to teach us the process that yields the final product? In our commodity-driven world, people get lost in the mix and are treated as replaceable, when in actuality, a functional relationship is blood, sweat, tears and a lot of forgiveness.

With that said, there is no bond that is more mysterious and complex than the one between siblings.

Stop Wearing My Shirt, Stay Out of My Stuff

I am the oldest of five children. However, anyone who knows my brothers that are closest to me in age know that we are three different people. This is something that always baffled me: We are three people, with the same parents, similar experiences and we came out completely different, yet there are enough similarities between us that you can tell we are related. I don’t understand it. I do know that all of us play a special role in our family structure, suited to our personality.

Our family always stressed the importance of maintaining our relationship, despite our differences. “Nothing comes between you and your brothers” is something that was often said in our house. It was really all for one and one for all. The DeVougas approach to ensuring this was to force substantial amounts of time with each other. For a long time, my every waking moment was spent with one of them. If one person went somewhere, we all had to go. If I was apart of something, my brothers were going to do it or come support it. We moved as a unit, despite our unique personalities. My family never had favorites, but ensured that no one thought he was smarter or better than the other.

As we became older and our differences became more pronounced, there was an adjustment period that we had to undergo, especially when I moved back to Wisconsin after college. My little brothers were no longer boys I could beat up for wearing my clothes and touching my things: they were men. We had to adapt to each other in those roles and accept each other as the men we were and were becoming. We had to understand boundaries and respect decisions. Without this understanding, there is no way we could have gone forward.

Brothers in the Struggle

Another layer of attachment comes with our friendships. During adolescence, it is normal for teens to feel closer to their peers than their family. Naturally, we gravitate to individuals who are going through the same phase of life we are going through. To this day, I feel a special fondness for my friends because I know that they are facing the same challenges, decisions and difficulties I am going through. They call me out when I am wrong and I appreciate that.

There are times when your blood relatives do not understand what you are dealing with, but others in the same predicament can. This does not mean that these individuals are more important than your blood. However, when you are going to war, you need good counsel and support.

The Grand Finale

This is why it is very important to be careful with whom we form these relationships and attachments to. Because as our fondness increases, so does the level of trust that is involved. I would trust my life with my brothers and those who I really consider my friends. They are people of character, integrity and honesty. These are people you can let your guard down with and share your hopes and dreams. So screen the people you form your attachments with. Watch how they treat their family and look at their morals and values (Hint: How people deal with money is a great litmus test as to who you are dealing with).

Our friends and siblings are a gift. Through our striving and interaction, we have helped form our personalities. I used to say to my brothers, “because I am who I am, you can be you and vice versa.” That is the closeness we share. Knowing that we are constantly changing and growing, it takes effort to maintain this balance.

If we want to experience a new dimension in our friendships and relationships in general, make an effort to become excellent at relationship management. We all our busy and life happens, but we make time for what is important. Personally, I try to call people and check on them while I am driving or waiting to let them know they were on my mind. And if some one calls me, I try to return their call within twenty four hours. This type of consistent relationship management cannot help but win you a lifetime of friendship and enduring relationships.

While it is true that people move in and out of our lives in seasons, we should make an effort to hold fast to those who we feel are important and want to stay in contact with. In the area of relationships, if you are not growing, you are dying. If you are not moving forward, you are moving backward. So, maintain relationships and hold fast to good friendships, they are hard to come by.

Ultimately, we are here to help each other and keep each other on this journey called life. I count my relationships with others as one of my most valuable assets. Therefore, I make it my business to maintain and reinforce the fondness within each and everyone of them. You cannot be your best without a little help.

Specialize in friendship.

To have friends, you must show yourself friendly.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas

Question of the Week: How do you strengthen your relationships?

Why Gay Marriage is a Non-Issue

The Fundies have been at it again lately. For those who have not heard, the Senate debated, voted on, and defeated a proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage by explicitly defining marriage as between a mand and a woman. This was a prime example of posturing by conservatives in the Senate to try to “energize” people misguided enough to think that this “issue” is important. Call it another example of the way the current administration chooses to waste the time and resources of people in this country.

Unfortunately, this tactic has worked in the past. G. W. Bush got about 9% of the Black vote in 2004, and this was thanks to the not-so-small roll that the gay marriage “issue” played in the hearts and minds of some Black voters. This was an appeal to voter’s whose “Christian” values would not allow them to support a candidate who did not have a problem with gay people getting married and enjoying the benefits thereof. This is sinister because it could (and in my opinion did) lead to people voting against their own best interests because they wanted a candidate that stood on the “right” side (pun intended) of the gay marriage debate.

The bigger question is, why does this work? What makes two people getting married, regardless of their sex, so important to me or you? In my view, it has worked because people have been successfully fooled into letting other people set their priorities. Who are these chosen priority setters? Maybe it’s your president. Maybe it’s your pastor. Either way, if it’s not you, then three is a problem. The bottom line is that we should do what we can to not let our agency be taken from us. We deal a lot with all of the reason why it’s asinine to let G. W. Bush & company to set our priorities. In a later post, I will deal with the danger in letting your pastor do it for you.

Back to the specific issue of this post, this is an issue of control. Some people want the government to control any and every aspect of life. What is ironic here is that conservatives are pushing this notion upon people’s personal lives when it is conservatives who believe in “smaller” government. This current crop certainly believes in small government when it comes to its workings with major corporations. Think about this: the constitution, with all of its flaws, was a document [in theory] written to grant rights. This proposed amendment would have been the first change to the document (had it been accepted) that would have specifically and explicitly excluded a group of people from something (before you jump on me the 3/5 provision does not do this). They want to exclude people from getting married in the legal sense of the word. However, does not having the legal means to do something mean that it won’t happen? Does it make relationships between individuals of the same sex any less meaningful? NO.

For these reasons, and others, this is a non-issue. There are other things that I’d rather see our citizenry and our government spend their resources addressing. Out site is subtitled “Black Thought at the HIGHEST Level” because we want everyone to elevate their thinking beyond the petty tactics and strategies of those who wish to harm us through tricking us into acting in ways harmful to ourselves. We can achieve this through talking about the issues amongst ourselves so that we have a concrete understanding of what’s really going on so that we can make informed decisions for ourselves.

One Love. One II.

Strangers

I got very troublesome news from back home last night concerning 2 cousins of mine. Being an only child, they are the closest things I have to a brother and a sister. As such, we are all rather close, and when things happen to one of us, they effect all of us. These relationships can serve as microcosms for the connection that we as a people share and must acknowledge in order to advance in our collective knowledge of self.

Most without siblings value tremendously the relationships they form with their extended family and their “chosen family,” who are more often referred to as their friends. Most are not comfortable losing people, finding out family members are hurt, unheard from, or [potentially] in danger. This is news that is never good, whether you spoke to the people minutes, hours, or days before whatever happened happened, as was my case, or if you have not interacted with the person(s) for an extended period of time. In both cases, you will generally go through the following set of emotions/responses:

Disbelief (Are you serious?)
Helplessness (Could I have stopped/prevented this? Is there anything I can do now?)
Questioning (What happened? How did this happen?)
Action (I’m coming home/over right now!)
Evaluation (Is everything cool now? What can we do going forward?)

These are all things that I thought/felt/said when I got the call about my cousin’s stabbing and my other cousin’s disappearance. Thankfully, the slightly older cousin (slightly because they are both 18) is back home safely and the younger cousin escaped with “minor” injuries. The reason I, and most other people, can literally feel the connection to the individual(s) effected by the happenings.

The question, is how do we create this connection between those who are not family? It is created between friends through choice, trust, and experience. However, can we choose, trust, and share experiences with strangers? I argue that we can, since we are not strangers. What? You don’t know me, therefore you’re a stranger. Well, I say that a stranger is a person with whom you have not connection, literal or figurative. Using this definition, we cannot consider ourselves strangers to anyone. Taking myself as an example, I have shared experiences with others as humans, others as Black people, others as Black men, others as native Detroiters, others as current/former basketball players, others as Christians, others as tall people, etc. We should think about the basic things that we have in common, and from there we can grow in our compassion and community.

Doing this will give us the level of empathy to understand and embrace one another during “happy” and “difficult” times. The “happy” times are important because we often only think of our connection during “low” moments (how many people only see certain family at funerals?). We can change this. Let’s get back to the basics everybody. We can flip the notion of only seeing one another at funerals to seeing one another at graduations. We can flip the notion of only talking to people when tragedies strike to talking to people when we think about each other. If we can change the way we think of one another, not as separate entities but as members of the same collective body, then perhaps we can build a firm foundation upon which current and future generations can create a humanity that is not so divisive or defensive, one that is more practical, one that is more sensitive to the wants and needs of everyone.

Doing this can be the basis for changing the fundamental way that we think about things. What is going on in the mind of a young man or group of young men that attempt to take the life of another? What is going on in the mind of a young person who leaves their mother on Mother’s Day? These are questions that cannot be asked or answered if we consider ourselves strangers. Let’s create a closeness that bridges artificial boundaries.

Successful revolution is not created from hatred, anger, or being “fed up.” It is created out of love for and knowledge of self and love between former “strangers.”

One Love. One II.

Marriage, Basketball Schedules, and the Off-Arm

Long time no see fam!!! Your Superspade was holding it down in sunny/smoggy California on business all last week, but I have been pregnant with ideas that I am ready to birth. But before that, I just want to let my co-contributors, Steve, Garlin, and guest writers know that I am their number one fan and I am so proud to be associated with this site. We are taking it back to basics!!!

With that said, last week, I had an interesting epiphany that I think summarizes the two major obstacles that make brothers fear marriage; obedience and compromise.

Basketball Schedules

A couple years ago, I asked a mentor of mine, CJ, how he made his marriage work. He then taught me a lesson about marriage that really took my understanding of marriage to a whole new level that I am passing on to you. CJ played basketball in college and actually tried out for a couple of professional teams to no avail. Needless to say, CJ is serious about his basketball. And while he was dating his wife, Kecia, in college, he played basketball every Saturday morning with the fellas. And for the real hoopers, you know few things can compare to Saturday morning basketball followed by food, sports, and ignorance.

So CJ keeps up this routine during their courtship, engagement, and into the marriage. Now a couple years after being happily married, one day CJ woke up on a Saturday morning and packed his gym bag. No sooner than CJ is done washing down the last bit of bagel with OJ, does Kecia come in and say matter-of-factly, “Where do you think you’re going?” After clearing his throat, the stunned CJ replies, “What are you talking about? I am about to go hoop, like I always do.” Never faded, Kecia says, “Well, you are going to have to start asking permission to play ball on Saturdays because I might have plans for us.”

As you can imagine, CJ didn’t play ball that day but that’s what CJ wanted me to learn. The fact was that there some Saturdays he did play and there were days he didn’t. But whatever he did on any Saturday, he had to run it past Kecia to see if she had any plans for them. And just so we’re clear, neither Kecia, nor CJ is whipped and they have a beautiful marriage. The gist of the story is that by learning obedience the easy way, CJ was able to side-step a problem that could have grown out of control. And it doesn’t matter that CJ played ball before he got married or that Kecia didn’t tell him the rules before hand, the man was right to obey, period. Now insert basketball schedules with something you planned on keeping sacred from your bachelor days and imagine your wife telling you that that thing has to go by her. Only then will you understand how vital it is for men to understand the power and liberty that accompanies obedience. It will save you a world of grief, take it from CJ.

The Off-Arm

Now for any guy that has ever slept with a woman, (I mean sleep, not sex) than you have probably had requests from your woman to hold/cuddle her as she dozes off to sleep. And if she was really mushy, she probably wanted to wake up in the exact same position. That’s all fine and dandy, but that is not comfortable for the fellas due to the clumsiness of the off-arm. What do I mean? Let me draw you a mental picture. Let’s assume that you are in the bed and you and your partner and facing the left side such that the left side of your body is touching the bed and the right side of your body is facing the ceiling. Now if you are holding your woman, then chances are you are holding her with your right arm.

But what do you do with your left arm!!!! In this example, left arm is the off-arm and its use is critical to getting a good night’s rest. Now there are five positions where you can position the arm if you are indeed trying to go to sleep in this position. (Assume all positions keep your right arm holding your partner across the torso.)

Position 1 involves keeping your off-arm being extended above her head where it is highly vulnerable to going to sleep and you probably don’t want to sleep with your face in your armpits. Position 2 utilizes the off-arm as a pseudo pillow such that it is nestled at the base of her neck but in this position, you won’t be able to turn over without waking her up. Position 3 places the off-arm underneath the left side of your partners torso, such that both of your arms would be wrapped around her torso. This would be the equivalent of standing behind your partner and holding them around the waist. The problem with this position is that your partner is sleeping on your off arm!!! Which means your hand is going to be blue in the morning due to lack of blood circulation and don’t even think about turning over because you are stuck. Position 4 involves your off arm slightly in front of you but having your forearm lodged in the back of your partner. While this is the most versatile position in terms of maneuverability, it creates considerable distance that your partner may find unacceptable. And lastly, Position 5 involves your off arm being placed directly under your left side such that you are going to sleep on your own off-arm. In which case your off-arm will either be numb or will disrupt the curvature of your spine so that your sleep is not sound.

Now fellas, why would I describe the 5 positions of the off-arm dilemma? It’s because you are going to be sleeping with the same woman every night for the rest of your life!!! And quite frankly, I think the off-arm dilemma is a major reason why men die before women. But in all seriousness, the off-arm dilemma to me represents the myriad of ways that men have to compromise to make their marriage work. And likewise, if you don’t cook and your woman does, she may have to cook on days that she doesn’t want to because both of you are too cheap to order out. (invest that money) And there may be days that you just want to sleep in opposite directions just so you can get a good night’s rest. But if she wants be held, just know you read about the off-arm here at Superspade. So what did we learn fellas? Marriage is all about compromise and a healthy dose of obedience. And if you can’t see yourself doing those two things, then either she’s not the one or you need to man-up.

Looking forward to your comments,

Stay up fam,

Brandon

Relationagraphy

Location plays too much of a factor in relationships. Whether you or the person you are with have plans on attending graduate school in another state, switching jobs, or just want to see settle in another part of the nation/world, the chances of you having at least a part-time long distance relationship are increasingly high. What are the implications of this growing trend on relationships that have marriage potential? I got one clue from a friend of mine who said recently, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.”

I’m not ready yet
Are you currently in a place where you are avoiding serious relationships until you get a good feel for where you think you might be long-term? Or have you had a relationship hit a rough patch in anticipation of one or both of you relocating in different states? If not, then congratulations. If so, join the club. It is a really difficult situation that takes constant communication and trust. However, what troubles me is that one negative effect of the premium placed on location is that people will spend years in a temporary living/schooling/working situation and will close off all prospects of love because they don’t want to deal with someone who will not eventually end up where they want to be. In other words, a person getting an M.A. in New York who eventually wants to return to Kansas will only seriously engage others who either have plans on living in Kansas or live in Kansas already. I think this is somewhat closed-minded. Now I am all for being focused and being goal-oriented but when we think that the love of our lives has must be or want to be in the same state is silly. What’s more troubling is the notion that love and training/schooling don’t mix because you will always be making strides to improve yourself but love cannot be scheduled into Outlook. And once you find that person, he/she might be open to moving to Kansas and just maybe, just maybe, you might decide to stay in NY. I say all that to say that location is not as crippling as you might think.

Gender bias
Can we keep it real? Thanks, because in most long distance relationships, women are generally expected to relocate much more than men are expected to. As a result, you have situations where a man who relocates for his woman is often times labeled as “whipped,” where as a woman who relocates for her man is viewed as “doing her what she has to do.” This is extremely damaging to our relationships because these unspoken expectations result in grave misunderstandings of what the other person is looking for. Of course, these biases might be couched in the idea that the person making the most money should serve as the earth where their mate is the moon that revolves around them. So men, if your woman makes more money than you, your relocating does not take away any of your manhood. Likewise, women, your relocating does not make you any less independent than you are already.

But we should get married
You know I had to go there right? I think that making big geographical moves with someone without a ring is a very risky situation. To be clear, I am not talking about the 7-year engagement but marriage plans that have left the train station. Which brings me back to my friend’s quote I stated earlier, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.” Fellas, you would do well to remember this statement because you can’t expect your woman to jump through hoops and then get all quiet when marriage comes up. Man up!!! There is a reason why men propose but I will save that for another post.

I am not saying propose just to propose but before you ask someone to make that move, make sure you are willing to take it to the next level. Because if you two break up and are somewhere such that you need each other to cover the bills but both of you don’t know anyone, it could get real bad real soon. But at least if you are married, my hope is that your level of commitment would be cemented so that when times get hard, (and they will) the exit door will seem too small for you to leave. So don’t waste people’s time!!! You KNOW if you are willing to marry someone and if you know this is the one, stop trying to create doubts to talk yourself out of it. Being in a different location is not a disincentive for marriage and like I said before in previous posts, if marriage is all about compromise then how can people be stubborn as all get out but then expect to be compromising once they get married?

How do you feel distance complicates relationships? And how should it be resolved?

Looking forward to your comments,

Stay up fam,

Brandon

A Poverty of the Mind

It has been requested that I post my thoughts on “A Poverty of the Mind,” an opinion piece in the NY Times that was put out in response to the story that was the subject of “Is the Black Man in America doomed?” piece. “A Poverty of the Mind” speaks to what the author, Orlando Patterson, sees as what Black men have done/are doing to put themselves in the position that they are in. This position, like any other, has both merits and flaws. We can talk about both here.

Responsibility for one’s self is a basic truth of life. To ignore this responsibility is to completely victimize yourself or put yourself completely at the mercy of another. During different parts of life, there are differing levels of this self-responsibility. Children at birth do not have this responsibility. As they grow and mature, the responsibility is passed onto them, for some at a faster pace than others? At some [arbitrary] point, it all rests on them (where this point is is up for discussion, as I cannot pinpoint it exactly).

The question becomes, how do you measure how well you are doing in your own self-responsibility? I say it depends on your situation and your needs. Part of the answer to this question is in found in the “cultural explanations” that Patterson suggests. He says that “a cultural explanation of black male self-destructiveness addresses not simply the immediate connection between their attitudes and behavior and the undesired outcomes, but explores the origins and changing nature of these attitudes, perhaps over generations, in their brutalized past. It is impossible to understand the predatory sexuality and irresponsible fathering behavior of young black men without going back deep into their collective past.”

This is the truth. This exploration of cultural history will answer a lot of questions about origins of attitudes. However, I don’t think that it will reveal that Black men have a disposition that makes them more vulnerable to lies and images from the media as a result of their culture. I do think, though, that he will find that media assualt on the psyche combined with availability of the mind due to lack of activity (school, work) combined with an affinity towards a certain type of music may result in certain things seeming more attractive, accessible, and attainable: more “cool.” It is the combination that creates this. What I caution people not to do is look at cultural history in a vacuum. Environments and circumstances help to shape culture. Likewise, culture alters environments and circumstances. To examine one without the other is not meaningful, and Patterson says that we have only be looking at the environment and not the culture. Fair enough, but I do not want to see us move to the opposite extreme. Using the two together, we can identify ways to change both culture and environment in ways beneficial to our people. He makes the assertion that it may be easier to change culture. If that is true, then we can make cultural changes while at the same time changing our social, political, and economic environments (more on this below).

There are things that are in my mind unquestionably irresponsible: promiscuity and predatory sex, laziness in regard to challenging yourself and your mind, willful ignorance. I don’t see listening to 50 Cent or aspiring for a career in professional athletics as ignorant or irresponsible in and of itself. The ignorance comes in at the point where the mindset is “This is all I know. This is my only option, my only way out, my only way to survive or succeed.” That ignorance can be combatted by making other options visible. How do we do that? Mentorship. Mentorship, mentorship, mentorship. Personal relationships change everything. Culture, environment, mindset, everything. How can one mentor change an entire neighborhood? Long and short, easy and difficult journeys, all start with one step.

A flaw in Patterson’s approach, however, is demonstrated by the [in or out of context] words of Detroit Mackenzie High School Principal Bernard Bonam who said that the students “didn’t give a doggone thing about their education…”. The danger with this is that it is based on his assumptions on the motivations of certain student behaviors. To Bonam, the student’s culture in anti-education. Well, I’m no anthropologist, but I do know that part of culture has to do with the environment in which that culture exists. As Brandon said, why is he blaming students for the sorry state of Mackenzie? Did their culture force the school to not buy books? NO!!! My challenge to him, conservatives, and to anyone who takes solely this position is this: how many people have you talked to in the group that you are judging about their feelings on their situation? How diverse of a set of people did you reach? This is important because assumptions are dangerous. This is the problem with the whole “I’ve talked to students (or Black people or any ‘group’) and they said this…” line that people try to throw out. They often times have not talked to the people they needed to talk to to gain understanding.

I do agree with the author that many times socioeconomic factors only tell part of the story. However, I do not so readily discount these factors because of this. I see them fitting into a holistic approach to addressing these issues our people face: psychological, economic, and political. I do not agree with the “we have to solve this first before we can talk about that” approach to addressing our predicament. I believe that Black people, the most dynamic people on the planet, can do more than one thing at a time. We can address psychological, economic, social, political, and any other thing we need to solve by working together. Since everyone may or may not be skilled in or passionate about addressing political issues, should the political activists sit on the bench until they are tagged in by those expert in the psychological? NO!!! Solve problems in parallel, not in series. Nothings stops us from addressing broad issues while at the same time addressing personal ones. I can mentor a young man and help him find a job while dealing with my own personal insecurities. I can encourage a young girl to pursue her passion in art while at the same time organizing local town hall meetings on political issues of relevance to people of color. I can be a mentee of a more experienced entrepreneur while mentoring one who is less experienced than I.

Me and Orlando Patterson agree that people need to be responsible for themselves. Beyond that, I believe in collective responsibility for each other. I work towards a world where societal pressures, laws, or policies do not hurt us because of our strength of attitude and confidence. I work towards a world where giving into temptation does not result in plight because the system is able to sustain us and keep us from falling. In that world everyone helps themselves, and everyone helps everyone else. That is what community is to me. Perhaps Mr. Patterson and I can agree on that.

The Weekly Dream: Let Us Make Man…

“Let us make man in our own image…”
-Genesis 1:26

What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a good one or a bad one? What kind of man am I becoming? These are questions I have grappled with and continue to grapple with. And at this age, it is something that looms in the mind of many young men (See Brandon White’s commentary). The rub is that we are aspiring to an ideal that has yet to be effectively defined and articulated.

In other cultures, there exist “rites of passage” ceremonies or initiations where the male is entrusted with the code for the culture and charged with protecting that code. However, in America, there is no identifiable process. Normally, it has to do with arbitrary characteristics or status (i.e. facial hair, losing virginity, etc.) This is further exacerbated by the lack of males in American households. As a result, males, especially minorities, have inherited a warped and piecemeal perception of what it means to be masculine ( e.g. the glorified role of the “thug” in hip-hop). There is a crisis of manhood in America.

I understand that gender roles and traits are influenced in large part by the society at large and its needs. I also concede that this is one of those concepts that cannot be locked in. However, I do believe that form fits function. There are some traits that we naturally exhibit, that you see in children that make us who we are. So this week, I invite everyone to comment on what is a man and how that notion formed. Next week, we will address the ladies.

My Patchwork Quilt

Growing up, I gleaned my ideal of manhood from my family. Looking at my examples, men were providers and protectors first and foremost. They sacrificed. They were strong, consistent and decisive. They were leaders and they were not careless. They never showed vulnerability or weakness. Whatever happened, you just “sucked it up.” They controlled their emotions and never cried in public. I remember my father telling me to “never let them see you sweat.” You had to always seem like you were in control and radiate that toughness. And your word was your bond.

As I entered college, still in my teens, my friends and I began to forge our own code, in relation to other men and in interacting with women. The “guy” code centered around commanding respect, knowing where your loyalties were and sticking to your principles. You did not speak about things you did not know about and you minded your own business. Your words and actions were always deliberate—thinking ahead about the consequences. This took a lot of self-discipline.

With women, things became complicated and they still are because it added yet another layer of expectations to be imposed. You couldn’t constantly assert yourself, and in relationships, you learned to pick your battles. However, a lot of men never learn how to be a man in interacting and dealing with women; that is another article.

It’s a Man’s World?

At this point, I have learned that aspiring to be your own man, counter to what is “en vogue” in society, can be a thankless job. By eschewing societal standards and the expectations of others, there is no benchmark by which to measure you by.

There comes a point where you just become comfortable in your own skin. I know my limitations and I am fine with those. I believe that is the essence of manhood: To know who you are and to be comfortable with that. Yet, we must strive to always be the best that we can be. By doing so, we can bring out the best in others. I disagree with those who might say that there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” man. I believe in good and evil. I also believe that men and women both reflect qualities and characteristics of the Creator. So a bad man is one who does not exhibit those traits. However, if you are a bad man, you are probably a bad human being also.

End note

This is just the beginning of our exploration of our concept of gender and how it carries over into our behaviors and relationships.

As a man, all that is required is to do the best with the tools and information at hand.

Stick to the script, and eventually, someone will take notice.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M. DeVougas

Question of the Week: What does it mean to be a man? What shaped this ideal for you?

COTET: The Bigger Picture on Double Standards

I’d like to point you all to the second question posted on Chronicles of the Expecatant Tenth, and my comments in response to it. The question deals with how a woman are treated and addressed in the midst of the misogyny that is commercial hip-hop. However, I see this as openning up discussion on the broader issue of double standards and how we confront/destroy/embrace them.

I look forward to your commentary, as I see this as an extension of the things we have been discussing on The SuperSpade with regard to personal and familial and community relationships.

The Black Family Movement pt. II

Old rule: Black people cannot talk about a movement of any form until we heal our families.

Back in January, I wrote a post on the Black Family Movement and how Black people can not talk about a revolution until we heal our families. That post seemed to really strike a chord in the people that posted comments and I hope it helped those of you who did read it. And I promised I would come back with more so here it is.

SWhat bothers me profusely is the amount of generalizations Black people use to define themselves. You know what I’m talking about, “The Black family this, or Black women are that”. So what I am trying to do with the Black family movement series is to make it personal and to help your actions answer this question, “What am I doing to help heal/improve my family?” Often times, we take our family for granted and think that we are born with an innate love for them. But as with any relationships, they require sacrifice, understanding, flexibility, and communication. So please add to this list as you see fit, but make sure you are spending life energy on your family. “We all we got!!!”

1) For those of us who hold on to the anger related to an absent father (either physically or emotionally), know that that hurt is only weighing you down. Find a way to forgive them for their actions. This is not a matter of us comparing who went through the most painful childhood and this obviously will not happen over night, but it is a step in the right direction. Start walking.

2) Stop getting offended when a family member asks you about what is going on in your life. The chances are that they asking you because they care about you, not just to get in your business.

3) Have a meeting with your family to talk about building a trust fund and stop thinking that once you “make it” you are going to be able to take care of everybody.

4) Stop forgetting people’s birthdays and if you are getting a card/gift, give it to them on or before their birthday.

5) Keep track of what younger people in your family want to be when they grow up and constantly push them to challenge themselves for the better.

6) Think of all the reasons why you love the members of your family and tell them!!! What’s the point in waiting to tell them at their funeral?

7) Here’s something interesting. Start a family blog such that only members of the family can view the site and post comments.
Engage your family; learn about their politics, their philosophies on Black empowerment, and their thoughts on family and raising children. You would be surprised at how much you don’t know, trust me.

9) Your friends are not the only people you can have fun with. Why is it that so many people are appalled at the thought of going out with their family? (I’m talking about siblings, parents, cousins, etc.) Tear down these artificial social barriers in your life and find a way to weave family and friends into your social scene.

10) And this last point was number 10 on the first Black Family movement post but it bears repeating; the best reason is just because. This relates to everything.

And if you haven’t noticed, I end every post with “Stay up fam,” because we are all family. I don’t care how much of our bloodline we have in common because we all come from a great people whose sacrifices, love, and hard work made it possible for us to be here today.

Carpe diem,

Stay up fam,

Brandon

Indifference, Insecurity, and Assumption Transference

I am the biggest fan of The Weekly Dream on the planet. The most recent Dream on General Indifference has sparked some very interesting discussion on and off of the site. Rather than post an obnoxiously long comment, I thought I respond with a post that sums up my feelings on this topic. After all, that is my right as this site’s owner .

Attention is important. What is interesting to me, how people respond to it. Some people respond differently to the same levels of attention. That is not problematic, except in cases where we expect other people to respond in the same way(s) we do. A very basic yet illustrative example here is eye contact (similar to what Steve alluded to in the Dream). Some, when having another make intense eye contact with them, become nervous, begin fidgeting, and break the contact at the first opportunity. Others are compelled to return the stare, perhaps more intensely than the one they received. Is either response right or wrong? I don’t think so. Why is the same not true in relationships?

For me, the amount of time I spend on something/someone does not many times translate to my level of love for them. If that was the case, I would never leave my grandparents house. Yet we expect people to do things because “they should love us enough” to do it? I don’t know if that always works.

“If you loved me more, you’d…”

I’m not so sure that I could make the above statement. It is based upon a problem that all-too-often rears its vicious face in relationships: assumption transference. This can be defined as having your own notions on something, and then trying to force another individual or group to live within your notion. What’s worse is that often times when I’ve talked to people about this topic, they often reveal that the reason they said it was because they were unhappy with their own emotions. What that means to me is that they were trying to have someone else do something that they themselves did not even feel good doing! The example here is something like, “I love you so much that I didn’t eat all day. If you loved me more, or as much, you’d do the same.” You can replace “didn’t eat all day” with just about anything: “didn’t go to class,” “didn’t take that job,” “didn’t go see my family,” etc. to see my point. My questions is, why would we want to do that to our loved ones?

We need to have better ways of communicating our feelings. Perhaps we instead should be focusing on addressing the reasons we feel negatively about our emotions in the first place. In the above example, maybe the parties can talk about why they feel bad about the things they do because they “love each other so much.” This will likely be a very revealing conversation, so it will only be successful if it is honest and does not contain accusations. If you’re lying to the person, and cool with that, y’all shouldn’t be together in the first place (and probably won’t be together much longer). If you start accusing people of things, you’ll be in trouble because the accusee will be spending their energy defending him or herself instead of addressing the negative feelings that were the motivation for the conversation.

Now to the “Cater to you” sidebar. Let me submit a question and a theory to those who find the lyrics troublesome: do you view your current/previous relationship [or relationships in general] as a power struggle? As some abstract (or concrete) competition or back-and-forth game of 1-up? If yes, then I think I can understand why you would take issue with the ideas of this concept. However, not viewing these intimate interactions as struggles for power or dominance can unlock the door to mutual catering in a way that is fulfilling to all parties involved.

Why are relationships seen as power struggles so much? My theory is that this perspective is founded upon personal insecurity. If I feel weak and I am uncomfortable with my feeling(s) of weakness, then I will be on the defensive to try to stop anyone from exerting “power” over me. Likewise, if I feel strong, I may seek out opportunities to demonstrate my “strength” over others. The commonality between these two extremes is that they are founded upon insecurity. To feel one or the other is not insecure in and of itself. To feel one or the other and to project those feelings upon other people to “protect” or “exert” yourself is demonstration of insecurity.

Now a concrete example. Someone who feels weak will have a problem doing something for another person because they feel that it makes them look/seem weak. Also, they may be hesitant to do these things because they fear being exploited as a result of that “weakness.” This adds another element, also introduced by insecurity, which is distrust. It says, “I know that if I was in your position and you were dealing with a ‘weakling’ like me, then I’d exploit you.” This is what I mean by projecting your insecurities onto others. This sort of assumption transference leads to lots of misunderstanding and miscommunication and unhappiness. The assumptions, especially when they are wrong, will then lead to your counterpart becoming defensive, and then everybody loses, including the ‘weakling.’

How do we address this? By changing how we view our interactions. If you see your relationship as a chance to exert power over another person, that perspective may need to be re-evaluated. Similarly, if you see your relationship as a place in which you feel weak, perhaps that relationship should be re-evaluated and you should focus more on what is the basis for your feelings of weakness. My pastor has been talking about family and marriage over the past two months, and he can be paraphrased as saying, “real, functional relationships cannot be power struggles because in these cases two people become one and you cannot have a power struggle with yourself.” This is simplified, but it is true nonetheless. Does your right eye engage in a power struggle with your left eye over which will dominate your vision? They work together without struggling. The same can be true for people and their interactions.

We need to get to a point where we can face our personal insecurities and not pass them onto others. This would have implications not only in personal relationships, but in group social and even political interactions (you know I had to tie this back in to social and political issues somehow ).

Just my thoughts. I’ll let Steve stick to writing the Dreams from now on.

The Weekly Dream: General Indifference

“If you want to be somebody/If you want to go somewhere/ You better wake up and pay attention”
-Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit

“The seeds of great discoveries are constantly floating around us, but they only take root in minds well-prepared to receive it.”
-Scoop Jackson

“It means so much just to be present and bring all of yourself to the task at hand.”
-Cory Nettles

It is a miracle. Whatever we devote our attention to automatically grows and flourishes, because it is a tell tale sign of focus/priority. For instance, my mother has house plants over twenty years old, yet they grow to the ceiling. I thought it weird that as she cared for them, she spoke to them also. I always wondered what it is you say to a plant to make it grow, but what I realized is that it did not matter. The important thing only that time was taken out to tend to the needs of the plants at the moment.

The Gravamen

Attention is linked and rooted in so many other things. And based on the context, can be called many different names. One of the most valuable gifts we can offer to others is our undivided attention. I recently participated in a conference where we performed a listening exercise. For a few minutes, I sat across from my partner and “beamed” at them while they talked about whatever they wanted. Then it was my turn, but I could not respond to what had been said before. It was a little unsettling at first to have someone so intently focused on you. Yet, it helped sort out some things I did not know was there. I realized that having that attention is all too rare, although it costs us nothing.

Why Don’t More People Pay Attention

All of us have dealt with an individual who was not attentive and the frustration that comes as a result, yet how often do we find ourselves doing the same thing. Most of us live day to day on autopilot anyway. How much of your day are you conscious of what you are doing? How much is involved in active thinking and analyzing?

This normally plays itself out on the phone. During phone conversations, we are doing the dishes, talking to other people, watching other people. So many things compete for our attention and time is so limited, it is difficult to really “beam” in on the person/conversation/task. But I cannot help but wonder how many things pass us by because of this. Think about it, when was the last time you were totally present in a conversation or activity. Your mind did not wander, you were not multi-tasking, but you were completely focused on what was in front of you. I have found that life is far more rewarding when we are present and ready for action.

Inattentiveness can be a coping mechanism because with awareness, comes responsibility. I refer to this as being “decidedly ignorant.” A lot of people make a conscious effort not to educate themselves. In this Age of Information, I am amazed at how little the general public knows about how things work (e.g. politics, the economy, government, etc.). What’s more, they take pride in not knowing. Perhaps, these issues are not immediate as opposed to meeting daily needs, so there is no urgency but these things are important nonetheless. I have learned that ignoring a problem will not make it go away. So it is best to “man up” and work with what you have (Shameless Plug: We can directly conteract this trend by directing people www.TheSuperSpade.com).

Pearls before Swine

Some of us place our attention on things that are negative or just plain dumb. Forgive me, but is what is going on with Britney, Paris or Brad going to help you pay your bills. Sure, the beautiful people can be interesting and watching someone else’s life can be relaxing. However, some people get so wrapped up in things that do not matter or in other folks’ business, that they life is in shambles. They commit a cardinal sin: letting other people problems become their own.

People also have the tendency to only focus on the negative. One little thing happens and their day is shot. A change of focus is needed. Too many individuals are problem orientated instead of solution motivated. The church mothers said it best, “When God closes a door, he opens a window.”

Make sure you are handling your business and maintain proper perspective.

I want to cater to you…: A Sidebar

Attention varies based on the situation and context. And different things require varying levels of our attention. No doubt, you can wash the dishes and talk on the phone at the same time, and do a pretty good job. But if you want to do a great job (e.g. company is coming over), then you have to focus to drill down into the detail. This is more so true in the area of relationships.

There is a song called “Cater to You” by Destiny’s Child in which they discuss pampering their man. Yet so many of my female friends were offended by the song and dismissed it as sexist and one sided. However, I took it to illustrate the mutual concern and attention that is necessary for true intimacy. If your counterpart is doing their part, why not pamper them every once and a while. A little gratitude goes a long way.

It is unsettling to me how my generation and the generations that follow treat love and companionship as a pure arm’s length business transaction, where everyone is after their own interest. I have seen numerous individuals who consciously or unconsciously disregard the needs of their partners, or seem indifferent, but expect the world in return. This inattentiveness is selfishness. This type of relationship cannot prosper. In any relationship, we should key into what we can bring to the situation. How can we make it better? Giving it the attention and priority required. I believe that this is the key to a thriving relationship and what is meant by a helpmate.

In the End

Being attentive takes discipline and can be exhausting. Why? Because attention is not just attention, it demands so much more. The antenna does not need to be up all of the time. Sometimes, you do need mindless activity-it is called relaxation. But habitual inattentiveness is detrimental because it lulls us into a false sense of security; especially when it comes to people. God gave us five senses for a reason. Use them.

If you are alert, then you are harder to deceive.

Where your attention is, your heart will follow.

Attention is a commodity, spend it wisely.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: Who or what is currently holding your attention and why?

Are you late or are you late late?

If you have been or are sexually active, then you probably have a good idea of how tough those conversations can be. You know what makes me mad though? When I graduated from high school and from college, I was so happy to say to myself, “I’m glad I don’t have any kids.” It’s almost like I was more proud of not having kids than getting my degree. Now if you have kids I am not knocking you, please believe.

But I hate how common it is for people to have had to seriously contemplate having a baby. You know what I’m talking about, missed periods, broken condoms, birth control, pregnancy tests, the list goes on. And I wish I had some great insightful question to toss out there, but I don’t. I am just tired of hearing how common that experience is amongst my peers.

Stay up fam,

Brandon

The Weekly Dream: The Hunger for More

“Death is nothing, but to live defeated is to die everyday.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte

“While knowing that we will die someday, we think that all the others will die before us and that we will be the last to go. Death seems a long way off. Is this not shallow thinking? It is worthless and is only a joke within a dream…Insofar as death is always at one’s door, one should make sufficient effort to act quickly.”
-Hagakure: The Book of the Samarai, Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Once in college, a friend of Garlin’s and I came to us with a request. She admired our focus and point of view and she wanted us to mentor a young man, whom she thought had potential. We agreed to meet this young man and we did. However, we knew something was a little off.Garlin and I unanimously declined to take this young man under our tutelage. When asked why, we told her that he was not hungry. She looked perplexed, and we explained that we could look in his eyes and tell that this relationship would not work out.

When the student is ready, the master will appear…

In my first article, I wrote about the importance of passion. But then I realized that hunger was deeper than passion. It is passion taken to the next level. If passion is a flame, then hunger is a five alarm blaze. A person can pick and choose his passion, but hunger permeates your whole existence. It is a yearning mixed with a little desperation. It is the result of discipline, inner toughness, clarity of vision and a sense of urgency.

Hunger is what separated Michael Jordan from every other basketball player. People talked of Mike’s competitive streak and his killer instinct. But it was his hunger that drove him to constantly push himself to new heights. His hunger is what allowed him take over games anytime he wanted. This is what separates the good from the great.

When a person is hungry, failure is not an option because there are no other options but to reach your objective. This single-mindedness is the essence of the warrior mentality. Warriors are not concerned with death and they do not waste time or resources, but focus everything into execution. A warrior is keenly aware that this moment could well be his last.

Back Against the Wall

People with hunger act with frenetic energy. If you are tired, then you are probably bored. Therefore, it is essential that you seek new challenges to tap into new energy. A lack of energy=a lack of challenge. If you find yourself uninspired, lacking conviction and motivation, then it may be time for a change.

First, remove distractions. I spoke about this before, but it bears repeating. Next, make yourself uncomfortable. Be thankful, but be uncomfortable. This comes from a realization of your potential and how far you have to go in order to reach that. By facing risk, you must rise to the challenge. It could come internally or externally. It could be you have something to prove. Once people understand what they are really capable of and that they can have anything, they tend to work tirelessly to manifest that. Lastly, do not waste time.

If there is one thing I loathe is a person who wastes time. I learned early to take decisive and consistent action. It is possible to be hungry and to procrastinate. People who do this are generally known as bums. The point of hunger is to act with urgency and seize the moment. People who squander this precious resource or have no concept of timing demonstrate a fundamental ignorance or indifference that cannot result in success. Avoid these individuals; they have no control of their lives.

I will leave you with this…

My senior year of college, I ate Ramen noodles and two hot dogs pretty much every day. I had two jobs and seventeen credits. Yet, I received my highest grades during this time. I knew I had come too far to quit and that if I could succeed under these conditions, I could conquer anything. I grew to relish the pressure and the opportunity to prove myself. Knowing that the time would come, the hunger drove me to prepare.

At times, I have allowed the blaze to settle into a flame. When that occurs, it normally signals a change needs to be made. If you find yourself in this predicament, you also might consider making a change. Get hungry for change. Get hungry for greatness. Get hungry for better relationships. Get hungry for righteousness. Get hungry for LIFE. Dig deep, find the courage, and make that jump. When you do, don’t take “no” for an answer.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, but a hero dies but one.

Do not let compromise, timidity and apathy squelch the blaze.

Bon Vivant.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: What do you do to feed your hunger?

The Weekly Dream: The Greatest Love of All

The Most Important Relationship You Will Ever Have

“These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men”
-Isaiah 29:13
As the final week of Love Month, I struggled with how to close out this series. I began to reminisce on the times I have felt love and been loved, when I have experienced tough love and had to sacrifice. I really wanted to understand the character of love and its effect on me as a person. Eventually, as I followed this line of thought, I came to how I have developed as a person and how my understanding of God developed over time. Now walk with me for a moment. I am not doing an altar call or nothing like that, and I do not expect to win any popularity contests, but this is too important to sweep under the rug.

I grew up in a Christian household, reading the Bible, praying before meals and going to Church on Sundays. Do not get me wrong, I broke my fair share of commandments, but I did what I thought a good Christian should do for the most part.

Make it real for you…

But as I entered manhood, and no one was there to “make” me go to Church, I began to question my upbringing. Not that I wanted to switch religions or anything, but I had become frustrated with the imposition of rules and judgment by other people. I was tired of people bringing God into things He had no part of. I did not like what I had seen and the world I was entering. My interactions with others just caused more confusion. So I went through this real selfish phase, where I was just out for me. I was going to “figure it out for myself”. I was not going to bother God with the small everyday things, I would just tap him for the “big stuff.” I was full of pride. I wanted things to go my way and God to ride shotgun.

The reality was that I needed to get to know God for myself.

Up to this point, God had not yet become real to me, like really real. He was still in the sky.

You Got It Bad

One day, it sunk in that God wanted a relationship with me. I thought about how I acted when I first fell in love. Let me tell you, I love hard; it is all or nothing with me. So, when I fell in love with that special person, there was no more “me”, it was “us” from that day forward. When I looked around, everything reminded me of her. There is nothing I would not do or give if she needed or asked. And I didn’t expect anything in return. I was just glad to be able to come through for her. If she hurt me, I just couldn’t stop loving her, though I wanted to. I would not eat or sleep until things were right with us.

If I was having a bad day, just hearing her voice was enough to make everything all right. All I wanted to talk about was her. All roads lead back to her. I would move heaven and earth to make them happy. There were times when I did not have a dime to my name, but I would hustle up some change to make sure she did not have to go without. I was literally in my own world and she was queen.

This behavior was so irrational that people who have never experienced it think you are crazy. My family and friends thought I had developed a drug habit or something, because I was sooo not me anymore. I had lost all control and I did not care. I was consumed with love.

Once I experienced this, I understood it when in the Bible it said that God wants us to love Him with everything we have. It became real for me.

So from that day forward, I began to treat God as if He were a real person.

Love Makes Things Easy

A lot of people treat God as an option and not a necessity. Would you go days without saying anything to your significant other or children? How would you feel if your girlfriend or boyfriend never said “thank you” or “I love you”, ever? Or if you gave them everything they needed and wanted and they did not recognize how much effort you put forth and took you for granted?

If we treated people the way we treat God sometimes, no one would want anything to do with us. We would find ourselves alone very quickly. Yet, I believe that until you get that first relationship right, you cannot truly love others to your fullest potential.

The real question is why we treat God this way. Why do people treat God as a chore? For me, it was because I had not fully embraced God’s love. Love makes those things that are hard, easy. For example, if you love what you do, you can do it for hours. But if you hate it, time drags on. It is the same with spiritual matters. If you find that you possess this same attitude, and that you do not have the same joy doing what God wants or spending time seeking Him, then you might take a step back. It is a privilege to have God in our lives, because loving us is not easy. You and I are not good people all the time.

So how can we make a change? Make God real. Like human relationships, every one’s relationship with God will be different. Just like your marriage is going to be different than your best friends’ marriage. However, there are common traits that every normal and functional relationship has: good communication, concern, understanding, fidelity, etc. That is how you can measure the development of the relationship, by the fruit or characteristics of it.

In my generation, I run into a lot of my peers who use their distrust of the Church as a reason to not fully pursue their spiritual development. They think the pastors are crooked, the church folks were hypocrites, they would rather pay their tithes to a charity than to the Church and it was just phony. Others would say, “Well I just try to be a good person.”

I heard this with such frequency, I never stopped to think of it. When I did, I realized these statements arose out of ignorance and a misconception. If you think a pastor is crooked, you should not be a part of that ministry. You should go to a ministry that is not crooked. It is not about the church people being hypocrites, there are hypocrites inside and outside the church. If you have it all together, go and help those individuals out. Rare is the person whose words line up completely with their actions.

As far as tithes, you are not paying them to man, or an establishment, but because God wants you to. What the pastor or the church government does with those is between them and God, you did your part. And being a good person is just the beginning, God still wants to know you. And more importantly, that does not mean you know Him.

So the real issue is that people do not want to change. And when love comes, along with that comes the challenge to change and grow.

You Got It Bad

As with any relationship, it takes time and experience to develop. Maturity and perfection is a constant striving in order to manifest potential. Some days are going to be better than others, but the important point is to keep pressing forward. God is not going to send you to hell for a curse word or because you have a drink. But eventually He wants us to get to a place where we do not even have the desire to do the things we use to. God wants your heart. He knows it is a process, you should know it too.

It was not my intent to sermonize anyone. Everyone must walk their own path and come to their own spiritual awakening. Some people are further along than others. Nor am I saying that you should blindly adhere to any man’s doctrine or religion. Religion is no substitute for relationship. The truth is more than capable of withstanding scrutiny.

However, I felt I would be doing a great injustice to not at least touch on this. You may or may not agree with me. Even today, when an overwhelming majority of Americans profess to believe in God, the topic of religion is still an extremely sensitive subject. I am not saying I have it down. If I have learned anything this last year, it is that walking in love is not easy. I still struggle, I still want to do things my way, but I have to remember that there is no more “me”, it is “us”.

Take God out of Heaven and put Him in your heart.

Get to know God as a Father and Friend, in your own special way.

Walk in love. God is love.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: How did God become real to you?

Finding Our Roots in Africa, Part 2

Brandon’s post on Finding Our Roots in Africa posed a series of questions. To help the dialogue along, I would like to post here my answers to his 7 questions. Please do the same in the comments section of either post.

1) If you could, would you like to able to learn about your ancestry going back to and before slavery? And if so, what do you think are the possible benefits or drawbacks?
Benefits
Anything that a person can learn about where and whence they came is a great thing. It definitely instills a sense of self-worth and pride knowing what people who bled the same blood as you have experienced. This gives you the opportunity to connect with them spiritually as well as intellectually, and engage both living and dead ancestors in ways that will enlighten you as to what you are made of, literally. There is also the benefit of being able to give a definitive answer about where you come from. Immigrants can do this. Refugees can do this. We, the descendants of slaves, cannot readily answer this question. I for one am envious of those that can point to the specific section of India that there family is from and has been for the past 300 years. I think that is absolutely awesome. I want to be able to do that as well.
Drawbacks
I am concerned that folks at racist organizations such as the Pioneer Fund, has a long history of subsidizing efforts to prove blacks are genetically inferior to whites, will take this DNA mapping of Black people to certain places and equate it to Black inferiority. Those who agreed and still agree with Thomas Jefferson that Black people are physically inferior to white people or with David Hume who believed that Black people were “naturally inferior” to white people will likely want to twist this to support their claims. Think about this in the same way that conservatives spun Bill Cosby’s crusade to fit their own messages. I don’t want that, and I don’t think too many other people do either. I think that the same can be said of those who believe in eugenics as legitimate science, and YES, there are people alive who believe in such nonsense. I also think that I may have mixed feelings if I were to find out that I was not “wholly” Black. That might complicate my world view a bit. I did not see the special, so I would like to further understand the science behind this research. The engineer in me can’t help but be a little bit skeptical. Finally, being a complete skeptic, I’d be worried about this stuff ending up in some US government database.

I don’t want to give those I disagree with any ammunition. However, none of these drawbacks are worth the price of ignorance.

2) Is it important for you to have a working knowledge of current events in Africa or its history? And if so, what books/articles/internet sources have been particularly useful?
This is absolutely important, as such knowledge helps one to gain perspective on who they are. Knowledge of history and knowledge of current events contribute to knowledge of self in the same way that knowledge of your family history and knowledge of your personal thoughts, emotions, and preferences are part of knowledge of self. They all lead you down the path to answering that all important question: who are you?

3) Have you ever heard family members or friends say disparaging comments about African people? How did you respond?
Absolutely, and it is truly sad. I am ignorant to my concrete ties to my ancestry in any part of the African continent, but I do know that they are people like me. “Civilization” is a subjective term. People today equate non-Westernized lifestyles to barbarism the same way they did hundreds of years ago. The difference is that hundreds of years ago, we had a lot fewer black people peddling those messages.

4) Do you view Africans with the same kinship that you show towards Blacks in America?
I almost do, and I know many people do not. That is terribly sad because I am fighting through the lie that says that they area not me and I am not them. That is the same lie that labels me as an “African-American” and not Black. What does that really mean? Can you point to “Africa-America” on a map? I can’t. It’s all B.S. See my answer to question #6 for more on this lack of kinship.

5) How far can you trace your lineage?
My family has actually traced its history back to being brought to the West Indies. I would be interested in tracing it further. We did this back in 1990 when technology was not accessible, so I can only imagine what we may find out if we combined today’s methods with the information we already have.

6) Do you think there could ever be true unity/appreciation between Blacks in America and Africa?
There could be, since peace is a possibility between all groups of peoples, especially those with some sort of inherent connection. Ignorance about one another is the main barrier, as we tend to look at “Africans” through our “american” eyes as opposed to looking at them for who they are: us. “Divide and conquer” is the most effective way to destroy anything, and it has been successful in murdering our identities, our self-esteems, and our dreams for tomorrow. The fact that this question is even posed is a sign that we need to tear down these negative perceptions we have about one another and build tangible, positive relationships.

7) If you could trace your family tree back to slavery, what questions would you like the answers to the most?
The question I would be most interested in knowing is if I had blood relatives walking some part of this planet that I have never dreamed of. I would like to know if things about my person (e.g. my size/shape, my affinity for technology, etc.) were things common in people from the place where my family originated. That would be fascinating.

These are all important and thought-provoking questions. It is therapeutic simply answering these. Think how much more healing could be realized after finding out who we really are.

The Weekly Dream: Examining the Possibilities

“Love is about the possibility of a thing. So when people say that the
love is gone…naw. What they really sayin’ is that they have exhausted
the possibilities.”
-Larenz Tate as Darius Lovehall in Love Jones

Well, well, well. Welcome to the second installation of the love
month. This week, we will be exploring arguably the most interesting
facet of love, romantic love between the sexes. Please bear with me.
These are just my reflections of what I have seen or experienced, so
do not take it as Gospel. Instead, think of them as talking points. If
you agree, weigh in, if not, say so also.

Now, in my simple mind, finding someone should not be that difficult.
Yet, my empirical data instructs me to the contrary. With the
commonality of cohabitation and divorce, relationships in this era
have taken on the flavor of a business transaction. As a result, there
is more of an arm’s-length approach to love. This especially is
noticeable during Valentine’s Day. The week leading up to Cupid’s
fiesta is marked by conflicting emotions. I have encountered three
women who said they were sending themselves flowers, three more who
said their Valentine was their mothers, and a general consensus that
men on a whole “don’t be actin’ right.” This no doubt is a sad state
of affairs, at least in my corner of the world (and I hope other
places are more cheerful than this). The guys on the other hand, have
a more diverse response. But most of the time, no matter what the
plans, it involves the word “budget”.
These interactions and sharp gender politics started me to thinking:
what is the problem? I am fortunate to know a lot of wonderful women,
and nearly all of them have consistent relationship issues. On the
level that I interact with them, I would think that they would be
great catches. So, I have come to two conclusions: 1. I really do not
know them all that well, or 2. it’s the people they are
attracted/dealing with.
As to point one, that could be true, but some of them I know very
well, so that is kind of moot. The second point has a little more
meat. Individuals will entertain those who they know they cannot
have a future with because of boredom or in hopes they can change them
or they are holding on to what was. These are the same people who will
tell me that they are looking for a “serious commitment” but they know
that whoever they with now is not who they are going to end up with. I
call this “dead-end dating.” Boredom or insecurity normally lies at
the bottom of this stack. You also have people who just take what
comes along with no direction or purpose. They say they are looking
for love, but every one of their actions is inconsistent with that
aim, they do not know what they are in the game for.
I believe that a large part of the problem is that few of us have
taken the time out to assess what it is we truly value, in ourselves
and in others. What types of people are we attracted to and why? What
does love look like for us? Love is a lot like barbeque sauce,
everyone has their own particular blend. We need to define it for
ourselves. After we define what we are looking for, be true to that.
Set your boundaries and expectations. Then, be patient. When you
find it, you can tell it is real when the other person makes you want
to be a better person and vice versa. The power of love is that it
allows you to catch a glimpse of your highest self and that is a
revelation of the truth.
My experience has refined what love looks like for me, and it is
still being refined. However, it is astounding how we make such an
important decision based purely on a gut level reaction. Initial
attraction is just the beginning. You need to know what it is going to
take to be successful and paint that perfect picture. It needs to be
colored not just with love, but patience, understanding, kindness and
communication. Highlight that with time and experience, the bedrock of
every relationship and you have created a masterpiece.

Love the one you’re with

Let me distinguish something here. There is a difference in dating
for fun and dating for commitment. If you are just out there having
fun, then do what you do. But it is another thing all together to
complain and state that you are ready for love and your
actions/personnel do not match up. I had to learn a long time ago that
there is a distinction between wanting something and being ready for
it. Just because you want something does not mean that you are
necessarily ready for it. And if you do not have what you want, then
most likely, you have preparation to do. It is a hard truth, but
repeatedly in my life, when I have been truly ready, everything fell
into place.

After the Love Is Gone…

So let’s say you have someone and you have been together for a while.
After sometime the passion cools. That newness wears off, you stop
doing the extra things, and start taking things for granted. I have
seen this time and time again. These couples that love each other, but
have not been madly in love with one another in sometime. It
is–unfortunate. There is a thin line between comfort and complacency.
The good news is and what a lot of people do not realize is that
passionate love is an emotion. And emotions can be created at will.
All you have to do is get back to basics. Think about how things were
at the beginning and go back to that. Create new possibilities and
experiences. Day-to-day life is already mundane enough; your
relationship should be an adventure. To get there, it is going to take
some honesty, communication, selflessness, and creativity. Every
relationship has its ebb and flow. As long as both parties are working
toward the same aim, then anything is surmountable. But it takes two
individuals working together, you cannot be in love with yourself. Be
willing to hold yourself and your relationship to the light.

Closing thoughts…

This has been a difficult piece, because it is so expansive. Just
know this, it begins with you. You have to know what you are in it
for, on what levels you are going to deal with people and be true to
that. I know it is not as cookie cutter as I have made it sound, but
it is a learning experience. If you have that special someone, make
sure you make time to enjoy life together. Do something different and
exciting. Your relationship is what you make it.
For those of you who have not had the best luck in this area, do not
lose hope. When you finally find what you are looking for, it will
definitely be worth it. Make sure you are prepared when it does.

Make every day a day of love.

Unleash the power of love, and unlock the power of truth.

Truth and Peace,

Steven M DeVougas

Question of the week: How do you know when you are in love?

–
GDG II

http://www.TheSuperSpade.com

The Weekly Dream: Love and Sacrifice

February is often seen as the “Love Month”. It is the one Hallmark holiday where everything is drenched in pink and red. If you have a special someone, you celebrate it, if you don’t, you try to ignore it. Either way, this is society’s celebration of romantic love.

As a shy, young grade school boy, I loved this time. Believing that timing was everything, I would wait all school year to tell whoever I had a crush on that I liked them. This would take the form of gifts, chocolate or a note. Although we might exchange treats with the class, I always tried to make sure that special young lady stood out from all the rest. It might cost all of my meager allowance, but if it made her happy, it was worth it. Unfortunately, my best friend, who had a paper route, had a habit of liking the same girls as I, and would out-spend me, but I must say I put up a valiant effort.
I reflect on this because in our formative years, we really do not understand what love is about. We get sold all of these “happily ever after” fairy tales of princes and princess, but that is not what we see in the world. So we grow up looking for a dream or an illusion not of our own creating. As a result, disenchantment normally occurs and people create any number of coping mechanisms to deal with the disappointment: bitterness, denial, nonchalance. Yet others intuitively redefine this concept for themselves. This is fine, but often their concept of love is an outgrowth of negative experience or it is emotion divorced from corresponding action. Personally, my idea of love is heavily influenced by the Christian faith. This month, it is my desire to explore this defining human characteristic in an attempt to tap into the true power and also deepen our understanding.

As stated earlier, this concept is personalized from person to person, so it is imperative that we collaboratively reflect and share on our experience and ideals. I encourage all of us to lend us the benefit of your wisdom and experience by emailing thesuperspade@gmail.com or posting your comments at http://www.thesuperspade.com/

Love without a limit

I am infinitely interested in the “dark side” of love and human relationships in general; the parts most people will not tell you about. Somehow, in the course of growing up, my ideal of love became intimately linked with sacrifice. To me, you cannot have love without giving something of yourself. By definition, love is to seek and promote the general well-being of others. It is altruistic and self-less. Pure sacrifice hurts, but when you put love next to it, the blow softens because you are glad to be able perform. You will give all that you possess and be glad about it.
We witness this time and time again with our families. Parents constantly place the needs of their children in front of their own, and never really complain. Or mom/dad might give you something that they know you cannot ever give back to them. However, they do not hold it over your head. They see it as part of their obligation as parents. They are responsible for you.

Too often, we find ourselves involved with individuals who profess to love us, but they do not give anything of themselves. They consistently take and take, but when we are in need, they turn a blind eye to us. That is not love. Love without sacrifice will inevitably breed resentment.

In the New Testament, Jesus stated that where your treasure is, your heart will be also. Time and time again, you saw Jesus putting people’s love to the test, with the Rich Young Ruler, his disciples and the crowd. When he asked them to give away all that they possessed to follow Him, he could see where there love was and what they were really willing to give in order to prove it.

In a Broader Context

February is also Black History Month. With the recent passing of Mrs. Coretta Scott King and also Rosa Parks, I began to think about the Civil Rights Movement and the history of the African American people at large. What distinguished those leaders of yore from the leaders of today is their genuine love of their people and their liberty. Perhaps it is my own personal skepticism, but I am hard pressed to believe that the Montgomery Bus Boycotts could have happened today. Too many of us would be concerned about it being too cold, too hot, having to pick up the babies from daycare, etc. etc. We are talking about tremendous inconvenience and sacrifice on the parts of our ancestors in order to claim basic societal rights. But the love and hope for a better future for the children and society at large kept them moving onward and upward. It took tremendous love for the likes Malcolm and Martin to do what they did. But it also took tremendous sacrifice and strength on the parts of their wives to stand by them while they did so. So the one lesson I am going to take from this month is this: You cannot lead the people if you do not truly love the people. If we began to truly walk in love and seek the good of our brother, we would see more of that true leadership that has marked our history time and time again.

Let’s us honor those who have loved us enough to give even when it was not convenient.

Let love reign: Give more of yourself.

R.I.P. Coretta Scott King

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Question of the Week: How do you know when you are loved and what have you given to prove your love?

Balancing life and work

As the baby boomers retire, some companies are starting to realize that their employees happiness is more important than their salary.
I read a great article today on CNN that asked what Generation X are seeking out of their employment. At 23, I am considered Generation Y, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the views of Generation X and Y were not too far off. For instance, the researchers (Charlotte and Laura Shelton) found that “77% of Gen Xers say they’d quit in a minute if offered increased intellectual stimulation.” I can certainly attest to this desire as I am sure you know of people who feel the same. So what this means for employers is that they have to pay closer attention to their job requirements and finding ways to exploit the intellectual skills of their work force. This is not to say that baby boomers are not intellectual but information technology to the point that younger people can not successfully navigate social scenes without having at least a surface knowledge of current events.

And because many jobs now require people skills and the ability to work effectively in a team atmosphere, the researchers found that “the top three things people want in a job is positive relationships with colleagues, interesting work, and continuous opportunities for learning.” So where in the past where baby boomers maybe did not like their boss, the up and coming generation is more attune to the mood of a company and if it does not align with their temperament, they are much more likely to seek employment elsewhere.

Moreover, employers must rid themselves of the Adam Smith philosophy that you keep the same person doing the same thing until they retire or leave the company. This means that employers should provide on- going training for multiple skill sets. And if you are in a situation where you are doing the same thing every day, you should go out of your way to find ways to get more advanced training. Not only will this help you status at your current job, it will help spice up your resume’ so that you are more marketable if and when you leave for a better situation.

But one thing that Generation X is not addicted to is status. Power are prestige ranked last out of fifteen items that the respondents ranked in order of importance. At my job, I was surprised at how much a deal people made out of having an office instead of a cubicle. For decades, having an office (especially a corner office) is the most outward display of hierarchy and power. But I made a note to myself that when I open my own firm, entry level employees will start in the office and the cubicle will be reserved for management. This will be my attempt to redefine the way people think about moving up the corporate ladder so to speak. The article went on to talk about how the idea of the corporate ladder itself is changing at some companies in favor of a more egalitarian corporate structure. For example “TD industries has a policy that its highest paid employee can earn no more than 10 ten times the salary of its lowest-paid employee. ” This way, as the company grows, it is not only upper management that sees increased pay. And more importantly, every employee has an increased incentive to work together because everyone knows that what is good for the company is good for everybody.

The researchers also found that younger people want their employer to support them having a life outside of work. One thing I struggled with my job search is going corporate or non-profit. I ended up going corporate and I am trying very hard to get back to doing community service. Which is why I wished I was an software engineer at Autodesk “because it gives its employees paid time every month to do volunteer work.” Policies like this help bring balance to people’s lives and invariably make them more productive. And Autodesk is really innovative because there is no set work hours. “There’s no abseenteism policy, and no one keeps track of sick days. The philosophy is, these are all capable people, so let’s assume they can behave like adults.” And not surprisingly, “employees respond to that with an unusually hihg level of commitment.” I bet they do!!! I often joke with my working friends that I never thought how valuable I would view my sick/vacation time. And I hate feeling like my job is slowly rationing out my time. I know for a fact that I would be more productive if there were no set work hours. Just think about how you made it through college. When you had to work, it didn’t matter what time it was, you got the job done.

And for any employers who are afraid of giving their employees too many benefits for the sake of profits, ALL of the companies listed in the article are highly profitable and turnover is minimal at best. The workforce is rapidly changing and employers need to understand that investing in balanced lifestyles for their employees is just as, if not more important than boosting salaries. Therefore, if you are working and know that you would benefit from the points made in this post, float some of these ideas by your colleagues. I know I will. And even if your firm laughs in your face, just know that there are some companies that are genuinely concerned about the well-being happiness of their employees.

Stay up fam, Brandon .

The Black Family Movement

New Rule: Black people cannot talk about a movement of any form until we heal our families.

Have you or someone you know ever been asked about the status of your family and replied with a sigh because the answer was too complicated and required too many caveats? I know the feeling well and I am sure you can attest to this as well. But no matter how crazy and dysfunctional you think your family is, they are still your family and you could have it worse by not having a family at all. No one to baby-sit your kids, take you to work, and of course, borrow money without “really” having to pay it back.

And while many of us claim that we are close to our family, have you ever thought about why? On Christmas Day, I was doing volunteer work with some of my family and I asked my nephew to rate how close he thinks our family is on a scale of 1-10. He said 10 with confidence. And then I asked him how often he talks to family members outside of his household. He said I don’t. So I then asked him how he can claim that he is close to the family if he never talks to them. I don’t have to explain how the rest of the conversation went to say that even though my nephew is 13, how many people do you know that would answer my questions with almost the same twisted logic that my nephew used? Chances are that if you reading this blog, you probably have a cell phone. Look at your last ten dialed calls and tell me how many of those listed are members of your family.

I think it is unfortunate how many of us take advantage of our family members by not getting to know them on a deeper level and let them pass away with your relationship more affected by society’s distal labels of kinship (i.e. brother, cousin, Grandma, etc.) rather than a relationship that has been forged through the fire of life. Now I know there are some extenuating circumstances that make for familial relationships impossible but chances are, these circumstances don’t represent your entire family. And if they do, just think back to slavery and marvel at the hope and sincerity that remained while families were split apart and scattered across this country like dandelion seeds. We are a strong people because our families are strong and when families are strong, we empower ourselves and our community. Because here’s the thing, I don’t care what you been through as long as you are working towards healing family wounds and reaching out where you once were reluctant. So let me leave you with ten suggestions to help heal your family in 2006 because we here at Superspade believe in providing actionable information that is tangible and practical.

1) If you are reading this blog, then you probably have email. I am willing to bet your family members do too. Get their email addresses and make it happen. And don’t be afraid to email them at work if they don’t have a personal email address.
2) If someone owes you money and you can afford it if they can’t pay you back, let it ride. And if you owe someone money, try to pay them back if you can and if you can’t, be upfront with that family member so you don’t sabotage a relationship over money
3) Play the question game and just ask people questions that you always wanted to know but were too young or too scared to ask.
4) Play spades. Need I say more?
5) Don’t make a bigger deal out of gift giving than sharing time and love.
6) Many times families will meet up when food is involved but breaking bread doesn’t mean you have to break the bank. A veggie tray and some chicken will do you just fine.
7) Meet up with the family and scrapbook because you know the picture with your whole body covered in flour is hilarious If you live too far from your family to hang out, you are not absolved from connecting to your family. Pick up a phone or email somebody. Seriously
9) If you have young people in your family, take them with you to do community service, go to their games, offer to baby-sit, and show them the right path.
10) And last but not least, the best reason is just because. This relates to everything from going out, visiting, calling, emailing, etc.

I know my suggestions will not end crime or give everyone a decent job with healthcare, but it will help us find our footing as a community and improve many of the issues that many of us think require a movement.

Stay up fam,

Brandon

Today’s Irresponsible Cuts

The Senate bill to cut $40 billion dollars out of the budget takes a third of that $40 billion from students. I’m imagining that this is how the debate went:

BushCo & Republican Majority:
“We need some money. Like $40 billion. Where are we gonna get it?”

Democratic Minority & people with brains:
“Rich people? Corporate cronies that already give gifts? Why not cash in on those relationships in a way that benefits real people?

BushCo & Republican Majority:
“You guys are stupid. Let’s rob students. That will be much easier.”

Unchecked power in our three-headed political hydra leads to ridiculous results for the lives of the citizens. This example is no different. In the bill, students will be forced to pay higher interest rates on their already increasingly expensive student loans, and banks will get less government subsidies to provide these loans [at lower rates].

This is a HUGE deal. To make this more clear, lets put things in perspective.

- The majority of students in college are there with the help of some form of financial aid
- Student Loan debt can now be used as a reason to withold social security moneys

Now, let’s get stupid about this: American busines leaders are saying that our students are not able to compete on the international stage due to the shortcomings or our educational system (e.g. a speech from Bill Gates, linked here. The government [usually] listens to big busness and rich people, so who better to listen to than the richest man in the world who runs the biggest software company in the world? If No Child Left Behind wasn’t B.S., maybe we wouldn’t have this problem). As a result, the goverment should be doing everything in its power to strengthen its public education institutions on the primary, secondary, and collegiate levels. Well, how do you strengthen a college? Not by placing barriers to entry to it!!!! If I want something to be better, I don’t cut off it’s resources. What’s is the strongest resource of any college: it’s students.

Maybe I’m crazy because there are certain things I view as untochable as far as cuts in spending go:

- Education
- Health Care
- Legal Protection

Since I feel this way, I can’t be a fan of this budget bill, which cut other social programs that help the poor, including Medicaid and Welfare.

The Weekly Dream: The Gift and The Giver

“You never miss what you have until it is gone”

The holiday season is a time for giving and reflection, but for department stores, it marks the busiest time of year. Homes across America are bombarded with coupons, commercials and circulars advertising the latest gadget or must-have item. Around this time, I cannot help but reminisce about the times my brothers and I would begin to submit our Christmas lists to our parents, in priority order, right after Thanksgiving. These preliminary lists would be rewritten and revised up until Christmas Eve. And like most children on that day, we tore open the presents my mother spent all night wrapping. Saying thank you was an afterthought. Nor did we appreciate the hard work and sacrifice it took to make this day possible. It was not until we were older that my brothers and I realized that we had Christmas year round.

As Adults…

This year, we have seen an unprecedented amount of tragedy: hurricanes, tsunamis, lay-offs and just general misfortune. Yet, in the midst of this widespread calamity, we can still take those we care about for granted.

It is easy to get wrapped up in material possessions, the pursuit of nice things and ourselves. Especially in today’s society, which is driven by rampant consumerism. Shows like MTV Cribs and Pimp My Ride, where celebrities flaunt their wealth and seem to be in constant competition with one another do not make it any easier to be content with what we have. The result is that people are working for things instead of personal fulfillment.

In trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” what is really important is lost. Like little children, we are always looking for what someone can offer us, instead of looking at the giver, and the worth of each individual. This might be acceptable in a business setting, but in our personal lives, people should not be treated as disposable. People are not things. We are more than what we do, what we wear and what we have.

Putting Gifts in Perspective

Gifts from those that care about us are reflections of their genuine feeling and concern. It is a tangible expression of emotion, absent of need and obligation. Gifts without emotion become junk. A lot of people have too much junk in their lives: relationships and pursuits that do not profit. For some reason, people form attachments to things that they have no real use for, either because they do not want anyone else to have it or they are comforted by its presence.

This holiday, root out all the junk in your life, all the relationships that bring only pain and disappointment. We know what these things are, we know who these people are. And instead of wasting energy on these things, celebrate those who make you happy, who are faithful, and always looking out for you best interest. Things are just things. These individuals are the true gifts in your life, because they give themselves.

A car cannot call and see how you are doing. A house will not comfort you when you are having a bad day. Your “bling” will not cheer you up when things get tough.

What Can I Do?

There is a practice that I think we all could benefit from, and that is C.I.A. (Consistency In Appreciation). We need to make a consistent effort to show our gratitude to our support system. The greatest enemy to love, giving, and sacrifice is ingratitude. Everyday, let those you care about know how you feel and the difference they have made in your life. This can take many different forms: a card, a letter, or a meal. Whatever you have to offer, give that in return.

You might say, “Why? So-and-so knows how I feel.” Well, you never know how long you will be able to let them know. Tomorrow is not promised, and a thank you today might be the last thank you that person may hear from you. And when they are gone, all you have left are regrets. Things you wish you had said, things you wish would have done. Do not get fixated on the gift, the Giver deserves some praise also.

Where your treasure is, your heart will be also. Make sure it is always in the right place.

The Best things in life truly are free. Happy Holidays and God Bless.

Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas

Black men and our sexuality

I read a fiercely stereotypical article by a White woman who explained why she prefers to be with Black men. After over sexualizing us like mandingo warriors, I was appalled by how comfortable this woman felt in her sexual encounters with Black men. But then I remembered a situation where a White man asked me what shoe size I wore. I said 13 and he replied, “Oh my God, that is crazy,” replete with sexual overtones. Now his feet were as big as mine, and he wore a size 12 and when I pointed out that our feet are almost the same size, he just couldn’t let up. “No man, your feet are humongous!! I have tried to find ways to not get offended but this situation was difficult because surely he didn’t mean to insult me, but when my sexuality becomes the basis on which you interact with me, I have a major problem with that.

Because what happens to many Black men is that many of us buy into the notions of Black male super sexuality to the point we become afraid of how our desires will overtake our sense of normalcy. So many times one of two things happen; we will suppress our sexuality or express it in overly chauvinistic ways. No matter the case, this will not lead to healthy relationships or marriages and will ultimately hinder other aspects of our lives. So my advice to Black men is simple, watch what you put into your soul and mind. You can’t watch Uncut everyday it comes on and claim that the videos don’t have an affect on how you interact with women. It doesn’t work like that. And secondly, do not give in to the stereotypes we are superior in bed compared to other races. Not only might this affect your performance but more importantly, your sexuality will soon become a central part of your identity and confidence.

White men love sex just as much as Black men. There are men of all races who would put you to shame and there are men of all races who you would put to shame. And lastly, learn to control your thoughts (in all matters) of sexual matters. If whenever you talk to a woman and all you can focus on during a conversation is the curvatures of her body, then you have a problem. Seek help. I used to have a problem with pornography but after talking to God and some of my friends, I realized it had a hold of me that I didn’t want to admit. But once I did admit it, I decided that I didn’t want anything having such a hold on my life and since then, I have made decisions that severely limit my access to pornography. And since then, I appreciate women and their beauty for so many things that have nothing to do with my physical attraction.

I just realized I meant to write about Black/White relationships but I went off on a tangent. Real talk is like that sometimes. Until next time,

Stay up fam,

Brandon

Love and life: Making it work pt. I

Anyone reading this blog who is in their twenties or thirties can attest to the difficulties of trying to maneuver through life and make relationships work. On the life side, many people in this stage of life are trying to negotiate undergrad, graduate school, starting careers, and relocating to different locations. Couple this with the fact with that many people look to get married by the time they are thirty give or take a couple years. So how are people supposed to make love and life work?

Many of us know people who have been in beautiful relationships that ended up not working out due to reasons often related to location. Whether it’s going to grad school in another state or taking a new job, long distance relationships are soon becoming (if not already) a required hurdle before two people jump the broom. So here is my advice to men.

For the guys who are in relationships and find themselves approaching a critical life/love juncture, you have to first and foremost open up your mouth and let your woman know what you want!! This should go without saying but many of us have difficulty expressing our emotions so if it is really hard, talk it out with a woman in your family and get some advice.

Aside from that, too many guys, (myself included) have these defined goals of what they think should be in place before they get married. I will use myself as an example. I think that my spiritual walk and my financials have to be tight before I propose. In my mind, these goals will provide a solid foundation for a fruitful marriage and I will remain resolute in this thinking regardless of how “ready” my companion may be otherwise.

This thinking is flawed because depending on how stubborn you are; you may lose a good thing by trying to make everything perfect. When a woman knows that you are down for the long haul, she will ride for you til the end. So if you find yourself thinking about changing up your plans, ( e.g. not getting caught up with getting married at a certain age or not obsessing over your salary) then that might mean you are finally on your way on becoming marriage ready. Because in case you forgot, marriage is all about compromising and many married men will tell you that you will end up giving in the most. So if you can’t compromise in the pre-marriage phase, what makes you think you are going to be Mr. Understanding when you do get married?

Additionally, before you propose you should think about why you want to do it. I came up with two reasons why a man shouldn’t propose. The first is desperation. Implicit in this mistake is getting married to fill in a missing piece by a certain time. Because as my good friend Garlin put it, “you don’t have to do anything right now.” Take a second and let it sink in. So if you have finished grad school, working, and feeling pressure from anyone (your girl or your family) for you to settle down and you are not ready yet, just know you don’t have to do it right now. Of course, I don’t mean wait until you are 60 years old but nevertheless, don’t live your live according to externalized expectations.

A similar but related problem is that of obligation. This is the thinking like, “Well, her parents like me and my parents like her so I guess we should just get married.” Marriage is not something you do just because there is nothing better to do. And just because your family likes your girl, it doesn’t mean that she is the one. There are a lot of women that will make your mother proud and may receive her approval. But so freakin’ what!!! Your mother won’t be getting married to this girl so try to avoid getting married to make your family proud. And lastly, try proposing because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and not because you haven’t found any one better “yet”.

All in all, keep your goals in mind and strive for them but don’t become a slave to them such that you never find fulfillment and happiness. And when love comes around, don’t put it on your task list but cherish it and be open to the changes that a new relationship may provide. More advice to come,

Stay up fam,