Relationagraphy

Location plays too much of a factor in relationships. Whether you or the person you are with have plans on attending graduate school in another state, switching jobs, or just want to see settle in another part of the nation/world, the chances of you having at least a part-time long distance relationship are increasingly high. What are the implications of this growing trend on relationships that have marriage potential? I got one clue from a friend of mine who said recently, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.”

I’m not ready yet
Are you currently in a place where you are avoiding serious relationships until you get a good feel for where you think you might be long-term? Or have you had a relationship hit a rough patch in anticipation of one or both of you relocating in different states? If not, then congratulations. If so, join the club. It is a really difficult situation that takes constant communication and trust. However, what troubles me is that one negative effect of the premium placed on location is that people will spend years in a temporary living/schooling/working situation and will close off all prospects of love because they don’t want to deal with someone who will not eventually end up where they want to be. In other words, a person getting an M.A. in New York who eventually wants to return to Kansas will only seriously engage others who either have plans on living in Kansas or live in Kansas already. I think this is somewhat closed-minded. Now I am all for being focused and being goal-oriented but when we think that the love of our lives has must be or want to be in the same state is silly. What’s more troubling is the notion that love and training/schooling don’t mix because you will always be making strides to improve yourself but love cannot be scheduled into Outlook. And once you find that person, he/she might be open to moving to Kansas and just maybe, just maybe, you might decide to stay in NY. I say all that to say that location is not as crippling as you might think.

Gender bias
Can we keep it real? Thanks, because in most long distance relationships, women are generally expected to relocate much more than men are expected to. As a result, you have situations where a man who relocates for his woman is often times labeled as “whipped,” where as a woman who relocates for her man is viewed as “doing her what she has to do.” This is extremely damaging to our relationships because these unspoken expectations result in grave misunderstandings of what the other person is looking for. Of course, these biases might be couched in the idea that the person making the most money should serve as the earth where their mate is the moon that revolves around them. So men, if your woman makes more money than you, your relocating does not take away any of your manhood. Likewise, women, your relocating does not make you any less independent than you are already.

But we should get married
You know I had to go there right? I think that making big geographical moves with someone without a ring is a very risky situation. To be clear, I am not talking about the 7-year engagement but marriage plans that have left the train station. Which brings me back to my friend’s quote I stated earlier, “I ain’t tryin’ to be nobody’s girlfriend.” Fellas, you would do well to remember this statement because you can’t expect your woman to jump through hoops and then get all quiet when marriage comes up. Man up!!! There is a reason why men propose but I will save that for another post.

I am not saying propose just to propose but before you ask someone to make that move, make sure you are willing to take it to the next level. Because if you two break up and are somewhere such that you need each other to cover the bills but both of you don’t know anyone, it could get real bad real soon. But at least if you are married, my hope is that your level of commitment would be cemented so that when times get hard, (and they will) the exit door will seem too small for you to leave. So don’t waste people’s time!!! You KNOW if you are willing to marry someone and if you know this is the one, stop trying to create doubts to talk yourself out of it. Being in a different location is not a disincentive for marriage and like I said before in previous posts, if marriage is all about compromise then how can people be stubborn as all get out but then expect to be compromising once they get married?

How do you feel distance complicates relationships? And how should it be resolved?

Looking forward to your comments,

Stay up fam,

Brandon

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2 responses to “Relationagraphy”

  1. t.HYPE says :

    Brandon, I agree with you 95% thus, I’ll keep it brief and just answer the question.

    Distance definitely complicates relationships. There are things that you will not notice about a person if you aren’t able to see them every day.

    As for me, if I were crazy enough to get into a long distance relationship with someone who lived in Kansas, that’s cool as long as he’s not too attached to it. Now, if he lives in LA, New York, DC, Atlanta, etc. that’s cool because those are places I have no problem going. They are similar, if not more desirable than where I live now [Nashville] or have lived in the past [Va Beach, CT].

    The resolution is to set a limit for the distance. Flat out, it’s like, if we decide to take this thing to the next level, which one of us is going to move?

  2. y says :

    I would guess that being in a long distance relationship would be really difficult. I think whether the two individuals are in the same state or not, communication & trust are definitely important. Perhaps thinking outside of the box(geographical box)when it comes to a potential mate can be a possibility. However, I’m sure the long distance thing can be very intimidating, especially if one or both parties are goal-oriented. When would they see one another? You may not be able to schedule love into Outlook but in some cases absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder it grows tired and love is out the door. So scheduling it in Outlook might not be a bad idea. Truth is, if it’s someone you really want to be with, you’ll do what you have to do to make it work.

    Gender Biases
    I think the person with the job/career that is “portable” should relocate and I don’t mean relocate and shack up with your boy/girlfriend or fiancee’ for that matter. I personally am not a fan of the live-in mate before marriage.(that’s another discussion).
    Let’s say for example a person who is in real estate, be it agent, mortgage consultant, etc. is engaged to be married to a CEO. That’s a no brainer, real estate can be done anywhere. And yes, he may be able to run another corporation somewhere else, but why should he have to go through that & vice versa. Every circumstance is different and each couple should look and their situation and weigh the pros & cons.

    But we should get marry
    I don’t see anything wrong if two people are in a committed solid relationship and one person wants to relocate to the other state and live on their own and set up their own life in a new place, that there’s anything wrong with it. Both individuals can still grow separately while working on a their relationship as well. This way if it doesn’t work out, you have your own place and have established your own life just in case you want to stay where you are. Men please don’t propose just to propses, marriage is one of the most important decisions one will make. Take time to establish a strong foundation of friendship first. Pray on your mate. You never know, you could be contemplating staying in or pursuing a distant relationship or comtemplating relocationg. What if that isn’t the person GOD has for you? What happens then? Your time has been wasted or you end up in a relationship that was not meant for you.
    There is nothing worse than having your time wasted in a relationship that’s going nowhere. If two people can survive a long distance relationship I think they have a great foundation for a very strong & solid relationship. I would think that it takes alot of hard work, energy and commitment from both sides. I’m sure a great deal of communication is needed. If you can’t talk about what’s on your mind, or how you feel about something there is no point in going any further. The lines of communication have to remain open. Trust, is a big one as well. Let’s be real about this one, if you know you have trust issues, don’t even embark on this long distance thing. Don’t even go there,you will drive yourself crazy. If you know before you relocate that your Boo Boo may be off the hook as soon as you leave, let it go! Don’t even try it. But if you two trust one another, more specifically you trust yourself then that’s half the battle right there. Be real with yourself, he or she is going to hang out with the opposite sex. Whether it’s a co-worker, a best friend, classmate, whatever, that’s just a fact of life. It’s up to the individual to realize the limitations and to know what lines can’t be crossed. In my opinion, if either of you have an twinge of a feeling that there could possibly be in interest pursuing someone else then this is where the open lines of communication come into play. Again, don’t be afraid to express yourself and your feelings. Sometimes the truth may hurt, but we get over it.
    Patience is definitely a necessity. You’re not going to always be able to see one another. I think if you understand that going in, then maybe it’ll be a little easier to be patient.
    Now, let me just say this, “I don’t have a clue about how to resolve complicated relationship by way of distance.” I’m just throwing some things out there, hoping that something hits home.”
    However, I do know that distance can complicate a relationship if the individuals are not equally yoked as far as feelings are concerned. If you know that Bob is feeling you a little too much and you know you are just fond of Bob, don’t set him up. Distance will only complicate it by him doing all he can to keep hope alive while you’re in Neverland at the club gettin’ your groove on with Tim with an eyebrow raised to say that, hmmm this cat is alright. So be sure you’re on the same page and if not, it’s okay, express it, talk about it, do whatever you have to do to make sure all is clear and go from there.

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