The Weekly Dream: Examining the Possibilities
“Love is about the possibility of a thing. So when people say that the
love is gone…naw. What they really sayin’ is that they have exhausted
-Larenz Tate as Darius Lovehall in Love Jones
Well, well, well. Welcome to the second installation of the love
month. This week, we will be exploring arguably the most interesting
facet of love, romantic love between the sexes. Please bear with me.
These are just my reflections of what I have seen or experienced, so
do not take it as Gospel. Instead, think of them as talking points. If
you agree, weigh in, if not, say so also.
Now, in my simple mind, finding someone should not be that difficult.
Yet, my empirical data instructs me to the contrary. With the
commonality of cohabitation and divorce, relationships in this era
have taken on the flavor of a business transaction. As a result, there
is more of an arm’s-length approach to love. This especially is
noticeable during Valentine’s Day. The week leading up to Cupid’s
fiesta is marked by conflicting emotions. I have encountered three
women who said they were sending themselves flowers, three more who
said their Valentine was their mothers, and a general consensus that
men on a whole “don’t be actin’ right.” This no doubt is a sad state
of affairs, at least in my corner of the world (and I hope other
places are more cheerful than this). The guys on the other hand, have
a more diverse response. But most of the time, no matter what the
plans, it involves the word “budget”.
These interactions and sharp gender politics started me to thinking:
what is the problem? I am fortunate to know a lot of wonderful women,
and nearly all of them have consistent relationship issues. On the
level that I interact with them, I would think that they would be
great catches. So, I have come to two conclusions: 1. I really do not
know them all that well, or 2. it’s the people they are
As to point one, that could be true, but some of them I know very
well, so that is kind of moot. The second point has a little more
meat. Individuals will entertain those who they know they cannot
have a future with because of boredom or in hopes they can change them
or they are holding on to what was. These are the same people who will
tell me that they are looking for a “serious commitment” but they know
that whoever they with now is not who they are going to end up with. I
call this “dead-end dating.” Boredom or insecurity normally lies at
the bottom of this stack. You also have people who just take what
comes along with no direction or purpose. They say they are looking
for love, but every one of their actions is inconsistent with that
aim, they do not know what they are in the game for.
I believe that a large part of the problem is that few of us have
taken the time out to assess what it is we truly value, in ourselves
and in others. What types of people are we attracted to and why? What
does love look like for us? Love is a lot like barbeque sauce,
everyone has their own particular blend. We need to define it for
ourselves. After we define what we are looking for, be true to that.
Set your boundaries and expectations. Then, be patient. When you
find it, you can tell it is real when the other person makes you want
to be a better person and vice versa. The power of love is that it
allows you to catch a glimpse of your highest self and that is a
revelation of the truth.
My experience has refined what love looks like for me, and it is
still being refined. However, it is astounding how we make such an
important decision based purely on a gut level reaction. Initial
attraction is just the beginning. You need to know what it is going to
take to be successful and paint that perfect picture. It needs to be
colored not just with love, but patience, understanding, kindness and
communication. Highlight that with time and experience, the bedrock of
every relationship and you have created a masterpiece.
Love the one you’re with
Let me distinguish something here. There is a difference in dating
for fun and dating for commitment. If you are just out there having
fun, then do what you do. But it is another thing all together to
complain and state that you are ready for love and your
actions/personnel do not match up. I had to learn a long time ago that
there is a distinction between wanting something and being ready for
it. Just because you want something does not mean that you are
necessarily ready for it. And if you do not have what you want, then
most likely, you have preparation to do. It is a hard truth, but
repeatedly in my life, when I have been truly ready, everything fell
After the Love Is Gone…
So let’s say you have someone and you have been together for a while.
After sometime the passion cools. That newness wears off, you stop
doing the extra things, and start taking things for granted. I have
seen this time and time again. These couples that love each other, but
have not been madly in love with one another in sometime. It
is–unfortunate. There is a thin line between comfort and complacency.
The good news is and what a lot of people do not realize is that
passionate love is an emotion. And emotions can be created at will.
All you have to do is get back to basics. Think about how things were
at the beginning and go back to that. Create new possibilities and
experiences. Day-to-day life is already mundane enough; your
relationship should be an adventure. To get there, it is going to take
some honesty, communication, selflessness, and creativity. Every
relationship has its ebb and flow. As long as both parties are working
toward the same aim, then anything is surmountable. But it takes two
individuals working together, you cannot be in love with yourself. Be
willing to hold yourself and your relationship to the light.
This has been a difficult piece, because it is so expansive. Just
know this, it begins with you. You have to know what you are in it
for, on what levels you are going to deal with people and be true to
that. I know it is not as cookie cutter as I have made it sound, but
it is a learning experience. If you have that special someone, make
sure you make time to enjoy life together. Do something different and
exciting. Your relationship is what you make it.
For those of you who have not had the best luck in this area, do not
lose hope. When you finally find what you are looking for, it will
definitely be worth it. Make sure you are prepared when it does.
Make every day a day of love.
Unleash the power of love, and unlock the power of truth.
Truth and Peace,
Steven M DeVougas
Question of the week: How do you know when you are in love?