Location plays too much of a factor in relationships. Whether you or the person you are with have plans on attending graduate school in another state, switching jobs, or just want to see settle in another part of the nation/world, the chances of you having at least a part-time long distance relationship are increasingly high. What are the implications of this growing trend on relationships that have marriage potential? I got one clue from a friend of mine who said recently, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.”
I’m not ready yet
Are you currently in a place where you are avoiding serious relationships until you get a good feel for where you think you might be long-term? Or have you had a relationship hit a rough patch in anticipation of one or both of you relocating in different states? If not, then congratulations. If so, join the club. It is a really difficult situation that takes constant communication and trust. However, what troubles me is that one negative effect of the premium placed on location is that people will spend years in a temporary living/schooling/working situation and will close off all prospects of love because they don’t want to deal with someone who will not eventually end up where they want to be. In other words, a person getting an M.A. in New York who eventually wants to return to Kansas will only seriously engage others who either have plans on living in Kansas or live in Kansas already. I think this is somewhat closed-minded. Now I am all for being focused and being goal-oriented but when we think that the love of our lives has must be or want to be in the same state is silly. What’s more troubling is the notion that love and training/schooling don’t mix because you will always be making strides to improve yourself but love cannot be scheduled into Outlook. And once you find that person, he/she might be open to moving to Kansas and just maybe, just maybe, you might decide to stay in NY. I say all that to say that location is not as crippling as you might think.
Can we keep it real? Thanks, because in most long distance relationships, women are generally expected to relocate much more than men are expected to. As a result, you have situations where a man who relocates for his woman is often times labeled as “whipped,” where as a woman who relocates for her man is viewed as “doing her what she has to do.” This is extremely damaging to our relationships because these unspoken expectations result in grave misunderstandings of what the other person is looking for. Of course, these biases might be couched in the idea that the person making the most money should serve as the earth where their mate is the moon that revolves around them. So men, if your woman makes more money than you, your relocating does not take away any of your manhood. Likewise, women, your relocating does not make you any less independent than you are already.
But we should get married
You know I had to go there right? I think that making big geographical moves with someone without a ring is a very risky situation. To be clear, I am not talking about the 7-year engagement but marriage plans that have left the train station. Which brings me back to my friend’s quote I stated earlier, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.” Fellas, you would do well to remember this statement because you can’t expect your woman to jump through hoops and then get all quiet when marriage comes up. Man up!!! There is a reason why men propose but I will save that for another post.
I am not saying propose just to propose but before you ask someone to make that move, make sure you are willing to take it to the next level. Because if you two break up and are somewhere such that you need each other to cover the bills but both of you don’t know anyone, it could get real bad real soon. But at least if you are married, my hope is that your level of commitment would be cemented so that when times get hard, (and they will) the exit door will seem too small for you to leave. So don’t waste people’s time!!! You KNOW if you are willing to marry someone and if you know this is the one, stop trying to create doubts to talk yourself out of it. Being in a different location is not a disincentive for marriage and like I said before in previous posts, if marriage is all about compromise then how can people be stubborn as all get out but then expect to be compromising once they get married?
How do you feel distance complicates relationships? And how should it be resolved?
Looking forward to your comments,
Stay up fam,